I feel so depressed, because with my lupus, sjogren's, and fibromyalgia, I have a hard time doing much of anything.
I have a family situation, and appreciate any thoughts from others. My 82 year old father just got out of a nursing home where he was for a few weeks for rehabilitation. He has had to go in before. This time his family doctor told the family that he needs 24 hour care now. He got upset, because he wanted to come back home, and so he quit doing his physical therapy. Due to that they said he had to leave, but his family doctor said he wanted him to stay. Well my sister went to get him, and so the doctor which he has seen for years will no longer see him. He will have to find a new doctor.
My two sister expect me to go down 4 times per day to give him injections, and his other meds. I am the closest one, but I can barely read anything right now. I have worse brain fog. No energy except to sit in a chair to do at the most a bit of sewing that brings me a little pleasure. I am 61, disabled, and retired on disability social security since 2010. My sisters seem to think I can keep up with all of this, including all the documentation on this. I do understand that the youngest sister works and lives about 45 minutes away. The other sister lives about 20 minutes away, and closer to my age, and not in the best of health, but doesn't have autoimmune disorders. She does take it easier due to having stents put in for blockages. I still cannot do what she does. My husband is also disabled with severe diabetes, and congestive heart failure, and we both take meds for depression.
We barely live ourselves with a house that is a mess and needs cleaning, but have no help. We do good to manage to get our meds, and some groceries. Husband does the cooking with quick things, because I cannot stand that long. I have to lay down a lot during the day.
What do I do???? I love my dad dearly, and he insisted coming home, but we are not well at all either. I feel I am getting worse each year. I am a christian and feel guilty to do anything, but try to do what they expect, but I feel I will just end up in the hospital myself.
I am so sorry this is so long, but thought it would help to make my situation clear.
Feeling Overwhelmed
susanep :'(
Susan
I don't know what to suggest short of having a family meeting with your siblings and laying down some firm boundaries. And if the others can't assist REALISTICALLY with your dad, They need to step up period and get on board with his doctor's position. And if that means y'all being on the same page to work with him to go back into rehab, then that needs to be the situation.
In the meanwhile, please don't go down the road of feeling guilty.
There is a difference between what in our hearts we want to do for out parent(s), and the reality of the situation. Sounds like your cup runneth over already.
Sounds like the reality of your personal situation is that you simply do not have the resources to care for him at home (not only financial but also the stamina between your health issues and your husband's issues). Nor make a drive 4xday every day for his shots
Flip side of coin, it's normal for an elderly parent to want to be home when at the point of needing 24 hour care. That's when family needs to come together and assess the REALITY of that option, then make a collaborative realistic decision either way, etc and support the doctor's position on the best interests of your father.
Now you're in a pickle. My initial reaction is get a family meeting together asap and lay out the reality and come to a meeting of the minds - reality based not feelings based. The real issue on the table is what is in your father's best interests and if that cannot be provided at home then he needs to be in a nursing home.
In the meanwhile, see if the doctor who won't see him any longer be willing to have a sit down with you to discuss the situation and dilemma. That doctor might even offer the name of another doctor that can be consulted with as a second opinion which might get your sisters on board with the reality of the situation.
Sounds like your sister has some emotions of her own that are interfering with her judgment (maybe she feels guilty also and that was her way of alleviating it)
Next option - would require a doctor's order, but what about home health aid until you all get this sorted out? You may want to look into Elder Services to see what assistance they may be able to offer.
Family dynamics in this kind of situation can really bite. What gets overlooked is the best interests of your father. If you and your sisters are not able to provide what he needs, then it is a slam dunk he needs to be in nursing home for his rehab.
I get it that he expressed the want to be home. But his wants apparently don't line up with what is in his best interests. No matter how anyone feels about it, if at home he cannot receive the care he needs, then his best interests are not being met.
You're in a real pickle on that - sounds like your sisters are not supportive of his "want" to be home in the context of stepping up to the plate to do what is needed so he can be at home and in that perspective what is in his best interests is what any decisions should be based on. Not his wants but his needs
Does he have a health care directive? And if so, who did he appoint as the decision maker?
