I know this is off topic, but I hope no one will mind terribly if I give an update. Some of you may remember that I moved to Michigan on Oct. 30 to join my husband and became the caregiver to my 85-year-old, legally blind mother. Dad was living in a skilled care facility back home, but on Dec. 20 we had him transported to a facility up here to be near us.
Dad passed away two weeks later on Jan. 1st. I won't grieve too heavily for an 89-year-old Christian man who led a good life, raised a growing family and went quickly in his sleep. He hadn't been himself since a stroke this fall and I know he wouldn't have been happy about his quality of life towards the end. But...I still miss him.
This may sound stupid (where else can you unload your fears and stupidity where your family can't hear ;)) but I almost feel like Michigan is jinxed for me. I keep looking for the silver lining, counting my blessings, being thankful in all things, and trying to look on the good side (and all those other sunny cliches') but I'm about ready to shout, "Enough already!"
My mom requires much more care than I anticipated and, while capable of the work, it depresses me. Even when my own kids were young I worked outside the home, so becoming a stay-at-home "mom" for my mom is dull (pssst! Plus, she sort of drives me nuts). I fell down the stairs a month ago, tearing ligaments, and will be in a cast for another month. Meanwhile, the cast makes it impossible to drive, so I can't even "run away from home" unless my husband chauffeurs me. How can you make new friends when you can't even leave the house? It's very lonely.
The bad luck continues... Our son dropped out of college and went back home to work a minimum-wage job as a cook. He is saving his money to become a professional wrestler. Like Hulk Hogan. No, that isn't a joke. Two of our three vehicles won't start. Our dog bit the neighbor. The water pipes froze and broke in our still-unsold house back in Indiana. After losing 42 pounds, I am on my way to packing them back on. It snows ever freakin' day up here. Dad died. And last, but not least, my second attempt at taking Plaquenil seems to be bringing on the same horrible side effects as before.
There has been good too -- it just seems less "showy" and easily overshadowed by the bad luck. I'm living with my husband again after two years apart. Giving up my full time paycheck hasn't ruined us as badly as we feared. Our children all came up for a snowy, yet heart-warming, Christmas. I saw my brothers for the first time in three years at dad's funeral. Facebook helps stave off the loneliness. I've taught myself to crochet out of sheer boredom (and should have enough scarves to outfit an army by spring).
So, I will keep counting my blessings, rub my rabbit's foot to ward off the jinx, and hope that life takes an upward swing pretty soon. Thanks for letting me vent a bit.
Now, back to our regularly planned programming...
Deb
I am sorry for your loss. I lost both parents in a 5 month time frame, my dad was the last to go and I cared for him at home. It has been 1 1/2 yrs. and I still miss him like crazy, I think I always will.
I hope your silver linings will start to shine more for you. Sending you hugs and prayers.
Cricket
Aw Deb, you have my sympathy.
Hi Deb,
I am so sorry for your loss. My Dad passed away a few weeks ago as well, and I sure do miss that little old man.
You are definitely due for some relief, Deb. I hope for your sake it comes very soon. My wish for you is that the snow will melt, the flowers will return, and Michigan will feel like home.
Thanks for sharing.
Quote from: deeindiana on January 17, 2011, 08:43:46 AM
This may sound stupid (where else can you unload your fears and stupidity where your family can't hear ;)) but I almost feel like Michigan is jinxed for me.
That doesn't sound stupid at all.
I feel the same way about praying now.
I always get WORSE when I pray.
So I stopped praying.
I WANT to pray .. but every time I do something horrid goes wrong.
I swear I'm cursed. Seriously.
Awwww honey!!! I am sending you a milliong hugs and :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
Just know you are in my thoughts....sending ya good vibes~~~~~~ ;D
Sha
Hi Deb,
So sorry to hear of your Dad's passing and the difficulI adjustment to Michigan. When you said Michigan I knew exactly what you were going to say about the snow and gloom that settles over the state this time of year. I've lived here my whole life. It does get better once spring rolls around. If there is anything I can do to ease your transition let me know. Maybe we're close enough to swap crochet patterns :)
Deb:
You are in my thoughts and prayers! I lost my dad, too, in 2004. We do have a child/job/school thing in common! Also, I am on Facebook, and that helps me keep up with friends and family. (Sending you a PM here.)
CAT
Sorry for your loss Deb, maybe time to get out of Michigan,, and I;m with you Liz, seems everytime I pray something else happens, and its never good,, and I dont believe that things happen for a purpose,, unless that purpose is to make us worse, I give up trying to understnad anything anymore
Dearest Deb,
The BEST thing to do is share everything, early and often.
And yes, you miss your dad, very very much. His entire life sounds wonderful, all the more to miss, Deb. Grieving is a long process.
But you are so burdened by stuff happening. AND the enormous burden of being a constant Caregiver.
The NEXT BEST thing to do is find a Caregivers support group.
