Mom

[lynnmarie219]

Lighthouse,

Keeping your mom, you, and dad in my thoughts. I hope your mom gets to the bottom of all of this as it sounds like she may have multiple things going on all at once!

Don't forget to take care of yourself in all of this...

Keep us updated...

[lighthouse33]

Mom came home Saturday evening.  She's been in terrible pain without the morphine.  Can't take any pain killers because they would thin the blood.  Biopsy will be done tomorrow.  Kidney stent is temporary. 

Per usual she is in ignore mode, doesn't want to talk abot it.  I told her I put dad on notice about getting help around here.  She said he had asked her when she wanted him to start on it.  Why can't he do some iniciative and do it on his own.  She is back to doing everything, taking care of him.  Her motto is soldier on.

[Carolina]

Oh, lighthouse,

This is my 'wisdom' on 'helping' older people.

"Let 'em whirl" as best you can.

Even when it may 'shorten their life" or "be bad for them".

Change is hard at any age, and change forced on you at an advanced age can be horrible, counter productive and useless.

I know it's hard to see your Mom overdo, and your Dad be demanding.

But this may be what they 'want' , what they are used to.

When my in-laws were so disabled they had to be in a nursing home, my father-in-law chose a place
near their home.

EVERYONE in the huge family (11 kids) had different ideas about where they should be located.

BUT my father-in-law was perfectly competent to make his own decisions, and that had to be respected.

At least I think so.

The same thing applied to his eating sweets when he shouldn't, etc.

It is so easy to patronize and infantilize older people when you 'know what's best for them'.

And even easier when YOU have to bear the brunt of the penalties for their choices, as the 'responsible adult" picking up the pieces at the emergency room and with the financial and health disasters that may ensue from poor choices.

And yet, I say "try to let them make decisions and do those things that they choose" without too much interference and judgement.

Remember, one day your kids will be patronizing you, trust me.   I'm already there and it is infuriating!!!

At least I've tried to 'model' the appropriate way to treat older people, even if it hasn't 'taken' all that well, it seems.

Good luck lighthouse, this isn't a bit easy.

Hugs

Elaine

[One and only]

is it only your parents that live ina house that HUGe?

[lighthouse33]

Carolina:

Thank you so much for your well thoughtout response.

The big problem in our case is that I live with them.  Am tired and stressed out from listening to a year of fighting between the two of them - mom wants to downsize, dad does not - blah, blah, blah!  By the way she's screaming at everyone and it continues more now after her hospital visit.  This has affected my health big time.  But remember according to mom there is nothing wrong with me and she doesn't want to hear about Sjogren's.  So I've been holdig it all in about my health since last October.  They don't want to hear about my health problems and I don't want to hear about theirs.

I guess I will have to suck it up and continue to suffer because someone around here needs to help out mom and it certainly isn't going to be dad.  He was born selfish and will die selfish.

One sibling lives fat, dumb and happy out of state.  When we asked him to move to the area a year ago to help out with good old dad his response was a flat out refusal.  My other sibling is a deadbeat who likes to smoke marijuana all day.  We haven't even spoken to her in ten years.  Wish I could live fat, dumb and happy in another state.

One and only,

Yes, me and my parents live in the house along with ouur cat.

.

[Carolina]

ACK, Dear lighthouse.

You're up for sainthood in my book.

My husband and I squabble a lot and always have, but the kids go berserk when they hear it.

(of course THEY squabble, but......)

And of COURSE you can let it all out here.  Vent away dearest Lighthouse.  That's what we're here for.

I was just suggesting that trying to change people is usually not very successful.

But, well you're living with it day to day.

sigh

Earplugs?

Hmmm I guess you can't flat out refuse like sibling #1.  What about the answer of #2, a bit of 'smoke'?

Yeah, not practical, I suppose.

well, just keep us posted, and let it all out here............

really, I'm not judging you, I was just hoping to help you let them whirl.

But they're whirling all over you.....that's extra hard.

Hugs

Elaine

[lighthouse33]

Carolina

No problem, I didn't think you were judging me.  I left a husband after three years of marriage after I wised up that he was not going to change and I wasn't going to change him.  One of the best decisions I ever made. 

I do have a white noise machine for bedtime that I do put on when I go to bed early and sometimes I can still hear them.  I also have a pair of headset earphones that you wear on your head when you are using noisy equipment like a blower.  Earplugs would work too.

[lighthouse33]

Mom did not have a biopsy.  Next Thursday she will have a colonoscopy and a PET Scan to check for cancer.  If those come up negative, I guess they will just watch the mass in her pelvis to see what turns up.

[Katybarstool]

Hi Lighthouse

I hope things are settling down a bit for you. You are an amazing woman, dealing with your own problems and those of your parents. I will keep you all in my prayers.

How is your mum doing now?

Kathyx

[lighthouse33]

What a nightmare!  Mom's colonoscopy was this afternoon.  Dad called, they transported her from the surgery center to the ER via ambulance.  Apparently when they do the procedure they pump the area full of air.  When they got in with the camera they found a blockage there, afterwards, they tried to release the air and they couldn't because of the blockage.  She was in awful pain.  Gastro has ordered a CAT Scan just to make sure that he didn't perforate her colon.  He doesn't think the tumor is cancerous but he thinks but is not sure, that it has grown from her pelvis into her colon.  He thinks she will need surgery.  So, she will probably end up spending the night in the hospital.  He thinks this blockage in the colon has been causing her all of the pain.

[lighthouse33]

Here is what we know so far.  The biopsy that the gastro did will take two or three days to be read.  The CAT Scan turned out normal so her colon is fine, not perforated.  Last night gastro said that he thinks it is cancer, probably a reoccurence of the cervical cancer and things do not look good.  She will definitely need surgery to get the tumor removed from her colon and to get her kidney unblocked.  That will give her pain relief.  She is back on morphine. 

[Carolina]

Dear Lighthouse,

Thinking of you.   This is an exhausting and emotional time.  Do you get any relief?   You need real time hugs and rest and support.

Everyone is scared and hurting and angry, I imagine.   And being mired i the medical system, while necessary, is overwhelming at the best of times.

Just hang in there.

Hugs

Elaine

[Carebear]

Dear Lighthouse,

You're going through such a difficult time.  I hope you are able to find some quiet time for yourself every now and then amidst all this.  I continue to think about you, and hope the the very best outcome for you and your parents.

[lighthouse33]

Mom had emergency surgery during the night for colon cancer.  She has a 15 cm - 6 inch tumor in her colon.  The doctors were afraid that with no food or water, the gas and the weight of the tumor would cause the colon to perforate.  The surgeon said that they were right on the borderline of that happening.  She could not have made it another day.  They did not remove the tumor they just bypassed it by installing one of those bags - can't think of the medical term for the bags.  This should relieve her pain.  The bag might be temporary depending on her treatment. 

She will have to undergo five and a half weeks of radiation and six weeks of chemo.  Hopefully this will shrink the tumor.  Oncologist says that there is a 60% survival rate. The tumor had grown out of the colon and grown into the tube that attaches the kidney and bladder.  I don't know why they are calling it colon cancer because it is a reoccurence of her cervical cancer.  Maybe one of fthe nurses could explain this.  All of the pain she was having was coming from the build up of gas.

Her throat hurts because of the anesthia and she can't talk and does not want any visitors.

[Carolina]

Dearest Lighthouse,

Blessings and all love sent to you and your family.

This is a long and difficult time ahead for all of you.

Hugs.

Elaine