I rarely get any social interaction. I live alone. I'm fairly new to this town. And aside from family I rarely socialize with anyone. Sadly, I had a boyfriend for about three weeks not long ago, but that was an abysmal disaster and I was kind of relieved when it ended. LOL Anyway, tonight I decided to go out to dinner and a movie as sort of a date night with myself. Now I should probably explain that I have other health problems than just Sjogrens. I have C-PTSD and a TBI in addition. And they both make going places really darn hard which is the main reason I don't socialize often. But now that I have yet another reason not to feel like going places... I figured I better do something or I was in danger of becoming a total shut in.
Also, for this little tale to make sense you'll need to know I have a wonderful service dog named Molly. I've had Molly for almost 6 years now and she's a jewel. But as I am not a very good disciplinarian some of her training has slipped over time. And ultimately, you can get great service out of a dog but you can't get the dog out of the service dog. So when I say I went to dinner and a movie alone, I actually went with Molly. She just doesn't have to pay, doesn't get to eat, and doesn't talk.... much.
I went to a fairly nice place which is why there was a long wait for the table. I wouldn't have had time for the movie too, so I told them it was okay to seat me on the patio. Sometimes places do that on purpose when you have a service dog but they were actually packed. I don't like to do that because after I got attacked by a stray dog, Molly will bark if she sees another dog. She's not supposed to, but she can't help herself. It was probably more traumatic for her to not be able to protect me that time than it was for me to get bitten over and over. Sure enough someone walked by with a dog and Molly barked. But I have to say, since I'd already told them what would happen, the staff was actually very nice about the whole thing. And as soon as it was gone, Miss Molly went back to normal and I got to eat in peace. Eating alone isn't nearly as much fun as dining with someone else, but I did feel somewhat empowered by getting through the whole thing.
Didn't quite make it through the movie. About 1/3 of the way in, I left. First off, a family came in late in the dark, and naturally didn't realize Molly was with me or why. They sat right in front and as soon as one of the teen girls realized there was a dog behind them... one of them screamed. I understand. She was startled, but it was unnerving for everyone. I don't do well in startle situations either with the PTSD. And once I jump like that... my nerves are shot, I can't concentrate, and I'm lucky if I don't have a full-blown panic attack. A little while later Molly started talking. She does that sometimes. It's the breed. She kind of grumbles. I prefer to think of it as her being opinionated because she's more likely to do it if she's not happy about something. It's usually not that noticeable, but in a movie it was. By this time we'd been out for 2 hours, and now she was in the dark and tired of popcorn. LOL She will sit quietly for hours waiting in a doctor's office but noooo she's talking in the movie. So then .... the teen in front reaches back and pets her. Obviously she meant well and who knows if it was clear why there was a dog in the movie in the dark. There's a reason you aren't supposed to pet them though. LOL It breaks the professionalism barrier and they start acting like pets. So maybe 15 minutes later... Molly who's little face is right next to their heads with the stadium style seats... gives the girl a doggy style wet willie. YES! She licks the girls ear out good. I apologize profusely and realize that I have no idea what is even going on in the movie so I sneak out, slip out the door, and go home. Enough is enough.
So I guess it was a learning experience. She's really a good service dog. But I need to plan better. No sitting where anyone can sit near you without seeing the dog. And no ear access... They always put the handicapped seat so close to the screen I feel like I'm getting a crick in my neck... but next time... one activity not two and handi seats it is.
Oh I forgot to say that I spilled my popcorn which is why Molly had popcorn. Not that it's that important but that probably made her think "Oh this is off duty time" too. :)
Great Story! A friend of mine was blind with a service dog. we would go out to movies. The dog would react to what was on the screen so he would know what was happening during the quite moments of the show.
Great story! You should write a book! Glad you did it! Go out again!
Sorry it didn't work out with your bf. The important thing is though, although the night didn't go quite as well as you hoped it could you made and effort and went out. It's like me and my OCD I get paranoid about eating certain foods incase of contamination so I decided right. I'm going out to the local Chinese and getting a take away. I didn't enjoy it much but the fact is I went and did it, I made a step in the right direction and that's what you've done so well done good job I say.
