Hi everyone,
I am the world's worst dater. I have honestly only been on dates with a handful of people, and the whole idea creates so much anxiety for me that I end up really being awkward, uncomfortable, and the dates generally don't go well. I haven't dated anyone in 3 years, which up until this point has been okay with me...I've been extremely busy with full-time work, school, and figuring out my illnesses.
Lately I've been feeling better, I have more energy, I've been exercising, and I've been thinking that maybe I should start considering dating again. I'm at the age where almost all my friends have married and are starting families (I think I literally know at least 30 people who have had babies or are expecting this year!). I know I would like to get married and have a family, I just don't know how to go about getting to that point.
One of my biggest problems is that I'm shy, I always have been. I'm not good at speaking up or contributing to a conversation when in a social setting...I'm definitely socially challenged! This makes it extremely hard to meet new people, even just socialize with friends of friends at a gathering.
I started going to the gym in January, and since then I've noticed this one guy that I see a couple of times each week. It appears he has a job, which is a bonus nowadays, he usually comes dressed in a shirt, tie, dress pants, overcoat...very nice! I've strained on occasion to see if he has a wedding ring, but his left hand is never in clear view (I figure if he was married he wouldn't work out for so long...he'd want to spend the evening with his wife!). He's not a total meathead like most of the younger people I see at the gym, which I find appealing. And he looks a little like Christian Bale. (yum!)
Enough details, I guess! In my mind I would love to say hello, smile, approach him, or something like that. But I always doubt myself and I don't know what to do. Does anyone have any advice in this situation, or recommendations about dating in general? I am completely lost!
Thanks for reading my babble...
Erin
Have you thought about one of the dating sites? It might make the introductions easier. I think there's less of a stigma theses days about online dating services being that people in general are so busy with work and it's hard to meet people when you're so busy. Getting to know someone's likes and dislikes prior to meeting in person might dispel some of your nervousness. I often say that if I ever have to go back on the market that's the way to go for me. :)
As for gym guy... If you're really interested, try working out near him so he begins to recognize you after a few workouts. Then start to acknowledge him with a quick hello. Then work your way up to introductions.
Oh and I think it's great you're going to the gym. I am so glad you're feeling better and think it's awesome that you're ready to put yourself out there to meet someone.
Let us know how it goes!
Hi Erin :)
Your post made me think way back to when I first met my husband - and I don't think I ever had a date with him. I made friends with him in a social setting, (in my case it was a local pub - not a gym) We were friends for over a yea and then things just went further. I was worried it might ruin a beautiful friendship but 35 years on - I'm still with him.
I asked him to fix my car and things because I knew he was good with cars. He'd do something like that and I'd cook him a meal - but no set dates. I actually met him because I went out with both his brothers first - briefly.
Take care - Scottie :)
Crumbs Erin,
Somewhere in my deepest darkest memories I must know about dating, but it was over 40 years ago and I don't think I was very good at it either.
My sons (both in their twenties) tell me they would always want to be friends with someone and then let the friendship develop into romance. I think that probably is the best route. How about asking him for some help setting up gym equipment or using something for the first time - that would at least get you on conversational terms and then things might grow from there.
Beverley
Thanks everyone. Beverley, I think I might ask him for help because the weights area is definitely intimidating and I tend to avoid it at all costs.
I did see him today but I didn't have the nerve to say hi. I was actually disappointed because when I arrived I saw him on one of the machines that I usually use first, but by the time I changed my clothes and came back out he was off it. I ended up taking his machine because it was the only one that was free. If only I had changed faster I could've bumped into him when he was getting off!
I'm not opposed to online dating, I was actually in a relationship for 2 years with someone I met online and we are still close friends. It gets to be expensive if you use them for longer than a few months, and I've noticed after leaving it for a while and coming back that it's the same people in my area that are still on the sites. I think I may go back to it after I graduate in December (if I'm still single) when I'll have more time to go through the matches, read profiles, etc. Sorting through the matches is practically a full-time job!
ErinG,
I think the others have offered some good advice! The only thing I would add to this is that you will need to be able to at least respond when he speaks to you even if you do position yourself.
You remind me of my mother, a very beautiful woman that have been single for quite a few years, she like you is very shy,especially when it comes to men and dating. She does not speak of dating as often as she did a few years ago, but I'm sure she would be very open to it if the chance arises. When a handsome available man was in reach I would strike up a conversation hoping devert the man's attention to my mother, but she would always be too shy to engage leaving me to fade out the conversation.
The one thing that I notice with my mother is that many times her shyness can be mistook for rudeness as if she is just simply don't want to be bothered. She was not aware of this until I pointed it out to her, I told her to at least smile and acknowledge the doggone man if she was interested in him, if nothing else do it with the eyes, shoot let your body flirt for you even if you are not the best conversationist your body can speak loudly, just don't overdo it! Don't worry too, too much about making a fool of yourself, sometimes even that can come off as cute to men, don't every man like a woman that is too bold with an overwhelming need to be the one in charge.
Have fun with being single, just don't settle for any ole thang though! Know and believe you deserve the best and remember this, when a man finds a wife, he finds a GOOD THANG! That's the word! Hellll-lo, snap! ;) ;D
Thanks Bernice,
I know what you mean about shyness coming off as rudeness or snobbishness. Sometimes I'm really aware of whether or not I'm smiling or saying hello and I try to make an effort, but at other times I just don't care. I'm working on being more conscious of it.
It's another beautiful day here in the northeast, so far the work day is flying by, and I have the day off tomorrow to look forward to. My spirits are high so if I see him tonight, I may just make a move!
YOU GO GIRL!!!!! ;) ; ;D ;D
OH! BUT MAKE SURE HE AIN'T MARRIED, REMEMBER EVEN IF YOU DON'T SEE A RING, STILL ASK!!!!
I know, that's the tricky thing. Most men take their wedding rings off when they lift weights, so I've tried to catch a glimpse of the finger on his way in before he changes....I definitely need to find out.
UGH!!! When I was single there were several guys that lied to me about being married. When I was least expecting it I met my husband..We will be married for 3 years in May.
Good luck on the dating scene. I never had the courage to ask men out. Just try starting a conversation about how to use one of the machines or how to do an exercise. Men like to be the teacher. Just have the attitude that if nothing else you will end up meeting a friend or work out partner. That will at least open the door to get to know him a little and maybe have him ask you out.