Amanda
Thank you Amanda for your comments. My youngest sister who is in her 40's was told by both of our parents to take over everything after one of them dies. My mother died in 2012. So she has the directive. I guess that is what you call it. The one designated to be in charge.
My other sister was getting told by dad a lot when she would visit him that she put him in there, but she didn't. His doctor did. So she felt bad, and sorry for dad and brought him on home against the doctor. He would not release dad, but I guess he couldn't be kept there against his will so he left with her.
Now the two sisters don't know what to do so that is where they expect me to do all of this, and I didn't sleep all night and went without all of my meds, because I was too nervous. That upset my husband, and he called the closer geographically sister this morning to tell her we have to go to the endocrinologist for his appointment, and there is no way I can handle this with dad. He told her that they will have to figure it out.
I do feel guilty, but I also have a husband , a second marriage that we want our time together while we are still here, and I have one adult son that I want to live hopefully a few more years to be a part of his life.
I love my father, and my sisters, but due to my illness I can't keep up anymore.
susanep
My youngest sister who is in her 40's has the directive. My other sister has been given as a second contact person for dad. They don't have me on anything. I understand that though with my issues.
The sister closest to me in age did feel guilty, because dad made her feel like she put him in there, but she didn't. The doctor did after he was in the hospital.
I was awake all night and didn't take my meds due to so much anxiety of how I was going to handle this. It bothered my husband so he called the sister closest to us, and told her we cannot do this, and we have to go today for his endocrinologist appointment.
I don't know what else to say.
susanep
Sorry my last message is similar to the one before. The one before went lost in air, so I wrote again, but then they both showed up.
susanep
susanep, my heart goes out to you. I unfortunately have been in a similar situation needing to admit someone to a nursing home twice. Once with my father and once with my aunt, his sister who had never married and had no children. It is torture on you. The guilt is overwhelming, but there comes a point when reality must take precedence.
And the reality is that care giving around the clock for someone causes anger and resentment. You don't want it to, but it does. Your life is over as you know it. Then it becomes harder to keep that resentment in check and it usually is taken out on the patient. (I am not necessarily talking about abuse, but just our attitude is not as loving as it should be.) Then you are still plagued with guilt because of that.
When one is put in a nursing home, you can still have a somewhat normal relationship with the person instead of just becoming their caregiver. Sure it will take awhile for the patient to adjust, but they do. You can make their portion of the room as homey as you can with personal items, pictures, etc. and your regular visits will be about each other and talking and not about nursing because that is what the nurses are there to do.
Contrary to popular belief, nursing homes are not dumping grounds. I am sure some people do consider it that way, but my experience over those years was meeting many different families who went regularly like myself and loved their family members, but there really was no choice. We all did the best we could with the circumstances given. The real key is not to abandon them there but continually show love to them while there. Sometimes that is missing when we are only their caregivers. (Of course, Irish is a different example. Her husband sounded like a gem to care for, but I am sure it was still not easy.)
Anyways, those are just some thoughts I felt I needed to share. To be honest, I still get a feeling in the pit of my stomach every time I hear or see the word "nursing home" and I don't think that will ever change, but I do know in reality it was the best decision.
Btw, my father lived for 5 years and my aunt lived for 3 years in their nursing homes. We visited regularly, often daily, and made it a pleasant visit, sometimes for hours. Can you imagine going to your fathers 4 times a day for injections for the next 5 years. You will be the first one to die with all the medical issues we have!
I hope this post is not too strong. If I have offended you or anyone else, my sincere apologies. Just know I am feeling for you.
Liz D.
Hello - my heart goes out to you as well. I believe that what is in our hearts and what we are physically capable of doing often does not mesh. You do need to lay down the law and tell your siblings what you are and are not capable of. Is there a way you can get home health care for him? A visiting nurse or something?
I wish I had sound advice but I have no experience in this area. Unfortunately my mother passed suddenly/quickly two years ago or our family may have been faced with some difficult decisions. I would have wanted to everything in my power to help her to remain "independent" and at her own home, but that is the point at which I started to get really sick and my health declined so I would not have been able to.
