Boy do I want to drink.
I'm not a drinker, never was, but boy, do I want to drink today. I have so much stress, of which the Dr.'s tell me, "NO STRESS", but I'm about to lose it.
Just a little background. I live 10 miles from my In-Laws. My mother-in-law hates me. My husband is her oldest son. She always used him as her emotional spouse. His counselor says that she acts like he (my husband) divorced her for me. She is a real piece of work. Not to mention, it has been almost 20 years, we have a 19 year old son. Anyway, I walked away from them because I couldn't take her madness, but I have left my husband's relationship with her up to him. I don't make him choose, I keep my 2 cents to myself, and he goes over there if he wants, which isn't very often. by the way, her other children are not married because no on will put up with her. My brother-in-law was married for less than 2 years before she ran his wife off. Anyway, she is running around, running her mouth, again, and it has gotten back to me, again. I haven't told my husband yet, and I 'm not sure I want to, I just want to drink!
I have heard that it is so bad to even take a drink with Sjogren's. I take A LOT of meds, so not drinking has never been an issue for me, but today, I'm falling apart. I have been on such a rollercoaster with this syndrome, and I'm just sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Not to mention, this is the first Christmas that my son will not be waking up at home to open gifts. He moved in with his girlfriend, and she has a tradition with her family that she spends the night at her parents on Christmas eve, so she can be there Christmas morning with her parents. So, my son is spending the night with them. I am furious! I wonder why she can't stay with them and he stay with us. I have an only child, and now I feel he has chosen her family over his dad and I. We like her a lot, but he is so stuck up under her that we can't have an opinion anymore. He got mad at me for asking him to meet up with her later on Christmas. Of course, my husband and I agreed to go to her parents for Christmas Eve too, to make better relations. This is very new to me, and I feel he could care less about me now. I mean, I am his mother, he hasn't even dated this girl for a year, and suddenly, I'm chopped liver! I thought I raised him to be more independent than this. I didn't want him to go from my house to another girls. I guess I just suck.
So, after all of the whining, does anyone have any advice? All of my family is hundreds of miles away, I can't be with them for the holidays, and I feel alone!
I need a drink!
I have two grown sons. One is married and one just became engaged. I must admit that the first Christmas without our older son was difficult, but I had to realize we were given the joyous privilege (well, it was not always joyous :)) to raise them and have them for what seemed liked a brief period of time. But they never really belonged to us and when I keep that in mind, I find the times easier when they cannot be with us. So, go and enjoy Christmas Eve with the girlfriend's parents. Enjoy the fact that you do not have to do the extra work this year. Make your son proud that his parents present themselves so very well and rejoice in the fact that you have raised a great son.
As far as your mother-in-law is concerned, practice what is recommended in Alanon--detachment. You cannot change her attitude or behavior, but you can move on with your own life.
Carol
Fairy I think your biggest upset is the empty nest syndrome. SJS and mother-in-law aside your biggest torment is your son change to the game plan and wanting be with the new girlfriend. This is a new awakening for any mother. It is hard to believe that the little boy who needed you and followed you around is now out on his own and looking to someone else for happiness. The bigger picture is you are still important to him but he is becoming the grown man you hoped him to be with loyalty to the lady he loves. Hopefully maybe not this year but by next year compromises can be made so that all parents can be visited.
Until then plan another special night a few days before and let that be your Christmas Eve or Day - special just to your family. One of my family members does it two days before Christmas. Another thing to consider is this can become a great time for you and your husband to share a special holiday together. When my grown children tell me they have made other plans for the day I wish them well and remind them to call. If they are happy and healthy then I am ok. Your son will love you even more if you are understanding to his situation. I know it is hard to change the tradition. I hope you and your hubby will have a special Christmas together.
Well, Fairy, you'll have to chill and just take it as it comes. There is no good to be had by making a bunch of waves over the holidays. You'll be the one to pay the price.
