I've not posted much lately. It's been a hard few months with Mum in hospital and Dad unwell at home. I just want to share with you my sad news. Mum died on Saturday, on her 87th birthday. She had been increasingly frail and confused. I was able to spend lots of time with her whilst off school for Easter and on the Friday before she died I sat with her all day whilst she slept. She wanted me to wash her hair and get her clothes ready for the next morning, her birthday.
She had been sent home from hospital 8 days before, on oxygen, so we knew she wouldn't be able to do much but had planned a quiet day with the grandchildren popping in. Dad rang early as I was getting ready to go round to say that she had collapsed and was going back to hospital. By the time we got there, she was very poorly. The staff were amazing and so sensitive. When it was clear that there was nothing to be done but wait, we were given a beautiful quiet room with lovely views and the sun shone in all day.
I had some time on my own with Mum, holding her hand and singing to her. Dad knew he didn't want to be there at the end and went home for a rest. My eldest son and younger daughter were with us. Peter thanked God for the life of his Nanna and prayed that the Lord would take her peacefully and within a minute she slipped away. It was so painful yet so precious.
I'd love to hear how others have coped with their loss. At the moment, I feel like I will never stop hurting and would do anything for just one more day with my mum. I'm glad she is no longer struggling but I don't know how I will ever be normal again. Something has changed in me and everything hurts.
Sorry for sharing such sadness. I have to be strong for Dad and for the 'children' - 17 and 20s - but as soon as I am alone it hits again with such force. Please share your memories and how you have coped. Thankyou xx Ailsa
I am so sorry for your loss. My own mother passed awhile back and was seriously ill before she died. I spent a lot of time caring for her. She was in a coma before she died. I remember that a few hours after I left her the nurse called to tell me the news. The grief was painful. It will take time. Cherish your memories and talk about them. It may help you with your grief.
Sending (hugs).
I'm very sorry for your loss. It has been over 20 years since my Mom passed and I still wish I had a moment of her time to share this or that with her. I don't think we ever get over these types of losses but we do get through them... moment by moment, day by day, week by week, month by month and then a year and time keeps of moving us forward. It gets better and your grief will lift but for now it is so new so allow yourself to feel the pain, cry and be sad. I agree with Cassi307 about talking and sharing memories. There is comfort in sharing your tears but also your laughter.
Dearest Alisa,
Your mother must have been a wonderful woman, to have such a loving daughter.
My heart, thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Love and Hugs
Elaine
((Ailsa)) - I'm so sorry to hear your mum has passed away.
Your mum lived a long life - 87 yrs. old, and your parents celebrated 60 yrs. together in December.
Ailsa, it's all so fresh - allow yourself time to grieve for your mum. There's no magic number that says you have to grieve for six days and then move on. Take as long as you need and want to grieve for your mum. Your mum will always be your mum - nothing will ever take that away.
I spent the last week of my mother's life camped out in her room at the nursing home and holding her hand and talking to her when she took her last breath almost eight years ago. As difficult as it was to say goodbye to her, I knew she wouldn't have to suffer in pain from her multiple myeloma any more. She was free.
Down the road, there will be smiles and laughter again when you fondly remember your mum and the life she shared with you and your family.
There will be many occasions that come out of the blue where a certain smell, sound, color, flower, etc. will trigger a memory of your mum. It's okay to feel sad - it's all part of the grieving process.
I had a lady make quilts out of my moms clothes for each of us kids and for Dad. I have mine hanging in the living room below a picture of my mom. When I see that quilt and her picture (she is wearing a piece of clothing in that picture that is in this quilt) - it makes me feel close to her. Perhaps you could do something like that with your mums clothes.
Please take care of yourself too - stress is not a Sjoggies friend, and grief can add to the aches and pains we experience. Even though you want to be the "strong one" for your Dad and children - you're hurting too - and that's not something you should keep bottled up inside.
Thinking of you, Ailsa, and sending you a hug . . . . my deepest sympathy to you and your family.
Bucky
Dearest Alisa,
I am so very sorry for your loss. When I lost my dad two years ago, my heart too was crushed from the overwhelming grief. I was alone with him when he passed away. I know what you mean about it being both painful and precious.
For me, it helped to cry. I must have shed a million tears. And I shared my feelings with a few people who I trusted.
There is no easy way to get through this. You just do the best you can, and allow yourself to feel the sadness. Life will not be the same, but it can still be beautiful. Be kind to yourself.
I am so sorry for your loss. It will take much time to become more functional. The pain will ease, but the hole in your heart will always be there. Be patient with yourself, and if you look, you will see your mom sending you messages of her love.