I hope you can sit down with your siblings and maybe come up with a plan between you all to take the "burden" off of you.
Please keep us posted.
I will be thinking positive thoughts for you.
Kim
Dearest Susan, This is so very difficult. Sometimes choosing the right thing is the hardest of all choices.
There is a Chinese saying: First save self.
The safety message on an airplane: Put your own breathing aid on FIRST, then help others with you.
If you do not care for YOURSELF, you cannot help others.
You simply must announce that your own health is at risk. And then YOU must decide exactly what you can and cannot do.
Use the worst case scenario of your own health. If you cannot do anything announce that. If you can do ONE thing, announce that.
If you follow what I'm saying, it is up to YOU to save yourself and to decide what that means. You cannot allow others to try to assess your health and then choose what they can do, leaving the rest to you.
Only YOU know what you can do. And I'm sure you know that this changes from day to day. So you will have to choose the plan that protects you the most.
I am always amazed what people can come up with when they realize that the 'easy option' (Susan will do everything) is off the table.
1. Other family members will do the work.
2. Hired people will do the work.
3. Your father will go back into a care situation (nursing home, hospital)
I'm sorry to sound so 'definite' about this, but unless a definite stance about your health and your limits is adopted, you will be the one to do everything.
Keep us posted,
Hugs, Elaine
Susan,
I am sorry for what you are going through, that is not an easy situation. I agree with the advice that other members have given. Seems to me you are a caring person otherwise this wouldn't overwhelm you so much but I agree with what others here are saying, you have to take care of you first. It's not selfish, it's necessary for you to take care of yourself and things will work out.
:) love and blessings to you
Audrey
Susan
WOAH. Okay this is what is troubling me. Your sister WITH authority to act in your father's best interests (not his wants but his best interests) dropped the ball on her authority.
That your father was removed against medical advice is very concerning.
Yes I get it that the heartstrings get pulled in these most difficult situations, especially involving a parent.
First and foremost, your priority is to take care of YOU. Period - not negotiable. And do not permit the guilt strings to be pulled and do not allow your sisters to shame you into stepping up and owning the consequences of THEIR decision to take him home.
Secondly, one option if you can't come to a meeting of the minds with your sisters to return your father back to the nursing hiome, would be consult with an atty or even elder services for that matter for guidance on what options you may have to take over quardianship of your father so you can restore him back to the nursing home.
There's no comfortable solution here.
Thirdly, and this may sound harsh and I understand we are talking about your father here, your sisters removed him AMA - dump the consequences for the at home care he needs right in their laps.
Clearly they KNEW or at least were informed that your medical situation was NOT conducive to being a fulltime on call caregiver to your father.
So now they want to lay the responsibility for his specialized care on your lap? Oh no. That doesn't fly at all.
I'd probably start with a very soon meeting with your sisters and lay it all out in a reality check. You're available to visit on occasion but that is all you are available for.
But whatever route you choose to go with this, make sure what you say is what you are prepared to follow through with.
Aaarg families!!
Hugs
Amanda
Susan, I am really sorry that you have to deal with this situation. Your 2 sisters are not helping you at all. I think that the time has come for you to call them and tell them that you can't do it as your health is bad and that if they don't step up to the plate you will have to call social services. Your dad is a vulnerable adult and the fact that he is not able to get his meds, meals, care, etc means that he is going to be high on the scale for someone reporting this.
You need to protect yourself as you are the closest relative and you can't do it and should not be responsible. The sister that took your dad out of the nursing home has probably set herself up for some static because of this whole fiasco. When a doctor refuses to care for a patient anymore it is usually because of noncompliance of the patient/family, etc. This is not an uncommon thing because of the dynamics of families and because of guilt.
Please know that whatever you do to get care for your dad is ok. He is not of sound mind at this stage of the game and doesn't understand that he is not getting the care he needs. This is just so common and you would do well to call social services (to provide/protect for your dad and to protect yourself) and explain your dilemma if your sisters don't stop up to the plate. Please keep us posted on this. The time comes when one just can't carry the load alone. Hugs. Irish
I concur with Irish.
