Author Topic: Suicide  (Read 11610 times)

eyeamdry

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Re: Suicide
« Reply #15 on: June 18, 2012, 10:15:43 PM »
I posted a fairly long post and now it's lost in space.  Tomorrow will re-do.

irish

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Re: Suicide
« Reply #16 on: June 18, 2012, 10:30:49 PM »
Lucy, I'll read it. I am always lost in space. Irish ;D

Meld256

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Re: Suicide
« Reply #17 on: June 18, 2012, 11:31:11 PM »
Me, too, Lucy.  ;)  Lost in space that is. 

Irish, again you've given so much wisdom. I've witnessed the pain of suicide in my family and in the last few years also watched my father-in-law and then my mother die from terminal illness, with hospice involved.

It gave me a new perspective on dying and how to do it well, as odd as that sounds. As you say, there is time to mend relationships, truely talk from the heart, and show love and care.  They both passed peacefully with family and loved ones surrounding them. 

Season, I'm sorry your family has seen so much heartache.  Only one who's been through this has some inkling of what that's like. 
I found out when my mother was an old lady that her father (my grandfather) also killed himself by hanging.  I found this out by my curiosity digging into genealogy; as they say, you may find things you don't want to know sometimes when you go looking.  He was buried on her 16th birthday.  There was more ugliness to the story and so I began to understand why my mother was "the way she was." 

We really can share anything here.  I realize that so many of us have dealt with suicide in our lives, and it's certainly not easy to deal with.  It changes us forever.   
Bless you all for being here and being such a source of support for us all.

Ark mom

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Re: Suicide
« Reply #18 on: June 18, 2012, 11:53:15 PM »
I am so sorry that you are feeling so badly.  I am here for you. 

I am in similar shoes, recently diagnosed with this illness that I have had a lifetime and have been in an exhausting, life-altering flare for over three months.  My husband is in complete denial and has been very cruel and full of spite toward me regarding my illness.  I knew, the second that I was diagnosed with this disease, that my marriage would not survive this obstacle.  Things have not been good.  I haven't had a good day in weeks. 

Occasionally, something wonderful will happen, something so wonderful that one of my two daughters says or does that gives me such intense joy that my whole day or week of suffering was worth that one precious moment. 

I must carry on for my two little girls.  You must identify who it is you must carry on for, too, be it your husband, or children, or sister, or mother, or beloved pet.  Find someone who gives you some sliver of intense joy and live for them.  We must have hope that perhaps around the next corner is something better, maybe a better drug treatment.  What disease modifying medications are you taking?  Is there something else you can try?  Just glancing at your signature, I didn't notice any drugs that are targeting toward your diseases.  Sorry if I didnt catch it

I know I am hanging on because someone is going to figure put how to regenerate or implant stem cells to restore lost salivary gland/tear gland function!  I'm going to be there when they do.  I'm saving up right now...:)

I totally agree that you need to take care of yourself and stop working!!  No more, stop right now!! :p 

When I talked with my therapist about the possibility of suicide down the road for me, this is what she told me, echoing the sentiment of others here, "it is not the severely depressed or anxious or disturbed that I have the hardest time treating.  It is those whose parents have killed themselves.  They never stop wondering why they weren't good enough or what did they did wrong.  It destroys them."

Anyway, I just want you to know that I deeply care about you and what you are going through.  I am here for you.  Please stick around the board so that we may talk with you.  I have had some dark days myself these past few months and even took some time for inpatient care due to depression and thoughts of suicide.  Big warm hug!!!!
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rudytudy

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Re: Suicide
« Reply #19 on: June 19, 2012, 05:09:48 AM »
Thank you for your bravery in starting this post.
My Mom was terminal with pulmonary fibrosis as a complication of SJS.  She lasted 7 years with it due to her lovely spirit.   She gave so much inspiration to those on her PF message board and was the 'queen' that everyone loved.   She touched so many lives as she got weaker and though they were all terminal I saw how she spread love.   

In her six months of hospice I helped take care of her and watched her struggle.  I was with her as she lost abilities.   I remember fondly her insisting to be rolled in her wheel chair to the refrigerator so she could look in there and tell me what to prepare for her husband's supper.
How she would ask for a knife to cut a piece of celery for his salad.   

Her dying process taught ME that no matter how small the act of love she would do for someone was worth, for her, still being here and in their presence.   Her choices taught me how to love even more fiercely in the face of fear.   I miss her so much that for awhile I thought I couldn't live without her...but her life and death showed me how great love is and how we all teach each other and are connected by our mortality.

I wish for you to, as I did, start taking an anti-depressant to help with serotonin levels and to cut way back on working.   Adjust YOUR LIFE to this new reality.   Show those that love you how to adapt to changing circumstances.   It's amazing how WE ALL learn from each other.
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iraisin

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Re: Suicide
« Reply #20 on: June 19, 2012, 05:13:17 AM »
Sometimes our minds can become quite turbulent. I'm sorry that you are feeling such lack in your life that you are contemplating suicide. My heart breaks.