You should not drink since you take a lot of meds with Sjogrens, plus you'd feel like H$ll after with a hangover. You can't change the husband/mommy situation and if your husband hasn't grown a pair by now, he is not going to. So you might as well just let that pass. I agree with you that his siblings are also without that body part. But, that's their problem.
So, your son's girlfriend's family lets her boyfriend sleep over and she's 19? I wouldn't like that, but that isn't anything you can control either. You're not chopped liver, you've just taken a different place in his life. Do you want him to be like your husband? Probably not. After all he is 20 and has made that decision.
I have an only child too and she's alot older than 20. At holidays, it's my husband, me and my daughter if she wants to come by. Or, she'll cook dinner at her little apt and invite us over. That's it as far as relatives here. I could whine and feel depressed because I don't have grand-children like everyone else. I could drink. But. I set my expectations lower so as to not get feeling like you do. If we have dinner out at a restaurant, that's ok too. Still no other people around. Doesn't seem a lot like Christmas, but it's the best I can come up with.
You're feeling sad, lonely and depressed. You've landed in the Holiday heck Hole so many people find themselves in. This is not Walton's Mountain where we all sit around the table with John Boy and then all tuck in at 8 p.m. and say goodnight to each other. See if you and your husband can find a nice restaurant to go to on Christmas. Or have dinner, then go to a movie as there are lots of new ones out. We've done this before. Don't let this get you down! If you have Sjogrens, you're stronger than that. Best to you..........Lucy
Hi Fairy :)
Please don't turn into your mother in law! It sounds like you have raised your son to be independent - and that's exactly what he's doing - he's asserting his independence! He's in love. He'll always love you - you know he will - but he's not 'in love' with you.
My oldest daughter isn't coming home this year. she and her husband got their first house last summer and that's where they are spending Christmas. Her husband usually wants to go back to his parents for Christmas. My daughter doesn't enjoy that because his family go to church on Christmas day and my daughter's an aethiest, so she finds that hard. One year he went home - and she came home - but heck - they're married. that wasn't right! so this year they are home alone and that seems right all round.
I think holidays are always more stressful than relaxing and human relationships are just the hardest thing out. You're not alone though are you? You're with your husband. Keep in touch with family by phone or webcam and just do your own thing on Christmas day. You may like it!
Take care - Scottie :)
Hi Fairy,
First off, go have that drink.................................make a big tall stiff glass of Root Beer. ;D
Then sit down and sit think this over. As the others have said show what a loving and classy women you are. Go visit this young girls parents and some how let her know it's okay with you that she loves your son.
Don't let there be any possibility in the future of being a Mother-in-law like the one you have. Let this young girl and your son know that it's okay to grow up. I wish I could tell you in words how my own Mother-in-law treated me, but it was a long time ago and she's gone now.
What I'm trying to say is, let your son have this time with his girl and her parents. You and your husband enjoy this time together and if the kids stay together then discuss alternating the holidays with her parents. If they come to your house say for Thanksgiving then they will go to her parents for Christmas. The next year Christmas with you and Thanksgiving with them. This way everyone will be happy. And I'm sure that's all you want for your son isn't it? Happiness.
I hope you can do yourself proud and show your son his mother is a real Class Act.
Pooh
Hi Fairy,
To a certain degree, I can relate to your emotional rollercoaster. My small family is scattered throughout 3 states, for us its a 'travel' thing. But we solved it to some degree by spreading our visits over several weeks. Not everyone shows at all get togethers. As a family we realized that trying to cram all the visiting, gift giving, eating, cleaning etc. into one or two days is just not doable... and its stressful to try... This extended celebration has lifted a lot of stress and allowed us to enjoy our visits more. Your troubles do sound a bit more involved than most, but knowing you don't have to do it all in two days may help you relax... Another alternative we found that works is was 'volunteering' at a communtity meal, nursing home, VA hospital, or other needy organization, that doesn't have to be on Christmas day either, some time spent before or after will lend to a nice feeling ... It may be time to change it up !
