Author Topic: Suicide  (Read 11612 times)


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Re: Suicide
« Reply #45 on: June 19, 2012, 04:36:53 PM »
I too am so sorry to hear how torn you are about your future. None of us know exactly what our futures hold. You sound like a strong and independant is time to let yourself be somewhat dependant on your husband. Thats waht marriage is about.. Can you take FMLA from work for a while so that you can start seeing a therapist, get some antidepressants and let them start working and get some rest. Once you relieve the stress of work, you can think more clearly..knowing your job will still be there if you want to return to it.
There are other options out there for you...tutoring, teaching online..sometimes you have to think outside of the box..
Your children and husband need whatever capacity you can be there for them..when i think back to growing up, i usually go back to the small things my mom and dad did for me thta made me feel special..spending time with me, was always the most important thing..
I understand the concern for the bad will it be etc..but you need to LIVE in the now and the future will take care of will know what the answers are for you when and if the time comes.
I hope you do not feel you have to resort to suicide...although it may make sense to you it will never make sense to your family...unless you have been close to doing it, you dont understand someones thinking..
wishing you all the best....remember to breathe!!


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Re: Suicide
« Reply #46 on: June 19, 2012, 06:28:01 PM »
Kelly - I hope you will consider reducing your hours working so you can help to reduce some of the added stress in your life. 

With that being said, I would be real careful what you tell your employer.  Remember, they are NOT in your ball court, even though it might appear they are.  Also, if you do negotiate some reduction in hours, etc. - get it in writing!

At times, when work responsibilities, family responsibilities, health issues all pile up at the same time - it can be overwhelming.  It might seem like one more straw will break the camels back . . . enough is enough!

Can any of your doctors help with the situation?  Do you have FMLA papers on file?

Sometimes it's the darkest just before dawn.  It can feel like we are existing underneath a black cloud that is just following us everywhere we go.  But . .. tomorrow is a new day . . . new beginnings, new outlook.  New hope.  Not to break out in song . . . but . . . . "the sun'll will come out . . tomorrow . . bet your bottom dollar . . that tomorrow . . . there'll be sun!" 

For myself, suicide is not an option.  There are no guarantees in life.  There will be good times, bad times, healthy times and times when we struggle.  That's all part of life.  The good, the bad, the ugly.

I've known several people who took their own lives.  It's sad . . . very sad.

At least two of them were healthy people - so there wasn't the "illness" factor involved.  I just have a hard time wrapping my head around the "why" part of it all.  Everyone has their own struggles in life.  Many times we don't know the full story of their day-to-day lives.

One of them, was a young teenager . . . who had her whole life ahead of her.  What could be so terrible to a 15 yr. old?  They haven't even really lived life yet - they are still finding their way in life. I realize about peer pressure, bullying, low self esteem, boyfriends, school, parents, etc. I didn't walk in her shoes, I don't know the answer.  Many times, people let others influence them - put ideas into their heads.  I won't go into all the what if's . . there's always lots of those.  But . . . it does leave lasting impressions on people. Her fellow classmates - what are they to think?  When the going gets tough, bail out?  I don't know.  What about the fellow classmates who saw her standing beside the busy highway next to her car clutching a stuffed animal and didn't stop to see if she needed help, to only learn later that day, that she chose to step into the path of an 18-wheeler as it passed by her.  What about that truck driver who will be riddled with guilt for the rest of his life for killing a teenager who purposely stepped in front of him as he drove down the road?  It forever changed him and his family.  That day ended this young girls "suffering", but created much heartache for innocent people, who without consent or knowledge, became part of her "plan"

Or a friend who decided enough is enough.  Weren't her husband, adult kids, her loving grandchildren, and friends enough for her?  I guess not.  Sad, very sad.  Something I just don't understand.  Nothing any of us could have done would have changed her mind.  I didn't know about her "plans".  It was something she thought about for a very long time and then one day, carried them out.  I wish I had been given the opportunity to talk to her.  I at least wish I could have told her what happiness she brought to my life.  How I loved to get cyberspace notes from her.  When I saw the "from" name, a smile would pop across my face.  I wish I could have said goodbye.  I was never given that chance. 

It's not my place to judge . . . and I'm not . . . all I know is, for myself . . . it is not an option.  Period.

To those of you who have lost beloved family members and friends to suicide, I'm so sorry.  Thank you for sharing you most private, heartbreaking experience with us.