I will say, that my ex-husband had drug and alcohol issues. He was incredibly smart, and very loving (when he wasn't drunk). He was a good person within the depths of his soul - the place the world couldn't get to him. But his flesh took over and he couldn't resist the darkness of this world.  He died suddenly of overdose, in his mother's home. She has now become very ill in both her mind and body. My youngest son spent this father's day at his grave.

I wish he would have gotten some mental health support. I wish his mother the same now. Our minds are so fragile -but we focus so much on what makes us mobile and active, so we take better care of that. Our minds are the motherboard for all of it, I feel like if we help that part first, the body will follow.

You sound like you have many obligations - with many people depending on you. It also sounds like you have much knowledge to share. Are you able to take time off, maybe write a book to share what you have gained? There is software that converts your voice to written word. Even the plight you are in now, is worth something to others. YOU are worth something.

You sound incredible, so does your husband. It makes me feel good to know that there are people like you - with such a sense of family, responsibility, and love in this world that shatters so many people.

LisaMarie

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Re: Suicide
« Reply #21 on: June 19, 2012, 05:59:06 AM »
This emotional thread has me crying.  I cannot judge.  But would beg someone to not consider suicide.  I spent a lot of time with my mother who had terminal cancer.  For two years, she tried to extend her life as much as she possibly could.  She knew that for those two years the treatments she was doing would not cure her.  In fact, she knew that the side effects would be difficult.  But she also knew that she could not try them because without them, she would have only lived 6 months.  During that time, I called her cancer a blessing.  Had she died in her sleep of a heart attack or something quick, I would have lost out on all of that time with her.  Her diagnosis gave me the drive to stay by her side for doctors' appointments, long car rides for treatments, etc.  We spent so much blessed time together.  We told so many stories and relived my childhood, her childhood, and heard so much family history.  Two days before she passed, she lost her ability to speak.   But she was still communicating with me with her eyes.  Hearing "I love you" just by the softness in the eyes and the blinking when I would tell her became the strongest form of the words that I will ever experience.  I live with no regrets on spending that time with her.  And even though I know I seen her become weak and so fragile, I remember her as strong and full of life.

What I take from that is that no matter how bad my health gets, I will always cherish moments with my loved ones. 

I feel so much pain in my heart when I know that there are people who are so ill and with no family surrounding them.  At some point in my life, I hope that I can retire from my job and volunteer or work part time in just visiting with people who need just someone to talk to so they do not feel so lonely.  I don't have the energy to do it now while I work full time but that is my goal.

Find a way to share your history.  If you don't have anyone to sit and talk to, write it or record it.  When you reflect, I think somehow, you just don't feel as lonely.  Thank you for having courage to bring this topic forth.
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irish

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Re: Suicide
« Reply #22 on: June 19, 2012, 06:12:21 AM »
This thread becomes more awesome as it progresses. God Bless you wonderful people. Irish

mshistory

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Re: Suicide
« Reply #23 on: June 19, 2012, 06:32:14 AM »
I have not been personally touched by suicide, but my husband is heavily involved in this subject professionally. I have never been opposed to suicide when someone is suffering from a chronic illness - I understand the dilemma of quality of life vs. quantity.

I am so sorry you are in so much pain. I wish I had good advice to offer, but since I don't, I'll just offer my hugs and support.
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kwolfsheimer

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Re: Suicide
« Reply #24 on: June 19, 2012, 07:12:06 AM »
Wow! Well first, thank you for the posts. I am not there yet-- I know that the "word" suicide evokes strong emotion in people. I am not there-- but the fact that I can talk about it, the fact that I crossed the threshold and bought a book about it (one might have thought that I was sneaking pornography in the house), tells me that either I am not dealing with this disease very well or that I have lost hope. I know that the second is not true; there are things everyday that give me a sense of hope and purpose. I just "need to know."

I want life to be something I choose-- not something I accept because I have no choice. I want to be prepared. And that's something I'm not good at. I am good at preparing for everyone else but not for myself. I've had a good many friends die of cancer or other diseases and they suffered nobly up to the end. I have also had quite a few friends who had terminal diseases and committed suicide. And I listened to people just defame them as "cowards","selfish."  It was as if all their life disappeared and that's all that they became-- "suicide."

But I totally get them.  Anybody who has ever thought about or attempted suicide knows that it is no "easy way out." It takes resolve and a determination. Nobody really wants to die-- to leave their family behind.

Irish-- I appreciate the advice. I need to think about quitting my job. I probably have one more year before I can do that. I am not worried about now-- I am worried about later, when I don't have things in my life to motivate me. I'm 44 in a few weeks, and I can not imagine living another ten years (or more). I am more worried about being in a position where I have no control or no independence in my life. If I quit my job, then I become dependant on another person to take care of me.

Anyhow, I appreciate the thoughts. No worries-- I just needed the discussion.
