Good Luck! If you have any hobbies or volunteer for any organization, that is a good way to meet people too. Least you know then you share at least one interest. I've never done the "online" thing or paid a singles meet company so I don't know how those work.
I have to tell you we have a singles column in the paper weekly, You pay to put your "ad" in and replies you get cost per minute but your name etc is kept confidential until you tell a potential date. What makes it funny for me is the guys usually put: camping, hunting, cars, etc. :P Gives me an idea of a date would be camping out in the woods freezing my tail off and making me skin the rabbit or gut the fish. Course maybe that is what they are looking for.
Course theses days it is hard to find one: employed, clean "no drugs etc.", supportive and the stick-to-it-ness that doesn't run for the hills when their significant other gets sick or hurt. That goes for BOTH sexes btw. FYI: I used to be very shy too. My folks started going to auctions and my dad got me to bid - do that enough and it sure helps the shyness. ;)
Lately I've been taking on more responsibility at work and it's forcing me to be more outspoken. A couple of weeks ago I had to meet with an executive from our bank and I went to my first business lunch. I was so nervous and of course I was quiet, but hopefully with more events like these happening in my professional life I will be able to be more outgoing in my social life, too.
I still haven't talked to the gym guy, maybe tonight? Sooo many butterflies in my stomach all the time.
Girrrrl, is that really you in that picture to the left of your posts ??? ??? You are an attractive young woman, KNOW THIS and go on and find your man! Just know unless you happen upon a sure crazy one, they ain't gonna bite ya! And that you are just as smart and sure of yourself and that you got just as much to offer as he does. Stop looking at them as if they are foreign objects, they are just humans, nothing special, in fact, among the stinkest of the human species. ::) ::). Shoot if you run upon one of those that thinks too much of himself, he ain't worth YOUR trouble, Shake the dust off your feet and keep stepin'.
I understand being shy, but the only thing about it is takes too much time out of your life. plus it's too lonely and usually gives too much credit to those you encounter.
I wonder if they might have one of those self assertment classes in your area? Just don't go through it and come out telling EVERYBODY off that's ever did ya wrong! ;) ;D
Bernice,
That is me, but the picture is from a year ago when I was 30lbs lighter! I am such a chicken and I haven't talked to him yet. It's been cloudy and rainy here the past few days and I haven't been as optimistic as I was last week when we had gorgeous weather.
Tomorrow is supposed to be nicer, so maybe....
Erin,
I know what you mean I've gained weight, but you're still pretty, at least you're doing something about it at the gym, me I haven't gotten to that yet, still waiting on a majic pill or something.
I also know that Spring and warmer weather does something for us in the area of love. Thank God there's men that like a little jelly with their rolls. ::) ;) ;D ;D
Go get on a machine near him and ask him the proper way to do it. If there is a TV in the room start talking about what is on TV. If you are really shy have a drink before you go to loose some of the shyness. Join an on-line dating site. One must go after what one wants in life or next year you will just be another year older and in the same boat. Know what you want and then search and work to make it a reality. Lesley
Yeah Erin,
Where are you at with this man? Have you made any moves yet? Or have you waited and let somebody else grab him, you know it's far less good men around compared to women so good ones get snatched real quick!
Erin
I've got a very shy 29 year old, looking for a new home ;) No reasonable offer refused!
Kathyx
Funny Kathyx . . . . . match maker, match maker, make me a match . . . find me a find . . catch me a catch . . . .
There is nothing wrong with a match maker!! I speak from experience!! ;D A friend of mine that lived in Illinois, (I lived in Ohio), was so excited to tell me about this guy that she thought would be just perfect for me. After writing back and forth for eight weeks, I finally met Mark in person. I hadn't even see a picture of him, except for a baby picture when he was 1 yr. old (cute little dickens . . LOL) - so, I was going on "blind" faith up to the point he knocked on my door to meet for the first time. We did talk on the phone too, but I wanted him to write me first. I knew by talking with him, that if nothing else developed between us, I'd at least have a new friend. :D We've been married 18 years this past March. ;D I will forever be grateful to my friend Vicki.
P.S. I have a computer box FULL of letters, cards, cassette tapes, little gifts Mark sent to me while we were courting long distance. I didn't get married until I was 34 yrs. old . . . so, it's never too late!!
Go for it Erin . . . .
Bucky
That's a lovely story, Bucky.
I have hope that he will find himself someone to love soon. He's just put all his energy into his work and education - self taught computer programmer, micro-electronics engineer, and just retrained as an electrician. He is self-employed, and business is doing well. Just hope he takes some time out for himself now.
Kathyx
Bernice,
Nope, no developments yet. I've been a chicken, and I've been really busy and I either haven't been making it to the gym at all, or I've gone at times when he's not there. I am finishing up my semester next week and I pushed my next class until July, so hopefully over the next month or so I will have more opportunities to run into him, grow a pair, and finally say hi!
- Erin
I don't blame you for putting school first! Let's hope he's still there, better yet, let's hope he's still there and worth the trouble!!! ::) ::) ;D
I have a problem with dating too. I feel as though that life is over. I'm really too young for that. It's just that it is hard to find someone when you're sick most of the time and tired all the time. Who would want me?
iluvmycat,
I see you got alot going on health wise, BUT I still help but repeat that I have seen on talk shows people with only HALF of their bodies presenting to the world their lovers and spouses that happily profess love!
Now I dare to say even with all that you have going on it's nothing compared to what I've seen these people have to deal with. I say this not to undermind your issues, BUT to encourage you and to remind you that it's all in attitude. Think yourself worthy and beauitful.
Trust me I have seen in living color some that I have honestly had to stare at and wonder "how on earth did they get that man or woman? BUT I almost always see in them this confidence about themselves that seem to do the trick.
I think the trick is to feel like you are ALL THAT and a bag of chips that person will ever need, EVEN if you ain't got what what somebody else has to offer because what you don't have you more than make up for in what you do have. And you know this! Just don't try too hard and come off as desperate! Cos you ain't got to be desperate. Assume confidence, know you got it going on!
Get out there and let the world know you got something to offer! AND it's worth havin'!!!!!!! Then watch you will have more than your share of admirers and out of them at least one will be a match.
Thank you so much for your encouragement
I just re-joined eHarmony. I guess we'll see what happens!
Well alright then! You GO Girl!
