irish, I just read this line from you and it seemed to help my horrible "blues" today.
Just having someone confirm that this happens makes me try to know (again) that this will pass and I will get over it.
In a nutshell, I've had a nasty weekend and Monday. I need to vent, please. Started with pain in my jaw/tooth Friday night, after my PCP and dentist office closed, of course. :( My face and jaw swelled so much in a few hours, I couldn't sleep since it felt like someone hit me in the head with a baseball bat. That's what I'm imagining; never been hit with a bat.
Sucky since I had a lot of joint pain all last week and Friday morning I actually felt better. Anyway, Sat. I went to an UrgentCare type of office that happens to be associated with my rhuemy. His assistant gave me scripts for antibiotics and a few tramadol, which took the pain down a notch or two.
Then the joint pain came back with a vengeance! My knees, shoulder joints and lower back, oh my. When I tried to get out of bed today it took 3 tries and the first try brought tears to my eyes. :'(
My husband had the day off. We planned to go Christmas shopping, but I can hardly move. Our house needed some cleaning, so he put in a load of laundry, patted me on the shoulder and went off to the bar for the evening. This has happened quite often lately and I feel alone in my pain. He has been mostly good about understanding my disease, but lately it's different.
Lately, he works, come home and watches sports channel, talks with me a bit and goes to meet his buddies. He gets up at 4:30 a.m. so by the time hec comes home later, he's tired and near incoherant. (more in next post)
I told him last week that I felt very alone when this happens about 4 times a week. He said, "you don't like me going?" with a defensive look. I told him I didn't care if it was occasional, but that often made me feel he doesn't care.
I told him "the buddies" get the best part of him for the day. By the time he comes home to me I get the leftover, who is half-drunk and half-asleep, falling asleep in the chair and then waking to ask if we have dinner. Huh?? ???
Today, it has really gotten me down. I feel like crap, I look like crap, I'm stuck in my house that looks like crap.
ok, I got way too negative and I apologize but I feel so deep in a dark hole of sadness today, I have no other outlet. If I can try to remember this WILL pass, that I am depressed partly because I am sick and hurting, I can see the light at the other end of the tunnel.
Please say a prayer, anyone who is inclined. I really appreciate it right now!
Melinda
I'm sorry that you are dealing with all this. The expectations of the holidays seem to make it all worse too.
I agree with you: depression follows illness. It takes a lot of energy to put on a happy face when we're in public, so we want to feel free to be our tired, sick selves in the privacy of our own homes. So when family members don't understand...it's hard.
I wish I had some good advice, but alll I can say is to be kind to yourself. *hug*
Deb
Hi Meld
You have good reason for feeling down.
Clinical depression can start that way but is when everything should really be OK - and you still feel that way!
I'm not trying to minimise what you are feeling. You are feeling lon ely, isolated and neglected and that is depressing indeed.
I once felt the way you are feeling and I wrote my husband a letter about it - which he read when he was sober. It was the only way I felt I could tell him without him interrupting.
Take care - Scottie
Deb and Scottie,
Thank you both. I've been the "clinically depressed" route many years ago once, and it wasn't pretty. Our family has had quite a few members who were very depressed.
I usually wouldn't get so much into personal stuff but I needed to connect with someone. Lonely, isolated and neglected; yep, that's me lately. I've written to my husband before. I think I'll do that again, because I don't think he understands how this affects me. I also know that if I didn't feel so awful, it wouldn't bother me as badly.
Expectations of the holidays make it worse, too. So...I will rest and try to relax. And remember that my situation is still good compared to many and I have things to be thankful for.
Blessings and thanks,
Melinda
your situation is YOUR situation,, its no better or any worse then what other people deal with,, I dont like to hear from people who tell me things could be worse,, or your better then other people,, that doesnt matter,,, it what YOUR dealing with,
Today is my anniversary, and I cant do a thing with my wife,, in years past we would go shopping, we would go eat out and just make a beautiful evening out of it,, but I just cant do it, i refuse to make a fool out of myself trying to eat and drop things, or try to go to a store and have to hang onto things to stop from falling, or meeting people I know and have them ask me how i;m doing,,
But back to you,, I used to do exactly what your husband does go out with my buddies, come home half drunk or really drunk,, want dinner at 9 in the evening, I made her life a living heck,, and I am suprised she stayed with me,, she got the leftovers too,, its a tough balancing act,,, on one hand we have to let them know that they really need to understand were sick and cant do a lot of things,, actually most things, and they ned to be able to enjoy theselves too,, but not every day,, they dont need to go out with there buddies,, 4 or 5 times a week, we didnt ask to be sick,, and I recall a line in the marriage vows,,, through sicknessand and in health,,
I thnk we need to realize to that they hate to see us suffer and dont have a clue how to help us,, heck,, we dont even kow what to do when soething else goes nuts and we dont know what it is,, My oldest son who calls almost every day,, hasent called in over a week,, I think the breakdonw I had on the phone with him scared him,, but I just couldnt hold it in anymore,, Depression follows illness,,, we see our files and they say,, History of anxiety and depression,, I get so mad when I see that,, of course i;m depressed,, you deal with this crap and tell me you dont get depressed, Hang in there,
Mel-
I completely understand how you feel. In a post I wrote in earlier today (Klonopin v Requip), I was asking if Klonopin contributes to depression because I've fought two of the deepest episodes of depession of my life this year. I have resisted anti-depressants because of weight gain side effects (have lost 50# due to diet and exercise).
