I am unable to sleep as I am very stressed. I know many of you know of my troubles with my husband. We have only been intimate a handful of times in our 6 year marriage. He is very withdrawn in general. He refuses counseling, and so I have just been kind of treading water. He lies to me a lot about finances, among other things. I have nowhere to seek advice!
Here it goes....
I tried calling my husband today at work at 11:20 am or so to see if I could drop off lunch to him. Nice, right?! He never answered, nor did he call me back all day. So this evening, as we were getting ready to sleep, I told him that I was trying to call him today about lunch. He said he was sorry that he didn't look at his phone all day as it was plugged in. Really? His business cell phone? All day? I doubt it....
I asked him nonchalantly what he ended up doing for lunch. He said he stayed at the office and had
a canned shake.
My heart sunk. I kept quiet and rolled over into my pillow because an hour earlier I found a receipt for the Vietnamese restaurant on his dresser in the amount of $39, including tip--FOR TODAY at 12:30pm, when he said he was at the office. Why in the world would he lie about lunch?!
I am going to find someone to watch the girls while I drive over to the restaurant tomorrow to talk to whoever saw him or served him at the restaurant. One person alone would spend maybe $20-25 tops in there for lunch. It seems as though he was paying for two people to eat.
I am just sick inside. I know if he was cheating on me he would never admit it. Never. I have caught him in several huge lies, and he still denied everything, despite the proof.
One time I found the mop (green handle) broken in half and green paint marks on the garage railing. He denied breaking the mop and claimed that someone broke into our house and broke the mop over the railing. Seriously. He expected me to believe that ridiculous lie.
Another time, when I noticed that there was a $13k bonus on his paycheck stub and asked him where the bonus went, he claimed that he really didn't get a bonus. He said that payroll made an error and accidentally posted the bonus, when in reality, he didn't get the bonus. He expected me to believe that lie, too. I actually did for a while.
He acts like he despises me. He won't touch me, talk to me, or even smile at me. He is very secretive and tells me nothing about his life or what he does. We have nothing more than a business relationship. I wish I could divorce him. I don't know how I could without a job and with sjogrens making it hard for me. Maybe he will just do it. I really thought that I married a good man. I made such a mistake. Now this. I doubt I will sleep a wink.
Sorry to hear you are having such a bad night.
I totally know what you are dealing with.
It was soooo hard for me to leave and life was hard after I did. 12 years later I wish I would have left sooner, it all seems like another life.
I knew I was worth more and I was right
Ark mom,
I am so sorry... I cannot imagine how lonely you must feel. He sounds truly cruel in the way he treats you. You mentioned he refuses counseling,, but perhaps you could go on your own and get some advice on what to do if you choose to leave, or how far you go to try and save the marriage.
I wish you courage and strength
sending you prayers and strength! i just went through a divorce recently so i can relate.
Sending you positive thoughts and prayers.
It is difficult enough having an autoimmune disease that is so unpredictable and cause you such different symptoms daily, never mind having a spouse who is so unsupportive.
I agree with some of the other posters - even though he is not willing to go to counseling, maybe you should to see if you can figure out what you want and need to do to improve your life. I hear what you are saying about leaving someone when you have no job and feel as though as you cannot work because you are so sick at times with sjogrens.
Hoping there is a light at the end of the tunnel for you. Hang in there.
Thinking of you. I married a very good liar as well, and for many years knew I should leave, that I deserved better. I didn't because of kids and my guilt associated with them if I did, plus trying to figure out to make it on my own with 2 kids. 21 years into the marriage, he had an affair and left. I was so upset, and it wasn't actually because of him leaving, it was a "how dare you" after I stuck it out all those years. I too have regrets that I didn't leave when I first knew I should. It was many wasted years of my life that I can't get back.
I spent many years being lonely Ark. I had great kids, a job and things to do, but I was still so very lonely being in that loveless marriage. I hope you do go see a counselor and get some advice on how to help you, not him. Listen to your gut. I wish I would have.
And just so you know, it ended up being the best thing that ever happened to me. It wasn't at the time, but I am so much better off now. I remarried a very supportive, loving man who treats me well. I didn't know what I was missing until I met him. I did, but I didn't. I am a firm believer that when one door closes, another opens. You just have to be willing to go through that new door.
I have not had your situation, but am going through it with a relative. He should have left long ago but stayed for the kids. It would have been better had he left earlier.There is heart break at the time and many issues that are not always easy to resolve, but life is too short to spent it with someone who may be making your body more ill than it really is.
Stress can make you sick and autoimmune will be worse in the presence of stress. Counseling and asking for help is the way to go. Living with someone who steals your soul isi not worth it. Just my thoughts. IRish
Dear Ark,
Sometimes the right choice is hard, even seems harder than the wrong choice.