Good luck Erin,
I hope you have some good luck and find someone special. I can't imagine life without my husband of 38 years. We are true soulmates and it makes it so much easier to face all the ups and downs of health issues when you have someone who understands you.
Mind you - have some fun while you're looking - you are only young once!
Beverleyt
Hi Erin,
I met my wonderful husband of 6 years through the online service, Matchmaker.com. I think since then it has merged with Match.com. I was married for 25 years prior to that, so I'm here to tell ya that getting out there and dating took some real pushing from within myself. I felt like I didn't know how to talk to any single people and had pretty low self esteem. I'd been a wife and mom 'homebody' for all those years and felt extremely shy and awkward. That made the online dating sites perfect for me. You get to email, chat, call, and screen them, and meet all at your own pace. I met some real losers too, so be careful! One guy stole my credit card and ran up a bunch of online porn charges!!
I don't know about you, but I tend to be much more outgoing if I am with a girlfriend. It takes that one-on-one pressure off. Is it possible to talk one of your married girlfriends into going to the gym with you a few times? Together, I would think it would be easier to approach this guy and drum up conversation. I did that a few times at a dance club and it worked out well for meeting guys. One girlfriend actually asked to see the I.D. of this one guy that I met and was dancing with. Now there's a true friend! lol It was actually quite embarrassing for me...but..the guy had no problems with proving he was who he said he was.
You are young and pretty with a long life ahead of you. Get out there and meet that hunk. And..while you are there...see if he has a brother for my 27 yr old daughter, will ya? :-)
Take care..and good luck!
Julie
Ah Julie
Can I do you a deal with my 29 year old son. New, unused, with his own business...
Kathyx
Yes Kathyx, yes! Any chance he lives in Colorado ???? Willing to relocate?? I don't think I could get my daughter out of the mountains. She's a preschool teacher who LOVES the outdoors - particularly mountain climbing. I keep telling her she NEEDS to apply for The Bachelor or Bachelorette show. When the last guy was on, all I could think about was how she would have been a far more perfect match for him than that girl he chose. I'm not biased or anything... ;)
Quote from: Katybarstool on May 28, 2010, 01:14:03 PM
Ah Julie
Can I do you a deal with my 29 year old son. New, unused, with his own business...
Kathyx
Kathy...you crack me up....does your son know that you are "looking" for him online here at Sjgorens World? (http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys/smiley-laughing001.gif) (http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys.php) Too too funny!
Lynnmarie, I told him I was looking - he just smiled. He would love a partner and children. He adores his brothers children and has lots of patience with them. He had severe epilepsy as a youngster, but grew out of it at puberty. However, he is very shy. He works as an electronics engineer/programme writer, and qualified at night school a couple of years ago as an electrician. His former employer has him work part-time on a consultancy basis, and this week he has spent three days in Venice, problem finding on some machinery. It seems he never has time to find a lady friend.
Julie, shame, we are in the UK. Mind you, it's very green around here, and we're just a couple of hours away from our Lake District so, maybe we could persuade your daughter to relocate ;)
Kathyx
Kathy,
Hmmm....Where in the U.K.? He sounds like a good match if he loves children. Shoot, if we can make a love connection for our 2 kids...I would move over there too, to be close to them. I'd LOVE to see more of the world. My husband is an electrical engineer, and it sounds like your son is following a similar path. They have to travel so much for their jobs doing on-site installations. Mine has been out of state for nearly 3 months now. That does make it rough on a relationship. Before we met, he was working for a company that was headquartered in Germany and did a lot of travel out of the country.
Well, your son and my daughter will find their perfect soulmates one of these days.
All the best,
Julie
Just read your post out to Philip - he was grinning from ear to ear!
Kathyx
Uh oh.....a possible love connection going on here maybe???
Sounds like a good possibility to me...... ;).
I'll just sit here quietly humming....Matchmaker, matchmaker make me a match...find me a find...catch me a catch....la da de da da .........
;D ;D ;D
Kathyx
I am wondering/pondering if maybe guys or gals who have been through a tragedy be it their own illness/disease or taking care of someone make the best spouses/mates.
There is an idea for a study. LOL
It is just I have found that people who have, tend to 1) have a better outlook on life 2) have staying power in relationships and are more level headed. Sorry to sound if I am "bashing" the younger folks but most of the younger ones are still in the "Me" phase of life and got some emotional growing up to do.
As to anyone with an illness/disease that's dating - I'd recommend that you don't make it your #1 identifier. Teenagers get a zit on their face and they dwell on it. (attitude!) Come across that you are enjoying your life and though you have "xyz" you are not going to let it stop you.
BTW: Sounds like good idea - an SJS dating website like match.com. LOL
As to the 29 yr old son, if I was only a heck of a lot younger. Sigh ;)
Pisces
I agree! Shoot, I don't care if you got a hump in your back and a green eye in the forehead ACT like it's suppose to be there, at least until you get to know the person for a short bit. You don't want your ailment to define you.
Don't go out there acting like you are interviewing them for a position as a home nurse!!!!! You don't have to hide your illness just don't let it dominate the date or meeting. If it rears it's ugly head and become noticable quickly and casually explain it and hurry and get back to the date mindset!
No, I never said a word to that guy at my gym.
I re-joined eHarmony back in May and I hadn't been making much progress. My membership was about to expire and I was considering canceling my membership. I thought I'd give match.com another try and re-joined that about 2 weeks ago to see if I had more luck there.
The following day I had a new eHarmony communication request from.....Hickory, from my town. I was pretty sure there was only one man named Hickory in my town, and I was right. He is the older brother of one my friends from elementary school! We sped through the guided communication stages last week and started emailing. I confessed that I knew his sister during our first phone call because I wasn't sure if that would make things awkward, but it seemed to make things even better. We have had a lot to talk about so far and I am feeling really optimistic about this match. We haven't set our first in-person meeting yet, but I am sure it will be soon.
Keep your fingers crossed for me!
FANTASTIC, ERIN!! Hope it turns out to be a love connection...or at least a good friendship. It's nice that it's someone you are sort of already familiar with too.
Keep us informed! I'll be rooting for you!
Julie
Erin,
Woohoo . . . bet you are glad you gave match.com another try. :D
Good luck with your match - take it nice and s-l-o-w and don't rush into anything.
Just be yourself and enjoy meeting Hickory. Being from the same town I think would be a plus.
Keep us posted.