Care giving is exhausting emotionally, spiritually and physically.
YOU need respite care, self care, TLC, the entire package!
It's easy for me to say, i know, but this drain on you can pull you down Deb, much more than you realize.
Can you get any help, or is it possible for your Mother to go into a nursing home?
I am thinking of you, and hoping you see things turning a bit brighter.
Do get a strong 'northern light'. Bright light will lift your spirits and you need that.
And it might help your Mother, too
http://www.medpagetoday.com/Geriatrics/Depression/24159
Keep us posted, and vent and share everything.
Kisses
Elaine
(((Dee))),
Sending you my condolences on the passing of your Dad. I'm sure you will miss your Dad always.
I know it seems like you have this black cloud hanging over your head and you have a lot on your plate right now. However, you have not been "singled" out for all this right now in your life - these things just happen. It very well could have happened whether you lived in IN or MI. It all just happened to happen shortly after you moved to another state.
It does take a while to adjust to a new state when you move away from everything and everyone you are familiar with. Been there, done that. They say it takes a whole year to adjust to anything new in our lives . . . be it a move, job loss, death, divorce, marriage, parenthood, etc. Add to that your misfortune of hurting your leg and that keeps you housebound with you being sole caregiver for your Mom.
Taking care of our aging parents is a stressful time. I've been there too. Especially if they suffer from dementia and other illnesses that require you to keep a close eye on them and be with them 24/7.
Dee, you do have a lot going on right now and it's understandable it is stressful and lonely. That's the nice thing about the internet and computers - you can keep in contact with people all around the world. Not quite the same as a warm body there that you can hug and sit with and talk with - but, pretty close.
Hang in there Dee . . . brighter days will come . . . sending you a big HUG.
Bucky
Sorry for your heartache and trouble. One thing for sure, moving out of Michigan is not going to make everything better. Unless your son moves out and supports himself totally, you may have to put your Mom in a home too. Spring will bring new sunshine to us.
:-* ahhh my sweets...i have been goin' through so much of what u describe!
the move...the annoyance...the no1 ta talk ta...plain & simple the
SH※t^storm keeps a cummin'!
i understand & if u need an ear or eyes so ta say...i got a pair of both...muffed up 1's...but i got 'em just the same! ;)
luva u & feel ya!
~*flutterfly...tuckin'pigtails in chauffers hat so we can blow this popcycle stand!*~
Dee,
I am sorry to hear of the loss of your dad and all the difficulties you are facing. I understand completely how being under that avalanche of chaos can be and I have tread the dark waters of depression often enough, I think I have an official membership card.
I am so glad that you can still come here and post about it. When I am in the deepest throes of depression, I go into lurk mode and it really doesn't help.
Here in Indiana, winter has been, well, wintry. We're expecting freezing rain tomorrow.
I hope truly that things can get better for you. All you can do is make sure you take excellent care of yourself so you have the strength, mentally, physically and spiritually to deal with all these curveballs.
I know you'll make it through.
Peace, strength and B R E A T H E.
Rayven
Condolences on the death of your father. It certainly has been a rough few months for you! Vent all you like - that's what we are here for. Hugs to you . .
Take care,
Genko
Dee, You have my sympathy on the death of your dad, but as you say it was expected and probably very welcomed by him. He is home now and not suffering any longer.
Now, as far as your Mom goes, when you take on the care of a parent there will be more surprises then you can shake a cat at. When we see our parents every day and even spend a lot of time with them, we still don't know the whole story. It is only that 24/7 closeness that you are able to pick up on all the little "secrets" that an elderly parent has. Sort of like now you know that she is more confused than you thought or possibly more irritable than we realized. Also, usually find out that they are not nearly as capable of taking then medication as you thought.
It is a universal and age old problem. I give you all the credit in the world for taking her into your home. I think that crocheting/knitting would be a very good stress reliever for someone who is housebound with a cast on their leg and a parent living with them. As a 68 year old grandma I can only hope that I die quick and can escape living with a child or going in the nursing home. Now assisted living wouldn't be so bad, but nursing homes, nah, they are full of old, sick people. ::)
As for the snow, think of it this way. When spring and summer come I am going to be really blessed with a lot cherries and blue berries. Also, down the road a year or two you will probably think back and say to yourself that you made it through these hard times. Not only that, you are having this chance to be with your Mom when you aren't working and that is ok. The day will come when she will also be gone and you will be back working, meeting friends and enjoying life.
Have your hubby take you to the library and drop you off for a couple of hours in the evening or on a Saturday. You can be around people and listen to the socialization. This in itself is therapy besides getting to catch up on the magazines. Also, just give a smile to a young mother with kids and say a few words and pretty soon you will be making a friend here and there.
