I went to my first meeting today on my lunch hour. I didn't say anything because I was on the verge of crying because I was so tired from my husband and I fighting all night. I couldn't cry and then go back to work. Women know what I mean. ;)
Anyway, when I first got there I thought...this is weird, I don't think I really need this, what am I going to learn from what they are reading. But then each person read a paragraph out of this book (they are going through the entire book) and then talked about how it related to them or any thoughts that came to mind. The chapter was about death of an alcoholic. I thought...mines not dead, what a waste of time this will be for me, but then they went on to talk about the "Death" of other things when you are in a relationship with an alcoholic. Like the death of the dream marriage you thought you'd have, death of the endless cycle of checking on them, etc. There were so many stories shared that make me go "Ah hah". After work I parked in an empty parking lot to read all the material they gave me. So much of it made me realize I've been handling it all wrong. And that his problem has been becoming my problem. I'm learning so much.
He used to have a horrible temper. His son won't even talk to him. This was before he started drinking again. We had counseling and his anger is SOOOO much much better. I see where so many parts of Al-anon could be used in other situations like living with a rage-aholic.
I think there is another meeting tomorrow night. I just may show up there too!! I feel like i have some hope and tools to deal with this. This is the second time we've been married to each other and I really feel like we are to be together BUT there are some things I draw the line on. We'll see how this plays out.
Oh...THANK YOU ALL FOR LISTENING. I LOVE YOU ALL!
Hi Jozee,
I think Al-anon is great. I went to at least 90 meetings in 90 days, probably more. I was going twice a day sometimes. They always say to go to at least 6-7 meetings before you make up your mind about it. The learning there is "experiential", meaning it's not something that can be described and explained to you, it's something that you soak in and feel and experience over time. A good Alanon group is priceless, I think.
My husband relapsed into alcoholism and left me as he did not want to live with a chronic invalid. I was devastated, and Al-anon really helped me get through it. I'm still going back and forth between grieving the loss of my health (and life), and the loss of my life partner as well. But I think I'm through the worst of it, and Alanon really helped with that.
I wish you luck on your journey.
(((Jozee))) I an so glad that you went. 90 meetings in 90 days is good. What helped dad was 90 meetings in 30 days. He went to 3 to 5 meetings per day for a month. I hope that you find a great group.
Jozee,
I am so glad you went to the meeting! ;) You've taken a huge first step to take care of YOU.
We get so caught up in our loved one's issues, we sometimes forget that it's their issues, not ours. We aren't responsible for what they do, or don't do. It takes time to "un-learn" what we've done for years.
My continued thoughts and prayers are sent your way. All your friends here are supporting you all the way. Keep us posted.
Take care,
Melinda
Jozee, you are so brave! How wonderful to read that you're taking the time to be kind to yourself! Peace and blessings to you, my friend!
Hi Jozee!
Good for you! So glad that you went to a meeting and seemed to fit in. I was an active Al-anon member for many many years...and I feel that it has helped me cope with not only active and recovering alcoholics in my life but also with life in general as you said. I don't actively go to meetings right now but I still practice the program and steps every day. I use the program in everyday life at work and at home. It has been a life saver for me!
Many people think we all just go there and complain about the people who are drinking in our lives like a bunch of old biddies...but the program isn't that at all...it's about understanding that alcoholism is a disease and how to begin to take care of ourselves in all of this! We learn to make up our boundaries in life and try to stick by them...we learn how alcoholism can affect so many people who love someone who is actively drinking or even in recovery...and the biggest gift I received from the program is to learn to forgive myself for some of the crazy things I did when I got sucked into the whirlwind of addiction...and I was the sober one!
Ok...I better get off my soapbox now...but it's something I feel very passionate about...good luck to you and attend all of the meetings you can if you feel comfortable doing that!
That is so true....I thought that it would be a bunch of old ladies complaining about their husbands. In fact, I had hoped it was because there was some things I wanted to harp about. I wanted them to tell me what to do. The first thing they said was "We do not tell you what to do" we help you cope and take care of yourself. Bummer, I wanted to bitch about him :)
I am so glad it wasn't what I thought. The way they help is amazing!!
Jozee - I'm glad you have taken this step to attend the Al-anon meetings and you find it helpful to you. Continued best wishes as you deal with this situation in your life.
Lynnmarie - I'm glad you have found these Al-anon meetings so helpful to you in the past. It sounds like they have helped equip you with lifelong information that impacts all aspects of your life.
Bucky
GOOD FOR YOU,, GO FOR IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jozee,
I'm so glad the Al-Anon meetings have been helpful to you. There are ideas and principles you can put toward almost any situation. I, like lynnmarie219, have used those ideas in different ways.
I suppose one thing that really struck me is that I have no control over other people or what they do, and sometimes it has nothing to do with addictions. Such as, I used to stress about our daughter continuing her education; I can talk to her about it, but she will do what she wants. If she never goes back, it's not my fault and I shouldn't worry.
And lynnmarie, you just hop up on that soapbox anytime you like! You bring up some great points.
Take care,
Melinda
Quote from: Jozee on July 22, 2011, 10:51:37 PM
I wanted them to tell me what to do. The first thing they said was "We do not tell you what to do" we help you cope and take care of yourself.
Jozee,
I think all of us go in there wanting to get the "magic answer". I know I did and when they told me "we do not tell you what to do"...I was like.....oh come on...then what I am going to get out of coming to meetings and reading topics and talking about that? Well as I said...I learned A LOT...and you understand things in a new light by listening to others. I found myself shaking my head in agreement and thinking...yup I understand that...or I can relate to that more and more as I listened, shared, and learned!
Meld,
You are absolutely correct in saying that we learn that we have no control over others (or their situations) even if it doesn't have anything to do with drinking or addiction. I even use the steps in dealing with my sjogrens and other medical issues. It may sound funny to say that but learning what is under our control (and doing something about it) and what is not can be very difficult.
(Stepping down one more time from my soapbox...lol).
Jozee,
Hope you've been able to take in another meeting, or plan to (?) ;) Keep on taking care of yourself, lady.
Blessings,
Melinda
One of the best options is 90 meetings in 90 days. Please keep going.
Oh, I am still going. I'm able to make one meeting a week. There aren't a lot of meetings in my area but one on my lunch break works super. I love everything about it.
I'm so glad to hear it, Jozee, and it's so great you're loving it. :) Good for you!
I hope you found a sponsor that you can talk to.