Well, well, well. I got a call today for an interview for two teaching positions open at our high school. Actually, I had not applied for either of them but did apply for several similar positions way back in the spring. I am sort of still in shock and getting nervous since I agreed to the interview.
I don't even know if I would take the job if offered to me. Many of you know of my quite unbearable marriage, and this could be my ticket out. Having been recently diagnosed with sjogrens and now fibromyalgia and spending time in a psych hospital, this hasn't exactly been a swell summer for me.
I don't even know if I could actually even teach. I have a hard time speaking for long periods with a dry mouth and throat. My fatigue is better due to meds though.. There are sub openings that I applied for, and I was kind of hoping to sub once or twice a week when my girls are in preschool this coming year. That was all I was really prepared to do. I have been doing everything that I can to try to kill my husband with kindness, even though he remains cold and distant. Maybe he is having an affair? But, then I tell myself that he is so weird and unpleasant and quite uncharming and unlikeable that there is NO POSSIBLE WAY that some woman would be attracted to him. I was just desperate, lol.
What if I get a job and divorce and fall flat on my face because of this d@$& sjogrens? What if I can no longer take care of my kids and lose them to their weirdo dad? I worry that I would endlessly be rejected in the dating field because I am "diseased". I have SO many worries.
I would love to be able to walk away. I want to stop feeling like he is in complete control of my life and that I owe him everything. I am powerless in this relationship. He has even more power due to my illnesses. If I was dying of cancer I know in my heart he would not be there for me. He would be the first to pull my plug, in fact, because he does not have any emotional attachment to me, his wife, who is nothing more than a nanny and housekeeper.
Ugh, thanks for listening. I needed a good vent since I am keyed up over this interview. Hugs to all!
I think it is a good thing to go ahead and do the interview. Didn't you say that you have family close by??? I don't know what to tell you, but I can understand your need to make some changes. Do not put yourself down. You are able to do a lot but have been programmed to fail it seems.
Having someone always put you down is not healthy. Maybe you could teach half days. Don't mention the health thing. At least your fatigue is better and that is a big plus. If you need to make a break and live with relatives and do subbing, etc at least you will be able to get back on your feet.
You are not as helpless as you feel. If you get out of Dodge you will probably feel better. The support of relatives would be good to have though. Do a katie and plan ahead.
I am just throwing ideas at you and it is up to you to pick and choose the right thing when the time is right. The more I think about it subbing might give you a chance to build your self confidence and bring in money without tying yourself down too much when life is unstable. I will be praying for you and your girls. Good luck. Irish
P.S. Hope I didn't overwhelm you with all my little ideas. I just am hoping that something works our for you.
I'm with Irish and hope things work out for you too. Lucy
Thanks guys. I am for sure doing the interview. I will think about crossing the divorce bridge if I am offered the job. I just want peace and joy and love in my life.
I agree with Irish.
Not being loved and appreciated, then being taken for granted and offered no help, WILL make you sick and depressed.
Get around positive people. You are living in a gray cell right now with no opportunity for happiness without a big change.
We all must keep fighting the good fight. It sounds like you have a safety net, allow your family to catch you will love...if you need it. But something tells me, once the new and anxious wears off, you my dear, are going to bloom.
What a wonderful bit of what I think is "divine intervention". Receiving the calls for two interviews, out of the blue...what a terrific opportunity for you, Ark mom. It kind of looks like someone has a plan for you. ;)
As you said, just take one hurdle at a time. A job would give you financial security and help immensely with your confidence. It's easier to make major life changes when you have those resources. Might I add that stress (like the stress you are experiencing in your marriage) has a devastating effect on any illness. So if you can lessen your stress I suspect that your health, both mental and physical, will improve immensely.
I know your parents were a big help to you earlier this summer, and I'm sure you will continue to be your support. After all, they've already shown you that they are willing to help.
Best of luck to you, Ark mom. Let us know how your interviews turn out.
Hi!
I agree with Carebear and Irish completely. I think there is more going on here and your prayers are being answered! You can do this and life will be better without such terrible stress!
Hugs and prayers!
Gayle
Just got home from my interview. It went very well. They really liked me! We will see.....
YAAAAHHHOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Your rocking!!!
Gayle
oooooh! I can't wait to hear! Please post when you know more!
I am happy for you. I know this will be hard at first, but I know you will do so much better in the long run.
I'm rooting for you!
Okay, I finally have a minute to update. I was offered a position, a full-time position that I was hoping for; it is full days on Mondays and Wednesdays and a half day on Fridays. It is teaching two science subjects, which seriously is going to be challenging. It would be about 18 hours in the classroom and about 5-10 outside the classroom every week.