Joe-- Yeah you'd be surprised how many people don't know service dogs aren't just for blind people. Sometimes, I have trouble seeing, but that's usually a processing issue from panic and the TBI interacting. There's nothing really wrong with my eyes but my ability to process visual information is influenced by half a dozen factors. Miss Molly May pulls me out of the well I fall into sometimes better than Lassie. My brother has a friend starts quoting lassie every time he sees us. "What? Timmy fell down the well? Which way is it Lassie?" Sometimes it's funny and sometimes I just wanna smack him for it. :)
Gayle-- HA HA! I did actually write a book, but not about the service dog. I wrote a short story once about her and getting turned away from the precinct when I tried to vote. For the book, I used a pen name. It's about a vampire in recovery. Because sometimes I feel more like a vampire than a human with my inability to socialize, sleep, or half a dozen other things. I gave him all of my "gifts" some of which are dark and some of which aren't. Anyway that quote that follows my posts is from the book. So far I've only sold 5 copies but hey it's only been a month and apparently I'm a better writer than I am a promoter. :)
Wild Thing-- It is what it is. But I guess I'm better off alone than with someone who wants to be with someone else. Besides, I'm never really alone... Molly is rarely more than 2 feet away. LOL :)
It may not have gone as planned, but you still did it. Good for you! Next time will go even smoother :) Molly sounds like a good dog and a useful companion.
What is different between c-ptsd and regular ptsd? And what is TBI? I am very sorry you went through something so traumatic that it caused you post traumatic stress (((hugs)))
Ashe--I am thrilled you had the moxie to go out by yourself (and your dog). I think this is a BIG step in pushing the envelope. You mentioned you had few friends and are new in town. You stepping foot out into public places is a great experience for you and your puppy. Please do not let this turn into a one time thing and get your grits together and go out to dinner or a movie again. I understand how frightening this could be for you. You have guts. :-* Lucy
Missy Lou Who-- The C in C-PTSD stands for Complex... PTSD can happen from a single incident as simple as a car accident or something much worse. My version is from MST which stands for Military Sexual Trauma. I won't be shocking because it just makes me uncomfortable, but Complex PTSD is PTSD complicated by an inability to escape the situation for period of time and repeated trauma. It's most common in POWs although I am not one. The situation which caused my problems was similar. I'm glad you asked and I don't mind saying this much so please don't feel bad when I say that's really all I want to say about it though. :) I'm sure you can understand. TBI stands for Traumatic Brain Injury. That can cause all kinds of issues too. For me, I can no longer recognize people by their faces-- sometimes even close family members, and most people experience senses in a compartmentalized way. My compartments were destroyed by the head injury and that jumbled up my senses. Now I can hear, smell, feel, taste, or see certain emotional states. It can be really overwhelming and it is often misunderstood. On the positive side, I can taste music and sometimes see it. People tell me all the time they wish they could but positives often come with their negatives. On the negative, it also interacts with the PTSD when I am anxious and really complicates things. :) Sometimes, I cannot process visual information due to it. So it can feel like being blind although technically there is nothing wrong with my eyes at all. The effect can be the same only for me it comes on suddenly, and then I'm really freaked out. Ironic isn't it that a defense mechanism of your mind meant to protect you can cause you to be utterly defenseless when you need your mental faculties the most. :) Kinda makes me wonder who did the engineering on that one and what the heck where they thinking? HA HA!
Lucy-- thanks for kind words. I don't know if anyone has ever said I had moxie before but I like it.
And to everyone--- thanks for the encouragement. I enrolled in school today and it was like an olympic event for me. But I'm glad I did it and when I finish my student orientation tomorrow I think I will be done with the prerequisites until fall. YAY! GG
I am so sorry for everything you went through and completely understand not wanting to talk about it. Many hugs, prayers, positive thoughts and strength to you! I hope you heal at least a little bit more every day :).
So you have synesthesia?? That is SO COOL 8)!!! To be able to see words, letters and number in color, taste and see music, taste letters and stuff where your senses cross is so interesting to me. I hate that it came with negatives for you though :(.
Lucy is right, you do have moxie! It takes a lot to make yourself get up and do something that is so difficult, but you did it. You made yourself do it, even though it didn't go as planned and you still looked at it as a success. That's awesome!
Funny, I never think of synesthesia as a condition...I apparently was born with sound ->colour syn. but it was reduced in effect following a parietal stroke. I have also experienced spatial sequence syn at times, usually when I have a fever. I always considered both of these as perfectly natural LOL.
