A very interesting comment/question came up on one of my other forums. Thought I'd post it here and see what comes up.
Michael asks: "I've often thought about your quote from the Buddha on 'holding on to anger'. It's an emotion that's been troublesome for me throughout 2011. Do you - or anyone else on this page - have any thoughts on how to let go of anger, especially when it's a response to being hurt (in the past or present)? I gather that acceptance of the emotion is part of it - a difficult enough first step - but what then? Are there any good books looking at anger from a Buddhist perspective? Not a very seasonal topic, I know! Wishing you all a very happy holiday - Michael"
My own question is how do you deal with anger? Anger at the disease? Anger at friends and family who seemingly don't understand and/or dont care? Anger at doctors who either don't doctor or don't care?
As far as with dealing with other people: some people are so negative, etc. that you have to limit your exposure to them. Least until you can deal with them emotionally - if you ever can. If you can just laugh at their ideosynchrosities. The same person who would take your last dollar might bring you chicken soup when you are sick. People are just weird in general. ;D :D
Myself, there are times when my head/brain says everything is fine and my body says to heck with that I am upset. They generally listen to each other but not 100% of the time. ::)
Anger, ahhhh, such a necessary emotion. Anger is not all bad as it helps us to make changes in our thoughts, deeds and general living.
The problem with anger is that it eats us alive. I am going through some anger issues lately and I pray a lot for strength to overcome my anger and also the ability to accept the situations that instigate my anger. We can't always control what causes our anger or the fact that we get angry, but we can control how much we hold on to our anger and allow it to control our thoughts and soul.
When we keep anger in our soul is tarnishes our life and the lives of those we interact with. I do believe that many times people can identify anger in others. Anger comes out as lack of gratitude, bitterness, inability to love or be loved, the ability to give to others, not to mention many other negative personality traits. Happiness is probably more a lack of anger than a possession of many material things.
Just my rambling cause I know just where you are coming from. It is a hard thing to overcome but joy does come with lack of anger. Good luck, Irish ;D
I think everyone has to deal with anger at some point in our lives. We all react differently and some are slow to anger which is what we are supposed to be.
Sometimes it is best to put distance between anyone who is hard to get along with.
wow. That is a good subject and it brings up a lot of old memories. Thank goodness, I'm older and a whole lot wiser.
Let it go. Walk a way. Take a walk. Go get some ice cream and in the words of Joe "breathe". Relax.
As irish states, anger is a necessary emotion. I think it can be used for good when we need to spur ourselves on to help ourselves or to stand up for what we believe is right in the world.
Of course, your question about anger and past or present emotional pain that we feel is a bit tougher challenge. I guess as mentioned, the first step is realizing we are angry. I believe many times if we are angry, actually it's because we may have hurt feelings.
I've done a lot of "soul-searching" in regard to this the last few years. Irish, you wise lady; you put it so well. "When we keep anger in our soul it tarnishes our life and the lives of those we interact with." How perfectly said!
Releasing the anger has been hard for me. One person was my ex-husband. I was angry and bitter about him for many years. I finally realized that my feelings were not hurting him one bit! He didn't know about it, didn't care about it, and my bitterness only affected me and those around me. It took realizing that to let me see that he's not the ogre I pictured him as. It was a long time ago, it was over, and I needed to let it go.
The "real biggie" was my Mother. I hope I don't bore everyone to tears. She never really listened, which made you feel as if she didn't care. Over and over as I got older and had a life crisis, she would give a short "well, keep your chin up" answer. Losing my house to foreclosure? "Keep your chin up." My FIL dying in front of me...same answer.
When she became very ill, I decided that I needed to help her and my Dad, but it wasn't because I really wanted to. It was because she was my mother, it was the right thing to do, and I was the only child living close by. Callous of me, I know.
As the months went by, as I cared for her and sat with her, my heart softened. She was grateful for my help and actually told me often. I also knew I had to forgive before she died. I could not carry this anger with me. But how to let go of all this from 50 years?
I began to realize I may have hurt her, too. I hadn't been there for her because I was angry. Finally, one day I asked HER to forgive ME. She cried, I cried and she said she loved me. It was life-changing for me and all the anger left me entirely. I was able to admire her for what she had been capable of and accept her for who she was. I could also truly love her and savor our last days.
The week she died, she hadn't responded to anyone for 3 days. The next day, she opened her eyes, looked at me and said, I love you, and she was gone that evening.
That was 4 years ago. I learned to let go of hurt in all instances in my life. My husband says I'm a changed person. Now I speak up and am more open with people; I don't wish to finally sort out things with anyone in their (or my) last days on earth as I did with her.
I release anger as well as other emotions I don't want through EFT, emotional freedome technique (tapping).
I thought it was all hooey until my pysch. started teaching me it & it helped so much!!
