Author Topic: Sjogren's and Dating  (Read 2343 times)

wildforwater

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Sjogren's and Dating
« on: April 24, 2014, 01:29:08 PM »
I think I eventually may want to start dating after a long hiatus mainly due to being too sick to have any desire.  So many of you have loving and understanding partners who are there for you, and it would be nice to have the same.  And I really could use someone to take out the garbage.  ;D

My predicament is how do I word my profile to put on one of those sites?  I?m thinking:

"Single Women, with tons of autoimmune and other stuff going on, in search of a Single Man for possible long-term relationship.  Must be patient, kind, loving, understanding, giving, easygoing, and tolerant, as well as be able to take care of me when I can't get out of bed for days. Must enjoy quiet evenings at home virtually all of the time, totally understand when I'm not up for company, and always be ready to cancel any social plans we've made at a moment?s notice due to my illness.  Being a rheumatologist would be an added "perk."

Think any guy will jump on this?    ???

But really, I'd love to hear about your dating/relationship experiences after getting sick and how that's working for your now.  Maybe it will help me muster up the courage to give it a try?or have me running for the hills!  Okay, maybe slowing walking towards the hills. :)

Maria
Sjogren's; Hashimoto's Thyroiditis; Raynaud's Syndrome; GERD; Barrett's Esophagus; Gilbert's Syndrome; Tremors; SFN; Osteoporosis; Osteoarthritis; Lyme 2003 & Lyme/Babesiosis 2010; OB; Plaquenil; Evoxac; Restasis; Prevacid; Synthroid; Prozac;Estrace Cream; Vitamin D.

litliwlowa

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Re: Sjogren's and Dating
« Reply #1 on: April 24, 2014, 07:44:55 PM »
Hi Maria

Wisdom pearl - do NOT advertise your vulnerability. It is a sad reality that dating sites are also frequented by disingenuous individuals. When you advertise your vulnerability, with the best of intentions, unfortunately it puts you out there as a target for some very skilled toads that do nothing but sit in internet cafes looking for someone they can target. That is their "job". The unbelievable amount of funds bilked out of dating scams is beyond the pale and for many the consequences devastating beyond measure.

I used to belong to a yahoo group (I still do, but I haven't been on there in recent years) that was specifically formed as support for individuals (male and female) who had been victimized by dating scams. I can check tomorrow and see if the group is still active. I know the woman who started it was very ill last I heard.

Proceed with caution in other words.

Know the red flags. If it's an instant online chemistry, red flag. I would suggest if you are choosing this route to meet someone, that you research a bit on romancescams. I can PM you later with more detail on what to look for on red flags. Red flags mean "get more information and ramp up your situational awareness". When in doubt boot him out.

Abusers also frequent dating sites. All the more reason NOT to advertise your vulnerability. They'll say all the right things you need to hear, be like Mr. Right. Oh he'll have red flags alright, but do learn how to recognize those red flags.

Helpful hint: if you are choosing this route to meet "someone to take out the trash", go for an early first meeting in a very public place. Don't give out your personal info (i.e. don't give your last name and address for him to pick you up for that first date), etc.

Another tip: just because a dating site is called a nice warm fuzzy name in no way guarantees that there are no toads. For example, some advertise as Christian sites. That suggests oh they must be all good people in there (depending of course of one's perception of what a Christian is supposed to represent). Even those sites are vulnerable to fakes.

Proceed with caution in other words. And please do some research on the risks involved in online dating. Not one site is impermeable to scammers and other opportunists. That's not a reflection on any particular dating site, rather a statement of reality.

Feel free to PM if you have more questions.

An option to meet people you may want to consider (depending on where you are) is exploring the meetup groups in your area. Several around, that generally have shared interests groups. Even if you are only up to that once in a while, it still give you an opportunity to have more socialization.

I used to be on dating sites then quit. So many scammers it was unbelievable. And the few I decided to meet in public place - well no disrespect to the guy sjoggies, but geesh for the most part they must have left the head above their ears at home. Either that or they had a condo between the ears for rent?