Bless you Kelly . . . . I hope you will consider making choices that are still available too.  Life is so precious.

Come sit a spell and join in live chat - we serve non-fattening, zero calorie goodies while discussing all kinds of things.  ;D   (find our chat times here!)


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Re: Suicide
« Reply #47 on: June 19, 2012, 06:42:04 PM »

I have chosen to live with dignity, and my hope is to pass with dignity.

Sjogrens ANA 1:640; SS-A/B+; Fibro; IBS; Neuro symptoms,Thyroid Anti-bodies; Ocular Rosacea, Livedo reticularis,

"You can't have a positive life with a  negative mind"


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Re: Suicide
« Reply #48 on: June 19, 2012, 06:52:00 PM »
I wrote about this last night and it went to cyberspace.  I can't remember a whole lot of what I wrote except that I have been trying to stay alive my whole life.  My parents died at 51 and 57, both uexpedly and of heart attacks.  My sister and I were 13&15 when my Dad died and my Mom was a 45 y/o widow with 2 teen girls (lucky) and two grown kids on their own.  She had never worked out before except to clean motels and help out with out farmwork. 

We four siblings did not want that same end for us.  We tried to avoid it as much as possible and we have done better.  I had 3 sibs 2 years ago and then within 3 months, I had one.  My brother died of heart attack and sis of colon cancer.  They were 71 & 72.  So my 2 year younger sister and I are orphans.  I can honestly say that I have never thought of suicide, but we do have a suicide in our family.

My mother had an alcoholic brother.  She was his "go-to" person when he needed a home, or a meal, or to sober up which he did often.  He is one of my bad memories of growing up.  Never knowing when this sorry soul would be on our doorstep looking for a bed, when we didn't have enough for ourselves.  That meant we (kids) had to move our stuff for his, take a rollaway bed in the living room so he could have our bed.  Over and over.  I despised this man who used my mother so many times.

My mother died and this brother came from two states away by bus to attend her funeral.  He had been sober and working for some time.  Well, somehow during our loss of our mother, he went off the wagon.  Exactly one week after we buried my mother, my uncle blew his brains out in my brother's house.  He knew he wouldn't have Mom to use and lean on any more and so he just used my brother's house to make a mess.  He was always friends with my brother and this is how he ended his life.  I have never grieved for this uncle and decided that he probably did us all a favor, including himself.  He never had any children and was married once for a short time.  While my uncle had no close family of his own, he left terrible memories for the four of us.  Of course, he cared about no one by himself.  The joke was on him because none of us cared as we had spent our whole lives watching him use our mother and other members of the family.  I just cannot imagine this for someone you have deep feelings for.  It must be a terrible end. 


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Re: Suicide
« Reply #49 on: June 19, 2012, 07:04:35 PM »
eyeamdry - wow- I am so sorry you had such a terrible time with this person. I understand as my mother was an alcoholic. Nothing mattered to her but her drinking. My father and she divorced when I was 10 but my sister and I were left with her. Was a nightmare. I have chosen to be very aware of the issues, avoid them and I also avoid being near those that are drunk. Made for interesting dates when I was young, :)

Know you are normal and hugged!


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Re: Suicide
« Reply #50 on: June 19, 2012, 10:01:45 PM »
k, I am not arguing with you on these points, but I guess I haven't quite figured out the dynamics of a few things.

I wonder if you understand that your health status might improve if you quit work. It is amazing how much better a person feels when they don't have to work. You still are not healthy, but you have more energy for yourself and the emotional rollar coaster slows down because you aren't as tired.

It was hard for me to quit work and in my head after 9 years I still think like I might be going back again someday. But---I know that is not possible.

Also, I didn't see any of the heavier duty drugs listed by you. In other words, have you not used plaquenil, methotrexate, imuran, etc?? These drugs can help stop the autoimmune attack on your body. I guess if it was me I would want to try these drugs and see what would happen.

I respect your desire and ability to choose your destiny, but I guess I wonder if the doctors aren't being proactive with your disease process. Good luck. Irish


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Re: Suicide
« Reply #51 on: June 21, 2012, 05:16:54 PM »
Irish-- I have tried Plaquenil twice-- I am highly allergic to it. My ski blistered and peeled and I felt incredible sick. I got off of it for a few weeks. Tried again and response was instantaneous. Had to go to emergency room. Tried Methotrexate-- also couldn't take it. If
 Can't remember why except that I was told by doc to stop immediately. I am only on meds for stomach/ intestine, blood pressure, cholesterol. NO anti inflammatories. I take salagen and restassis. I also take about 5 different pills to sleep.