When watching some of the forensic dramas on TV, I often wonder if any of the writers or directors have spatial sequencing, because the scenes where they show one of the CSIs or profilers looking at pages of words or numbers, and the characters from the pages dance around to reveal the hidden clues are remarkably like the spatial sequencing I experience.
Miss Lou Who-- Well it doesn't work the same for everyone I guess. Mine seems to be limited to emotional responses. It used to confuse me when people talked about letters and words having colors, but I do feel textures in them. For example: When I am looking for the precise adjective to go with a particular noun it translates into some sort of weird yearning--- that's in some sort of Pavlovian effect for the POP that happens when I succeed. It's more delicious than mental bubble wrap and far more addictive. But there is no color involved in that aspect for me. On the other hand I did a mini experiment recently on Youtube listening to every rendition of the jazz song Summertime I could get my hands on.... every single one is different which is why I have never actually understood them questioning me about the notes having color. There is color but again it's provoked by the emotions... more than the musical notes. Ex: I was writing my vampire novel and included it as a vampire super power... LOL
Excerpt << George Gershwin?s aria Summertime- from the 1935 opera Porgy and Bess is one of my favorites. Pick your favorite rendition by your favorite singer. There?s a reason that it quickly became a jazz standard performed by as many different artists as there are stars in the sky. I find there?s a version for nearly every thrill I want to experience.
Louis Armstrong and Ella Fitzgerald created an orange and lime colored crisp clean verbose interpretation. Billy Holiday also recorded with Louis Armstrong. That one has more ragtime beat to it indicative of the sounds of a Depression Era speakeasy. Her voice fills my chest with a burgundy velvet-like texture if the pile of it could be four inches thick. Think of a shag carpet made out of plumes of warm, wet hair.
I prefer Janis Joplin when I want it served up a little muddier like a dirty martini, and her style has the same yellow-green cloudy haze. For some reason, I can?t hear her throaty voice without the overwhelming aroma of magnolias wafting by. The Zombies rendering is decidedly more upbeat. It?s like the ripples of skipping stones across my gut.
Peter Gabriel?s soulful deep lavender-blue edition is possibly the most mournful, but that fits me well when I consider the faint bitterness of apricot kernels that accompany it. I?d be hard pressed to choose between Charlie Parker, Miles Davis, or John Coltrane, but you know I tend to favor Johns. I even like the Sublime adaptation.>>
For me music and art HAPPEN to me. I don't get to look at them from a distance. But that also means the weird vibe you get when someone is about to have an argument also HAPPENS to me even if I'm just across the restaurant trying to eat in peace.
Linda--- I hear ya. Don't know if I was "born" this way, but I clearly experienced it as a child. People just thought I had a wild imagination. Then as I grew up it faded. By the time I was in high school I was mostly remembering what it was like to have it when I was younger because it seemed to be gone. I guess the brain develops. They say all babies are synthetics and I think cats are too. LMAO... which is probably why I like cats so much. Although we are obviously operating on different visual planes since I can't see the invisible bugs they chase and they can't see what I see when music curls around in the air.
However, all of that came back full force when I had the head injury and more vivid than before. I still think the emotional nature of the injury/attack is why the results tend to stay in the emotional centers of my experience. Meeting people I don't know can be really overwhelming. Not all of the experiences are positive and some that sound negative are actually positive. It's hard to explain but you can't use a book on dream interpretation to explain it. I've tried. It's like my brain has its own index and no one else has the notes. Concrete is a good feel-- solid and cool to the touch. I told a friend that and he was insulted. I still don't understand why. I felt very safe around him. At least until then. I try not to tell people anymore. I don't know how they will react. I used to know this woman I had to associate with who felt like a wool sweater being shoved violently down your throat. It was very claustrophobic to be in the same room with her. Now the funny thing is... I noticed everyone backed away when she walked up... not just me... but most of them just said she had an abrasive personality. LOL Ironic that I could actually feel scraped up and itchy in her proximity. I don't want to focus on the negative. Positive people are just as shiny and bright as negative ones are dark. It does help me choose my friends wisely. HA HA!
I've just had to learn to trust how I feel even if I don't know why I feel that way. Ignoring it only makes me more confused and uncomfortable. Is that how it is for you? I don't get to talk to many other synthetics. But from what my doctor tells me my experience is not exactly text book because of reacquiring after the injury. He said losing it is somewhat common. Getting it back magnified is unusual. He thinks my brain had to rewire to work after the injury and went back into a more childlike phase. If so it's stuck that way now. GG