I cant keep up with my life. My husband is disabled and he can give minimal support. I work full time,, and my kids assume I will be there at every beckon call,, even my married daughter. She hated that I remarried. or shall I say that I didnt marry someone who would take care of me so I could take care of her. She is 22 and married,, her hubby is in New York in the military,, she has a small dog and I am to be at her beckon call when she needs me to take care of her dog. I cant take care of the house it looks horrible clutter everywhere,, no place to park my car in the garage. too much stuff, The lady that is suppose to come clean is usally sick or does a lousy job becuase she says she doesnt feel well. I hurt so bad and it is getting worse. My family is so sick of hearing about how I feel or that I dont feel like going out they are all disgusted with me. So what do I do,, I am nothing but a burden,, because i cannt keep up/ My back porch where we kept our Golden has dog crap all over it and I have no time to get it cleaned up and no real help. No one lifts a hand around here, honestly except my husband,, and he is only capable of doing so much,, he keeps up on the laundry and keeps the kitchen and dishes washed. onece every couple of weeks the lady will come in and run the sweeper ,, My daughter is in college full time. This is my second marriage because my first love/hubby passed away 5 years ago and left me to finish raising our 3 kids. My health is shot, so what is the purpose of living if you cant enjoy life,, Yes, I am on anti depressants,, and have been,, and was doing semi-well until this all hit me. I am barely making it thru a day,, and wondering if i should even try anymore,, I have no one,, so whats the use. I cant afford to miss work and take care of myself because I will lose my job,, therefore I will lose my house and everything that goes along with it.
I give up.
I have ran out of Miracles
Dear Teresa:
You sound pretty discouraged right now. Pretty much everyone here can understand what you are going through - overwhelmed at work and at home, and no one out there really appreciates how bad you feel. To top it all off, people always expect the Mom to be the strong one.
About all I can suggest is to hang in there a bit more, and things will start to look a little less awful. At that point you will find the strength to chip away at things, a bit at a time.
It is particularly difficult right now with the holidays coming up. Even if I am not doing a lot for the holidays, there is always this sense that it has to be done well - house cleaned or at least picked up, a nice meal planned, everyone getting along (somehow this always seems like our job too). Even if we choose not to do all that, there is the pressure of comparing our situation with everyone else, who seems to be doing just fine, at least from our perspective.
Is there anyone at work who understands what you are going through? Or a neighbor? Just someone you can talk to. If not, just come online here and people will hear what you have to say. You have been through a whole lot recently and it is understandable that you are feeling the way you are.
Take care and check back with us - we really do care about how you feel.
Genko
I know how you feel sometimes! I use to be so clean and organized, but after becoming disabled, it makes me feel like I have no control of anything. I don't live around any family members, and I feel alone, except for my husband and son. My husband works and my son moved out to go to college. It is just overwhelming right now so DON'T GIVE UP!
I found that some of the kids in the neighborhood like to make a buck or two by helping in the yard. Also, I would get another housekeeper if yours is not dependable! You need someone you can count on, I'm sure that would make you feel better. If she is not doing her job, get someone that will. The High school girls around here that I know do a good job for a reasonable price.
As far as being at everyone's beck and call, You Can't Do That Anymore! Please take care of yourself FIRST! It took me a long time to learn that, and my life is much simpler now. They will get over it! And the stress is NOT doing you any good. Everyone in my life knows now that my body can not take the stress, and if they can not respect that, they can not call me. You have to surround yourself with positive people.
I know that all of this is hard. I am in a tail spin right now, and fighting to breathe every minute of every day, so I decided that whatever gets done, gets done, and what doesn't, doesn't. You have to give yourself a break! You are worth doing for YOU and everyone else can jump on board and be helpful, or not. You can not change them, but you can change the way you think and react to them.
I am glad you posted this, because I have gone through this several times, and finally my counselor got through to me that my life is about me and not everyone else. That is not selfish, it is reality. I do not take advantage of anyone because of my health, and I don't let anyone else take advantage of me either. They have to learn to run their own lives. And you should not feel guilty for putting yourself first. The most important thing I learned in counseling is: Guilt is what you feel when you do something wrong. Putting yourself FIRST is not wrong!
I hope you feel better soon!
Fairy
Teresa
Sweetheart, I'm sorry you are feeling so bad just now. It's really hard when you have been the person other people relied on, and suddenly life is spinning out of control.
