Things are deteriorating for me. I am more depressed every day. I cry 10-20 times each day. I am so sick of this disease and how crappy I feel every day. I even entertain suicidal thoughts lately, like what I will do if and when life becomes unbearable. My husband, as many of you well know, is not helping things at all.
For some reason he stayed home from work today and slept in until 11 am. I got up, dizzy and sick and in pain, took care of breakfast, diapers, and cleaned up. When he got up finally, he had a fit in the kitchen, yelling at me, "put it back! Put it back! Put it back! Jesus c*****!". All because I left the salt and pepper grinders out on the counter.
I quickly defended myself that I was the one working all morning. I reminded him that my life has been really hard lately and that he was being petty to throw a fit over something like that. He has been zero supportive. All he does is complain about things not being clean and organized. Everything he says is a comment or complaint about how he doesn't approve of something. But he does nothing to help because I "am the housewife, not him". He says I am lazy and all I do is make excuses as to why I cannot do something. It amazes me how he can get so upset over salt and pepper but has never once shown any concern or compassion or worry towards me and my health. Not once.
I told him today that I am going to try to check myself into a mental health facility. I am so horribly depressed. I have lost most of my friends as no one wants a sick friend, I guess. My marriage is terrible, and I am trapped in it because how can I possibly work with all of my symptoms? I can't play tennis anymore, the only thing that makes me feel good about myself. I feel so overwhelmed. I even feel like I don't want to be around my children. I feel like I never want to come home again. I know my husband would be thrilled, but I know my girls need me.
Sorry for the rambling. This had been my worst day yet. I just don't feel like I have the strength to make it through this.
I also called my rheumy and requested a salivary gland biopsy at a specialty clinic (not here) so that if my husband and I divorce that I have proof of my illness. That way I am more likely to receive long-term alimony. I have to get away from him somehow. He is so angry and hateful. It is hurting me and my girls so much. I have applied for teaching jobs but no call-backs.
Hi Ark mom
I am really sorry you are feeling the way you are. I think that seeking help really is the way to go. When we get as low as feeling suicidal it is really important to see a doctor about this. In the UK there is a national phoneline to an organisation called the Samaritans that anyone can phone when feeling like this. Do you have something similar?
You CAN feel better than you do right now but I think you need help to do it.
Take care - Scottie
Honey, please, please, PLEASE get on the web right now and look up your local suicide prevention hotline. You sound like you are red-lining on depression and stress - and I can see why!!!! Somebody need to help you take care of YOU. There are people who are so well-trained to help you through your situation - and will know exactly who you should be in touch with in your area.
If nothing else, simply print out the post you wrote and take it to your doctor FIRST THING TOMORROW MORNING...and please promise us you won't hurt yourself between now and then! There are people who will help you through this and I know it is scary to reach out to them but you will feel better of you do. Yes it will be hard - not as hard as what you are doing now. Just different.
There are others of us who have been through heck too...and you CAN make things better. Know that you have people out here who care what you and your family are going through.
Sending you love....and please, please let us know you have taken action on this!
Please, please do seek help. Even when things seem hopeless, there is always hope. You may not be able to see this at the moment but things can get better.
Let us know what you decide to do.
Sending a big hug your way.
Anna
Dear Ark mom,
Thank you for trusting us enough to share these very dark feelings. I do hope that you seek immediate medical assistance for your depression. Your girls do need you. And things can get better.
I cannot type the words that would describe my opinion of your husband. You do not deserve this. You are worthy because you were born. Please try to believe that.
Keep talking to us, and let us know how things are progressing. We are here for you.
Ark mom, I am so sorry that you are such a bad situation.
If you have a primary care doctor that you have a relationship with, I would suggest that you contact him or her for help in facilitating a mental health eval. This should easier than going to an ER to seek help.
Alternatively, if you are in the US, call 411 for mental health resources in your area. The "operators" are trained to help you find appropriate help.
When you call--no matter who you choose to call-- do not minimize your condition. Be clear in explaining that you are at risk to yourself.
Please do this for your children's sake.
best,
beth
Dear Ark Mom,
I give you much credit for your plan to start feeling better! And you can!
Anyone would feel depressed dealing with serious illness, a husband who sounds abusive, trying to care for children, home, etc. It is overwhelming!