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Re: Suicide
« Reply #52 on: June 21, 2012, 06:49:21 PM »

First of all, I am feeling so sorry for your pain----physical, emotional, spiritual. As Irish said, many of us have had at least a fleeting thought of suicide.
I recently received another autoimmune diagnosis & found myself thinking how will I manage another one!? I still don't know.

I appreciate the fact that you opened a dialogue about suicide; glad we can talk about it! Three years ago, my sister and her husband died in a murder suicide. It was a pact, they had planned carefully to use the advice in Final Exit whenever her husband's illness became unbearable. Something went very wrong, and she shot him, then herself. I spoke to her the night before and she seemed fine.

The loss has had great impact on our family----she left a daughter & 3 grandchildren who as teenagers are still trying to grasp this. We all still mourn.  In my sister's case, I believe depression played a large part in the choice.

Try to find a skilled psychologist or therapist who understands severe chronic illness. Give meds a try.
Just as things can take a turn for the worst, remember sometimes things improve a bit. I found a good psych after the "incident" & it has helped me so much.

I know that sometimes I feel backed in a corner when in truth I have options. There are so many losses in chronic illness, I think we all feel overwhelmed sometime.

I don't know you, but know that friends & family love you. I wish you the best.
Sjogrens, Stills disease, Acromegaly, Interstitial cystitis

Plaquenil, Prednisone, Octreotide injectable, Crestor, Xanax


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Re: Suicide
« Reply #53 on: June 22, 2012, 12:53:40 AM »
During the darkest times in my life I have often considered suicide. I never pictured the actual steps needed to do it, I just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up. We on this board seem to have more than our share of crosses to bear, be they physical or mental/emotional. During some of my bad times God and I have not exactly been on speaking terms.

But somewhere along the way I decided that there were so many things in my life that I questioned or blamed God for that I needed to make a list of those questions so that when I die and go to heaven (surely I've paid my dues by now!) I can sit down with God in the rockers on his front porch, pull out my list and say "Lord, I have a couple of questions for you and have been waiting a long time for the answers." All of my questions start with the words "WHAT ON EARTH WERE YOU THINKING when..." The list has evolved over the years, kind of like the FBI's Most Wanted list. Many questions have occupied the number 1 spot, some of them more than once.

After a while I noticed that in addition to giving me a place to put my trials and tribulations, the list has also given me a reason to keep going. I want to know those answers.

When I was in college and my early adult years, when things weren't quite as I had hoped them to be, my mother would usually close out the conversation by saying "This too shall pass." It frustrated me so much then as it wasn't the least bit helpful to me at that time. Over the years I learned she was right. All things do pass. They just happen to be replaced with more troubles more often that I would like.

And as for me and God, we are on better speaking terms now. Sometimes I yell at him and say "ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?" like a few weeks ago when I fell and broke my tailbone. But other times I just say "Thank you."

It's easy to be bogged down when we are sick and tired and hopeless. It's easier to try each day to find something to smile about. If you write your good moments down in a list each day you may soon find that you actually have more good moments than you thought you did. As someone else said on this board earlier "we all die". If you get there before I do, save me a spot on that porch. If the rockers are all taken a porch swing will do.

Karen R


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Re: Suicide
« Reply #54 on: June 22, 2012, 08:41:47 PM »
I just noticed that you are on Etrafon. I think that is one of the tricyclic antidepressants. Also, if you are on 5 medications for sleep I can't help but think that maybe your brain chemicals are just trashed. Time to have a medication inventory by your doc. If he doesn't want to do it I would advise going to a psychiatrist who can help you get your meds and your brain chemicals back in order.

The more medication a person takes for anxiety, sleep, etc the worse the problems can become. There are so many drug interactions. I would advise you to get to a doc and get yourself put on one of the newer medications for depression. The tricyclics work in some ways, but they cause all sort of issues when taken at the dosage needed for depression. I know cause I was on them for awhile years ago and got off of them. They also tend to dry a person out a lot.