There are many people in our lovely Sjoggie family who understand just what you are saying. I remember years ago, wehn I was running myself ragged trying to look after three small children, keep the house, and work full time. I constantly felt unwell and,sometimes, angry that there was so much that needed to be done. One day an old Christian friend said to me, 'Kathy, the Lord says you should love your neighbour as yourself, but you can't do that if you don't love yourself'. I was shocked, but then I realized that I always put other people first, and my own mental health was going down hill fast. I needed to learn to love myself.
It took time, but eventually - even before the Sjogren's diagnosis, I started taking time out for me, and for doing things I wanted to do. I lost some 'friends' and some family members backed off, as I wasn't always there for them immediately when they needed me. It has'nt been easy, but now I try to prioritise jobs. I had got to a point about ten years ago where my house was always clean and tidy and the garden kept nice. Now, if the kitchen floor gets washed once each week, that's a good job done. Don't get me wrong, I'm not filthy, but if there are fluff bunies around the house, that's too bad. I know many of my friends from here are familiar with fluff bunnies too :)
At the moment, I am recovering from minor surgery. I asked my abled-bodied 74 year old mum to come and look after me on the 2nd day post op. Well, she came, and sat in the chair for the whole 4 hours. At lunch time I suggested we had a sandwich and some juice, she agreed, and sat while I sorted them. I really needed her to vacuum the carpet as our senile old cat had been pulling her fur. I mentioned iit to her, and she agreed it was a mess, but did she do it - no chance. I felt aggrieved when she had gone, but obviously her kind of 'looking after someone' is very different to mine. I wonder if I will remember that next time she needs help?
Maybe your daughter needs a wake up call too. Could you start by refusing to look after her dog, or at least by asking her to help you out with your poo picking and helping with your chores. She's a grown up now, and can't expect you to always be at her beck and call. Could she help you have a garage sale to clear out some of the stuff?
I'm not trying to diminish your feelings, but want you to know that I understand how you feel. I hope you can get the treatment that you need and that your life picks up soon. Try to put yourself first just now, and when you are feeling more in control, life will seem easier. Come here often and we will do our best to nurture you and give you the tlc you clearly need.
Hug
Kathyx
Teresa,
Don't give up. I know you feel overwhelmed right now, but remember that part of it is the season. You can only tackle one hurdle at a time. I'm talking to all of us here. We need to let go some of the responsibility.
I know your husband is limited in his ability to help, but maybe you can plan a day when the 2 of you can tackle just one room (or porch) a few minutes at a time. Just getting one nasty job done can really lift your spirits.
Try saying "no" to your daughter, and use your energy to try to catch up on one basic need at home, instead.
I'm feeling a little stressed lately, myself. It helps if I blame the holidays, because I know they will pass in a few weeks. I'm so sorry that you feel so badly. Please hang in there, and know that you aren't alone. Do you ever just stop and treat yourself when you accomplish something? For example, when you clean the bathroom, light a pretty candle in there and take a bubblebath. Use one of your "company" towels to dry. Pat yourself on the back a little!
We do care, Teresa! Don't give up, please.
Hugs,
Cheryl
Hi Teresa, you sure unloaded a pile of stuff, hope it helped. It's all valid too. You know i have this theory about us sjogie's or anybody with AI disease. It is that if we were all selfish instead of selfless we'ed be allot better off....physicaly anyway. Problem it's usually not what we are about, doing for people, caring and offering the extra's in life is what makes life worth living. If you ever really looked at people you will see the healthiest physically are the ones who don't offer as much or any of the extra's to anyone but #1. I'm not sure I want to give that away, but the problem is when our bodies are somewhat against us the added fatigue of offering the extra's does us in. It's the chicken and the egg.