Susan - I'm so sorry you and your sisters are having to struggle with this situation. I remember when the decision was made to put my grandparents into extended care (at different times) - it was emotionally painful for everyone :(
It sounds to me like there may be some degree of family denial about the severity of your father's health situation, because even IF you were well enough to make the trip to your father's home four times a day, I'm still trying to figure out how everyone has agreed that four visits a day (or more when your sisters visit) equates to 24 hour care...
I agree with the wisdom and advice offered in this thread by others. Let us know how this turns out.
Dear Susan,
I am not nearly as well spoken or wise as the other members who have posted, but I did want to offer my support to you none the less.
Firstly, you have not done anything wrong, so please stop beating yourself up.
Your sisters have never gotten how sick you are. That saddens me. And I don't think they ever will.
Dad needs a representative, and it looks like you won that by default. I know it will be hard because I have been in your shoes. But you don't need regret when this is all said and done. I wish you strength to get through this with the help of your husband. And of course you can lean on us as well. Take on step at a time.
(((Susan))) - sending a hug to you, as you could sure use one.
To be honest, this doesn't surprise me about your sisters - as through the years with some of your other posts - your sisters have always put your parents care on you - since you live next door to them.
As our parents age - most need additional care, that many times, family just can't provide.
Your dads care becomes a balancing act - between a rock and a hard place, at times. Especially if your dad is refusing to do the therapy. If he doesn't follow doctor instructions, and then family pulls dad out of the facility - against the doctors advice - it becomes a sticky wicked.
I agree with the others that you three sisters need to discuss this situation about dad - and be truthful with each other about what you can and cannot do to help dad. If you are not physically able to be the caregiver (which is a HUGE task in and of itself - and you already have plenty on your plate) - say so. Don't let your sisters guilt you into something you know you just are not capable of doing.
I know it's hard when dad wants to be in his own home - in his familiar surroundings, etc. It becomes difficult when you want to honor your dads wishes, but, also realize that he is not able to care for himself and "someone" needs to care for him . . . . but, NOT you. If none of you sisters can give dad the care he needs - then, it will need to be discussed what to do - whether going back to the nursing home or getting home health, etc. This situation just can't be swept under the rug - your dad is not going to suddenly "get well" and be able to care for himself.
Susan, you have a big heart - we know you love your dad and want what is best for him. I'm sorry you are once again left to handle a situation with your dad and that your sisters put the task on you.
Please take care of yourself - skipping your medicine and not getting enough rest will not help you.
Hugs,
Bucky
Thanks to all of you girls.
Each of you said things I can identify with or know is true.
It means so much to me especially right now.
I became such a basket case last night with no sleep, etc. My husband finally early this morning, or well, yesterday morning now, called one of my sisters that lives closest to us, and told her we had to go for his endo appointment, and then for later today now a podiatrist app, go get flu shots, and me and him another shot, and then we have not had sleep, and that I was in no shape to give dad any injections etc.
We have not heard from either sister since. Right now I must admit I am grateful for some solitude.
One bit of info I didn't want to post, but I think I should for all of you who care and understand.
Before this last time dad was put a few days into the hospital and then sent on to the nursing home for rehabilitation, my husband ran into a neighbor of ours at a store that lives right across the road from dad. He told my husband that during the night his dog kept barking and barking. He kept opening his door to tell it to be quiet, but it wouldn't so he watched it, and seen it running back from dad's house to this place in the road where a deep ditch to the side is over a culvert.
He finally walked out to where the dog was, and he said there was my dad laying down in the ditch and making sounds, but couldn't get out. He and his son in law got dad out, and because he himself has diabetes knew the signs, got dad something to eat, and then dad was himself again. Dad's blood sugar had dropped too low in the middle of the night and that is where he ended up, and he didn't know where he was.