Hugs, Sharon
Sorry to hear about your Mum. I, too, lost my mother a year ago. 2012 was the worst year of my life. Learning to live without a parent that you have had for so many years as a constant part of your life is very difficult and takes time to adjust. Each holiday and special occasion will be especially difficult for the first year. I still miss my mother terribly and I still have days and times when I cry and grieve over my loss.
As other members have said, there will come a time when you can remember the good times you shared, the precious memories you made with her and smile and laugh.
In the meantime, take the time you need to grieve your loss.
Take some comfort in knowing that you were always there for her.
Sending prayers and positive thoughts your way.
I am glad that her passing was peaceful. It is what I hope for. A quiet end to the struggles we face in this life that is supported by our loved ones. I was there for my mother also. We were asked to leave the room for a few minutes so she could die by her nurse. My daughter and I left, waited 5 minutes and checked back. Mom had passed away. While I would have loved to stay and hold her hand, I knew that she would not go while I was doing that.
May your memories comfort you and may you be at peace with her passing.
Ailsa,
I am so sorry to hear about your mother. She obviously raised a wonderful, caring daughter and leaves such a legacy in you. Cherish your memories of her and grieve how you need to. Loss of our loved ones is extremely hard, you have to take it day by day. One day you will wake up and it won't feel so hard, you don't forget, it just gets a little easier to function. Be kind to yourself. Take care. CK
My heart is broken for you, I am so sorry for your loss...
Years ago when my daughter graduated from high school, I felt such a feeling of bitter sweet sadness. I was a single mom with my only daughter. Her and I against the world. I was o proud of her and sad too, because I knew, she was on her way to her next chapter and moving out of the house.
So I made a little homemade book for her. I titled it "There is Something I Forgot To Tell You.
Each page had one line on it with a funny thought or helpful idea. Example: never go o the grocery store hungry. Don't wait for company to come over to light candles and play music. And the last page I wrote, tell your daughter you love her every day. I tied the pages together with ribbon.
Last year, I lost a very dear friend, suddenly without warning. My heart was broken...
My daughter said to me that it might make me feel better if I made a little book for my friend, with things I forgot to tell her. So I did.
After I was finished, I read it out loud . It was very sad but it made me feel better thinking perhaps she was listening from heaven
I am sorry for your loss but so glad to hear of the precious moments you had with your mum. It is hard to lose a parent and there is not way to be prepared.
Be aware that you will feel like you will die with grief at times and cry your heart out, but eventually the pain will ease because of the peace you have knowing that she is safe and not suffering.
It is so strange---my mom died in 1984 the end of November. She called me on her birthday at supper time when the sky was turning to dusk, the air was crisp and cool and the stars were appearing in the sky. Every November I find myself reliving that phone call when the weather is just right. I feel a peace about it and it is comforting. Onoe thing that just blew me away was the number of time I headed for the phone to dial her number to tell her some little thing. It took me several years to get over that. Some things are so deeply ingrained in our spirit that only time heals.
My dad died 10 mons and 29 days later and the funeral was exactly the same and really close to the one year anniversary of her death. It was even more traumatic to have him pass way as he was our last parent. When we lose our parents we really feel like an orphan for the longest time. The pain will leave and be replaced by so many good memories. It helps to talk about them without feeling embarrassed. My oldest son is getting to be the spitting image of my dad now and I am feeling like I am reliving some of my life only with a son that I hardly recognize from his early years.
Time has a way of keeping on and giving us things to do and to keep us busy. You will make it through because it is part of the life process. Know that most of us experience the same thing with the same pain. We all have different experiences as the days and months pass by. Life is like a river......It truly is---it just keeps on flowing. Peace be with you. IRish
Seals and Crofts wrote a wonderful song:
Advance Guards
I used to look out from my window and see the tall grass in the wind.
Standing there just like advance guards waiting for the battle to begin.
My mother used to be much younger. She'd sing me soft, sweet lullabies.
I saw my fortress in the mountains each time I looked into her eyes.
But now she's gone,
Take me there, take me there, I don't care where we go.
Take me I just want to know what I used to know.
Take me there, take me there, I don't care where we go.
Take me there, take me I just want to go.
My father's hair has turned to grey now. I never stopped to ask him why.
And all the things that he onced treasured, I see them slowly drifting by.
And now I look out from my mountain and see the soldiers in the field.
It won't be long now 'til they have me. This time advance guards are for real.
Come on, come on and
Take me there, take me there, I don't care where we go.
Take me I just want to know what I used to know.
Take me there, take me there, I don't care where we go.
Take me there, take me I just want to go.
---------------------------------------------------------
For all of us who have lost parents. We will always still have their love, though.