Depending on available facilities, you could consider admission through the ER if your hospital has a psychiatric unit.
My heart goes out to you----please take care of yourself-----your life can and will improve:)
Let us know how you are.
Any chance you can take the children and visit family for a few days...a week? So you can breath and get centered?
Or leave the kids with Dad one night a You go away for two days?
Your children sound very young. Even with a backyard I found it easier to take them to the park in the am to play, pack a lunch....bring them home for nap and there are no toys and mess to clean :) One time it was muddy outside....took the kids to the park with two of their little friends, they had a muddy blast. Go to the car to leave and they looked at me???? No Problem as I shook out large trash bags for each child to jump into so they could sit in the car. Stripe them in the backyard and hosed them down.....house was still clean, ;D See what is in your area. Library reading time for tots and to get you out of the house and meeting other moms.
One of the best things I did was to get a therapist. A therapist can help you think of new ways that will work sucessfully for the new you. And how to talk to husband to learn his needs and fears, has he been stripped of major roles since you are ill...there is a lot to consider.
No judgements. Objective discussion, information on options, and resources. She handles my meds for depression and she has the BEST consistent, comprehensive notes /documentation of my situation. I make sure she has copies of everything. She is a Nurse Practitioner under a Psychiatrist, and teaches college courses. When the medical Drs. said it was psychological, she reviewed the bloodwork and pointed out what had been missed and why the anti-depressant were not working (it was biological).
For myself there was a deep lose of those thing I used to do and the happiness at helping others. I turned to my partner and asked him do you miss me? Without hesitation he answered "yes"...I loved him for his honesty. We just went to a folk concert ...He asked if a date was in order? I had enough time to rest the day before and even our daughter joined us...a very nice family night for all.
I would call your GP for an appt Cymbalta works for depression and inflammation and ask for a name for a therapist.
Let us know how you are feeling. It makes sense that when thing that hurt are out of our control and they seem hopeless we would have dark thoughts. I believe that is normal. What we do with those dark thought is the mastery over illness and the degrees of mastery change,
I totally know what you are going through. I have been there. I have lived that life. *hugs*
Do whatever you need to do to care for yourself. That is the best thing in the world you can do for your kids. If your gut says to get inpatient care then you should. I have and it helped a lot.
Once you are in a better place mentally you will be able to deal with your health and trust me the husband drama will work its way out one way or another.
Please feel free any time to vent. We love you and are on your side.
Hey Ark Mom, Sorry this is so long and I hope I explained myself clearly with my brain fog! Here's some stuff that has worked for me, take what you like and leave the rest.
The enormity of our illness and what it all means can be just as overwhelming for our friends and family as it is for us, or maybe even more so. They too, are cycling through the stages of grief, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. I would bet that deep down inside, your husband is flooded with shame, he knows he's supposed to be helping and he knows he's letting you down. I'm sure he senses your disapproval, too. But there might be a way to help him save face. Help him find a starting point with some task that he finds easy to do. "Honey it would be such a big help to me if you would do the grocery shopping today". Take what he's able to to give, show appreciation and hope that each day his ability to cope will improve.
He obviously can't handle discussing your vulnerabilities, self doubts and emotions or even discuss your illness right now. Keep the emotionally charged stuff to yourself and save it for discussion with your therapist. You can reset the emotional tone of your household. I know that won't be easy to do because you yourself are anxious and depressed. But take baby steps. Be as cheerful and reassuring as you can find the strength to be and pat yourself on the back for small successes. As for how to handle the criticism, google around and search for non-defensive replies to criticism.
Ark mom -
If you are feeling suicidal, please seek help - you can call 1-800-273-TALK (National Suicide Prevention Hotline). Your little girls need their mommy.
Bucky
Ark Mom, I am so sorry to hear of what you are going through. As I am sure is true of many more than you would realize, many have been where you are now.
Still yet, it is you suffering all this for YOUR first time. You are sick, and then add in the depression which especially if it is clinical depression which I have had, and will always have, but controlled with my meds.
Then with your family issues in all this, and you are just set up to be overwhelmed, and who wouldn't be. What you feel is normal in an abnormal situation.
Please do get help for you, because you deserve it. You are special. You want to get well, and laugh again.