Bucky
Erin,
I hope he turns out to be just what you are looking for! I feel as if I'm in on a big secret. :) Please keep us informed.
Cheryl
Bucky,
The funny thing is he was matched from eHarmony! I wish the timing had worked a little better before I shelled out money to match.com ;) I ended up having to go an extra month on eHarmony too before we agreed to talk on the phone and he gave me his number. I think it's worth it so far...
He and I both agreed that it's pretty funny that it took eHarmony to get us in touch with each other. I have seen him here and there over the past few years but I had never spoken to him. We have had a lot to talk about so far because we went to the same Catholic school through 8th grade, and we went to the same college, too.
I have exams this week and I'm finding it hard to study, even concentrating at work is tough. It's a busy week for him, too, so hopefully by the end of the week we'll be able to figure out a time when we can meet. I think I'll try to squeeze in a phone call tonight after my exam and before I head back home to study for the next one.
Thanks for all your support!
Erin, Let him be the 'seeker' ... you be 'sneaky' ... Most of all, have fun!!! Suggestions from a Granny... ;)
Update us when he calls! Best of luck, young lady!!
We talked last night and we are looking at some time next week for our first date, we still have to work out the details. Now I desperately need a haircut and a gifted colorist to do something to my ever-growing gray streak!
First date is tomorrow night! I hope it's not our last. We are meeting for dinner at a pizza place I have never been to. I'm so excited and nervous I doubt I'll get much sleep tonight, nor much work done tomorrow. I have an appointment for my hair tomorrow afternoon so hopefully all goes smoothly and it's an overall great day! :)
How exciting Erin . . . relax, and just be yourself. Don't think of this get together as . . . maybe he will be my future husband . . just think of it as a new friend for now, and the rest will follow.
Try and get some sleep tonight - you don't want bags under your eyes for tomorrow! :o
Have fun!!
Keep us posted. ;D
Bucky
Erin
Good luck for tonight. Don't forget our update!
Kathyx
I survived the date without puking, tripping, or getting food on myself. I was really nervous the entire time, though it subsided a little as the date went on. We met for pizza at a place I had never been to before and the food was very good. We were the only ones in the restaurant which was kind of nice because it was quiet and there weren't any distractions. We weren't out too long, about an hour and a half. I had a really good time despite my nerves, and I think (hope!) he did too. The conversation seemed to flow pretty well and we both smiled a lot. As we were leaving he asked if I'd like to do it again and I said yes, and he said he'd call me. So I hope to hear from him soon!
Thanks for the update Erin. Glad everything went well.
Kathyx
Erin - now you can take a deep breath . . . whew, the first date is over. :D The first time doing anything is always the hardest.
Now, as your dates progress, things will get a little easier each time.
Ask him about himself (who doesn't like to talk about themselves?! ;D) . . . sports, travel, job, etc. You might already know this about him, but you might not know everything about him. ;)
Does he like animals? Is there a zoo near you? Maybe, you could have a date there. A fun, relaxing date where you don't have to do a lot of talking.
Since fall is here . . . go to an apple orchard or something like that. Go on a hayride. Go for a hike enjoying the fall colors.
Keep us posted. :D
Bucky
Thanks for the suggestions. For me the hardes part will be waiting for him to call. I hope he's not one of those guys who says he'll call but never does. I don't get that impression from him because he seems very geniune and open, but you never know. I figure the earliest he'll call is Thursday because he knows I have class tonight and tomorrow and he goes to bed early. It's going to be a loooong week!
Luckily for me, because I'm shy and I have the extreme nervousness problem, he does like to talk so that makes it a lot easier. He mentioned he likes roller skating, so if we go out again that's an option. There are a lot of places around here that have hayrides, corn mazes, and things like that because we kind of live in farm country. I passed by a bunch of them on the way to our date. I think next time, wherever we go, we should just meet and drive together. It seemed kind of silly that after we left I was driving right behind him until he turned off onto his street!
Thanks everyone for your support. I really really hope this turns into something good :)
Ring, ring, Erin, I hear the phone ringing!. Either Friday or Saturday nights are SPECIAL date nights so be LISTENING for your phone...
R - I - N - G, R - I - N - G, R - I - N - G
Let it ring at least a couple times before answering! Erin, you're SPECIAL! Go Girl ;) Keep us updated! Country Granny
He called tonight ;D He's away in Hershey, PA for a big antique car show for the weekend, and he said he just wanted to call and not keep me waiting. I'm really happy he called and I told him I appreciated it. He said he'll call again in a couple of days to plan the next date. I'm looking forward to it! Now I can relax a little and enjoy the weekend with something to look forward to.
That was very thoughtful of him to phone you and let you know he was out of town. Now you can quit staring at the phone all weekend! ;)
Well, now you know he likes antique cars - if you didn't already know that. He would probably be in the know of any shows in your area, but maybe do a google search for places nearby that might have upcoming shows you could tell him about. It would mean a lot to him that you cared enough to check it out. :D
Find something fun to do this weekend. Have a girls night out or something.
Bucky
Thanks Bucky :)
Yes, he REALLY likes antique engines. He owns several antique tractors, a truck, and a few other machines, and he enjoys restoring them. A friend of his has a 1932 Plymouth sedan (think Bonnie & Clyde's car) that they took down to the car show this weekend.
It's actually kind of funny because before we met for our date the last time I saw him in person he was riding one of his tractors in a parade.
I have plenty of school work and cleaning at home to keep me busy this weekend. It's supposed to be gorgeous outside so I think I will try to get out for a hike and enjoy the fall weather. And I will have to get to thinking about what we could do on our next date!
Erin, Enjoy your weekend... And, think I'll bow out as you seem well on your way. The third call will be a charm!
Keep us updated as to your progress with Mr. Nice!!! Granny Joy
It looks like date #2 will either be hiking on Sunday, weather permitting, or dinner on Monday evening. We are supposed to get a Nor'easter this weekend, so definite plans are up in the air. He may go up to the St. Lawrence seaway this weekend to help friends close up their cottage for the season, but depending on the weather he may stay here.
I can't believe it's been almost 2 weeks since our first date. Time flies and I can't wait until our phone conversation tonight :)
Sounds exciting Erin - enjoy, whatever you do.
Kathyx
Thanks Kathy,
We had a nice time last night at dinner, a great little hole-in-the-wall Mexican place. We ended up going to the movies after because it was pretty early. It was nice spending more time with each other even if we weren't talking.