Carie
Meld...POWERFUL!!
Nara,
It was powerful for me! I worked on how to forgive my Mom for years. It was so hard! Everytime I'd think I could, it seemed she'd do something else to hurt me. Dang it!
I asked my husband years ago if he thought my anger with her affected me in other parts of my life. His answer was "well, ye-ah!" :-[
I just wish I'd forgiven so much sooner.
Meld, Thank you for sharing such a personal story.
Meld, What a powerful Christmas Eve true life experience. It raised goosebumps on my arms. What a joyous thing to have done what you needed to do so that you and your mother could be free. WOW!! THank you so much for sharing. Irish ;D
Aussiemom and Irish,
Thank you. This was one of the most powerful things in my life, and it lifted a burden from me I'd carried for many years. Forgiving can be very difficult. I'm not sure how I was finally able to do it, except possibly it was "divine intervention." ;)
Meld,
Thank you so much for sharing your experience with your relationship with your mother and the healing you both found before it was too late to share those special words and emotions with each other.
That special love you rekindled will no doubt touch the many other hearts who read this powerful story and may also help them to find a way forward in the difficult situations that they find themselves.
Just think, your love was so much stonger than anger or bitterness and now the umbrella of the healing you had with your Mom is extended to others. What a incredible legacy!!!!!!!!
Daisy
My husband is a buddhist.... and I have anger issues LOL It's actually a good combo. cause he is a very good reminder of how to let my anger go. Being buddhist his biggest thing is "If you can not change it then try and accept it, If you can change it then change it" But, holding onto anger can make for a very "ugly" person. Everyone gets angry, even my husband does. It's more so how long you hang onto your anger is what causes problems.
As for Dr's. Ughhh been my rounds with them and of course they made me angry. So, could I change the situation? Yes... I found a new one :) Family and friends... I don't care if they understand or not. They can ask questions, and if their ignorant to me like my mother then I just do not deal with these people. It hasn't been an easy choice but it's been for the better for myself and my sanity. As for anger at the disease.... as with any disease you must try and accept it the best you can really. I always try and remind myself that things could always be worse. At least when I feel ok I am still able to go see my Grandson and my kids. Being religious I also feel God must have given me this mess cause he knew I could handle it better then someone else. Blah maybe not true but it helps a bit lol
Nara,
We are not in control of many aspects of our lives. Invariably, it is during a time when you are not in control that you will be able to trace back deeply seated anger, whether it is to childhood or a failed relationship.
I have found that anger can be a motivating force, and for some, it is what paves the road to survival in order to escape a bad situation. But then there will be the day when you are out free and clear, and the anger then only serves to hurt yourself. It won't help you any more, and it certainly never hurts the person it is directed at.
So you have to have an adult talk with yourself. You get to be in control of how your life is going to go from now on. Do you want to spend it angry? Because if you do not learn to lessen the anger, then you will still be under the control of something that happened long ago.
I learned to let go of anger when I had children of my own, because it was easier for me to want to give to my children a mother who was happy and loving, not angry and bitter, then it was for me to want my own life to be spent in a good place.
I went for many years barely speaking to my family because deep wounds were opened so savagely that they never had time to heal. After years of distancing myself, I can now spend an afternoon or two with family members without my old feelings of hurt being pulled back out of the closet. When family members do act out, I realize that I have grown so much more in my life then they have, and that they are the ones trapped in that place. I just look at them like they are crazy now, and say my goodbyes, and travel on to my next destination. Oh, and I always plan something fun after a visit so that it gives me a jump start back out of the fire.
I used to even get upset with bad drivers, not real road rage, but I have been known to say a thing or two about a bad driver. Now, if someone cuts me off, I remember that no one was hurt, and I have car insurance, and say to myself, "Oh my, look at that bad driver!" Two seconds later they are out of my thoughts and out of my day.
I hope that you can get to this place. It took me years, with many tears, and much deep thought, but don't give up. You can get there too if YOU want to.
Good luck
Meld, you are a remarkable person and such a great friend to share this special story. Every day you amaze me.
Thank you for your kind words, Daisy. ;) Yes, our love was stronger than any anger, and it won out!
A66ey,
I don't think I'm remarkable at all; I'm just like everyone else who's had pain and neglect in their lives. I just hope that my story might be able to help someone else struggling with bitterness and how to forgive.
Meld
Thank you for sharing your story with us. It brought me to tears!
You are truly a remarkable woman, wise and loving! I learn so much from your posts.
May everyone here have a Blessed New Year, may we laugh together, share our life experiences, our pain and trails and may we be a blessing to each other!
Happy New Year! :). Cricket
Cricket,
I'll join you in wishing everyone here a blessed New Year!
What a great way to put it; may be laugh and cry together, support and encourage one another and give and receive love.
Melinda