We can't make other people change, but we can do something for ourselves, by getting the help we need for however long we need it.
Just keep yourself safe, because then you always have your hope before you and your family.
I like the idea that someone on here posted about printing out what you wrote to everyone here, and take a copy of it to a doctor. It is easier sometimes then having to try and get it all out there.
I prayed for you, and will continue to do so. I can't even tell you how much I understand of what you are going through. I would have to write a book, but I wouldn't want it published.
I am convinced now too that these autoimmune disorders do in fact inflame not only from the neck down, but our brain also is flesh and blood just like everything else. I only say that to say you may need medication for the chemicals in your brain.
Illness can deplete us of certain chemicals in our brains as easily for some as our female hormones can be depleted for many reasons, as with also our thyroids.
I hope I have helped in some small way. I think you touched all of us with your pain dear ark mom.
God Bless you and your family
susanep :)
I'm sorry, I didn't read all the responses, so this may be repeated: 1-800-273-TALK is the National Suicide Prevention Hotline - the counselors are trained in dealing with major depressive disorder and suicidal ideation. Please call them if you feel like harming yourself.
Do you have family that could help to support you right now? Your marriage is not healthy for you - none of us know if it is a marriage worth counseling and trying to salvage, only you can determine that, but PLEASE don't stay in an unhealthy or unsafe enviornment because you feel like you have no options. Your daughters are learning how to be a wife, mother and woman from you - we have to model the kind of woman we want them to become. Conversely, your husband is modeling the way that men treat women - I know there is no way I would want my daughters to think being pushed around (even figuratively) by a man is ok.
Your daughters NEED you. In order to get healthy, you first need to be in a healthy environment. In-patient care is probably not necessary unless it's the only safe place for you. Please keep us posted and let us know how you are doing - I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Ark mom,
I am in Ark, also. I know of great counselors in my area. As being in the ministry for many years here we have found great counsel for many people.
Ozark Guidance Center is a good place to start, as a mental health facility.
Restoration Village in Arkansas is for women and their families in crises. GOOGLE
I cannot add anything to the wonderful counsel of your Sjoggie family here. Many here know and understand your hearts cry.
You are loved and we care.
I am praying. I pray you get strong today and make the necessary steps.
I am going to message you private. I am interested in how close we are in location.
Love, hugs and prayers, kimbo
Ark Mom,
(((BIG SQUEEZY HUGS)))
I hope this morning finds you feeling a bit better than yesterday. I understand where you are mentally. My dh wasn't supportive at first either. Something that helped turn him around was hearing my doctor say "she has two INCURABLE progressive autoimmune diseases that very often will cause her intense pain and exhaustion, so having YOUR support isn't an option. Just having your support will make a big difference in her energy level and make her pain more tolerable." Hearing it from ME was complaining. Hearing it from a top notch medical specialist was like hearing gospel! What if you had him go to a doctor appointment with you so he can hear it from them?
I have also been in the situation of "you're the housewife so all childcare and housework is yours. I'm not lifting a finger". For 10 years all I said was if I could just get a day or two once in a while to relax I could handle the 24/7 intense craziness but he never ever took the kids out without me or just let me do anything without them. If I went out in the garden he'd tell them to go find me... >:(. With you being sick, you need help and downtime more than ever.
I was in a mental hospital when I was preteen and it was NOT restful by any means. But it was helpful. I really think you would benefit from counseling but once a week isn't gonna be enough to make a difference immediately. Maybe if you and your husband could go together to a marriage counselor who specializes in living with long term illness?
Please hear this and let it sink in: If you kill yourself, you will destroy your children's lives. They will think they are worthless because you didn't think they were worth it to live. They will be stuck with your husband who (if he doesn't already) will treat them like he treats you now. I know you don't want that.
If you think you need to go into inpatient therapy, then you do it. Only you know what YOU need.
Great words of wisdom and experience Missy!
I wish you only better days Ark Mom....I pray for you and your darling kids
and I pray that your husband finds his way back to the original vows he spoke
to you and in front of God!
Do what your heart tells you to do and reach out for any assistance available to you.
You will get through this tough time because you want to live for those kids. When things
get this bad they can only get better. We've all had these times when we thought we were losing
it. Take care of yourself first.
We love and support you here and you're not ever alone!