I hope that you can get some medical help to slow the autoimmune disease. Also, the fact that your brain chemicals are all a mess plus you are exhausted and not feeling good really puts you at high risk for a rotten depression. Go get help ASAP. Remember, many family doctors will order the antidepressants, but often with a bad, lingering, life threatening depression a psychiatrist is the very best bet.

Family doctors just aren't well versed enough in depression and the way to use the drugs. It isn't their specialty. Interesting how when our heart bothers us docs will refer us to a cardiologist, but when we get depressed they try to finagle their way through. Good luck and keep us posted. Irish


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Re: Suicide
« Reply #55 on: June 23, 2012, 06:03:39 AM »
Im so sorry you are feeling so helpless... I am not AGAINST suicide..but like the others on here.. I have had to deal with it my life. My sons father committed suicide. It wasnt over pain, it was a cheap way out from dealing with life itself. It happened in 1998 when my son was only 5 years old. My son is now 19 years old and Ill tell you its REALLY caused ALOT of grief and GUILT. I will never get over him EVER. I was not "with him" anymore and he was having issues with her then-girlfriend. But I do feel like I could have done more to prevent that. I guess I cannot compare it to your YOUR situation as it IS different. But you must think about the after-suicide consequences of loved ones. Its VERY VERY painful. I live in CANADA and yes we just passed a doctor-assisted suicide last week. Im happy for those people that are literally dying anyways and in such pain that life is No life at all ... But where theres a glimmer of HOPE or help.. You must try to go on!!!! People LOVE and NEED you whether you realize that or not...I dont know. I am sure you have thought about that as well.

I MYSELF have considered suicide and wondered HOW i was going to do it. Right down to leaving a note for my current family physician about HELPING people in PAIN. I get ANGRY that nobody will help or listen tome. Mind you they thought i only had Fibromyalgia and I didnt know about the Sjogrens. I suffer greatly and he doesn't believe in pain meds, unless you are dying. And that GREATLY upsets me as I wish I could have a LIFE. Im tired and Im tired of being sore and crying myself to sleep at times. I hardly EVER cook for my kids anymore either. I feel the guilt from that evreyday as well.. Although my kids are 12 and 19- they still NEED me and I SHOULD be preparing meals and keeping my kitchen clean. My entire house is a disaster area. I have always been a clean person. But Im not anymore and i get VERY upset over that....

I was working as a PSW ...I loved my job helping others. I had to QUIT ...I couldnt do it anymore. I am now on Disability. It SUCKS as I was used to making a week ..what I make in a month now. I hate always being broke. But this is life.

I had to SERIOUSLY consider the repercussions if I ever did commit suicide....and decided...its not worth it. My children would be LOST without me. Neither of them would have any parents left :(  And  even though I might be more at peace myself.. it didnt outweigh what I would do to those around me-Including MY parents (I already lost a brother in a car accident years ago) so It would be devastating to them too!

I agree  with the others here that asked if you are on anti-depressants? and if so.. they are NOT working properly...perhaps an overview of your meds is a great idea! You need to try to stay positive.. But I know its HARD when you feel like your life has been Robbed! I live on my couch pretty much. Im ALWAYS SO TIRED and cant do anything.Ive gained alot of weight .. I doont cook much meals anymore and just grab whatever i can that fast.. My kids are always telling me they are Hungry..well theres lots of food... I just dont make big meals so they also are picking at things here and there. It smakes me feel BAD> I dont have COMPANY anymore.. and I used to be VERY social. BUt its because I dont wanna have todo my hair and make-up as thats a CHORE now.. and myHouse is a DISASTER you wouldn't even believe it! :( So I CANT have people over anymore. YOU ARE NOT ALONE HERE!! Im glad you posted as I felt ALONE as well.. My memory is SO BAD :(  I forget EVERYTHING (for example teh garbage didnt get put out yesterday AGAIN) because I FORGET everything :( It makes me look SO IRRESPONSIBLE !!!!! :( I was NEVER irresponsible!!!

