I just wanted to post that my dad passed away from lung cancer Wednesday morning. Hospice did a wonderful job. He had a lot of pain last weekend, but hospice came on Monday and started palliative sedation, morphine and ativan every two hours.
He died quiet, peaceful and calm.
Now, starts the ever ending stream of paperwork. The accountant was here for 3 hours yesterday. Still waiting on the death certificates.
The paperwork can be overwhelming if it is your last parent. I hope you could spend time with him before he passed. iwas able to spend close to 2 months with mom before she passed. I had alot of paperwork also. It took a week or two to get her death cert. (((Hugs))).
I'm so sorry, Lighthouse. I know you have been a wonderful daughter, and that you will miss him.
And I'm so glad we have Hospice and the wonderful people who want to give of themselves to do that work with families.
And I'm also sorry you have to deal with all the paperwork. It is part of life, for sure.
Hugs, Elaine
Dear lighthouse,
I am so very sorry to hear about the loss of your dear dad. Thank you for sharing this with us, your friends.
How are you and your mom doing? Try to take good care of yourself, okay?
Lighthouse, I am so sorry to hear about your dad. You sound like you had a good relationship with your dad and I am sure you will miss him. It is hard to lose people we love, but we would not want them to linger and suffer either.
Be sure to take care of yourself these next weeks as it really can wear a person down and out with all the things that need to be done. My thoughts and prayers are with you at this time. Irish
Deepest sympathies...
Lighthouse, I am so sorry to hear of the passing of your precious father. Though we all know it's part of life, it is still one of the most difficult parts of life. You are in my prayers for the coming days of getting through all the paper work, and all the emotions you are going through. May God comfort you in a way that only he can do.
Hugs and Love sent
susanep
Condolences to you Lighthouse. It is good the hospice helped to make the end peaceful. Thoughts with you and your family.
My deepest sympathy to you and your family. Ck
Lighthouse, sending you my very best wishes for the coming days and months. My condolences for the loss of your dear dad.
Kathyx
lighthouse33.. Please take consolation and joy that your Dad passed with love.
I did Hospice as well. Not everyone is able. It was a gift to both of us.
The paperwork can be overwhelming.
Shred the junk. And let the accountant, etc. consolidate.
Thank you all for your condolences.
Mom and I are doing well to speak. I think I?m in a major flare. I made through the funeral and the family being here and now that things are calming down a bit the Sjogren's rears its ugly head.
Mostly, I've been busy writing thank you notes to those who sent cards, flowers, brought meals to the house and made donations to the specified charities.
Joe and quietdynamics, the paperwork continues to mount. The accountant did tell us that it would be more of nightmare after the second spouse passes and then everything has to be transferred to a new name.
Some funny tidbits:
1. Our local town water department wants a death certificate and a form filled out before they can transfer the account to my mom. Really a death certificate? Never heard of that one. Even the lawyer was shaking his head at that one.
2. Duke Energy wanted a $1,000 fee to transfer the account to mom?s name. Our account kept saying, really after they've lived here all this time. They would not back down, so she said, leave it in the dead man's name, thank you and hung up. We all burst out laughing! One of our friends said that was absurd.
3. Verizon was a nightmare because dad and I both had cell phones in his name. We canceled his phone number, and we couldn't transfer the account to mom because she wasn't on the account, so they had to set up a new account in my name requiring my SSN and 45 minutes on the phone to get it set up.
4. The Obituary I wrote to be placed in two newspapers had a whopping cost of $178 for one paper and $325 for the other one, adding another $500 to the funeral expenses. My brother said this is because they charge by the word.
Your mom remains one gutsy gal!
From what you have shared about your dad over the years, I bet he would be shaking his head over the absurd responses from the utility companies too. Where is their common sense for goodness sake?
I hope you are managing that flare. Pace yourself. Get rest when you need it.
I am sorry to hear about all of these ridiculous things you are having to do through.
Hugs,
susanep
lighthouse, It is something else to see what is expected of the living in order to get things "legal". When my hubby passed away(one year ago today) I thought everyone would ask for a birth certificate and even one insurance company didn't ask for one. I couldn't believe it. I am just now getting my hubby's name off some of the things. The cable company is asking for paperwork. They know us well!!! Just unbelievable. You would think they would be glad that the bill is paid.