When i read your post, being somewhat detached, I can see that is a productivity problem in part. That is the physically demanding take care of the house part. I would get rid of your house-keeper, find one who wants to work and isn't squeemish with doggy doo, you will have to pay for it but in the long run the additional expense (even if it's temporary) will benifit you and the only other person you should really be taking care of at this point, your husband. You could even consider a one time payment to an organization company to help with the initial clean up there are lots of companies with lots of enrgy who are happy to come in acess your needs and help you reorganize, but after I would still get rid of the housekeeper for a new one. As for your daughter it's her age in part and then the old "you teach people how to teach you" rings loud and clear. You are doing her no favor by killing yourself and not teaching her to be responsible for herself and learn compassion for others less able than herself. To correct it would require clear open unconfrontational dialoge on your part, and probably allot of whinning and carrying on on her part at least for awhile. Clearly there is no other option. You have far to much to deal with personally, not to mention that you deserve to have a life and some rest and fun too, it's the only thing that keeps me fighting this **** battle. Gee's I hope you don't give up, life's too good and it sounds like you have a really good man to enjoy and share it with. maybe approach this problem like a new CEO of a company that has been run off the track a bit, be objective, stand back and do what you need to get it back on track. Then rule with an iron fist to keep it that way till it's second nature to all involved. Good luck, don't give up. Sandra
Hi Teresa :)
Housework doesn't matter. People get by in mud huts. A roof over our heads, clean water, enough to eat - what's a bit of mess? Box stuff. If you haven't opened the box in 6 months - you don't need the stuff!
I always told my kids that my job as a mother was to get them to live independent lives. Once they hit 16 I expected them to make their own packed lunch for school. I did it by age so it was fair on all of them. When they went to the high school, aged 11/12 I gave them a monthly allowance. they had to budget their pocket money and bus fares out of it and clothes other than school uniform. If they ran out of money they walked to and from school. If they wanted a bit extra they walked to and from school. (The school was about two and a half miles away.)
I think your twenty two year old needs to know that she's grown up. Your job is done. You are no longer there to look after her. You'll always love her - and be supportive of her - but she's a grown woman and it's time she acted like it!
Prioritise what is really important and let the rest go. Some stuff really doesn't matter. we think it does but it doesn't. Be kind to yourself.
hang in there.
Take care - Scottie :)
Teresa,
I can understand how you feel. My husband has many, many health problems--far more than I have and I have times where I am not sure I can take care of the two of us. You can feel overwhelmed, isolated, unable to separate the real from the unreal and the only thing you know is that your personal well is dry and you reserves are gone.
Do you need to have dog? If the answer is no, then find a loving home or animal rescue for the dog and pay or find someone to clean your back porch. You do NOT need to watch your daughter's small dog. Consider finding another cleaning person. Economic times are hard right now and you might explain that to your current cleaning person--may be she will start feeling better and cleaning better or let her know others can step in to fill her position. Even when I feel a the very lowest, when I could make some small changes (like saying no to someone), I started to feel a bit more in control and a bit better. Sometimes people will throw a few tantrums (e.g., your daughter may not like you refusing to watch her dog), but you will be surprised to find you really do not care. Other people's reactions are their responsibilities, not yours.
The bottom line is that you are not a burden. You are not in a good place right now and you could use the support of other people. When you are in a better place, you know that you would be more than willing to come alongside others. The reason this forum exists is so we can reach out to each other. No matter how isolated you feel, you are not alone. No one is self-sufficient, we each need other. Let us be your hope. Take a deep breath and know that right now, at this moment, you are able to hang in there.
Carol
Teresa,
I know you feel overwhelmed right now, I would too; but with that said, you are the only one who can change things. I assume your children are old enough to help around the house; and your married daughter, she is an adult, and needs to start behaving like one; quit enabling her. You need to reevaluate your boundaries because no one can do anyting or not do anything unless you let them.
I know this sound harsh, but I know it to be true because I was where you are a few years ago; and finely I said enough is enough. My family did not like it at first, but once they knew I meant business they did what was expected and ask.
Sending warm hugs your way
Collie
Hi Teresa,
No, you are not a burden! Your family is the burden!!! Take time for YOU! You are sick, they are not! Get rid of the dog. Tell your daughter she is expected to help you, not the other way around.
What about the other kids? Do they have chores? Step up and make them do for themselves. When I was growing up we had lots of chores....6 kids and the house was always clean and perfect. It never hurt me even a little bit and I'm so glad that I was independent and knew how to cook and clean house when I left home.
You are the number 1 concern. You are sick. I think your family needs to be sat down, and educated about your health and situation. Sounds like your DH is a good guy.
There is only so much you can do and you have hit the wall.
Everybody needs to pull their own weight as much as possible. Your DH is doing a lot and he is disabled. Get tough with the rest of the family cause you are headed for a breakdown.
Sorry if I am too harsh, but YOU NEED HELP AND YOUR FAMILY NEEDS TO STEP UP!