That's life.
I always want the right choice to be obvious and easy.
It isn't.
This is my way of saying that staying in denial and pain will only get worse.
Making a change will be super hard, and scary, but you will be moving towards better.
However, only you know when this is possible.
Is there any way to get objective counseling?
I wish everything were easier.
Hugs
Elaine
I had a "former life". My ex was the same way.
I was scared. I had never been alone. After the divorce was all over, I wished I had done it sooner.
It ended up being the best thing that happened to me. My stress was gone. I probably should have gone to a counselor
but I had a good friend to talk to. You know that you have that here. We are all here for you!!!
If you feel like it, please keep talking to us.
Hugs and more hugs.
Jennifer - Another Ark. mom
Dear Ark,
I was in your situation many years ago, with four kids, and no income. I feel for you deeply.
Women especially have keen instincts when it comes to these things. My gut was telling me one thing, and my heart was telling me another. I learned to follow my gut because it has never led me astray.
I agree that you should get some counseling ASAP from someone who can look at your situation with objective eyes.
I was too close to my situation to see it clearly, beat down, and depressed. It really does affect your thinking and decision-making!
With counseling, I figured out what was best for me. I moved ahead, it was scary, but I knew I was making the best possible decision to become a healthy mom for my kids. I took a leap of faith and trusted that everything would be ok. It turned out OK for me.
Take control of your own life now so that the decision isn't made for you and catches you off guard. Do the work to figure out what to do next.
Sending up prayers for you.
(((HUGS)))
Oh Ark - I'm so sorry to hear how hard things are. I know the pain and mental torment. I know how scary stepping out alone is. You can only do what feels right at the time. But you are worthy of being loved, treasured, communicated with. Your needs and happiness are equally as important as your husband's. When you are ready, lean on your friends and family and focus on you and your peace of mind and future.
Thinking of you xx Ailsa
I don't see how you could be any more lonely than you are now. I wonder if you could find someone to do a financial search of where that bonus went? I bet he is hiding a lot of money, and you need to find that before you take him to an attorney.
amazon.com/books/dp/1591133246 is a very good book, but make sure the man is not around to see it. She also has a divorce support group, or did.
Honey, you don't need this. But you will get through it. One little step at a time. I'd check his credit report as an early step, to see what other accounts he may have open.
But first you get to have a good cry.
Hugs, Sharon
Thank you everyone for your kind words and support.
I decided not to go to restaurant and ask any questions after all. After a long night and day of thinking things through, I realized that I want out of is marriage no matter what the revelation might be, whether he is cheating on me or not.
I opened my own bank accounts today, and I put a flurry of applications in online.
Powderpuff, I, too, am beat down. In the past, I have constantly found excuses for why I must stay married to him. First it was because my girls were still babies, then because I didn't want my girls to go to day care, and finally it has been because I have been sick, needing knee surgery, lots of meds, and just plain scared.
I don't want to live the rest of my life like this. Even if I never experience love again, it would be better than the emotional abuse he has put me through for years. He is a pathological liar, too. Everything he says may be a lie. I never know the truth about anything.
Sharon, I like the way you think! Those are some great ideas. I will look into the book. If I cry over him, I will have a horrible stuffy nose for a day and red burning eyes. He is NOT worth that (or I would). LOL.
I have a counselor, but I have not seen her in 6 months. An appointment with her will be next. Thank you to all who suggested that.
Ark mom,
Thanks for the update today. I have been thinking about you and flashing back to the situation I was in. I even had a bad dream last night that I went back to my former hubby! what a nightmare.
I didn't cry after I left. It shocked my sister who I was staying with but I never shed a tear. I was all cried out during the marriage!!
Remember, "It will all be fine in the end. If it is not fine, it is not the end".
Also, "Falling on your face is a forward movement".
Please feel free to keep venting to us. We are here for you.
Ark mom,
I am so sorry to hear that things have gotten progressively worse for you. Nothing about your situation is easy, but the sooner you take action, the sooner you can begin a new life. You deserve to be happy and so do your girls.
I am glad you reached out to your Sjoggie family. You are here for you. And that's what family is for. Stay in touch so we can help lift you up when you need it.
Dearest Ark mom,
I'm watching the same thing happen in my family right now.
No need to see beyond the first step, because the process evolves and you and your children will evolve with it.
Pain is the price tag of emotional growth.
But it is pain well spent.
Hugs
Elaine
Love and prayers to you. Ck
I'm asking Angela Hoy for a free copy of her e-book for you. I'm pretty sure she'll send it to me and I'll forward it to you privately.
Hugs,
Sharon
Dear Ark Mom,
Avoid letting your analytical mind (the "yes, but"... part of you), or concern about the future and the unknown, keep you from making necessary changes.