I had given dad hard candy to keep near him and on him and told him why, but he forgets so that doesn't help. One sister made that aware to his doctor too. The dog basically saved his life. (he deserved a steak)
So yes, things have really been serious through out all of this. When me and my husband got married, my dear precious mother gave us this beautiful picture with what she said was her favorite saying. You will recognition it. :)
* God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference *
My mother said this helped her through many situations
I guess I need to now take mom's gift to me, and put it to use.
God Bless all of you for your thoughtful words, and I could tell they were carefully thought out. I love all of you.
Each of you will be blessed many times over. Something I believe.
I will let you all know how it goes.
Hugs,
susanep
Here is a site for you and your sisters to research.
http://www.payingforseniorcare.com/
Dad's doctor of many years determined that he needs 24 hr care.
Now he is home alone. Is that a recipe for imminent disaster?
It is very difficult to be told that the recommendation/opinion is that a person who was once the 'family provider, independent' is to not go home to all the things he knows.. his comfort zone he worked so hard for and his memories. To stay in an alien place, at the beck and call of strangers " like a child".
I would find the imminent goal is to keep Dad safe and make the process physically easier for you and the closer sister. So if that means having Dad stay in shifts with one of you, for meals, preventing falls, using the time to embrace the time with him.. then go spend time on weekends with the furthest sister.. instead of running over to his home (and when not there wondering if he is alright), for peace of mind this is what I would work out.
*When I brought Mom home for Hospice it was infinitely less taxing, more relaxing vs. dressing, talking to doctors and driving to visit her one and two x's a day. All of that energy could instead be spent on 'us' and have some left over. It was easier to take a nap while she slept.
- There are longer acting insulins that do not require injections X 4. If that is an option.
-** Children (not spouses) who are caretakers can be certified and receive pay for their services. That is on the link.
Those monies could be used to off-set the cost of an aide. Some nursing home aides work privately as well part-time.
* Or better, help pay for cleaning help for you and your husband for the time being.
- Since your father cannot give himself injections, is he eligible for a Visiting Nurse?
Have Dad and daughters looked into senior housing/assisted living?
With his history of hip/osteo.. falls are a concern and all that would entail.
My paternal grandmother was independent in her own apartment in NYC well into her 80's, until some heathen apparently followed her from the bank and mugged her in the building stairwell and tossed her down the stairs.
She came to live a month with one brother, then a month with the other.. then the other other brothers' wife decided it was too much for her. So grandmother was full time with us. I would bathe her and take her for car rides. Took her through a drive-thru car wash and thought she was going to have a heart attack.
She was spry and healthy, eventually losing enough of her sight that a home health care person was hired when we where out of the home. Parents at work, myself at college.
In her very late 90's she did go into a nursing home and passed just shy of being 100 years old.
She actually liked the nursing home and being with others her age, having "life and times" experiences in common.
I believe it is healthier than having a TV going for company.. more stimulating for them, understandably.
Susan
I'm going to toss this idea out there as a possible consideration. Obviously we don't know the specifics of your dad's situation other than he requires 24 hr care.
What about adult day care as an option? I have a neighbor who's grandmother has alzeheimer's. Every week day she goes to day care. The grandmother is under 24/7 supervision in that arrangement. At home Mary's daughter and granddaughter take turns.
I don't know the costs, or if that is an option even through elderly services in your state...just another idea to bounce around with your sisters.
I mean maybe your sisters would be more agreeable to stepping up to the plate with THAT option as opposed to having your dad live with you.
Just a thought.
Amanda
Adult Day Care Services
helpguide.org/articles/caregiving/adult-day-care-services.htm
Susan,, found another online resource. Eldercare Locator, a public service of the U.S. Administration on Aging connecting you to services for older adults and their families.You can also reach us at 1-800-677-1116.
http://www.eldercare.gov/Eldercare.NET/Public/Index.aspx
Thank you for your post.
With symptoms limiting abilities we have discussed downsizing. Preparing for what will be.
Next will on the horizon will be the care of MIL when that time comes.
The other point about your post is the reminder of some strings I need to tie.. so that my own children do not have to experience what you are going through. And some pitfalls I encountered.
Hope all is moving along for all of you.