I did struggle a little with his pickup truck, it's very high off the ground and I forgot how high it was every time I got out. Luckily I didn't fall on my butt, but it was NOT graceful.
We'll be planning the next date sometime this week.
Erin
You go girl, sounds like you are getting on really well. Where do you think you'll go next?
Kathyx
I'm not sure where we're going next. We talked briefly on the phone last night, but it was late and we didn't have enough time to talk about the next date. He is having a new barn built this week, so I think how that goes might affect when he's available. Everything went according to plan yesterday, but it should take the whole week to get it done.
I'm hoping to do something on the weekend again, but meeting in the evening after work is fine by me too. If it's nice on the weekend I'd like to go hiking and he can bring his dog with us, but I know he has a lot of stuff to do at home too. I know this past weekend he didn't get around to harvesting his potatoes, so I have a feeling it will have to get done this weekend.
I'm hoping we'll get to talk again tonight because my class will be let out early and I'll be home before he goes to bed. If not, I'm sure we'll figure it out on Wednesday. I'll keep you updated!
Erin -
I know this doesn't sound like a fun "date". But . . . what if you would bring something to eat over to his house (I'm assuming you know where he lives) if he's busy working this weekend. Something that isn't messy and he can stop what he's doing, grab a bite and keep working. You could even pitch in and help him. It wouldn't have to be a "date" . . just a friend helping a friend out. ;)
You'd make a big impression on him that you took the time to come over and feed him. ;) You could say, "I know you've been busy with your barn, potatoes, etc. - thought you might want a quick bite to eat." . . . Awwwww
Just a thought . . .
Bucky
Bucky, what a brilliant idea! Erin, what do you think?
Kathyx
That does sound like a good idea, but I get the impression that he is a much better cook than I am because he's lived on his own for so long! I may bring it up with him because it would be nice to DO something together. The only thing I am worried about is that I think the potato harvest is a joint effort with his parents, the garden is actually on their property across the road from his house, so that might make it awkward. I guess I will inquire what his plans are and we'll figure something out.
Thanks for the suggestions, keep them coming!
You don't have to make a 9 course meal :)
If he's working, several offerings of lunch meat, a bit of bread and some chips and a cold drink are surely to be appreciated. Whip up some home made potato salad or something. Or, if you went to a mexican place, bring some taco fixings and some shells or similar. If you've eaten with him, you might be able to make some educated guesses if he doesn't like certain foods.
The meal is nice. The company is better.
Best of luck!
Here's a quick, you don't have to impress him with your cooking, lunch:
sub sandwich
chips
veggies or an apple
cookie
drink
Bucky ;D
Thanks for the suggestions!
I really need to hunker down in the kitchen more. This is a great season for soup, and I'd like to find some good recipes to make from scratch. It's tough because of my school/work schedule, and I still live with my parents so it's not always easy to get in and mess up mom's kitchen and not have it affect anyone else. I'm hoping to find an affordable apartment soon that isn't too far from home.
We talked briefly on the phone last night on my drive home from school, and it looks like we might meet for dinner on Friday, and if it doesn't rain on Sunday we could take his dog out and go for a hike. We're going to finalize everything tonight once he figures out if he can get his errands done early enough on Friday and have enough time to meet with me. He sounds really busy on Saturday, and I was too chicken to suggest helping him or coming by with lunch. Maybe if things continue to go well I can suggest that another time.
I'll let you know what we end up doing and how it goes :)
Hi Erin
Have your made your arrangements for the weekend yet? Is your mum as inquisitve as us?
Kathyx
We went out last night for dinner. He offered to pick me up, but I thought that might be weird because I live with my parents so I drove to his house and left my car there. I was really cold yesterday so I was decked out in wool, fleece, and mittens. He drove his company SUV this time because he had a trailer hitched up to the truck with a skid steer on it to lay to gravel on the floor in the new barn. So there was no falling out of the truck for me!
We went to the First & Last Tavern, a great place where they make pizza in wood-fired ovens and they bake all their bread in there, too. I didn't realize this but they have a bakery across the street, my date said their cookies are very good so I'll have to try them some time. We had to wait a while for a booth because there were 2 large parties there that took up most of the tables, but that just made the date longer ;)
The pizza was very good, we each had a Guinness and dessert. I had apple crisp and he had bread pudding. There was only one minor catastrophe when he set his water down on the edge of his bread plate and it spilled across the table into my lap, but it wasn't too bad and I was dry by the time we left. We were the only ones in there when we left because I eat so slowly!
When we got back to his house he drove around back to show me the barn. The moon was really bright so I could see it pretty clearly. That thing is huge! And there were several big piles of gravel lined up in front of it. He seems to have his work cut out for him today. As we drove around the yard I saw all his prized tractors and machines lined up nicely, he can't wait to get them out of the yard and into the barn. He pulled back around front and we got out. We had our first hug, next time I'll be sure to set my food and purse down so I can use both arms. I tried to kiss him on the check, but he's 6'4" and I think I got his neck instead. He gave me a little kiss on the temple and we called it a night.
So far we are still on for hiking on Sunday. There is a state forest near his house and we are going to hike the trail up the mountain there. I've been hiking in that forest before, but never on the trail up the mountain. I hope I can keep up! I've driven up to the top before and there is a nice observation tower, so we'll be able to see some nice foliage when we get to the top. I'm really looking forward to spending more time together, and if the dog comes with us it will be extra fun :)
Erin - sounds like you had a nice evening last night. ;D I love pizza!
Wow, he's tall! :o How tall are you? You'll have to get a little step stool to take on your dates. LOL
Have fun on your hike. Maybe, pick up a big stick or something and use it as a walking stick. Make sure and take some water or something with you. Maybe, take a small backpack or something and put in a few things to eat in case you both get hungry on the hike. (maybe a dog bone too, if you have one ;) )
Enjoy!!
Bucky
Bucky,
He is tall! I'm 5'7" in bare feet and I've always felt pretty tall, but not next to him!
I think I am going to bake cookies this afternoon and I'll bring some in my pack tomorrow for a snack. Maybe I'll make a few without chocolate in them so Dolly can have a treat too. I always take 2 big bottles of water with me when I go on a hike and I usually manage to drain both.
I will let you know how it goes :)
Erin,
Sounds like a lovely weekend for you and your date. Enjoy tomorrow.