It is a major red flag to see pathological lying in anyone. It is a serious character defect.
We deserve people in our lives that add to, not detract from.
I am concerned about his effect on your children. Even if he is a great Dad, kids pick up on their environment. Girls, in their later years, can be attracted to men that remind them of their father. They will expect to be treated in the way their father treated their mother. In my case that was quite fortunate as my father was a kind man, devoted to my Mom.
I think you would shudder thinking of your girls in a relationship with the type of man you married. They already have his genes. It is risky having him remain in their home environment as a role model they observe - his mood, behavior, lying and unwillingness to address problems.
Intelligence and a caring heart shines through your posts. I pray for a decision that leads you somewhere better.
I am sorry you are going through this but so glad you are making positive changes, however difficult they are.
Please, PLEASE - see an attorney IMMEDIATELY!!!! It is very important that you go through all this stuff correctly, or I suspect your husband will lie, cheat, and steal to make sure you get as little as possible from your SHARED assets. You need to IMMEDIATELY make copies of all bank statements, pay stubs, tax documents, deeds, car registration, insurance policies, retirement accounts, EVERYTHING. Also go through the house and photograph ALL assets, no matter how insignificant. Make copies of family photos and videos - in nasty cases, sometimes people will steal/destroy those things simply to hurt their ex-spouse. Get a hold of all those things and put the copies in a safe deposit box and/or at your attorney's office.
Have a cell phone in your own name that he cannot cancel or access. Have a safe place you can go with your children. Even if he has never been abusive, it sounds like he's a sneak and not to be trusted - you never know what the stress of a divorce will do to people. Please be smart and safe - for yourself and your children. I am not trying to scare you - it may all go really well - he may not react badly at all - but if you feel he's been lying to you all these years about so many things, then you need to be smart and proactive.
Sounds like you are making a good decision...this is the hard part, but I bet in a year or so, once you are out of the shadow of all this negativity, you will feel sooooooo much better, and so will your kids.
Best of luck, and please let us know how you are doing!
I don't know much about these kind of situations but one thing that
struck me as odd. Why would he put the restaurant receipt right out on
his dresser in plain sight? And is seems at the same point in time say he had
a canned shake in the office.
Did he want you to find it? Does he want a divorce and is trying to
provoke you to ask for one?
I am very sorry this situation is like this, it must be awful for you, I can
only imagine your pain.
take care of yourself and your girls
eye2dry
My experience with people that are pathological liars, especially if they have been getting away with it for years, think they are untouchable. Thus leaving the receipt in plain sight is nothing they worry about because they know they can lie themselves out of it.
I have not been sleeping well the past few nights as I am horribly anxious about my state of affairs. My appt is tomorrow morning with an attorney, just for a consultation.
I am almost to the point of madness over things. I have been having a painful flare-up ever since my knee surgery in June. If I don't take a hydrocodone every day, I can barely function. I have never had a painful flare-up like this. I don't know how long it will last. What if I never get over this? I feel like I am a real person in a joke body. I cannot count on it to be there for me when I need it.
When I run scenarios in my mind about filing for divorce, I feel impowered and strong, like I could accomplish anything and go back to work like a champ! My children and I live happily ever after in peace. Then, I am jolted back to reality when I have a day like today that I am so tired and feeling lots of pain, and my mouth is so dry that I can barely talk. Where are your super powers now, Wonder Woman?
After a day like today, I realize that I am a pathetic excuse for a super hero, that I can accomplish very little and have no business even thinking I could survive outside this marriage--housing, car, health insurance, medical bills, drug costs.
My mom tries to encourage me to leave him and try a new life, which I would gladly accept, if I knew I could count on my body to allow me to work.
Curse you, body!!
Then, after work, I must care for two little children on my own. Being a single parent is difficult enough, even for the healthy, but here I am with this crummy chronic illness!? I feel I would fail miserably, then lose my children or have to willingly give up custody because I can not take care of them, let alone myself. My mom would help, but she is 65. She cannot be here for me forever.
My dad took us for lunch at the art museum today. I could barely handle it. I agonized over all of the people, much older than I, zipping around and enjoying themselves.
An aside, my husband doesn't even wear his wedding ring anymore, even though he hasn't lost it, a bold statement, showing me how he feels about me and our marriage. I asked him about it once, and he said it was no big deal.
I am not a fighter. I cannot fight what is going on in my life. I have no control over my health. My husband thinks, perhaps rightly so, that I am too sick to divorce him, too sick to live a normal life, and with that, he is able to treat me as badly as he wishes. He has power and control over me that I may not ever be able to escape.