Susan-
I am the oldest sinking in my blended family. My dad isn't my biological parent. I was 7 when he and mom met. My middle sister is my half sister and the only biological child of dad. Youngest sister is adopted.
Our mom passed away in 2000. I took off three months to care for mom during day time.( My health was not as bad as it is now so I could care for her.)
I was chosen to be the keeper of advanced directives and wills.
My dad is now 84. He lived with my husband and I from 2000-2011. We had to move for work and dad wanted to stay put so he moved into all inclusive senior apartment.
Fast forward to 2014- dad is in an out of hospital - he has diabetes ;COPD;CHF;renal failiure and is now morbidly obese. He cant walk across his studio apartment without using a walker and he now purchased a used motorized chair to get around his senior building for meals. His retirement building will transport him to medical appointments and stores plus if he wants to go another time he can afford private disabled transport services.
My sisters are constantly wanting me to be the food police (so he will eat right) and his private taxi service.
I cant lift his walker or push him in a wheel chair nor will I add a lift gate to my vehicle so he can have his scooter.
I stand my ground and insist he utilize other transportation. I documented (with dads approval)to each specialist Dr how my dad is not following their advice on diet and exercise and its ridiculous to be visiting multiple doctors a week.
My sisters are not happy but it was the right thing to do for me and dad.
Hadn't dad not been coherent cognitively I would have arranged for him to be in an assisted living situation.
My health is important to me. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty. Do sit the sisters down and put the "ball" in their lap!
Hugs and moral support.
Deb
Sending you love and hugs Susan. I am carer to my Dad who is 86. He moved round the corner from me last year after Mum died. It makes life much easier as there is no need for transport - I can literally run round with a meal in 30 seconds. However, I know I can't do the nights and he has had several hospital admissions when I can't care for him at home.
You have to be clear what you can offer and get help for what you can't. And also be prepared for that to change as your health changes. Every day is not the same with AIs and if you wear yourself to the ground, it is to no-one's advantage. I know in your heart you want to do the right thing and you are a lovely daughter for wishing that. Please keep us posted and let us know how things are going.
Here for you when you need us,
Ailsa
(PS just re-read that and it is a little bit of an exaggeration to say I literally run round to Dad's ...It has been more of an ungainly hobble lately!)
Thanks Deb and Ailsa, and I appreciate everyone's help. It does mean a lot!
My dad can't walk anymore without his walker, and can't drive anymore after an accident. He has a pace maker, and has congestive heart failure, and his diabetes is getting worse all the time. He now has the open weeping ulcers on one of his legs. I know how serious that is, because my husband has had them. He also won't eat the way they tell him even when he is taken the healthy foods. He hides sweet treats, and salty chips behind his chair. He has severe loss of bone in his hips. When he walks I know they just grind together. And also, as another said, due to his cognitive ability, he doesn't want to leave his house.
I am taking care of me now though. I have too.
I think mom was the only one who could really keep him in line. lol...
susanep
QuoteAnd also, as another said, due to his cognitive ability, he doesn't want to leave his house.
Not uncommon for our olders to prefer to stay in their own houses. However, reality is what it is.
Even if your own medical situation was better, the reality is that even with the best of intentions to honor your father's wishes, his wishes contradict what is in his best interests as supported by your description.
When we were little, and our parents took care of us, I think most of us can recall a few times when what we asked for something we wanted we got that "No". Our parents were looking out for our best interests, which don't necessarily line up with what we need.
Then it comes full circle when one or more parents reaches teh stage of needing full time caregiver support. Then it is up to first - who was given the authority - second, in the best case scenario a collaborative effort with the siblings to act in the parent's best interests.
I am happy to hear that you are prioritizing taking care of you first.
I still to this day recall a former manager of mine who's husband developed alzheimers. We'll call her Lois. Her husband Jimmy. She worked FT, had health issues of her own. She kept Jimmy home far too long. HE was the sweetest man by nature. But those cognitive issues at times resulting in him becoming violent. Got to the point she had no choice but to put him in a home. It became a safety issue for her.