Hugs to all,
Sharon
Ailsa,
So sorry for your loss. In the future it will be a great comfort to you that you were with her.
Take care - Scottie
Ailsa
You have had such lovely messages that all there is left for me to say is that you were very privileged to share your mum's last moments - and she was very privileged to have a daughter like you.
I will pray for you both.
God bless
Kathyx
Quote from: CMNK12 on April 11, 2013, 10:10:20 AM
Ailsa,
I am so sorry to hear about your mother. She obviously raised a wonderful, caring daughter and leaves such a legacy in you. Cherish your memories of her and grieve how you need to. Loss of our loved ones is extremely hard, you have to take it day by day. One day you will wake up and it won't feel so hard, you don't forget, it just gets a little easier to function. Be kind to yourself. Take care. CK
I was only 24 when my mom left us, she had just turned 45. The hardest thing I had done in my life at that point.She was my best friend. There will be days when you just know that she is with you and you will feel comfort. then there will be days when all you do is miss her. I like what was said here, your mom raised a wonderful daughter.....she did you know? It will take time, I still have my days~ after 30 years!! There are some of my Moms friends that say how much I look and act like Mom, that sure makes me feel good. Prayers for comfort coming your way~ Debbie
Ailsa
Sending my sympathy to you and your family. I lost my mom 5 yrs. ago and it was one of the hardest things to go through. You'll have moments that the tears will flow and that is okay, and as many have said it takes a while, grief is so different for each person.
Remember to get your rest and be good to yourself
Cricket~
This past March made one year since my mom died. I couldn't believe it had already been that long. When she died, I didn't think I could ever feel better. The others here helped me too.
It's not been long now since I have finally been able to go on. I will always miss her so much. I have a place on my computer that I write to her. I just write would I would say to her if she were here.
I tell her what is going on etc. It helps a lot. I have hundreds of pages now since the time I started it.
I am now trying to spend more time with my dad. He is 80, and he is so lonely for mom, but he has faced it too, and does his best to go on. I am proud of him.
It will take time as I found out, but your life will get better. My last vision of mom was when we were leaving her house, and she stood at her back door waving bye to us.
That kind of haunts me, because I didn't know then it really would be goodbye.
I have lots of happy thoughts of mom now. I will always love her, and she will forever be in my heart.
Also our parents do live in our hearts, and we take them with us so they are always part of us. All the things they taught us, etc. lives on in us.
susanep :)
Ailsa,
My mother passed October of last year.
I smiled as I read that you held her hand and sang to her...I did too.
I smiled that you washed her hair...
Such a wonderful gift you shared together...and that is what I hold in my heart...those moments.
My step-father had passed the year before and she missed him terribly. Mom wanted to bring him home from the nursing home as soon as he gained some strength...it did not happen, she was not there and it preyed on her mind.
Know how blessed we are...there are people who do have that 'time' together.
How supremely precious...this gift of the heart forever in our soul.
Grieve, sigh so deep and sometimes smile, giggle at the funny things she did.
I lost my Mom in Sept of 10. There isn't anything but time that will help and even then "help" is the wrong term. Ease the raw, maybe. My Mom was in horrendous pain (bone, lung and brain cancer) and even then I will never, ever say that I wish or was happy that she was taken and the pain ended. I just wanted her to stay. So I understand those feelings.
Just let yourself feel the grief, the sadness, the loss, the love, the everything and just feel it and feel what you feel and eventually it will get easier. I used to look around and wonder how the world just kept going. Still do sometimes. I admit to keeping belongings with me, certain special things, that had her energy with them and eased things for me.
I am very sorry for your loss.
Thankyou all so much for your kind thoughts and sharing your own memories too. Reading through them makes me feel so understood and supported.
It's not quite so raw any more and amidst the tears there are smiles at what Mum would have thought and said as we muddle through to next week's funeral.
So grateful for all your advice and support xx Ailsa
PS Thankyou Bucky for remembering about my parents' diamond anniversary in December too. You are very kind
Ailsa,
I hope that our memories of our own mothers are helping you feel support and encouragement. It is a tough time to go through in our lives, to be sure, and I'm sorry you're needing to go through this.
My mother passed almost 6 years ago. I was also 52, and she had just turned 87. Somehow, the years leading up to this I thought that maybe since I was no longer a child or even a very young woman that my mother's death would not hit me as hard. As I found out, I was wrong. I decided that no matter our age, or theirs, losing a parent is very difficult.
Mom had a Crohn's attack, just after a bought with the flu. She was so ill, and then contacted C. Diff. and a severe Uti. Suffice it to say she was very ill for several months. I had time to spend with her, and even though we had our times in the past that we disagreed and didn't get along, all those old negative feelings passed as I helped her eat, get cleaned up and just sit with her.
