I have tried so hard to not let my kids and grandkids see me sick. The grandkids know Mimi doesn't always come to their house when Grandaddy does, and that Mimi is tired a lot and can't handle company for more than a couple of hours. The grown kids know there's something wrong, that autoimmune thing, but they don't really know what it is. And I don't tell them because I don't want them to worry about me or hesitate about coming to visit, you know?
But this past weekend my step-daughter and her husband and their two-year-old were stopping for a quick visit on their way from Indiana to Florida. We're a great half-way point and I'm so happy when they come to visit. They were just going to come for Saturday night and Sunday morning, leaving right after church.
I knew when I woke up that it was going to be a bad day and I normally would've played hookey from church and had a sleeping day, but they were only staying until after lunch and I thought I could make it.
Wrong. Very wrong.
The church we go to is tiny and very friendly. It's a historic church in a small town that's made of hand-hewn stone and it's very cold inside when it's cool outside and very hot inside when it's warm.
Of course everyone wanted to hold the little one and comment on her gorgeous red hair. The church was the damp cold of stone and I didn't bring a wrap. The music was loud and the woman sitting in front of me had a strong cologne on. A member of the congregation who recently went through cancer treatment announced that they'd found another mass and she was having exploratory surgery on Monday.
I was emotional about not seeing the kids again until they visit for a week for my b'day in July. Plus I was thinking of the friend with cancer and had that horrible flu feeling and I just lost it on the way home in the car. I just sat there with the tears running down my cheeks and I couldn't stop. I was mortified which made me cry even more.
(Those who know me know that I'm a big crybaby --- my mother always told me my bladder was too close to my eyeballs! ::) )
When we got home I went right to the sofa and fell dead asleep for an hour or so until they woke me to say goodbye. I could see pity in my step-daughter's eyes.
Now I'm afraid that she'll think twice before coming home for a visit.
I feel so ashamed and so inadequate.
hello,
I am sure that the 'pity' you saw in her eyes was concern and love! It is okay for them to know and 'see' us as we are. We are still lovable and capable and great moms and grand-moms. Maybe this will encourage more visits that are easy on you (tell her you need this!) and more communication. It is a good thing! I keep a coat, sweater, socks and a blanket in my car. I live in the south but airconditioning is a problem for me. You might try that too. I use those big zippered plastic bags to keep them clean while in my trunk. :) I love your mother's comment of the bladder being too close to the eyes! That is a classic! HUGS!!! Your are okay! Just like you are!
Awww...poor dear! I can so relate to your story. Between menopause and my autoimmune probs my emotions are easily thrown off kilter. I remember going into the wrong drive once - thinking I was going into the drive at Taco Bell - but I actually went into an adjacent strip center. I burst into tears. My teenage kids looked at me like OMG - Mom has really lost it! Now - we laugh about it - but what can I say - a "crazy" Mom keeps life interesting! : ) Don't beat yourself up. You are just human. You have a right to be emotional. Have a great week. {{Hugs}}
Oh Abbey! (((BIG HUGS))). Don't be ashamed, you are NOT inadequate in any way, shape or form. You are a source of strength, warmth, knowledge and inspiration for us here. I know with you being so strong and capable, it's hard to let others see you vulnerable like that. It was a bad day, but even those without AI diseases have them too, thank goodness! So I am sure they understand.
I don't think they will rethink a visit with you. If anything, they might try to visit more. But I won't lie, they care for you and they WILL worry about you. Heck girl, we all do! :) :) Just assure them that it wasn't a normal day for you and you are still the same Mimi as you always have been and it was just a rough day. Maybe a tiny explanation about that's the fun of autoimmune stuff, you never know what surprises the day will have in store for you, but thankfully days like that are few and far between. Brush it off and compare it to waking up on the wrong side of the bed.
I would call them and talk about it if you think they are worried.
I am so sorry you had such a rough weekend :( My family (mom, dad and brothers) and my kids (ages 5 and 2) see me sick all the time, and yes my husband and parents/brothers worry, and sometimes they encourage me to slow down and rest, but knowing that I'm sick hasn't changed much for them. We still plan things together, and they might treat me a little differently when they can see I've reached my limit, but I appreciate their concern and support... and honestly, with two young kids, I often need it!