I would not have my own classroom, instead, traveling around on a cart to vacant classrooms during teacher prep periods. When he offered it to me, I told him that I wasn't expecting to be offered a job this late in the summer and that I had turned down day care for my girls when their names came up on the wait list. I asked him to give me 24 hours to work on getting day care before I accepted the position.
I called several places this afternoon and will call more in the morning. I cannot afford to have in home care. This really would be a decent way to ease my way back into working. Ugh!
This sounds like a darn good arrangement with the job. Especially the 1/2 days on Friday. By then you will be pooped.
I will keep you in my prayers as you look for day care. I would think that you will find a good one. Around here so many people are out of work that the day care people have more openings than ususal. Good luck. Irish
Hi Ark Mom, just wanted to say well done so far. You have made some progress in your own health issues, refused to let you marriage problems grind you down, looked after your girls AND got yourself a good job. Maybe no-one else in your life is noticing, but we are.
I do understand your apprehension. I trained to teach when my husband walked out and left me with 5 children, oldest 9 and the youngest a baby. On paper it sounds too much, but don't underestimate the empowering you will get from doing a good job in a positive environment and seeing yourself succeed.
Do what you need to make it work. Yes, there will be days it is hard and other days not possible, but most of the time you will do a great job. I made friends for life in the first school I taught at and am still there 12 years on. You don't know how your life will change but taking positive steps to improve your situation is an excellent start. I hope, when the time is right, that you can break free and bring up your girls in a busy, happy home.
Really rooting for you Ark Mom xx Ailsa
Congratulations!!!!
I am looking forward to reading all of your future posts. I know some will be of hard times, but the span of time will show a continual progression of a positive, happy life.
Wonderful, wonderful news. Step 1...Check! moving on to step 2!
Sounds like just what you need right now. I hope you can find reasonable daycare. :)
Winnie :)
Hi Ark Mom, What wonderful news about the employment offer. I feel there was a reason this came your way and hope you accept it. Somehow it will work out. And if it doesn't then you go to Plan B whatever that is. You'll figure it out. You are strong and capable and are making important decisions about a different life and future.
I love the old Helen Reddy song...
I am woman, hear me roar
In numbers too big to ignore
And I know too much to go back an' pretend
'cause I've heard it all before
And I've been down there on the floor
No one's ever gonna keep me down again
Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman
While this was a summer you'd probably prefer to forget, much better days await with new people, new circumstances and exciting challenges. I sure hope it's a future without your current husband. That's my opinion and I'm sticking to it. ;D
Good luck and keep us posted.
I just saw this post, can't believe I missed it!!!! CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! God will take care of the daycare situation. He'll send something your way. I hope you said yes to the job!
I am so excited for you!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D
Be sure to use an electric scooter to get around. You need your energy to teach with, not get from point "a" to point "b".
Congratulations, and take this lifeline that God is sending you.
Can you move in with your parents for a while? Or get a small apartment, just big enough for you and the kids near the school?
Do take care to set up a separate checking or credit union account for this salary -- and get your name off any joint credit cards. But first get your own personal one. I have found that quietly preparing to get out of a bad situation, getting my ducks in a row, really raised my spirits. In the meantime, I played the "cheerful idiot" with the bad guys until I made my move.
Hang in there! You are moving towards happiness, step by step, and God is pushing you along.
Sharon
excellent advice SLCCOM. Excellent.
Ark Mom,
Congratulations on getting the job. You are in my prayers tonight :)
Im so happy for you. Getting a job is the best thing for you and the future of your girls. I hope flares stay away from you or at least dont last for long. Im not ready to go back to work just yet but really hope I can have a productive year and dont flare as much.
Hey girl. Wondered why I hadn't heard from you for awhile. What a lot going on! I'm thinking about you and praying for you. I had to get out of a scary, cold, angry marriage when my son was about 1 1/2. With my dad's help I bought a house, took a job, my new neighbor turned out to be a perfect grandma for the little guy, and I was scared to death. But it all worked out and got easier with time. Just take care of yourself as best you can - be with positive people, rest when you can. One question - do you like teaching? ;)
Well?
I'm anxious to hear how the new job is going?
I'm sure it's a big change and will take a while to get used to the schedule and get over the nerves, but I have a GREAT deal of faith in you.
I'm keeping you in heart and praying for the best for you.
Please tell...
Last week I send her a message she is doing GREAT, her fatigue is almost gone. I'm really happy for her, she deserves a better future for her and the girls.