Maybe get yourself a new cleaning service.....I got a new company who is struggling cause clients are careful about spending their money now. She's cleaning my 3000 sq ft house for $70! She only comes once a month but it helps.
Teresa, get tough on your family and be gentle with yourself. You are NOT wonderwoman and need a rest and a total revamping of what you expect of yourself. Sending hugs , Tinker
Teresa,
Oh Man! You poor thing! :( You really have it rough right now. This is the most awesome thing I've seen in a while "People get by in mud huts". It really is true. The next best things I can say are
1. "Nice people can say no and still be nice"... no to the dog, it needs to go, and DD needs to take care of it or next thing you know she'll be dumping a baby off for days on end. Think of it in a motherly way : You aren't doing her any favors by allowing her to renege on her responsibilities to choose to own the dog.
the other great advice I have gotten recently is
2. "Choose 5" before you get out of bed, choose 5 things to accomplish today.. and when you do accomplish those 5 things, whatever they may be, take some time top sit down and read a book or paint your nails and sit stil long enough to let them dry properly :-)
Because you know what, you are never ever going to finish everything you need to do, not gonna happen, there will always be something being added onto your load.
Things will feel better if you limit your goals each day with one or two task that are do-able. If all your energy will allow is to hose down the back deck area then let that be the goal for the day and bump something up on the list for tomorrow. You don't need a cleaning lady who seems to have energy and health issues. You need someone who can accomplish what you are unable to tackle. Time to find a replacement. Keep that great husband of yours!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He is a sure winner and lets you know you are not alone in this battle.
Sometimes with our children we just need to start saying loud and clear " I am not up to that today. I love you but I can't help you out this time." LOL It comes as a rude awakening but they will adjust. It is a great growing - up lessen for them too. They then have to figure out how to solve their problem and take care of their needs. Then both of you can give yourselves a pat - you for helping to ease your daughter to full independence and her for getting there.
Please know you are not alone. We all feel overwhelmed at times and we are all willing to listen to help relieve the pressure. Take care of yourself first. The better you feel the better the world around you will be. You have received wonderful suggestions here. Hopefully they will help.
Teresa,
All i can add here is thatall of the above is great advice.
HAng in there and remember you are not a burden and you are not alone. You have agreat family here that is rooting for you to pull throuh this.
Pud
I also can say that many of us feel that desperation at times. I know I for sure can. I was feeling that way just recently and felt no hope. I know that us telling you to do this or that is not the answer. You just need to know that you are not alone and we all can understand how you feel. My therapist encourages me to go out and do something I enjoy and that really helps when I feel that way. Just know that these feelings will pass and know that we are always here to hear you.
Steve
Just a note to see how you are doing today.....you are receiving so much helpful and caring advice from so many people! Hang in there, be good to yourself, and let us know how you are doing!
Hugs to you.....
Teresa
Hello, My name is also Theresa but with an h. I get asked all the time about the H. I know you have had some wonderful advice. I just want to say please listen to everything. I know what its like but tomorrow will always be better. I too sometimes feel like I am doing too much for my family. Once when I was in the hospital with my heart acting up. My sister let my kids have it. It was funny. She still doesn't like for me to do stuff for my grown kids. We need to take care of us. its our turn. We raised our kids. I know its hard to listen to because I had too also but it is the truth. My other poor sister is so bad off she can hardly walk. I have 4 sisters.When I start to feel down and out I always talk to someone, you can talk to any one on this site. we all listen and understand. God never gives us a door we can't open. I always think of a person that is worst off and I start to feel better knowing it could be worse. Things will always get better. Have you ever thought about getting disability from SS. I am waiting for a reply now.and about the cleaning, can you hire some one or check with the state. i know they can help , maybe your local church. I am so broke. But oh well what can you do. At least I have a home and family. Once we almost lost our home. and did lose our truck messed up our credit for no fault of ours. and it took years to fix. Life is not always fair. I almost lost it than. and my son took an overdose and ended up in the hospital and a week later after we almost lost him I was fired from my job. it was the worse time in my life. You can take away my house and truck ect but not my children. They are the only ones that count. even if they are brats. Now my son is married and has a wonderful 4 year old. and now I have another grandchild 6 months. Please we all must go on. Sure I feel sorry for myself sometimes I have always been sick my whole life and i am 53. I can't ever remember not being sick. But I go on anyway. Now at least after all these years I have found out what kinds of stuff I have. Well if you need to talk please just let me know. I like to talk. My best friend just left to go to Austria for 3 years.