Kathyx
Today's hike/date was an adventure, to say the least! This is a long post, so just a warning.
We ended up hiking in the forest behind his house because we wouldn't run into other people with dogs like we would on the trails in the state forest. Apparently Dolly does not get along with other dogs. Towards the end of the hike we were on the road around the corner from his house and we encountered a loose, white frou-frou dog and he had to pick Dolly up and carry her like a baby to keep her from attacking "Sparky."
It had been really cold in the morning, so cold that I was wearing a very warm sweatshirt and mittens and I was still cold. I wore layers for the hike in the afternoon, and I had shed my fleece shortly after we started walking. Not long after that I could feel the sweat running down my face and neck. This is not attractive! I was able to keep up, but I was always a few paces behind him. There really wasn't room to walk side-by-side because we were not on a trail, just whacking through the brush.
I only had a few clumsy or embarrassing moments aside from the profuse sweating. We climbed over a stone wall, and while trying to keep branches from slapping me in the face, my boot lace got tangled in some barbed wire on the top of the wall. After that, I got my shirt and my hair tangled in some brambles just before crossing the brook. Then I lost my balance and almost fell in while I was crossing the rocks. After that it was pretty smooth sailing.
We eventually ended up on state property, and we sat for a while on top of a dry dam while Dolly went swimming in the stream at the bottom. It was nice to just sit and enjoy the quiet without the sounds of traffic. It was so quiet could hear the cows mooing on his friend's farm down the road. We hiked some more, looped around, and came out on the street around the corner from his house. This is where we met Sparky! Dolly only growled a little and Sparky eventually went back to her yard. We stopped at the house he grew up in, which is vacant and for sale. We walked around the yard, he showed me the stump of a tree he had planted as a kid, where they would go sledding, where the garden used to be. He even pointed out the stump of a cherry tree that his parents used to build the cabinets in the house they live in now.
As we turned the corner and walked back to his house, we saw his mom in the field across the street driving a tractor, hauling a load of wood up to the house. When we got back to the house we sat on a bench by the fire where he had cooked his lunch. My date sat down first and the bench toppled over (he went a long with it) because it was just a couple of boards on cinder blocks. He was alright, fixed the bench, but I waited for him to try it out first. It held both of us and we sat there for a while and watched Dolly chase the smoke and try to eat it. We saw his grandparents as they were snooping around the new barn. The barn turned out very nice, I'm glad I got to see it in the daylight with all his toys filling half of it up. He said the primary reason for the barn was for his 1959 John Deere tractor, which is really beautiful...green and shiny!
In all we spent about 2.5 hours together. He had to go do his grocery shopping for the week, and it was starting to get chilly and drizzly. I was so chilly by the time I got home that I changed out of my sweaty clothes, climbed into bed, and took a nap.
We didn't talk about getting together again so I hope that's not a bad sign. Hopefully we'll talk tomorrow night and figure something out then!
Erin - sounds like quite a day! In my mind I can picture everything that happened to you while you were hiking . . . I could see myself doing all of that too. :D
Aren't you glad he sat down on the bench first?! :o
Hey, he knows how to grocery shop and cook. Thumbs up!! ;D
Sounds like you had a lovely day. Bet that nap felt good when you got home too.
Thanks for letting us share in your dating experience. Brings back good memories of when I was dating my husband. ;D Just enjoy each time you and ?? (what is his name, you can make something up - we'd never know) get together. Just remember . . . . it only takes a spark to get a fire going! ;)
Have a great week Erin.
Bucky
His name is Hickory :) It's unusual, but it makes it easy to hear your name called for a dinner reservation!
It's very exciting for me, and I know my posts can be long, but I just have to share!
And yes, I'm glad for once it wasn't me falling! I also got to see the chickens as they were making a lot of noise on the other side of the yard, digging in the leaves for bugs.
It seems he picked up cooking a long time ago because he built his house 7 years ago. And I'm guessing he's pretty good at it because he loves food, and so far we have only eaten at places that are very good. Maybe someday soon we'll get to share a home-cooked meal :)
Erin
You have a lovely way with words. Thank you for telling us about your hike. He sounds like a wonderful young man. I'll keep watching to see how things go.
Kathyx
Thanks Kathyx.
Of course now I'm starting to doubt myself. It's really silly, because I called Hickory last night and left a voicemail. He usually calls back, but he didn't this time. I'm sure he was busy, didn't have his phone with him, or even went to bed early. But there's always that little negative voice in the back of my head.
I worry too much!
Erin, take a deep breath. There could be lots of reasons he didn't call back, but it still early days yet. Try not to get anxious, you know he's a busy bee, so don't beat yourself up (said in a mummy bear voice :)
Kathyx
I'm doing a little better today, thanks Kathyx.
I have been in a horrible mood all week...very hormonal, on the verge of tears almost all the time, over-stressed and over-tired due to too much going on at work, and I've been staying up late to complete school assignments. The weather has been very strange, unseasonabley warm, rainy...all together it has made this a very strange week!
I am feeling a little better today, it is unseasonably warm again, but sunny. I got a little more sleep last night than I have been lately, and I have time today to stay late at work if I need to to get things done.
I just hope it continues to get better and I get a call from Hickory tonight. I'm keeping my fingers crossed! And I have an appointment with the nephrologist tomorrow, so I hope that goes well too.
Hi Erin
Wishing you all the very best for your appointment tomorrow - and on hearing from Hickory.
Hugs
Kathyx
Well, the week didn't get any better after all.
Hickory called tonight and said he had given it a lot of thought and he doesn't have the time for a relationship right now.
I feel broken. My insides hurt in a way that for once isn't the Sjogren's or my kidneys.
(((Erin))) . . . . I'm so sorry. I know you're sad about this right now . . but, I wouldn't write him off yet. He just seems pretty busy right now and maybe he didn't feel it was fair to you because he's busy and he couldn't give you the time and attention he wanted to.
Give him some time and I'm hoping he'll pick that phone up and call you and say, "Erin, want go grab a bite to eat and catch up?".
Go ahead and have a cry - it will help.
There's a lot of guys out there and they are looking for a soul mate too . . . keep looking. When you least expect it, there he'll be . . it happened to me.
Sending you a BIG hug . . . .
Bucky
Writing down how I felt helped me stop crying. I ended up typing a letter, then hand-writing it and I just dropped it in the mail. I'm not expecting a response of any sort, but I wanted to let him know how I feel and that I don't hold anything against him for it....