The hardest part though is my kids knowing something isn't right - when they play dolls, the mom is often in bed "resting" or having to go to the doctor because she's sick. That's so heartbreaking. But it's also my life, and all I can do is the best with the cards I've been dealt. It's not the way I wanted my 30s to pan out (and the rest of my life), but I can't change it. I'm working on keeping this in mind, anyway ;)
I think when it comes to our families, they will love us no matter what - so sometimes just being honest about our limitations will help them understand and letting them know how much you value time with them will let them know how welcome they are to come back!
P.S., I know this is a difficult time for you, but the "bladder being too close to the eyeballs" comment was so funny!
Abbey,
You had no more control over your sickness than if you had started vomiting with a stomach bug. (In that case, you wouldn't feel ashamed, just sad that you missed out on the kids' visit.) Call them to assure them that you feel better now, and that you feel cheated because you were comatose during part of their visit. Stop feeling embarrassed about it; you couldn't help getting sick!
It's hard to know when to listen to our bodies and when we can keep pushing on. You took a chance (as we all do) and ran out of fuel. I'm so sorry!
I'm glad that your stepdaughter is compassionate. I know that all of you will be laughing about the weekend some day in the future.
Hold your head high, and have a much better day today. :)
Big hugs,
Cheryl
Thanks to all my good friends on this board, I just knew you would all understand! I thank you all so much! :D I needed all your kind words and wisdom.
I do so hope the kids don't limit their visits or cut them short. Now that she's seen me down for the count, though, I'm hoping she'll understand when I beg off driving to Indiana with G'daddy, no hurt feelings.
It's just so hard when we have to tell our kids "no" or anything that resembles "no" isn't it?
A66ey,
I must agree with everyone here. :) You needn't feel ashamed or embarrassed about having "one of those days" while your family visited. As Cheryl said, it's hard to know how much we can handle sometimes and sometimes we run out of fuel. We don't like it, but it happens.
Your step-daughter may have seen you more vunerable, but not with pity; maybe she understands more now. My grown children know I have good days and not-so-good, although I rarely give details. My daughter has seen a couple of my not-so-good days and I think it helps her understand, but not pity me.
I don't think your step-daughter and husband will see you any differently than the great mom and mimi that you always have been! ;)
I also hope today is better for you.
Melinda
just a side note... they too will have times when they don't feel up to par... you would not judge them either... you are perfect like you are, as are they!
A66ey,
I'm so glad you got an extra visit.
Please don't feel ashamed or inadequate. I used to feel this way during my worst year long flare from H'//. I've learned that it is ok for others to see us when we are down & I'm sure they just wished they could make you feel better. I'm glad you are loved that much, you deserve it!!!
Hugs, Carie
Dear A66eyroad:
Oh my goodness A66ey, I don't think you were inadequate at all. Quite the opposite in fact. Your compassion for a friend and a fellow human being struggling with her cancer is a wonderfully touching and fine example to set for your grandaughter and all of your family as a matter of fact. In a better world, each of us would strive to care as much for others as we do for ourselves.
As to your collapsing on the sofa out of exhaustion, my dear dear A66ey, you gave ALL you had to give and then your body demanded rest. It is good also to let others know that you have limits too. Being ill is not the same as being lazy and having limits only means that you are human.
I think you are far more precious to your family than perhaps you fully knew before and they are worried for you. My suggestion would be to let them know that you have good days and not so good days but that you treasure all the time you can spend with them and they are always welcome in your home and in your heart.
Daisy
Abbey, I haven't known you very long but I can already tell that you are a very genuine and compassionate person. When your kids and grandkids see you sick, they still see you. That must deepen their appreciation of you, especially when they see that you want to be with them and that you're thinking of others in the midst of your own struggles.
You did what you could do,,, and maybe its good they saw you at one of your worst times, now they know, they know that you are sick, and its not your fault, when my boys come home, I try to keep a good face on,, but i have overheard them telling my wife,, dads looking worse, what is going on, I just go outside, find a place to sob and let it go,, but you again,,did what you could do, the world could take a lesson from you