Sounds like your dad has reached the point of not being able to act in his own best interests. It is what it is.
The person he designated to act on his behalf carries the brunt of the decision, and is ultimately accountable - period.
So as a sidebar, don't let your sibs pull the guilt strings either. ;)
Like others I feel for you. So many of us have been through similar family situations.
I work in an elder care organization and have come to know just a bit about services in our local community as well. If you have not I suggest contacting your Area Agency on Aging. They are an umbrella organization that can help connect you to services for your dad and you and your husband.
You will be in my prayers.
Thanks again folks. I do appreciate all the links to help etc. I don't think it will be very long until dad is in a home permanently.
susanep :)
Questions and Answers About Medicare for Caregivers
medicare.gov/files/ask-medicare-questions-and-answers.pdf
Diabetes and Long-Term Care
diabetes.niddk.nih.gov/dm/pubs/america/pdf/chapter28.pdf
Home Care and Support for Diabetes
interimhealthcare.com/Home-Care/Information/Diabetes
Hello Everyone, I wanted to give an update about my dad.
He was put in the hospital today, due to his back hurting him so bad, but also due to part of the protocol before going back into the nursing home. We 3 sisters have agreed that it is time for dad to go into the nursing home permanently now. He has had more falls during any short time someone is not there etc. He was not hurt, but don't want him to be hurt. It was hard for everyone, but we know it's the right decision for dad.
Keep us all in your prayers.
Thank you all so much. All of you are always in my prayers.
susanep
Oh, Susan. I am sorry to hear about your dad. It brings back my experience with my own dear father.
But the good news is that he is getting proper care in the hospital and will eventually be living in the safety of a nursing home. I am also glad for your sake, and dad's, that the three of you were able to work together and come to an agreement.
Yes. Saying prayers for all of you.
Thank you Carebear,
That means a lot to me.
susanep :)
Susan - I echo Carebear's post. I think your dad is where he needs to be right now with people who can watch over him and tend to his needs. He will adjust when he is moved to a nursing home and it will also give him the opportunity to be around others his age.
I know it's been a difficult decision for you and your sisters. I think at some point in life, all of us are faced with similar decisions for our parents. It doesn't make it any easier, but others of us have been in your shoes too.
I hope this will give you some peace of mind knowing dad isn't living by himself and that others will look after his care and the responsibility doesn't lie on your shoulders to physically take care of your dad.
You're a good daughter - you can be proud of that.
Hugs,
Bucky
Thank you Bucky,
You are a very sweet person, as are all. Life is hard when these things roll around, but also each of us will face this too. I am not that far behind my dad. He is 82, and I am 62. He doesn't know yet, but me and one of my sisters will be together when dad finds out. I am glad my mother wasn't faced with this with dad. He will probably be transferred there later this week.
susanep
I worked as the bookkeeper in a nursing home many, many years ago, and I remember when a parent would be admitted and be very angry with their children, doctors, and the staff. The children, in turn, would be angry at the staff and at the nursing home and would yell at me -- or any other employee they could find. I would have to tell the family that anger is a pretty normal reaction to learning that the parent couldn't live on their own anymore. I had to have a pretty thick skin every day.
It is truly a sad thing that we have to have nursing homes, but it is also a sad thing that we have to have Sjogrens World Forums! But there is a need for nursing homes, just as there is a need for this forum. It's a sad truth, but it's one that we have to live with.
Not to make light of the situation, but my daughter was in grade school when I worked at the nursing home, and I came home one day after having to deal with an angry parent who was screaming at her children and at the nursing staff. I said to my daughter, "If the time should come, I want you to know that it will be okay for you to put me in a nursing home." And she answered, without blinking an eye, "Well, yes! Of course I will!"
:o
Susan
I am so relieved that you have found a solution for your dad's situation. It must be so difficult for you, but not having to worry about him wandering at night, or falling and seriously hurting himself will, hopefully, help you to have some peace of mind.
I will pray that your dad isn't too upset when he finds out, and that you and your sisters have the strength you need.
Wishing you all the very best
God bless.
Kathyx