Also, my DH has not been supportive. He's not told me to be quiet about my medical issues, however, his eyes glaze over, he won't attend a doctor's appt with me and doesn't recall anything I've told him. Oh, and if I email him something to read and ask a question about it later, he's clearly not read it. People claim he's a "typical" man, he wants to "fix" me and can't, so he just does nothing???
Yesterday, DH texted me and said he knew I was going through a rough spot and that he loved me. I texted him back (DH tends to be very sensitive, so I tred lightly so as to not hurt his feelings) and told him that he had no idea as to the extent of my pain-emotionally or physically- and sometimes love isn't enough.
I know that caught his attention. I never would have been able to say that to him because it would have torn my heart out to see how it hurt him. It's much easier for me to put pen to paper to get my point across. Not to be mean or spiteful because l love this man with every ounce of my being, but I wanted to be heard without interruption or seeing the hurt look in his face.
Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that you're definitely not alone and suggest a letter from the heart to open his eyes.
Dear Mel,
Depression is often caused by the biochemical imbalances of illness.
Depression is very much a part of auto immune conditions, especially when they flare.
I remember particularly a flu season when several medical sources warned that this variant of the flu was often followed by severe depression.
And I had a friend who experienced precisely that depression. It was helpful to her to know it was part of the flu.
Depression says 'THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG" and it says "LIFE ISN'T WORTH LIVING" and it says "NOTHING WILL EVER BE BETTER, ONLY WORSE".
Depression lies, of course, but when you FEEL so strongly all of the above, it's very hard to see the lie.
Friends, humor, lots of BRIGHT LIGHT, supportive family, and medications can short circuit depression. Some times stop it in its tracks.
Some times it helps to write it down, and look at it objectively! This forum can help, as it helps with friends, and humor, and support.
My tendency is to beat myself up BECAUSE I'm depressed. Or to deny and suppress the depression, which doesn't really help either.
Share with us, Mel. Know we care.
Keep us posted.
Kisses
Elaine
Hi Meld, Sorry you are in all this pain at the moment.
It's right what Navydad said, It is not your fault that your iLL !
so dont apologize to anyone, if your feeling as you do ,
Writing him is a good idea too.
If I complain of anything, my better half always comes back with his worse complaints,
so I too suffer in silence!
Tell you what tho'Meld, I am coming back as a man next time!!
Hugs Dolly x
TOOOOOO FUNNY DOLLY!
Yeah, but then you'd be a MAN,and they aren't nearly as much fun.
Well, perhaps in a different way.
Hard to judge.
Yeah, come back as a man.
Me too.
Elaine
:-* :-* meld 256~
i'm SO sorry u have this SH#T ta add ta ur already muffed~up~idness!
u are such a sweet soul!
i wish i could jump through & just feet hug ya! :)
if u need ta vent...u know where ya can find me!!!
~*flutterfly*~
Thanks to you all, I appreciate it so much. Thank God for this forum!
navydad,
thank you. Gee, that's what I tell
other peopleQuote from: navydad on December 21, 2010, 04:53:09 AM
your situation is YOUR situation,, its no better or any worse then what other people deal with,, I dont like to hear from people who tell me things could be worse,, or your better then other people,, that doesnt matter,,, it what YOUR dealing with,
WHY couldn't I feel that way for myself? Duh...
I struggle with wanting him to enjoy and do things he likes, to wanting him to just be there for me when I am so down and feeling so awful. We talked last night about it.
I told him how I felt when he left to go with the guys, especially Mon. night when I was sooo down. He said he didn't realize how badly I felt and if he knew I was so depressed he would have stayed. He apologized and didn't really know I was in such bad shape; he can't read my mind. Well, yeah, that's true, huh?
I could've spoken up. I said well, I was crying..wouldn't that give you a clue? He thought I was crying because I was in pain. Yeah, but pain to the core and feeling left alone! He told me to please let him know if I was that down and he would stay. It's hard for him to know what to do, I understand. I told him I guess my fear is that he'll get tired of my being this way. He looked at me and said, no,no! We've been married 22 yrs. and always dealt with things together. You've put up with me, why would you think I'd ever give up on you?
I know he hates to see me suffer. And I know depression is part of all this, but wow, does it suck. I start thinking, ok, I know tomorrow or a few days from now, I'll feel better physically and mentally. (cont.)
(sorry, the first paragraph was navydad. I had operator error! )
Then the depression devil in my mind pops up; "what if you don't feel better tomorrow or next week?" "what if you NEVER feel better and you'll always be like this?" "what'cha gonna do then?" If I could stop the devil, I would but at that moment, he has control over my brain. And I hate that I can't make him go away at those times.