Last year even with a supportive husband I seemed to lose myself. I felt in a state of shock by all the things in my life and felt very dark. I actually asked my husband to lock up our handgun because I didn't want it just sitting in the kitchen drawer. (We have no children).
I went to a counselor right away and regained my focus and inner strength. I understand the dark and it is temporary. All around you ArkMom are people who want to help you regain your independence. Remember how much your kids need you and want to see you get back your happiness. That's worth fighting for.
Oh my, my dear Ark mom, You have received alot of wonderful advice from empathetic and thoughtful people. PLEASE!! PLEASE!! You have alot of options, it is obvious you want help because you reached out to us. You really don't want to hurt yourself. MissyLouWho made a great point, if you killed yourself you would ruin your childrens' lives. I know that thought has kept me grounded several times. You are in my thoughts and prayers as I walk through this day :).
Be kind to yourself, Ceceraven
You have received great feedback. Please, Please get the help you need.
When I realized my health problems could never be cured and this was my new life. I felt some of what you are going through. I got help, thinking I just needed to find a way to cope long enough to finish raising my babies. I can tell you with a great therapist I don't just live for my babies but also my self.
I agree with the poster who suggested you print what you posted here and take it to your primary doctor, so he/she can help you.
(((Hugs)))
Parched
Please read the posts that talk about places you can go with your children. I went through something similar several months ago, only my family was supportive. I was feeling very guilty that their quality of life was being impacted due to my health. The Cymbalta really helped me, but know that it takes a while and it made me feel very sick at first. I'd start on a low dose and then work your way up. I know it feels like it won't/can't get better right now and when people told me that a few months ago I didn't believe them. That was depression talking in my head. Congrats for realizing that you don't have to do this on your own!! When you are depressed, the smalles things (even our beloved children) can hurt. It will get better. You will be better than you are today!! Seek the professional help you need and then come back here any time. Hug your children. They are going through a lot too and react to our illness in weird and wonderful ways!! Reassure them that together things will be better but some things just have to be figured out. You and your kids are a team and your team is going to win this fight!!
One more thing...while you are waiting for longer term antidepressants to kick in, you should also ask your dr. about short term things to take at the same time (something like Ativan) until the other drug kicks in. There are drugs now that deal with both depression and pain symptoms (Cymbalta is one). Best, please keep up posted!
Dear Ark Mom,
Lots of good advice and hope given to you, already. I also am touched by your courage to let us know how despondent you are...and my prayers are with you.
It can get so much better, but I know it's hard to believe when we're in such a place emotionally. Please do what you need for yourself; I hope you've contacted someone already.
And please know that you are never alone, and we care for you!
I also am in Arkansas in the Northeast. If I can be a listening ear, I'm willing. There are people here who support you. Please take care of yourself.
jpd
Dear Ark Mom
We are all thinking of you and hope to hear from you, let us know how things are and if you were able to speak to someone that will give you support.
keep in touch hun, giving you the biggest hug.
x loulou
Hugs and prayers for you!! My worries with checking into a facility is that then you are labeled and you give up all rights. They can do anything they want.
It could also cause you to lose your children.
--
Please go to this site if you are contemplating suicide.
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Are you in crisis? Please call 1-800-273-TALK
Are you feeling desperate, alone or hopeless? Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255), a free, 24-hour hotline available to anyone in suicidal crisis or emotional distress. Your call will be routed to the nearest crisis center to you.
QuoteMy worries with checking into a facility is that then you are labeled and you give up all rights. They can do anything they want.
That's not true - people who voluntarily commit themselves are generally allowed to leave anytime they want; IF they are deemed a significant hazard to themselves, they can be committed by a licensed psychologist or psychiatrist but there are limits to how long a person can be retained (e.g., in my state, it's 72 hours). Given the huge shortage of hospital beds and staff, it's a heck of a lot harder than one might think to even have a person committed if they are suicidal.
A person cannot be treated against their will - a lot has changed in the field of mental health since
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest made mental health hospitals seem like a complete nightmare :)
Ark Mom
All have given you great advice, please take it, for yourself and your children. Just want you to know I feel for you and am
Thinking of you...................
eye2dry
It is hard to get into a hospital for psych treatment. When I was nursing in assisted living I would get called in at night for people who had a sudden unexpected change in their mental status. Trying to get someone in for even a 72 hour hold is impossible.