Hugs

Amanda
« Last Edit: April 24, 2014, 07:48:39 PM by litliwlowa »
SJS-Primary; Hashi's, Post surgical hypothyroidism, Hypoparathyroidism, Spondylolithesis, L&C Facet Arthropathy, Fibro, gluten intolerance, TBI, Radiculopathies, Neuralgias, Osteopenia, GERD, Asthma, Allergies. Sphincter Dyssynergia. OSA, Fasciitis, Cervical Spondylosis, Cancer, etc etc etc

wildforwater

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Re: Sjogren's and Dating
« Reply #2 on: April 25, 2014, 01:41:28 PM »
Wow, Amanda, thanks for all the advice.  All kidding aside from my post, I really did want to know if you let the person know about you illness before the date or on subsequent dates. I have a habit of giving out too much info too soon.  I think you totally changed my mind about online dating. Probably easier to take out my own garbage. I'm too tired anyway.  :)

Hugs,
Maria
Sjogren's; Hashimoto's Thyroiditis; Raynaud's Syndrome; GERD; Barrett's Esophagus; Gilbert's Syndrome; Tremors; SFN; Osteoporosis; Osteoarthritis; Lyme 2003 & Lyme/Babesiosis 2010; OB; Plaquenil; Evoxac; Restasis; Prevacid; Synthroid; Prozac;Estrace Cream; Vitamin D.

litliwlowa

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Re: Sjogren's and Dating
« Reply #3 on: April 25, 2014, 02:57:58 PM »
Wow, Amanda, thanks for all the advice.  All kidding aside from my post, I really did want to know if you let the person know about you illness before the date or on subsequent dates. I have a habit of giving out too much info too soon.  I think you totally changed my mind about online dating. Probably easier to take out my own garbage. I'm too tired anyway.  :)

Hugs,
Maria
Maria, that is a very good question.

Personally, I would only disclose on a need to know basis. Allow me to explain. A lot of that is a judgment call on your part.

A first meeting is just that, a first meeting. At that point, the man is only an acquaintance - still more of a stranger really and as such has no need to know.

That being said, on a case by case basis, balance in your decision how often you have been out with this man, what is he looking for vs what are you looking for.

Do a lot of listening, pay attention to his attitudes about things such as illness, or the disabled, or perhaps he has co-workers in that spot and maybe is understanding or maybe has a real negative perception of those people. That sort of listening. Also, listen to HIS interests and activities. If you know that those are not within your ability to do any longer, that's a good open door to begin to approach your limitations.

When I was meeting up with someone met on dating site, I pretty much felt that by the third date, it was time to begin (key word begin) getting a temperature check on what his opinions were about values (which also has a role in chronic illness)

Very few that I met via dating site went beyond 1st meeting. In a first meeting, personally I didn't feel an obligation to "bare my soul" about my medical problems, That kind of trust (which yes does flow both ways) takes time to develop. I got to the point that if I heard ONE MORE TIME at a first meeting "I had no idea you were so beautiful from your picture"...I was done and many times in that circumstance thanked the guy for meeting but best we not continue with dinner or whatever our plans were, but not in an ugly way - rather in a respectful way. 

Plus even if chatting online with a potential guy is still not knowing that person enough to disclose your personal business to. Even if chatting with a guy for several months. Oh, that is a common approach used by scammers. Keep you in chat for months, they typically fall in love quickly, have a myriad of reasons NOT to meet you early one. You get an interest like that, best to err on the part of caution and go NEXT.

My practice, if after initial back and forth communications there was shared interest in meeting, I went for early meeting from the first online hello. I can assess better if that person is on the up and up face to face. Put brain in gear before engaging emotions.

Now, as I have VISIBLE challenges as obvious due to my knee braces - THAT I would disclose if we were going to meet. Made it easier for one thing for him to find me in a crowded public place (LOL), plus if that part bothered him - well no point in meeting at all, as if he can't handle visible challenges - unlikely he will be able to accept invisible challenges.

If a relationship begins to develop to a deeper level, by all means it then becomes necessary that the guy have the opportunity to make an informed decision on whether that part of you is something he can handle on a sustained or potentially permanent basis.

My preference is not to disclose too quickly. Some people may perceive that as being deceptive. But in reality, it is not - it is about balancing discernment with self-preservation and taking the time to know who you are associating with.

The reality is that chronic illness does affect our self esteem to varying degrees thereby resulting in increased vulnerability.

As you how you phrase your profile? Life experience has taught me that look for a relationship, odds are not going to find one. Relationships don't fall into our laps. They develop over time.
looking for friends with common interests. I was content to have a friendship, and if something more developed that was mutual, even better. If not, that was okay too.

I think you will know when the time is right to discuss your medical situation. I go on my "gut hunch sense" on a lot of things, and it's proven to be more spot on reliable for me.