LizPetillo

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Re: Suicide
« Reply #25 on: June 19, 2012, 07:46:47 AM »
Would you ever consider it?
Yes.  But I'm not at that point yet.  And I don't condemn anyone who is chronically ill and thinking in that direction.  The biggest thing for me with this disease is the spiritual struggle.  It is very important to me ... and I feel let down by God.


gold55

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Re: Suicide
« Reply #26 on: June 19, 2012, 07:56:07 AM »
Kwolf, I applaud your bravery to bring up the discussion of one's right to control their own destiny....with the input of loved ones, of course.  I see both sides of it however, watching my parents suffer for years makes me lean more toward "everyone's right to decide" rather than
how many people my folks would hurt leaving this earth on their own terms.  There are so many things to consider no matter what side of the fence you are on.  I just don't agree with all the people being kept alive by pharmaceuticals which aren't making their "quality of life" anything but worse!  I do wish our country would legalize this issue so it would be more of a "medical decision" between the patient, doctor and patient's loved ones and not such a taboo behavior.  I hope you all will forgive me for stating my opinion.  If it were an option perhaps those who have lost hope might decide to fight after much discussion with and support of their family, church and physicians.       
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ttdub

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Re: Suicide
« Reply #27 on: June 19, 2012, 08:21:51 AM »
The problem that I have with it is the possibility of a cure right around the corner. How horrible would it be if someone committed suicide, when they were just a year away from either a cure or a much better medicine to help people deal with it.

eye2dry

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Re: Suicide
« Reply #28 on: June 19, 2012, 08:29:42 AM »
I posted a reply a minute ago and it went somewhere...but nowhere...it's gone.

My father died a horrible painful death, he died sept 1987 after 9 years of cancer. He endured surgeries, radiation, chemo,. He took percocet..then dilaudid and then liquid morphine in his stomach feeding tube b/c he could not longer swallow. He had a tacheostomy as well.

My mother worked at a bank for the insurance...my father was always self employed up until cancer made it impossible to work...he got on SS.

Hospice got involved .got him a hospital bed..put it in front of livingroom window. my grandma and i took turns watching him during the day while mom worked close to the end. hospice gave him medcial and emotionally and spiritual hlep.

A few months before he died...unknown to me he asked my husband to "find him" after he shoots himself while mom was at work. he didn't want mom to come home and find him..he wanted my husband to see it and call police. he was going to give my husband the day he would do it.

My husband said he couldn't be a part of that. I found out about it months after the funeral and was upset by the news.

My father had access if he wanted to...to the morphine in the kitchen cupboard...why he never dumped it all in his feeding tube..I'll never know. I gave him his morphine,Ensure,water,etc...

My father died at home, my mom was in her room asleep, my sisterr on the couch and I was "on watch". I had never witnessed anyone die, did not realize the signs. The hospice nurse was just there in the afternoon and did not give us the heads up...she later said it took her by surprise as well.

The cancer in the end made it to his brain, lungs and bones.

Why didn't he kill himself? He had his guns, he had morphine.

Did he worry this act would "kill" my mother? Was he really afraid to do it?
Was he worried his life insurance policy would not pay out for suicide?


I hope I never have to consider this for myself...don't know what I would do.


eye2dry

kwolfsheimer

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Re: Suicide
« Reply #29 on: June 19, 2012, 09:21:51 AM »
Kwolf, I applaud your bravery to bring up the discussion of one's right to control their own destiny....with the input of loved ones, of course.  I see both sides of it however, watching my parents suffer for years makes me lean more toward "everyone's right to decide" rather than
how many people my folks would hurt leaving this earth on their own terms.  There are so many things to consider no matter what side of the fence you are on.  I just don't agree with all the people being kept alive by pharmaceuticals which aren't making their "quality of life" anything but worse!  I do wish our country would legalize this issue so it would be more of a "medical decision" between the patient, doctor and patient's loved ones and not such a taboo behavior.  I hope you all will forgive me for stating my opinion.  If it were an option perhaps those who have lost hope might decide to fight after much discussion with and support of their family, church and physicians.       


Good post. I agree.  When I was in the 11th grade, I wrote an essay on euthenasia that actually won "an award" for my class. I was so young and "pie in the sky" then. I watched my aunt "pull the plug" on my cousin Stevie and I thought about how hard that would be. But imagine pulling your own plug. That's worse. I was in favor of it then-- which surprises me. I would have never thought that I would be sick. I was always advocating for others.

I don't believe in "suicide" but I do believe in quality of life. The problem is where do you know where the line is? As bad as one day is, there might be something the next day that is good. But that is life-- it will always go on.  And I believe in God and in a sense, destiny. But I also believe that people make their own destiny-- you get up and go. What happens when you can't?

I take a "compassion" drug that is illegal in the US except under strict guidelines. The side effect could be death and I take it with much awareness of my consequences. I choose the risk to live my life. Would I be denied the same compassion to end my life-- with full awareness of it's consequences? Would I be wrong?

I don't know... I just don't know.