As much as we (including me) hate diversity it is what makes us better people. Enough of my ramblings. I ahve nothing to say about your son. I raised 3 boys and all I know is that I didn't have a clue when they were born and I still, to this day, don't have a clue. Time makes a difference for us all though. Irish ;D
Dee, you have my sympathies. You have so much on your plate right now and it sounds so overwhelming. It's all so new to you but I'm sure it will get better over time. I know you will make the best of it... we learn to adapt. We just do what we can.
I like the idea of really looking out to see what's in the community that may interest you. Here we have (even in the more rural areas outside of the town) craft courses at the high schools and things to do like that. I know, at least here, they actually don't cost that much. - I actually thought about maybe joining a cooking class for fun, they have those ethnical cooking classes that seem interesting - Maybe something similar to that, just to get you out of the house and into a new element and around different people. Clear your head, I'm sure your husband wouldn't mind dropping you off for a couple of hours. You may even meet a few nice ladies as well.
Point is, whatever you decide to do, make sure you carve some time out for yourself. Whether its out of the house OR if you create your own secret hideaway in the house somewhere. I have one :D ... Its in the guest room, with a cup of tea and my book, while my son is busy with his video games and my husband is busy with his guitar. I shut the room off and I have my tea and read my book... just 10-20 minutes of serenity makes a big difference. Take that time out for yourself :)
Thinking of you, Deb, and wishing you a good day today!
Cheryl
Thank you, everyone, for your condolences and encouraging words. When I read my post today, one thing jumped out at me: at least I have my priorities in good order. The things I were counting as blessings were love, family, time spent together, having enough money to make ends meet rather than splurging on extravagance , etc. Soooooo...I shall just hunker down and hibernate til spring!
LizPetillo - At my age, I try not to pray for many specifics. I figure God has a much bigger view of the road then I do and doesn't need my help steering. So I just pray for the things inside myself: peaceful thoughts, calmness, strength to deal with what comes my way, to let me say or do a little something that will help someone else. It seems to help.
Deb
Dee,
I am so sorry. I remember when I lost my dad. It has been 17 years and there is not a day that goes by that I don't think of him. He was the love of my life. We were very close.
I know you will have some rough days ahead and I will pray for you. Even tho he had a full life I am sure he will be badly missed.
love ya, harlin
About 3 years ago I wrote a post on this site just like yours.
I had moved from sunny Colorado to northern Minnesota. Shortly thereafter we found out our house was full of mold (but not the kind that insurance covers) and I became terribly ill only to find out I have autoimmune disease. The hardest part was the loneliness. My dear friends of 20 years are 1000 miles away.
Now we have a gigantic mortgage and live in a nearly-half-finished house with dust on EVERYTHING! Sometimes I wonder how much dust I have eaten over the past year.
Anyhoo... I just wanted to tell you I know how you are feeling. I know, YOU KNOW, you will get through it, but I understand this is a difficult time in your life.
Sending you a hug and glad you shared.
Janna
Dee. I am so sorry about your father's passing..
Hang in there.. and that sux about the plaquenil.. Maybe for some reason you are just not
supposed to take it.. i don't know.. I can't take a lot of things for my dry eyes that almost everyone
else can and i don't get why but i guess sometimes things just don't work for everyone.
I Hope Michigan gets better for you.. I do know that in life it seems when things start to fall apart
they come crashing down and then all of a sudden you get a break and things get better.. they will for you..
Sorry for your loss...It's never easy to lose a parent. :'(
Deb,
I guess I'm really behind; I just saw your post here. I'm so sorry to hear of your Dad's passing.
It's so difficult losing a parent, no matter how old we are or how old they are. My mother passed in 2007 and even though it was obvious it was time for God to take her home, it was so much harder for me that I expected.
So, besides that you've really gone through some other tough challenges lately. Good grief, dear! Our family was going through a quite horrible year in 2005. My MIL laughed one day in the middle of all the awfulness and told me, "You know, I think God is testing me, but some days I don't know if I'm going to pass!" Others have given some good advice, as always, and I love irish's. She is so wise.
It really is important that you get out of the house if possible and go anywhere for a little "me time." Caregiving is draining to the body, mind and soul even if you love doing it. I commend you and praise you for doing it.
I hope Michigan starts sounding like a better place soon. The weather has been horrible, but hopefully spring is coming soon!
Please post anytime at the first sign of a vent. Like Elaine said, post soon and often. We are your Sjoggie family and unseen support system. Sending you prayers and blessings,
Melinda
Me again, Deb.
Wanted to just mention about your post when you looked back and saw how your priorities were in the right place. Absolutely!
I hear: family, hope, gratefulness, a woman who cares about others, and has strength to carry on no matter what comes her way. ;)
Take care of yourself, dear.
My deepest sympathies for your loss. I lost my father in 1997 and I still miss him today. Praying you find your silver lining and some peace with moving to Michigan.
Glad you posted about your difficult times.
All the others have said everything I think.
So sorry about your Dad passing and your mom being sick.
Dang, you think the dog could have held off on the neighbor. You sure did not need that on top of everything else.