I am glad to say I'm feeling better today. Got to my dentist yesterday; thought I'd pop in, her look at my infected gums and say ok, keep taking the antibiotics you got Sat. and see ya later. Not!!
She looked, she investigated and in a couple minutes decided the 2 teeth were absessed and we might as well pull them right now. Huh ???
Sure, they said. Just wait here and we'll get a room ready. Don't know why I was shocked. So, 2 hours and $72 later, I walked out with a numb mouthfull of gauze. I was having them all pulled anyway, so now we've got 2 out of the way.
Oh, yeah, probably have had a sinus infection on top of this, so no wonder the depression devil had a way in. Lots of nasty germs for him to hide in. :)
Thank you all for being my support line. It really means the world to me!
Melinda
On top of feeling the blues you've got abcessed teeth and a sinus infection? Poor thing. No wonder you were teary. Big hugs to you Melinda.
P.S. Glad you and hubby talked :)
Meld, sending you loads of positive thoughts and healing wishes.....
Hugs,
Daisy
Thanks Daisy1234 and BonusMom :)
I'm sure the sinus infection and tooth absesses contributed to my blues and despondence. It also kicked my joint pain into 4th gear so I guess no wonder I was having myself one big ole pity-party!
I'm glad me and my honey talked, too.
I appreciate your hugs, positive thoughts and healing wishes.
Melinda
:-* hi meld~sorry u feel the misery both in ur body & ur lil' noggin!
was the covo w/hubby a futile 1?
or did he actually
→pick up what u were puttin'down?←
much luv sweets! i will put in request ta the bearded fat guy 4 an...
understandin' tender luvin' hubby that u deserve sweets! OH & 4 ur body ta co~operate w/ya!
~*flutterfly...pullin' out pen & paper...is there anythin' else u want me ta jot down dearheart?*~ ;)
awh, thanks flutterfly :)
Yes, my talk with my husband was good. He seems to have a new understanding of what I deal with.
Today, we did the Christmas shopping together and he did some things around the house he hasn't done for a while. (he had the day off again) He even cleaned out a kitchen cabinet I'd been meaning to get to; washed all the plates and glasses and rearranged them! We enjoyed our time together.
I appreciate the request to the beared fat guy. :) thank you, dear.
I hope your day is a better one,
Melinda
:-* u betcha sweets!
i'll keep pad & paper ready...
but we're runnin' outa time!
(it is the big guys busy season luv)!
i'll keep ya in my thoughts!
~*flutterfly sayin'...santa please lemme explain!
it REALLY wasn't me!*~
Meld sweety , you are in my thoughts and prayers . Just like you mentioned ..writing to your hubby sometimes is best cause they actually get to read it and it sort of pops out at them you know..it also works for me too and it's easier cause you get to say what you wanna without being interrupted.
None of us deserve to be in this much pain and it's often underestimated . just like you when those rough times hit or relapses, I feel like this one is putting me way under and i sometimes wonder if i'll recover the same or at all for that matter, cause it just hurts so much!!
:DSo meld hang in there honey cause i'm here ROOTING for ya!!!!!! ;D
@Dolly Dimples ..I'm with ya lol
Mink,
I think I understand what you're going through, too. I am rootin' for you too! ;D Please hang in there. It seems that things really do get better, but when we are in pain it is scary.
For those of us who have long bouts of a flare, it is frightening to think about. I had 2-3 mths.that I was basically bed-bound so it's no fun.
I need to remember that depression WILL rear its head with pain; not to be surprised and then learn how to deal with it. That's the big multi-million dollar question, isn't it?
Thank you for your kind support and help. My thoughts and prayers are with you, sweetie, that you come through this soon.
flutterfly,
I'm learning to read your posts better! ;DMy thoughts are with you, too, sweetie. Hope you have a good weekend and appreciate your wishes for me.
Take care,
Melinda
:D yay meld...u's gettin' me!
yes depression is ALWAYS ready ta take over...'specially if u are down!
vicious i tell ya!
just know WHEN or IF it does...
we ARE here!
much luv ta u & urs!
lets ditch this year & grab us a FRESH ONE!
※HAPPY NEW YEAR!※
~*flutterfly...sayin' this had BETTER be a better 1!*~
thanks, flutterfly ;)
How's about that? I am learning "flutterfly-ese" (wink)
I appreciate you all being there for me. I talked with my dear sister afterward and that helped. I've decided to find some counseling (this week) on how to better deal with these kinds of days.
I think I am dealing better with the "everyday" stuff. But this flare sent me down a nasty, slippery slope of despair. I know it very likely might happen again, and I need some help in how to fight it off, roll with it or just how to deal with it!
I understand you, Elaine. Thanks for your kind words. I also was beating myself up because I was depressed, and at the same time feeling foolish for it. Good Lord, it was pretty awful. But, now I will take action...will not let the little "depression devil" get the best of me.
Take care, everyone.
Melinda