Great idea, Seabreeze. There is so much need this year that there are plenty of opportunities to volunteer. I will only be home during the middle of the day to share a buffet meal and open presents with my husband and grown daughter, my sister, and my foster brother. Everything will be make ahead or potluck. Our son and his fiancee will be in Phoenix, because he is working security at the hotel (they pay premium for holidays - he worked Thanksgiving too). They did Christmas with his fiancee's folks last weekend, which was also her birthday. We sent their presents on earlier this month, and hope to see them here sometime in the spring, and later in Phoenix for his graduation.
The rest of the day I will be visiting inmates at the county jail (morning) and also the state prison nearby (evening). It means a lot to them since nothing else is going on and they feel left out.
Fairy, I totally understand how you feel. I really miss my son because he is so much fun to be around and he is my baby. The first Christmas I didn't spend with him I missed the whole family thing - I had to go back east for a month to help my Mom as my Dad was dying. I spent all of December and through the New Years with them. My husband had both kids to deal with through the holidays. My sister's husband was very ill with cancer, and she could not help anyone else. Sometimes it just is that way. Another Christmas Mike was in Iraq - pretty scary. When I start to feel bad about not seeing him, I remind myself how grateful I am he is alive and well enough to be working, going to school, and engaged to such a sweet girl.
Take care, have some root beer, put on some carols, put your feet up and relax. You'll get through the holidays, and by this time next year you will be very used to the peace and quiet, and very grateful your son has a life of his own.
Genko
Fairy:
I have a wonderful friend who treats her daughter-in-law as if she was her own daughter. She is not being manipulative, she sincerely likes her son's wife and her DIL visits her whether the son is there or not. Treat your son's girlfriend as if she could be your own daughter and she will want to hang around with you.
My own mother-in-law treats me poorly and well, I find myself avoiding her company. As a result, she doesn't see her son too often either, so talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face, she does it.
Your son loves you - don't make him choose, invite the girlfriend into the circle.
JMHO
Sue
QuoteTake care, have some root beer, put on some carols, put your feet up and relax. You'll get through the holidays, and by this time next year you will be very used to the peace and quiet, and very grateful your son has a life of his own
Don't forget to plug in the Christmas lights. Fa La La La La.....La la la la. Lucy
Thanks so much for all of your replies. You will be glad to know that I did not have that drink. I talked to my hubby when he got home and we went for a ride and got something to eat.
I am most certainly not going to turn in to my mother-in-law. We love his girlfriend, and we treat her very well, but last year it was one girl, now it is this one. I just feel like I am on the back burner. I want him to grow up, but I did not want him to go from my house to another girls house. I wanted him to have his own apt., work, go to school, date, etc. and grow up that way, being dependant on himself. I think I'm bothered because if she has to spend Christmas with her parents, why can't he spend time with his. And no, I would not let them sleep together at my house either!
We will go to her parents, her mom is a trip, and have a good time, but we have decided that I am not cooking Christmas dinner this year. They are eating there Christmas, then coming here, so I am having meat and cheese trays, and relish trays, panini, etc. My husband said I have cooked all of these years, and it is time for me to rest.
And he did spend Thanksgiving with her parents because I was so sick, they came out for a little while, and that is why I was suppose to have Christmas. He said that was a good idea at Thanksgiving when we agreed on that. I guess the change in plans took me by surprise.
And yes, my mother-in-law cut her nose off to spite her face too, because she rarely see my husband, and he hasn't been over there for a holiday in 2 years. He says his place is with me, and I'm grateful he finally feels that way. I don't want him to feel like he has to chose.
I guess I am just being whiney. I have been so sick for the last 2 months, and stressed with all of these tests. It seems like everything has changed so rapidly, and I can't keep up. I guess one part of being a mom is to roll with the punches. I told my mom I wish I could have had more than one child, so I could have a back up! haha
Thanks everyone for listening!