Sounds like your mom is keeping tough. Here she was so sick awhile back and it was your dad that went first. We never know what life will bring do we. If my hubby saw how much the funeral and tombstone cost you would have refused to die!!! Funerals have gotten just terrible. Hope you can get through this stress without getting too down and out. Grief and funerals, etc are really hard the those of us left behind. Be kind to yourself. Irish
I plan to buy the grave plots and tombstones on our trip back to Iowa in May.
We want to be buried in the old family cemetery where generations of family members have been buried. Or rather have our ashes interred there.
I should also arrange for the cremation and service here where we live, too. It is easier to do in small increments while we're still alive, of course. I want to list the newspapers, the prices!, and write the basic obituaries. AND put the photos in the files, too.
I do as much preplanning and arranging as I can. It is a major blow when there is a death, and as much pre-arranging as can be done, I want to do.
I think I'll use this photo of my husband. (http://i1135.photobucket.com/albums/m639/Elaine_Dittmer/DSC02348.jpg)
But the face should be bigger of course. Maybe his passport picture? I'm trying to make this easier for the people who survive us.
It's the least I can do.
Hugs, Elaine
When my mother died in the late 1990's her energy bill came in the name of her uncle who died
in1951. I kept it up until I was ready sell the house. No one ever questioned it!
Caroline
When DH retired recently, we decided to take out a funeral plan, make all the arrangements, and pay in advance. We contacted the funeral directors and asked them to come to talk to us, only to be told it was their busy time just now, and could we call back in a few weeks!
We haven't called back yet - we just don't know when their busy season will end!
Kathyx
Too funny! The 'busy season!'.
Let's plan to be on vacation during 'the busy season'!
Hugs Elaine
I agree Elaine. Let's be on vacation. ;)
susanep
5 Common Funeral Traps and How to Avoid Them
How to avoid the pitfalls of unnecessary burial expenses
caring.com/articles/avoid-high-funeral-costs
I was at the dentists' office yesterday and went to pay my bill with our credit card. Transaction failed; denied by issuer. Office manager was not happy, grumbled something about having to send us a bill.
Our accountant came here today to call about it. After many phone calls, it was discovered that social security had notified the bank and the bank froze the credit card and the checking account. You?d think they could have given us a heads up before they cut us off.
Poor mom had to go down to the bank, portable oxygen and all and set up a new checking account. The old one was a joint account, both mom and dad's name, but it had been tied to a brokerage account, that no longer existed, but dad never changed it off of the brokerage account, so a new one had to be created; otherwise it would have been an easy switchover. They were there for 2 hours and it is still not completely right, but our accountant thought mom was about to pass out so she brought her home. We will all go back another day and get it done completely right.
The new checks will be here on Friday. In the meantime we have 2 checks that she can use to pay our bills, which is a joke because there is a pile there waiting for their payments.
The new credit cards will take from 7 to 10 days to come. We have a debit card to be used for emergencies only. We will have to pay our grocery bill by check this week.
Accountant took debit card to the pharmacy to pick up our prescriptions.
What a disaster.
Lighthouse, it just seems to be never-ending for you, doesn't it? If only our loved ones could simplify their personal accounts, it would make our life easier, wouldn't it.
Hope you get it sorted soon.
Kathyx
This stopping the checking acct blows my mind. I am hoping that this was in your dad's name only.I can't imagine that they have the ability to freeze a joint account when one person dies. Seems like there is too much authority given to people these days.
The funeral home tells the government and from there some others are informed before we have a chance to call and tell them. Irish
Quote from: irish on April 29, 2015, 12:55:58 PM
This stopping the checking acct blows my mind. I am hoping that this was in your dad's name only.I can't imagine that they have the ability to freeze a joint account when one person dies. Seems like there is too much authority given to people these days.
The funeral home tells the government and from there some others are informed before we have a chance to call and tell them. Irish
It was a joint account in both mom and dad's name. Everything would have gone smooth as silk with the change over, except that, the account was tied to a brokerage account that no longer existed. Dad never changed it off of the brokerage account and that is why it had to be closed. Being a CEO it's hard for me to believe he would have made a mistake like that but he did.
