Author Topic: Mothers in law  (Read 3238 times)

slccom

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Mothers in law
« on: September 30, 2013, 10:05:51 AM »
MILs! Love them or hate them, or somewhere in between. The sad thing when they mistreat their DIL who is married to their disabled son, the result is that you see a lot less of your son than you might have.

Of course, it helps if you son actually wants to spend time with you!

Mine never learned to love. Sad, but it doesn't mean that I have to inflict her on me!

Sharon

Velcro

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Re: Mothers in law
« Reply #1 on: September 30, 2013, 11:07:04 AM »
I agree with what Elaine said.  I am the mother of two sons, and I knew that when the time came, the loyalties would shift to the wife, as they should.  Now that being said, I had a horrible first MIL that only saw that I took her baby away and never forgave me for it.  She was mean to me every chance she got.  I vowed then that when my kids got grown, I would never be that way, and I'm not.  Still ended up with one DIL that loves me and the other doesn't.  Haven't done anything to them and she didn't do anything to me, just different personalities.

This time, I have a lovely MIL!

jpd54

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Re: Mothers in law
« Reply #2 on: September 30, 2013, 11:51:17 AM »
 I am becoming a mother-in-law for the first time Saturday.  Our daughter is getting married in Atlanta.

 Wish me luck!!!
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lighthouse33

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Re: Mothers in law
« Reply #3 on: September 30, 2013, 01:05:02 PM »
One of my female friends may have a weird sense of humor, but when her daughter recently married; she posted this on Facebook:

"Well I guess I'm officially an outlaw."  I must be pretty dense because at first I didn't get it, must be brain fog, but eventually I laughed.
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Carolina

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Re: Mothers in law
« Reply #4 on: September 30, 2013, 02:38:28 PM »
You know, most of the MIL jokes, in the past, were written by men, about their wives' mothers.  But the wife's mother is almost never the problem.

It is the saying:  A son is a son, 'til he takes a wife
                         A daughter is a daughter for the rest of your life.

There are many cultures where the son's mother always lives with new daughter in law. Or rather the new daughter in law moves into the family home of the son. These are almost never happy stories when they are written about. Even when the MIL remembers how miserably her MIL treated HER, she inflicts the same damage on her new DIL.

I guess that's why that saying exists, the one about sons and daughters, and the difference.

I know that I've also heard that the relationship between a mother and her son is the closest to a perfect relationship of parent and child.
Sons never become as critical of their mothers as daughters do....but then, they get married!  As they should.

And so it goes.  It is interesting to watch, for sure.

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Elaine
« Last Edit: October 04, 2013, 09:39:54 AM by Carolina »
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Cassi307

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Re: Mothers in law
« Reply #5 on: September 30, 2013, 03:01:23 PM »
I am becoming a mother-in-law for the first time Saturday.  Our daughter is getting married in Atlanta.

 Wish me luck!!!
Congratulations! Hope you have a wonderful time at the wedding!
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Liz D.

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Re: Mothers in law
« Reply #6 on: October 01, 2013, 05:54:01 AM »
When I was getting married over 26 years ago, I was marrying the oldest son of a family with four boys.  He was the first to get married.  Now in my family, I am one of only two girls and my sister and I were very close to our mother.

My mother gave me the wisest advice when I got engaged.  She pointed out that my new MIL would never have a daughter to go try wedding dresses on, plan a wedding, etc. and I should include her with us in all those things.  And for me to remember that once a son does marry, he does become his own family with me so don't forget he has a mother.  (She knew a daughter can get married and never forget her mother.) So I tried very hard to make sure my MIL was shown as much love after we were married and I can honestly say I became the daughter she never had.  We are extremely close.  Don't get me wrong -- we have had our arguments, but we are like flesh and blood.

The rest of her boys all married and moved out and my FIL died 8 years ago.  She recently lost her best friend in death three weeks ago and has been so thankful to me that we have been as close as we have been.  She says she would really be lost without me . . . and I believe her.