Anywasy enough about ME... But I want you to know your NOT alone..and feel free to INBOX me privately at anytime!! :) I think you should consider going on disability and quitting your job. I know its not nice to hear but working would kill ME.. I couldnt do it anymore. I cant even do my own housework so? :(  But al LEAST IM HERE ... and Im going to try to get more help with my Rheumy .... You should do the same! IWishing you all the best and dont be stranger Cuz you are NOT alone OK? Prayers and Huggs sent your way!!! xx



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Re: Suicide
« Reply #56 on: June 23, 2012, 07:36:41 AM »
We see our health decline, gradually, slowly, like a itch we cant scratch, we feel the pain the loneliness , we try to do our best but it never seems good enough, the illness stops us, our friends who cant see anything wrong with us on the utside now feel we make all this stuff up,, who beside us have ever heard of autoimmune diseases, ?, they dont know its our body trying to kill us off, and eventually it wins,
 We go to great lengths trying, praying, hoping , to find some kind of cure from the medical community only to leave a office visit more frustrated then when we went in, clutching another prescription that we know is useless, and if you can still drive you wonder how bad it would hurt to just steer the car into a bridge abutment, Me,, I cant drive anymore, I stopped,, heck I can barely walk or use my arms anymore let alone drive, why the medical community refuses to help terminal pateints die with diginity is beyond me,, and the blame goes all the way to the top, politicians, I heard a phrase the other day that hospitals use for a dying patient, circling the drain, no one wants to die, and no one wants to live ina  body that doesnt work anymore, I dont want to be dependant on anyone to take care of me, I should be allowed to pick and choose the time of my departure, its not selfish,, why is it selfish, to want to just leave when you know there is only more problems down the road from all this,, a never ending cycle of more grief and suffering,,


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Re: Suicide
« Reply #57 on: June 23, 2012, 01:44:15 PM »
The concept of being "dependent" on others is a big problem. Not a single person is ever truly independent of others at any time of their life. When we are born, we are depending for our very physical, mental and emotional survival on adults, ideally our married parents who support each other. As we grow up, we depend on adults for education, food, water, shelter and clothing. Gradually we assume responsibility for more and more of those things, leaving our parents as supporters behind.

However, we remain totally dependent on others all our lives. Nobody has to grow their own flax or raise their own sheep, harvest the flax and wool, card it, spin it, weave it, and then sew it. We don't till the soil, plant the wheat, harvest it, thresh it, grind it, and then bake the loaf. We don't cut down the trees, trim the branches, drag them to the site, cut them into boards (or not; ever wonder why log cabins were so popular?), then build the house. I don't know a single person who makes their own (legal) therapeutic pharmaceuticals for their own consumption. We don't mine the ore, smelt it, shape it, dig the well, collect and refine the oil, pour the gasoline into the engine we just made and then drive our car. And so on, and so on, and so on.

As we get older, if we are so lucky, the need for more personal support increases, until at the end of a very long life (even it if only seems that way), many of us become as dependent on others as we were as infants. So what? Does it makes us a "burden?" Not really; there are people who love us enough to do that, or who are paid to care for us. This keeps them in a home, lets them raise their kids, educate them, etc. As long as you have most of a mind, you are a human being of value. You can find a way to reach out to others, to appreciate and share with those who care information, memories, appreciation and love with them in a way that you certainly couldn't as an infant.

We never know what we say or do that will touch someone's heart and make a lifelong difference. I believe in letting God speak through me, and when I meet a stranger, I sort of "step aside" mentally and let the first words that come to me out of my mouth. So often, they are something I certainly didn't think of, and the other person looks startled, and it turns out that that is exactly what they needed to hear at that moment.

One example: When a woman brought her late mother's little poodle to me to "care for for a few days until the no-kill shelter has an opening" a couple of Julys ago, I "stepped aside" and took the dog out of her hands and said, "Oh, baby, your mama loves you very much and didn't want to leave you." Her daughter teared up, and I put my arms around her and repeated that. It turns out that she had come into the house and found her mother sitting in her chair, dead, with no opportunities for any "goodbyes."

Now, I don't say "mama," I say "mommy." Normally I would have observed what a cute little dog he was, and said how sorry I was that she had to give him up. And how I admired her for trying for so long to take care of everything she needed to take care of. Those weren't my words, and they did touch her heart and made a difference.

We all give back; we just often don't know how or when we will make a difference. If you think about your own life, you can look back and see odd moments when someone said or did something that touched your heart and changed your life in some small or large way. Or the overall memory of how someone lived their life despite whatever gave you strength to go on at some crucial moment.

We are all dependent, all of our lives. Don't let dying with "dignity" keep  you from making a difference to others.

And by the way, the shelter still hasn't called... Little Buddy is the love of my life, along with his brothers and sister.