Hickory,
I understand what it?s like not having enough time to do everything.
I?ve spent the last 4 years of my life working hard to become successful and respected at my job. I have even managed to make the dean?s list 3 out of the 4 semesters that part-time students are eligible for it at CCSU. In January 2009 when I was diagnosed with kidney disease, as well as an auto-immune disease called Sjogren?s syndrome that seems to have caused my kidney problems, managing my health was piled on to my already full plate. It was practically a full-time job. Doctor visits, medications, CAT scans, x-rays, ultrasounds, biopsies, and endless rounds of bloodwork took over my life. I was put on high doses of steroids and I gained 45 pounds in 9 months. Most women usually get a baby, usually twins, after 45lbs and 9 months! It was very scary learning that my body was attacking itself and there was nothing I could do to reverse the damage. I was very unhappy about a lot of things so I decided I had to make a change, even if it was a small one.
After Christmas I joined the gym, like half of America does every year. I made myself go every day that I didn?t have class, even though I was physically and emotionally exhausted and I felt like I didn?t have any time or energy for it. I pretty much gave up watching TV, and I love TV. I missed the final season of Lost! Instead of going home after work and climbing into bed at 6:30, I would go to the gym and sweat like a beast for an hour or two. It has taken me 10 months to lose 25 of the 45lbs I had gained last year. I started to feel better physically, I had more energy, and I had a better outlook on things. I even thought I might meet a nice guy at the gym, but I?m too shy to even say hello to anyone.
I joined eHarmony again because I don?t want to be alone forever. Things with my heath seemed to be stable, work was still busy as heck, but school was winding down. I hadn?t gone on a date with anyone this time around until I was matched with you. I had actually planned to cancel my subscription until you emailed, and I waited until I got your phone number. I hadn?t been on a date in 3 or 4 years, and I was never any good at dating. The first date was usually the last. I?ve been in one serious relationship, it lasted 2 years and I knew from the beginning that he never wanted to get married or have a family. A serious conflict for me, but I stayed in it anyway. I had one on-again off-again relationship shortly after that and it was a complete disaster. I know I?m not good at dating, it terrifies me. You probably guessed that from our first date because I must have been visibly nervous, if not shaking.
I guess the point I?m trying to make is that at some point you?re going to have to give something up to let someone in, and I think you know that. I know my ramblings are a little unclear and I apologize. We all wish there were more hours in the day to get everything done, but sometimes we have to make a sacrifice to create the time. I know you are passionate about everything you devote your time to, except dishes and laundry. But in the end something?s got to give, and you?re going to want to do it sooner rather than later so you don?t have any regrets at the end of your life. I?m sure your family would love to see you find the right girl, especially your grandparents.
I really enjoyed all the time I spent with you and spent talking with you. I?m selfish and I wish there could have been more of it. I like you a lot and I?m glad I got to know you. I?m not going to lie and say I?ll be fine and move on, because I am upset and it?s difficult for me to bounce back. I?m actually surprised I made it until the end of our phone call before I started sobbing. I don?t see myself actively pursuing dating again for a while. I?m not trying to make you feel guilty, I just want you to know that this brief friendship we shared meant a lot to me. I won?t forget it.
I really wish you all the best, Hickory. You are wonderful, caring, and kind, and I hope sometime in the near future you are able to do what?s necessary to make time for someone special. Even if it?s not me. Any girl would be lucky to share her time with you.
Give Dolly a good rub for me. She?s a great critter and I?m glad I got to meet her, too.
Erin - what a heartfelt letter you wrote to Hickory. It will give him something to think about.
Do you have any siblings or girlfriends that can help you get over this shyness? Shyness can cause a lot of missed opportunities too (been there, done that). Some times you just have to force yourself to go places and strike up conversations even though your insides and knees are shaking! ;) The more you do it, the easier it becomes.
Find something fun to do this weekend and try not to focus on this all weekend.
Hugs,
Bucky
Hi Erin
I'm so sorry to hear that Hickory is too busy for a relationship just now. I think your letter might just get him thinking, and hopefully, he will send you a considered reply.
'Til then, don't give up. You have got through much harder things than this. Keep your dignity and love yourself for now. Your day will come, when some lucky guy falls for you hook, line and sinker.
Big hugs.
Kathyx
It hasn't been easy the past couple of weeks. I'm trying to keep busy, which isn't hard because I have a ton to do for work, but when I get home I just feel really down and lonely. I just want to spend all my time in bed.
I made a couple of steps in the direction of moving forward. The day before Hickory and I started communicating I had signed up for match.com for 6 months, so I updated my profile and I started looking around. I haven't heard back from any of the people I emailed so far, which is ok I guess because I probably wouldn't be the best company right now anyways.
I also reactivated my eHarmony account and filled my profile out again. I had deleted all the details after Hickory ended things because I was so upset, and he would see it if he looked at my profile. Being a paying member allows you to see who's been viewing your profile....and Hickory looked at mine on Sunday. This isn't helping me move on! This made a whole string of questions fly through my head, a bunch of what-if's. It's given me hope that maybe he'll reach out to me soon, which isn't realistic at all.
I almost want to call and apologize about sending the letter. I don't regret sending it, but I'm afraid it made him feel even more guilty about his decision. I really miss talking to him, it was nice to to hear about his day and to tell him about mine.
At this point I don't know what I'm going to do. I just had a feeling from the beginning that this was supposed to WORK and for some reason I can't accept that it won't. I don't want to let go of it, but I don't want to make a fool of myself by hanging on.
I need a life transplant!
Hi Erin,
I know you are wanting to settle down and find a soul mate. As you have heard - there are a lot of fish in the sea and plenty of frogs to kiss.
I have a little story to share with you. Once upon a time, many, many years ago - I was set up on a double date. I knew from the beginning that this other couple (whom I did not know) was trying to play matchmaker for this guy. This guy - Dave, was an only child and both his parents were deceased. Dave was a literal millionaire. :o ;D All this other couple did all evening was to keep hinting that Dave was looking for a wife, wanted to have a family, could provide, etc., etc. I didn't enjoy that "date" at all. I felt too much pressure. I can't remember if we had a second date or not, but I was the one who didn't want to continue dating.