As far as the credit cards, both were created in my dad's account so they canceled them both. These are the only credit cards we had. Accountant asked them if they could reinstate them until we got the new ones and they said no. I shredded them this afternoon. Mom will get a new credit card in her name and I will get a card in my name.
The new checking account will be a joint one with mom and I on the account.
You have everything lined up so that it works. I would think that your dad just forgot about this little angle. It is so hard to keep up with things. One thinks that everything is set up right and some little glitch is all it takes to screw things up. All in all organizing and finishing up an estate can add 10 years to a persons life. So much running is what really wears a person out. Hope you can rest and keep from getting too run down.Irish
Dear lighthouse,
It's shameful that you and your mom have to deal with all of this, on top of everything else. I hope that's the end of bad news for the two of you.
The banking nightmare continues.
Accountant called to check on our credit cards. Guess what, our bank declined to give mom a credit card because she's never worked. She said to them, even though she has money in her checking account every month, you won't give her a credit card. Later, we received a letter stating the same thing but it also said she had a great credit score, isn't that ironic.
Accountant has had it, she is going to get us set up with a new bank. And, she is going to get two credit cards, one in mom's name and one in my name, so that I can start building up credit and the same thing won't happen to me when mom passes away.
Honest to Pete, lighthouse. While I was reading your post I thought the same thing - change banks. Back in the mid eighties I applied for a credit card. I was a single parent with a full time job. They told me I couldn't have a credit card because I didn't have a husband.
Even in my twenties I was feisty. I demanded to speak with the manager and told him I was taking my banking elsewhere, as well as a few choice words.
I hope things start to work out for you and your mom very soon.
Lighthouse that is just too much. I sure am glad you are going to a different bank.
susanep
Still no credit cards but some wonderful news.
Mom and I, if we are accepted, are moving to a retirement community. We looked at a two bedroom with a den apartment and mom fell in love. We looked at some homes too and they were too big plus they were far away from the clubhouse.
From our building, you head out our door and straight across to the clubhouse. Inside the door, is the beauty salon, a convenience store, a swimming pool and spa and the fitness room. Down the hall, is the library room. From the left of the door, is the casual dining and formal dining rooms. Further on down are the card and canasta rooms and the chapel and I would assume the wood working shop is there as well.
They have tennis courts, a lawn bowling lawn, a garden and a green house, and walking trails.
Our apt. sits right across from the croquet lawn with the putting green down on the left, and a gazebo sits on the right. From our patio we can watch them play croquet.
Everything is provided, transportation to wherever you have to go, housecleaning, maintenance etc. All utilities are included.
We get to pick out what we want to have in the apt., color of cabinets, flooring, wall paper. They will install all new appliances for us.
This is the happiest I have seen mom in years. To get away from the stress and anxiety of a home, will do wonders for us both.
I know that she is partly doing this for me, so that I will have a place of my own when she passes, where I will be taken care of. This has brought us back to being friends, like we always were, before she became ill.
They provide independent living, assisted living, home care or skilled nursing care.
There is a book club, lecture series, bridge clubs, they take outside trips etc.
Once we are accepted and pay the 10% we can start working with the interior decorator. It will be 90 to 120 days before the renovations are done. Cannot wait to move in.
Wow Lighthouse, that sounds amazing.
You deserve a break after the last few years. I'm delighted for you.
My hubby and I moved into a 'village' for people aged over 55 last year. It doesn't have any of the facilities you mention, but it does feel safe, and somewhere just one of us can live, when the inevitable happens. We love it.
Enjoy your planning and organising.
Wishing you all the very best.
Kathyx
How perfect this is for you and your mom, lighthouse! I have never heard of a home more fantastic! I wish we had such a place here.
And to hear that you and your mom have turned a corner, it just brings a smile to my face.
We decided back in October that we can no longer stay in our house either because I can't keep it up much longer. Just need to find a place that suits us. Congratulations to the two of you.
How wonderful Lighthouse.
If I were on my own, I'd be in a retirement community in a heartbeat.
But my husband loves caring for our house and yard, and would be lost without that activity.
And it is so wonderful that your mother is calmer and happier. Enjoy!