She loved that I would bring her flowers at least once a week. My dad was confused about her sickness because he has dementia, so it was very stressful. Me realizing after a while she would not recover, and he seeming to think this was just a small inconvience and she'd be fine.
I suppose one thing that helped me through after she passed is writing each day something I was grateful for. Something that I was glad that happened the way it did, as odd as that may sound.
I was glad she didn't pass in the ER right away, so I had time with her, I was glad she showed me what a determined person she was, I was grateful for the wonderful, loving nurses she had, for her friends, and on and on. And I talked to people how she could be so funny, so independent, so stubborn!
I hope that you give yourself time to grieve however is best for you, and be patient with yourself. Many of us will see our older parents pass, and we can share with one another, hopefully helping one another. It's not easy, but I hope that encouragement from some of us will help you just a bit in your sorrow.
Many hugs,
Melinda
Melinda, thankyou so much for sharing your memories and all your encouragement. It has been so comforting to everyone's stories and realise that feeling so bereft is normal even though we knew the end must be near.
I am thankful for so many things and will write them down to read through when it feels so hard. Today I am thankful for wonderful family and friends, especially my friends here, who are making the days easier with their help and words. I know the funeral tomorrow will be hard but I hope it really will be a celebration of her life too.
Thankyou so much, Ailsa xx
((Ailsa)) - thinking of you and your family today as you lay your mum to rest.
A time of sadness, yet a reflection on the long life she lived and the love she gave to you and your family.
Hugs,
Bucky
Alisa, I was going to write a message when you first posted, but I couldn't think of a thing to say that would bring comfort to you or ease your pain. I knew how much I hurt when i lost my mother, I didn't know how I could ever move on. She was such an incredible woman and she was my best friend. She had COPD and died when she was only 66. Like others who posted here, I too was blessed to be holding her hand when she passed. She had a bad spell and had been in the hospital for about a week.
I can remember it like it was yesterday. She was doing much better and the doctor said if she kept doing well, she could go home the following day. I remember it was the first sunny spring day of the year. I helped the nurse set up her bed and moved it to the window where she could see all the daffodils, blue sky, and birds. She was so happy. I left her for a few minutes with other family members, and went downstairs to the hospital cafe for a cup of coffee feeling so good that she would be going home.
Sometimes God has other plans, when i returned to her room, the nurse took me aside and told me that it isn't uncommon for people to rally a little before they died, and she had been a hospice nurse, and recognized the signs that she would not live for more than 24 hours. Mom passed comfortably the next day surrounded by her loved ones. There is a huge empty hole in my heart that I know will only be fixed when i see her again.
I read all the posts from the members of this site offering condolances and sharing their own personal stories and offering such comforting advice. Each person has suffered a loss and became stronger because of it, and you will too. We each do it in our own time and in our own way. I have to admit that tears started to fall down my cheeks as I read each post because I could see that these wonderful, incredible people gave you something that is priceless....a special piece of their heart. Please treasure your memories and be uplifted by the kindness shown every day by these earthly angels.
Bucky - thankyou for thinking of us yesterday. It was very special and very sad, but the time afterwards spent with my uncle and cousins was very healing.
Thankyou too Mizzy for sharing your memories even though it was painful to do so. I can't tell you how much it has helped to read everyone's experiences. It made me realise something important too - that we don't have to have the 'answer' or the perfect thing to say. Just showing you understand is a comfort. I know I have learned lots about AI and meds etc on here, but I have also learned so much about caring and upholding others. Thankyou all so much xx Ailsa
harrigan,
Just sending you my thoughts for comfort and healing today. Remember that we are here for you in the days, weeks and months after your mother's passing. The time when we lose our parent is so awful, and then the hurried days when family is around, a service, whether it's a funeral or some other event...then...
sometimes people sort of go their own ways and you are left dealing with your thoughts and grief.
I have no perfect or special answer; just want you to know that I am thinking of you and I'm sure many hugs are sent from many of us here.
May you have some blessing in your life today.
Melinda :)
I was thinking of you today, and thinking back to my mom, and if I could have had one more thing, it would have been my wishing I had been there with her when she died. She died during the wee hours of the morning so even my dad did not know until he got up that morning. Mom was at home in her own bed when she passed on.
Earlier during the night though, my dad said she had got turned around partly off the bed so he got up to turn her back around, and she was trying to say something she wanted him to say to the kids.
I feel she knew something. I just wish I had been able to be there to hold her.
susanep :)
Susan, she may not have been able to leave if you had been holding her, though.
Hugs, Sharon