Sure, my dream was to some day marry and have a family too - but, I wanted to get to know the guy FIRST, and then progress the friendship if things clicked, etc. I didn't want it forced down my throat.
I'm not saying you are doing this, but some people - both guys AND girls, only focus on one thing. I want a life partner and I'm going to find him/her by May 2011. When they are dating, they kinda smother the other person with this information from the very beginning. It's good to know from the get go if this is just a casual friendship for dinner, movies, etc. or possibly a soul mate in the making - but, it can be overwhelming too.
Knowing what you want in life is a good thing. But, being desperate to fulfill that dream can sabotage things.
I have to admit that Dave was a tad bit "strange" - and I doubt anything would have ever evolved from dating him. But, one never knows.
~ ~
I think I've told this other story before, but I met my husband on a blind date. A mutual friend introduced us and we had a long distance friendship. We wrote letters back and forth first, then he phoned me. We had been corresponding back and forth for six weeks before I ever met him in person. I knew from talking to him on the phone, that if nothing else ever developed with our relationship, that I had found a new friend.
People that Andrew knew were trying to find him a wife (ahhh, friends). They knew he was a shy, nice guy and would make someone a great catch if only given a chance. My friend that introduced us said she thought we'd make a great couple. She was so excited to call me and tell me about Andrew. Well, we were first introduced to each other back in 1991 and I have to agree . . . we make a great couple! ;D
Maybe, Hickory is just checking to see if you are moving on - or, maybe, just maybe - you'll still be "available". You know, you could be "friends" with Hickory and who knows, it might evolve into finding your soul mate. It can happen. ;) If you are just looking for some friendship - someone to go out to eat with, catch a movie, talk to on the phone and ask about each others day - you don't have to "date". Maybe, Hickory wouldn't feel the pressure and you both could enjoy each others company.
Like I mentioned, I knew I would be "friends" with Andrew just from talking to him. Marrying him was the icing on the cake. :D One can't have too many friends.
Maybe, you could call Hickory up and say you enjoyed his company and was wondering if he wanted to go dutch treat out to eat at xxx. To be "friends" without the pressure of "dating". Or something along that line - that is, if YOU are interested. (You know how it is with your girlfriends - you get together every now and then to catch up on what's going on - but, it's not something you do EVERY week, etc.) There wouldn't be the pressure.
Think about it . . . . . I'm still routing for Hickory. ;)
Hugs,
Bucky
Erin
Sorry to hear you have been feeling so low and lonely. It's strange how you can be surrounded by people, but still feel lonely, isn't it?
Mrs Bucky is one wise lady. Her plan sounds a good one to me.
Sending you lots of hugs.
Kathyx
Here it goes.
I'm giving dating another shot.
I have a date tonight with a very nice guy. We met on match.com over the weekend and we have been talking almost non-stop since then. He's picking me up after work tonight and we're going out for dinner, then we're going to catch the Harry Potter movie.
I'm starting to get nervous because he'll be here in about 90 minutes...I will keep you posted on how everything goes :)
Brilliant Erin - I'm waiting to hear all about it BUT be careful - I really worry about online dating, although I know many people do it.
Kathyx
Thanks Kathy, I worry about it too, sometimes.
The date went really well, we have a lot in common and we ended up spending 8 hours together. After dinner and the movie we went to a bar down the street from where I work and talked until closing. Then we went to Denny's and talked some more. Oh, and he brought me flowers, Raisinets for the movie, and a CD of music he thought I'd like. I guess that's the modern version of a mix tape, right? We both had a great time. We've been spending hours on the phone every night and we had our second date yesterday.
We met at a shopping plaza and we drove up to Northampton, MA (I drove this time, we're taking turns on driving). I had never been there before and I had always wanted to go, it's a great college town with lots of small, unique shops, bars, and restaurants. We spent the afternoon walking around and going in all the shops. I even got some Christmas shopping done (and I plan to go back for more). We grabbed dinner and headed back on the backroads. We stopped at his house and I met his dog, a black pug named Cooper. We watched TV for a while and went back to the shopping plaza so he could get his car and I could head home.
So far it looks like the beginning of something good. He's very sweet, respectful, and honest. We are both looking forward to getting together again :)
Erin
Erin
That's so nice that you found someone so caring and considerate, and values your company. Good for you! I'll be watching to see how things go.
Well done with the Christmas shopping. I don't know about you, but I find it harder each year to find individual presents. It seems like lots of people don't really need anything - if they do, they've bought it themselves. So, this year, I've had to think outside the box. My d-i-l to be has a pearl necklace to wear on her wedding day - which is something she really wanted. Son No. 1 has a DVD and some wine, Son No 2 has a jug kettle to plug into the cigarette lighter in his van. He's an electrician, so struggles to get a hot drink during his working day, and son No. 3 has a contribution towards his annual football pass. DH has a contribution towards a kindle, and my mum is having a big button cell phone. The kids are having toys and clothes. I'm not quite done yet, but am getting there.
Speak soon.
Kathyx
Kathy,
I still have a lot of Christmas shopping left to do, too. My sister's birthday is this week and my mom's birthday is ON Christmas, so I have to buy double for them and it can be tough. I won't really be able to do any more shopping until after I finish school on the 15th, so I will be pressed for time! And I don't really know what anyone wants, either...
But back to the dating....Shawn and I are getting along very well. We talk on the phone every night and we usually stay up too late doing it. We have been on 3 dates, each one of them has been great. We talked about it last week and we are an "official" committed couple. I just can't describe how it feels to have someone tell me I look pretty and tell me I'm sweet. No man has every said that to me before. We live about 50 minutes away from each other, but he lives about 20 minutes away from where I work. We are taking turns driving and paying for dates and it seems to be working out well, I feel guilty when the guy pays every time.
Right now he has an awful cold, I thought he caught it from me but his symptoms are much worse. He is sleeping a lot and we haven't spoken on the phone the past few nights because his throat has been very sore and weak. I'm hoping he feels better by the end of the week so we can meet up again.
Erin
Erin
That's lovely news. I'm smiling like a Cheshire cat for you! Yes, there's lots of bugs going around at the moment. It seems that the couple of weeks before Christmas is always peak time for colds and flu. My OH has manflu at the moment. He's fast asleep in an armchair, snoring away. It's evening here, so I'll be waking him soon to go to bed.
I'll keep my fingers crossed that Shaun is well again soon - and that you get that shopping done.
Hugs
Kathyx