Theresa
I just want to say thans to everyone. My husband does try, and I really think my teenage children are so spoiled ,, but the only person to blame is myself. They are young and capable,, I guess I am going to have to set some rules down,, If the kids would just pick up after themselves and pitch in a little that would be great. I had a good cry last night, only to make my eyes feel horrible this morning. I like the idea of taking a small chore a day to handle and even if I dont get finished just work away at it a little it at a time. Thank you all for your encouragement.
Thank You,
Teresa
I am so thrilled that you sound a little better today. Sometimes a good cry is what you need. Don't blame yourself for everything your children do or don't do. They have to take responsibility for their actions, especially if they are teenagers. Boy that is a hard time to keep a handle on kids! You will get through it! One thing I would do is put a schedule on the fridge with their chores and which day to do them. And then you check them off when they are done. If they don't do them, they get to do NOTING! I went through a period with my son where he would not pick up his clothes in his room. So Every Monday was laundry day, and I put everything that was on his floor in a trash bag, and told him I was throwing it in the trash. That solved that problem after 2 weeks. I had to get creative, but it finally worked. I know it is just aggravating, but don't get stressed! Have them clean up and do the laundry, they are old enough!!!!!!Give yourself a break and keep your chin up!
Fairy
Aw Teresa - you mustn't blame yourself. It's not your fault you're sick and you've been being a wonderful mother to your kids - it's just they need to realise that they're not kids any more.
They may be scared. They may really realise you're sick and just not want to face up to it.
Sometimes I've had things to say to my kids and I've known that if I said them face to face I'd get interrupted, or walked out on or argued with.
On those occasions (not often but sometimes) I've written them a letter, handed it to them and said "Please read this carefully and consider it". It's usually led to either change in behaviour or a civilised converation later.
If you wrote to your daughter you could tell her all sorts of nice things about herself and about how much you love her but how you really can't live up to her expectations of you because you're sick. You don't want to be - but you are and you will be less sick if she takes more responsibility for herself. You will also get more sick if you are being stressed out with unreasonable demands!
May be worth a try. Please feel better about yourself. We all just muddle through somehow!
Take care - Scottie :)
Scottie
That is a really good suggestion. I may remember that sometime myself :)
Kathyx
Scottie,
That is the best Idea I have ever heard. I have written my son e-mails when he was hiding something and wouldn't face me, but that is such a great thing to do. I am going to keep that in mind for myself also.
Fairy
Teresa: So glad to hear from you and hear you are doing better! We always worry when one of us is having a hard time.
Scottie, The letter writing is a really good idea. When my kids were younger, they each had notebooks that they could write to me and I could write to them, for example, when I worked in the evening and wouldn't see them before they went to bed. They often got used for communicating when there was a disagreement of some sort. I have had the notebooks thrown my direction more than once! But always with something written in them. The more ways we can communicate with each other, the easier it is to get through those difficult times.
Genko
I dont mention to my kids that am actualy sick. i have always felt that their father and his family looked at people, especially young adults over the age of 18,,and under the age of 65 as being a weak person for being sick,, Like it is all your fault because you didnt take better care of yourself. I loved my dear husband dearly but everytime i was sick he blamed it on me being out of shape,, that i didnt eat right and i needed to exercise. I felt as if what ever was happening to my body was because i didnt do something right. My husband was a runner and a weightlifter, but the sad thing was he passed away from a heart attack, leaving me with three kids. I had beged him and begged him throughout our marriage to have a physical just to make sure everything was ok. He finally did ,, only because the company began requiring it. Well, we found out his holestrol was extremly high and he was to begin Lipator. He even procrasted on taking it for over a month,, and three days after he began taking it he passed away. I and my children were devastated. It has been hard on all of us. I did remarry ,, and way too soon,, but I thought it was a way to speed up the grieving process, WRONG, My new ubby and I are just now beginning to work thru things. This site has been a God Send and I am grateful for everyone.
Teresa:
That's a pretty complicated history you and your kids have around illness - no wonder it is difficult for you to have a conversation with them about your own health! Right now you probably just need to do whatever you can to take care of yourself. If you look through these forums, there is a lot of collected wisdom, and you can feel free to ask any questions at all.
Take care. Here's wishing you and your family a peaceful and relaxing Thanksgiving.
Genko