Hugs, Elaine
Well now I wish I was in a retirement home, but we have 4 dogs so that rules that out.
My dad that is in a nursing home now said he wanted his house sold and the money divided between us kids after he dies, but I think the nursing home will take the house to help on the money of where he is besides the social security check they get. Is that how that works???? We live in Tennessee.
susanep :)
Lighthouse, I am so happy for you. You have had such a hectic few years and it is time to get to settle down and enjoy life. It sounds like you will have aq very nice place with a lot of things to keep you busy and out socializing.
Losing a spouse is hard when one is young and it is hard when one is ildl. Noe "easier" to this event. The one thing about being old and having bad health is the inability to do things. I envy you being able to make this move so fast. Your mom sure must have been primed to make things easier. I'm trying to make a move but have so many things to have done to tone house before I can do this.
Good luck with your move and may you get the darn credit cards!!!
Susan, Yes, when a person is in the nursing home the social security goes towards the bill with a little cash being kept in an account for the patient for haircuts, etc. Also, in MN a certain amount of money is allowed to be kept to pay for a funeral. The house then is used to pay the rest of the bill. If the patient outlives the value of the real estate then the county has to take over the monthly payment. At least, that is how it has been in the past. Irish
There is one apt. building on the grounds that allows pets. They are all one bedrooms. I saw an elderly gentleman out walking his westie! I will probably move to one of those after mom passes so that I can get a kitty cat for company.
We are only able to make the move this fast, because we have our accountant here to help us. Mom has been fretting about getting rid of all of the stuff and moving, and she told her that her and I would do everything. I do not know what we would do without her. I have spent the last couple of days going through cupboards in the office. Filled up eight garbage bags of junk and three garbage bags of shredded material I got from using the shredder for two hours. Still not done yet.
In our community, you pay a certain closing fee for your residence. Then, you pay a fee every month. They will give us each $600 and some dollars for meals. Accountant has told us that we have to be very frugal with our money.
This will be so good for mom as she is a social butterfly and loves being around people.
For me, I will finally be able to live on my own, have my own place, will not be a burden on family members. And, the best part, is that I will not have to be forced to live with my brother in Florida, which was mom?s original idea. My brother has done zero work for five years and has said to be me and mom that he wanted our accountant to make sure that the retirement community cannot kick me out when mom passes, because he does not want to have to come up there and deal with me; finding a new place and moving me. Nice attitude, right?
Sounds to me that your accountant is more family than your brother is.
It's good to hear that things are moving in the right direction for the two of you.
I am glad to hear both of you will be at a good place you like.
susanep
One thing I would like to start working on probably in baby steps is to down size our yard. It mainly comes to not having a big yard to mow. We did have a riding lawn mower, but after many years it finally gave out. Don't have the budget to get a new one, and most second hand ones around here are usually more trouble.
A nephew and his wife have been for the past two months been mowing our yard to help us out. Between them mowing theirs, and ours it is a lot of grass to mow. I don't want them to keep having to do that.
We want to draw us out a plan, and then plant some different perennials, a couple more trees (two of our trees we had for years died after last winters ice storm) any natural for our area habitat, and some grown cover.
That way we could have a section of yard with grass that we could use a push mower on. I also would love a little private area in the midst of it all to get off to myself when I need to. We would have more privacy too.
This is just adding to the topic of our alternative at this time in our lives of something even close to a retirement home, and still have our fur babies.
susanep :)
That sounds like a good plan Susan. When we moved house last year we considered not having a garden as neither of us can do much physical work. So it was amazing to be able to buy a bungalow with a garden that is maintained as part of the service charge. That leaves me the time and energy to look after a few shrubs and pots.
Hugs
Kathy x
We are going to close on our residence tomorrow. It will be one of the happiest days of my life.
Our credit cards arrived several weeks ago.
That's fantastic news Lighthouse. Looking forward to hearing all about it.
Kathyx
I wish you an easy move to your new home, lighthouse.
Yes hoping you have a good move to your house. :) :)
susanep
Dearest Lighthouse,
You are such an amazing person......you deserve joy and peace.
Hugs, Elaine
So glad to hear that things are working out. It is time for you to be able to relax and enjoy yourself. Irish