If nothing else can happen soon, depending on what the attorney suggest, I am starting to substitute teach this fall, as much as I can when Bruce is in town. If he is traveling, I won't sub because I think that would be too much for me to handle.
Dear Ark Mom,
You are experiencing so much stress right now, I am not surprised that your body is in revolt. Be kind to yourself, and please try to tell yourself you CAN do this. You just need to take baby steps. Slow and steady.
I think starting to substitute teach in the Fall is a great idea. It should help your self-confidence and hopefully you can stash away some of that money too.
Maybe there is someone you can live with, even temporarily, once you and the girls start your new life. And no, your mom won't be there for you forever, but she's there for you now. Let her help you. That's what moms do.
Ark Mom
I am sorry that you are going through this. My suggestion is to empower yourself. Don't let the messages that your husband is sending you leave you crippled. You have challenges to deal with such as your health and starting a new life but you do have the strength to do this. You have already taken the first big step by making an appt with an attorney.
I am also a single parent but did not have marital issues so maybe what I say may not carry weight for you. But, when I let panic take hold I was unable to move forward. Now I write out a plan for myself and when I find myself falling into a state of despair my plan reminds me that there is a way out.
Remember stress will make you feel worse. Look for the rays of hope and show him the stuff that you are made of.
Sending support and wish you strength.
Again, I see this close at hand.
The emotional stress is overwhelming.
But it HAS to be gone through.
Doing nothing is doing something: that something is empowering the current situation to GET WORSE, the kids to get older with a model of tolerating the unacceptable on one side and doing the unacceptable on the other side.
Your fears are worse than the reality of change. I KNOW this, both from my own experience, and through observing others.
If your mother supports you and is half way a positive influence, do what you can as soon as you can.
You must go with the hard thing that is RIGHT, rather than staying with the hard thing that is WRONG.
You can do it.
Trust.
Hugs
Elaine
No one has control over you, unless you give it to them.
That is one of my favorite sayings. Thinking of you.
From what you have said here, i do believe that once you make the break and go through that rough, stressful transition, being in a better situation and away from the abuse will buoy you up more than you think - while the stress of the change is hard on you and your body, in the long run I bet you will be FAR HEALTHIER once you are out of this marriage.
I am so glad you have supportive family. 65 is not that old - my mom is 73 and still runs circles around me! Speaking as a mom (I know you are one too, so you can relate...) NOTHING is worse than seeing your kid suffer. I am sure she will be OVERJOYED to help you - and think what a wonderful example you are setting for your kids - to be brave and choose HEALTH and LOVE over sickness, depression, disrespect, and abuse. You would NEVER want one of your kids to stay in a marriage like yours, so SHOWING them how to get out of it is the best thing for ALL of you - whatever difficulties it incurs in the short run.
Research shows that in truly unhappy marriages that eventually break up (and also those that don't, where people just live and die miserable...) the kids almost ALWAYS report that even as difficult as divorce is, they wish their parents had split up sooner. Kids need HAPPY parents more than they need MARRIED parents.
The disease presents some unique problems - but lots of people with unique problems end up being successful single parents - people who are disabled, people who are poor, people who have to travel all the time for work...almost no parenting situation is without challenges. You can do it - and you DON'T have to do it alone. There are community resources for single parents - you probably just don't know about them because you haven't had to seek them out yet. You may find a whole new wonderful, SUPPORTIVE group of friends to share your burdens and joys with.
It may really surprise you what you CAN do once you are out from under his negative influence.
Best of luck, my dear - you know we are all rooting so hard for you. I'm filled with hope and joy for you that you have taken the first steps and are being smart about things - seeing the attorney, etc. Please let is know how you are doing, and carry our best wishes with you tomorrow. ((((((hugs))))))
Heavens, Ark Mom,
I am 71, with tons of conditions, and my 43 year old son has moved in with us, divorcing (perhaps) after a 16 year marriage, a 6 year old daughter, 11 year old son and 14 year old son, and two year old beagle. (the beagle comes with the kids).
We had the kids for the weekend. We will have them Tuesday through Thursday morning.
This is LOTS of stress. But it must be done. He has been miserable. And while I don't know what will happen in the future, this had to happen now.
So your mother will cope, and speaking as a mother, I know that Sleepy in Seattle is right.
Hugs
Elaine
It isn't as if you are effectively a single mom now, but with one much older "child" who is very rebellious and a major problem.
You can do this, and will be far the better off for it!
Hugs, Sharon
Ark mom
I hear all that you are saying. This will be a leap of faith.
Trust me when I say it gets better! I am proof.
The mind / body connection is amazing. I feel much better physically once I left a crappy marriage.
I know your mind is not made up yet. But listen to us when we say you will be better off once you are out on your own.
You can do this girl.
Like I said it worked for me and made a better life for my son.