But I really have to thank my own mother for giving me the advice first to try to be close to her.  I don't know if I would have thought of it on my own since she still had family living at home when I got married.  But I can see now what my Mom said is true about sons, and what Elaine said in a previous post, "A daughter is a daughter for the rest of her life. A son is a son until he takes a wife."

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slccom

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Re: Mothers in law
« Reply #7 on: October 01, 2013, 09:14:50 AM »
Caroline, I am anything but insecure! My MIL has been nothing but hateful towards me, and I choose to not spend any time with her after some of the things she has pulled. Of course, she is hateful towards most other people as well, including her own son.

I do take my disabled husband up to see her, but he has to go in to visit. And he, oddly enough, doesn't really feel like doing it very much. And we can't afford to go often. When we first married, and Jerry wasn't disabled, we lived 2,000 miles away. Smartest move we ever made!

Sons should not have to choose between their wife and mother. If one or the other forces him to choose due to bad behavior, then shame on them!

Liz, I could have had that kind of relationship with my MIL had she been receptive. Her loss! I am very happy for you that you have such a great MIL. And a mother!

My mother was treated horribly by her MIL. She has been wonderful to my husband. And was very nice to my brother's ex-wife. (That is another story. There is a good reason why she is an ex! She and her family were very abusive towards my brother.)

Sharon


Velcro

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Re: Mothers in law
« Reply #8 on: October 01, 2013, 10:22:01 AM »
Sons should not have to choose between their wife and mother. If one or the other forces him to choose due to bad behavior, then shame on them!

Sharon

In my personal experience and of those I know of, this pretty much sums it up.  As much as my first MIL was horrible, I would have never dreamed of trying to keep her Son or grandchildren from having a relationship with her.   Didn't mean I had to go get pedicures with her, but I encouraged their relationship.  I feel the same about the opposite side, if the MIL is horrible, then the DIL shouldn't be expected by the hubby to go around if she doesn't want to.  It takes both sides to work out compromises and if one side will not, game over.

connie50

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Re: Mothers in law
« Reply #9 on: October 01, 2013, 04:15:03 PM »
My MIL is  very kind and generous and for some reason she really "likes" me, not that I'm not likeable but I'm
not used to another mother showing me more affection then my own mother is capable of.

My MIL lives with us and I see first hand " that a son is a son until he gets married" in action.  My MIL still wants to treat her nearly 60 year old son as her "little boy" and my husband wants no part of it, so they battle.
He loves her dearly, which is why she lives with us, but resents her treating him like a child in his own home.

Truth be told, for the strife it's caused in our household we both agreed we probably wouldn't do it again.  I've already told my parents to make other plans because it ain't happening ( of course in a gentle way)

Now my husband would say my mother is selfish and unkind, and he would be right.  As mentioned above she
is incapable of showing affection.  To me she says things like, I baked a cake and I have a piece for you , it's a small piece so don't share it with your husband.  It happened a couple of times and I finally got fed up and told her not to give me something and say I'm not to share, it's rude and we don't do that in our house. 

Or the other day I told her we are thinking of getting a new car, her response was how did my husband talk me into that?  Imagine her shock when I told her it was my idea. 

Christmas is the worst- she gets me several gifts and gives my husband a token gift, if it wasn't for my father she probably wouldn't get him anything.  She'll never learn that her behavior is rude and she should not wonder why my husband doesn't really care to go over there.

Ahhh , MIL's, love them or hate them or somewhere in between like slccom said.

eye2dry

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Re: Mothers in law
« Reply #10 on: October 01, 2013, 04:52:24 PM »
I prefer to spend my time with my MIL than my own mother.

My MIL is very giving, friendly, loving, considerate........

She now lives 2 hours away and I just love to visit her and my FIL,

I feel relaxed around her and loved.

Best of all....she raised my husband to be the man he is....she did a great job.

My MIL never had a daughter of her own and I am very happy to be able to fill that place.


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