Another tip? Do not allow anyone to objectify you. Such as "oh you're so perfect" or similar terminology, such as not even met face to face and aleady the guy is in love with you - RED FLAG with sirens. In that circumstance, he doesn't KNOW you to love you.

By the way, there isn't anything I've said here that I wouldn't say to a man considering a dating site. Even men get scammed, even men get objectified.


Hugs
Amanda
SJS-Primary; Hashi's, Post surgical hypothyroidism, Hypoparathyroidism, Spondylolithesis, L&C Facet Arthropathy, Fibro, gluten intolerance, TBI, Radiculopathies, Neuralgias, Osteopenia, GERD, Asthma, Allergies. Sphincter Dyssynergia. OSA, Fasciitis, Cervical Spondylosis, Cancer, etc etc etc

quietdynamics

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Re: Sjogren's and Dating
« Reply #4 on: April 26, 2014, 04:16:49 PM »
Hello wildforwater..
I used a few dating sites and met some really nice people, which otherwise I would not have.

I always did it safe. Met in the daytime. No shared cars. And I left 'their name and phone number in my car.
 Lunch in a town (I wanted to see anyway).
I would try to pick one that had art galleriers, antique shops, etc.. plenty of opportunities to talk about things we were seeing.  Outdoor concerts, fairs, etc.

There are plenty of men out there who are working hard and do not do the bar or club thing at night and really would like a date to go wander and chit-chat.

So you don't have to drop medical bombs on 'strangers'. We all accumulate 'baggage' along the life path.

I was upfront that I would not be a text/internet buddy.. some people are lonely. 

I did meet DH on the net.. I contacted him.
And some others I am still friends with... and they had medical issues not in their profiles. One sadly passed. He is missed. I feel blessed to have known him. Really so many great men out there, one wanted to take me for a ride in his plane to see NYC.. I did not go, but, I thought that was very nice of him to offer. Adventures.

It is a contact.. a way to make an acquaintance and broaden your experiences and broaden some else's too.

Just do not pick someone who wants a partner to go hard core mountain climbing.  ;)
Use the items you wrote in "These are a few of our favorite things " thread .. leave out # 14...lol
« Last Edit: April 26, 2014, 04:23:52 PM by quietdynamics »
Sjogrens ANA 1:640; SS-A/B+; Fibro; IBS; Neuro symptoms,Thyroid Anti-bodies; Ocular Rosacea, Livedo reticularis,

"You can't have a positive life with a  negative mind"

litliwlowa

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Re: Sjogren's and Dating
« Reply #5 on: April 26, 2014, 04:43:20 PM »
I've met some really nice people that way as well. Ending up friends, none of us interested in dating, just friends with shared interests.

One as it turned out was a sleep specialist - can't recall the proper title but that was his specialty just short of his PhD, but he was very instrumental in assisting me with my ENT few years back to get switched from CPAP to BiPap. Another guy was a once world renowned concert pianist who was absolutely delightful to interact with. Met his family, all high caliber musicians. Brilliantly creative and we would have the most interesting discussions and try to out do each other on poetry writing and the like.

That's a couple of examples of good experiences that I would not have had, had I not chosen to go on dating site.

So good things CAN come out of these dating sites. I have even female friends across the miles developed off discussion boards in a particular dating site that had better discussion boards than it had "good guys" lol.

@QD Very happy that it turned out well for you and DH.
SJS-Primary; Hashi's, Post surgical hypothyroidism, Hypoparathyroidism, Spondylolithesis, L&C Facet Arthropathy, Fibro, gluten intolerance, TBI, Radiculopathies, Neuralgias, Osteopenia, GERD, Asthma, Allergies. Sphincter Dyssynergia. OSA, Fasciitis, Cervical Spondylosis, Cancer, etc etc etc

wildforwater

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Re: Sjogren's and Dating
« Reply #6 on: April 28, 2014, 09:51:52 AM »
Thank you both for the good advice, sharing some of your experiences, and for letting me see both sides of the picture!  I may give it a try if I can muster up the engergy.  :)  And quietdynamics, I will definitely leave out #14.  ;)

Hugs,
Maria
Sjogren's; Hashimoto's Thyroiditis; Raynaud's Syndrome; GERD; Barrett's Esophagus; Gilbert's Syndrome; Tremors; SFN; Osteoporosis; Osteoarthritis; Lyme 2003 & Lyme/Babesiosis 2010; OB; Plaquenil; Evoxac; Restasis; Prevacid; Synthroid; Prozac;Estrace Cream; Vitamin D.