Mom

[Chickpea]

Lighthouse - thank you for sending us an update on your mom's situation.  You must be overwhelmed with the stress of taking care of everyone and worrying so much. 

My heart goes out to you all.

Chickpea

[lynnmarie219]

Oh Lighthouse....so much going on with you and your family. Thanks for the update on your mom and sending you, her, and your dad lots of positive thoughts and prayers.

Please keep us posted and try to take some time for you as well...I know it may be difficult at this time but it is still essential for your own well being and health.

Sending you lots of big virtual hugs...

[lighthouse33]

Dad and I were having a meeting with a neighbor and his in home nurse and dad told me to quit interrupting him.  So then he tried to cover it by asking if I had anything to add and I said no that he and her (meaning mom) could handle it and walked out of the room crying.  I bet he is going to be pissed that I embarassed him in front of his friends. Too bad.  I'm pissed too. 

[lighthouse33]

Clearer heads prevail now.  Will try to post more tomorrow.  I cried for several hours this afternoon.  Guess it's a blessing that I can still cry tears!

[Carebear]

Dear Lighthouse,

I'm glad to hear you had a good cry.  After all you've been through with your folks, it was probably overdue. 

I continue to keep you in my thoughts, and hope you are caring for yourself.

[Carolina]

Dear Lighthouse,

Leaving an abusive situation is often very hard to do, and sometimes the best possible action to take.

Get away, get the feelings out, and stop the merry-go-round when it's out of control.

Thinking of you.

Hugs

Elaine

[lighthouse33]

Dad and I interviewed and hired a maid who is also a nurse.  She will do anything, cleaning, cooking, caregiving etc.  She's worked for other people in the area and came with recommendations from people we know.

It will be interesting to see mom's reaction to this.  Dad has mentioned to her about getting a maid in the past and her reaction has been - I don't want anyone in my home, acording to everyone she's talked to they are disatisfied with the service they provide and you have to watch them all the time so they don't take anything.  She always complains about dad's sweeping and I can tell she thinks I'm too slow in the kitchen.  I doubt this gal will do the cooking. 

Dad's solution to the cooking is that we eat out and he said he's told mom that.  But I told him that for me and mom too our pain levels are too high to get cleaned up and sit in a restaurant for two hours.  So whether he'll force her back into cooking I don't know. 

I think he is angry because his life as he has known it is over.  Cooked for and taken care of 24/7.  It should have been over a long time ago, if he really cared about her he would have done something about it earlier.  But as Carolina says let them whirl.  I'm trying my best to do that. 

[Carolina]

Ahh Lighthouse:

You can get lovely meals delivered to the house, NOT take out.   I think something called Schwan's is one of the services.

http://www.schwans.com/?kwid=searchgg01077209-pcrid-5519985017&dmg=3320

The point is to eat and to be comfortable.

Sigh.

HUGS

Elaine

[Carebear]

Sounds like the perfect solution, Lighthouse.    A nurse who cleans and cooks...what a great combination.

You can't control how your mom or dad will react.  But I say "You did good, girl!" 

[lighthouse33]

Well, the seas parted, and my dad after asking what I thought about it, has decided to allow the nurses to do the cooking!

Mom is still in the hospital, she developed a gas blockage.  The doctor gave her two options - get up and walk every two hours or have a tube stuck down here throat to get rid of it.  Luckily the tube wasn't necessary.  She is still on the pain pump and the oxygen.  She may come home in a couple of days or some time next week.

Dad is going to give me a break and go on his own tonight.  I've been with the maid/nurse all day.  She cleaned the entire house and it looks great.  Dad is going to break it to her tonight that he has hired a maid - nurse - cook.  I wonder how that will go over. 

[Carolina]

Oh, we ALL need a nurse who cleans and cooks.

 

Hugs

Elaine

[lighthouse33]

Well I think I spoke too soon on the cooking.  Mom reluctantly agreed on the maid part but I don't think she wants the nurses and who knows if dad even mentioned the cooking.

I can tell that he is getting depressed. Not wanting to do anything.  I asked him to get a couple of bed pads yesterday.  What does he come back with one bed pad and a chair pad.  Says he wanted to make sure about the size.  Well, she needs one for her bed and one for the couch.  Mom shows him a product called Zorb that is a spray that will eleiminate orders without producting an odor of its own.  Well, I might look for it today, we'll just see what happens.  Mom is supposed to come home tomorrow.

The nurse said that she would take me to the grocery store.  I've started a list but no one is giving me any direction on this.  I think dad thinks mom will come home and start cooking again.

[lighthouse33]

We had take out pizza last night from Dominos.  Dad wanted a salad.  I said don't you remember I spent Thursday cleaning out the refrigerator, there is nothing there.  What about the leftover salad.  I said that's been there four or five days you can't eat that.  Well then you'll have to throw it out.  Yes, dad, I will do that.  Then he was unhappy because the pizza wasn't hot. 

A couple of days ago he mentioned that the shirt he was wearing was dirty. Well I don't know how to wash his golf shirts.  Then he says well I don't think it matters, I've got plenty of shirts.  This is something mom complained about for years, him brings out one thing and then she's have to do laundry.

He just wants her to come home and things to go back to the way they were.  The nurse told me that people who can not afford home care for a person in my mother's condition put them in a nursing home because they couldn't care for them.  I think mom thinks she can do it.  Dad wants to play it day by day and if she can't we'll deal with it later.

[lighthouse33]

By the way, flat out refusal sibling was angry that we didn't notify him about the first hospital visit.  On this second deal, we did notify him and because it's "mom" he wants to come and help.  No way.  All he wants to do is come to play golf, talk 24/7 and be entertained.  Neither mom or dad can play golf and we are in no shape for entertaining.  We begged him a year ago to move to the area not come for a visit.

And guess who crawled out of the woodwork.  Blowing smoke sibling called a couple of weeks ago.  Dad told her that mom was in too much pain to talk with her and that she would call her back.  She only calls when she wants money!  It's sad to be that cynical on our part but it's true.  Then a cousin of mine calls and has the nerve to ask for money.  His wife's grandmother had promised them a grand windfall when she died so they had been spending like crazy for ten years.  Grandma dies her father was executor and cut them out of the will and now he is worried about his credit rating and his wife had to go back to work. Dad told them to do what everyone else does file for bankruptcy. 

[Carolina]

Dear Lighthouse,

You are in the middle of everything!   Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..........

I recognize all those family types.   My family of origin was tiny, but I had one sister that managed to cover most of the types, all by herself!

How sad for your cousin who lived so much of life in expectation of money that didn't arrive.   Expectations of that kind can warp people so badly. 

Reading all your posts, Lighthouse, about making decisions and pleasing your father............

I think you have to make decisions and say take it or leave it.   Or say nothing, just do what makes the most sense to you and let the chips fall where they may.

I think your father is just venting right and left, even about things he doesn't really care about.  He and your mother are facing 'the valley of the shadow of death', it is scary and not very pretty.

Buy what YOU think is necessary, HIRE whom you think is needed, do your best and let the rest go.

HUGS and love

Elaine