I would end up calling all over the state and always got the same answer--we are full and have people on the waiting list. I have often wondered where the poor people on the waiting list were spending their time.
Know that going to ER if you are feeling at the end of your rope is the best thing you can do. It will get you some medication and get you into the system or on the route for the care you need. It may not be at the speed you want, but at least you would not be alone.
Also, if a person has a minister/priest who could help it is important to keep him in the loop. Sometimes some of the women in the congregation can share child care and fix some meals in order for you to rest more. As far as the husband who doesn't listen or seem to care, sometimes a man can just have a mean streak. Terrible thing to say, but sometimes having a minister or doctor speak to the hubby helps.
Sometimes the man is scared to death and doesn't have a clue what he should be doing. If the man is of the opinion that the women do the kids, house, laundry, meals, cleaning, etc I think I would find his Momma and give her what for. This is not the dark ages and men need to be able to step up to the plate.
Getting the help you need Arkmom is first and foremost. In the future, the decisions you make at this time will show forth in your children lives and also in your health and happiness. Sometimes a wife has to make hard decisions to keep the take care of herself and the kids. Please know I am praying for you. Irish
Arkmom,
Ive been feeling like that for more than a year now ... My life is a chronic crisis and my mental is not well.
I had to file a complaint for family violence that I suffer since I was a kid, am 37 - bipolar, borderline, sjogrens, fibomyalgia, neurocardiogenic syncope, vulvodynia, and I pull my hair out since I was 9 yers old due to all anxiety provoked by parents and family violence, am single and all illnesses made me take the decision of living with my parents again after I was "independent" for about 8 years. I posted about this back in October .. the legal process is slow but today the lawyer came to take a declaration from my Dad and he denies everything.
They too complain about not leaving things in their place, or if I drop something, even the way my flip flops make noise on the stairs cuz my stiffness and hip leg pain dizziness etc dont make me be a careful person with what shoes I wear or the noise they make .. I have no visits from people becuz my Dad shouts at me and embarrasses them too ... Mom is OCD with cleaning etc..
We have to get out of these situations with people who treat us like this!!
I dont have kids so it must be extra difficult I only wish I had my own kids or wish will have them someday. They are a blessing though and you are lucky!!!
Inbox me any time and I hope you are feeling better :) LOTS OF STRENGHT AND LOVE GOING YOUR WAY!
Virgi
Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reach out to me. I am so grateful. Words cannot convey the tears in my eyes or the warmth in my heart for everyone here. Here, I never feel alone like I do in real life.
My mom came to take the little girls for a while. I met with a therapist today, and I am checking into a mental health clinic for a bit for some help. I will not be on the board for a while, but will hopefully be back soon. Much love to you all.
That sounds like a great plan, Ark mom. I look forward to hearing from you when you return. ;)
Thank you, Ark mom!!!! I am rooting for you and I am SO HAPPY you took action and got some assistance with this...it's too much to carry alone. I will be thinking of you and sending you lots of love and healing and strength. Hope to see you back here when you are ready. ****HUGS****
Arkmom, So glad to hear that you mom came after the girls. Know that all of us are on your side and anxiously awaiting your return. I am so proud of you for admitting that you needed help and taking that step to ask for it. You have done the right thing.
Will be here waiting for your return. Good luck. Prayers are with you. Irish
I am so happy to hear that you are getting the treatment you need! It saved my life too - take care of yourself, and please let us know how you are doing when you get the chance. Sending many (((hugs))).
Hi Arkmom
I am so glad to hear from you. I send you all my love and wish you all the best. look forward to hearing from you when you are able to.
Take care hun,
xloulou
Arkmom,
Posting to let you know we are thinking of you, and send you our best.
Praying every day that you are feeling better and stronger. I'm so glad you were able to be heard and to get some help. We all look forward to hearing from you again when you are able.
Take care,
Genko
Hi Ark mom,
Good luck with the therapist and looking forward to hearing from you.
Take care of yourself -
Patze
God bless you honey. It will get better. You will see. We are all here for you. As long as you are here you have everything to look forward too.
You are in my prayers. When you come back, please let us know how everything is going with you and your family.
susanep :)