My father just died-now my body is rebelling

[Sheltiemom]

Dear lurkernomore,

First of all, sending you condolences on the unexpected and devastating loss of your dear dad.  That kind of situation can be extra-stressful, and hoping that you can find a bit of comfort in good memories of times spent with him.

As to the chest/back pain and soaring BP, one of the replies to your post suggested the possibility of a pneumonia, and checking this out might be a good idea just in case.

Another suggestion is, having worked for cardiologists in Biometrics (cardiac testings), it wouldn't hurt to get a repeat EKG and either an echocardiogram or stress echo done - just in case.

Best wishes and please keep us posted as to your health status.

Sheltiemom

[lurkernomore]

Good morning everyone. Thank you for all the caring replies as well as the helpful suggestions. Right now I have no signs of pneumonia, not even a cough or anything of that nature. I am puzzled as to why, when my G.P. has added yet *another* pill to my arsenal that I have already been taking (such as Digoxin and Cardizem) he does not seem to feel the need to just send me on to a cardiologist.

 He knows that I have supraventricular tachycardia, and yet I have never had any other tests done on my heart, other than the EKG's he does right there in his office. I think that when I see him this Thursday I will ask him about this. I just don't feel that it should require three different pills...especially when 100 beats per minute is as low as he can seem to get my heart rate to. I know that the heart is a muscle and, as he explained it, as hard and fast as mine is working and pumping out the blood, it will just wear itself out at this rate.

As for the pain, I have practically always had some type of chest pain. Because when your heart is beating out of control, it will cause pain and soreness. Sometimes, after a bout of really fast beating, the soreness radiates clear through to my back and I am left weak as a kitten.

Add to that, the fact that while I was staying in the Surgical Critical Care Unit of the hospital, where dad was, they kept it so very, very cold in there, that I began experiencing joint pain in my right elbow. I know, it's just an elbow, but it is on my dominant hand and most of the time now, it is puffed up, red and hot to the touch. I am thinking it is Sjogren's-related arthritis. Now THIS, my mother can see! But when I mention it to her or show it to her, she just goes "eh," and ignores it too. I asked her to read just a short magazine article regarding Sjogren's when I was staying there with her and she just said "you know, I just cannot make myself get interested in this stuff, with all that I have wrong with me." Really, I swear she said that.

All I know is that this is a woman that my husband and I have cared for, nursed her through thyroid cancer, delivered her to her radiation treatments, stayed with her after her surgery, then two mini-strokes, heart block and several emphysema-related hospitalizations and it is clear to me now that she does not now, most likely never has, had any feelings for me, other than relying on me to bend over backwards to make every single thing in her life right again. She will intentionally make herself sick and then it is my job to fix it, to make her well again. I just can.not.do.this.anymore-and yet without me, she has absolutely no one else. Because she has been so mean and selfish throughout her entire life that she does not even have a friend to call and check on her on a daily basis. That too, is my job. I feel as if I am going to just collapse under the weight of it all if something does not give. Any suggestions at all...anyone? I really am to the point of desperation right now.

[Suzy]

Hi There,

I am so sorry you are going through this. You are living the nightmare that I am afraid I will encounter one day...except it's my father and not my mother who is the selfish, narcissistic person who will probably end up old and alone. I can only imagine how you feel.

With my father I have learned that I MUST stand my ground and do what's best for me and my family. There's no confrontation involved - I tell him what I am going to do and that's that. I just ignore his attempts at manipulation and ploys for sympathy. I have taken this approach long enough now that it works pretty well.

Don't bother to try to get a narcissist to have empathy - it's a waste of time. If you stand tall and tell her in no uncertain terms that you cannot do it all, then follow through, she will be forced to accept outside help. It doesn't have to be a fight. You are a grown woman and can tell her "No." She can't spank you or send you to your room anymore.

Take care of yourself...
Suzy

[genko_b]

Dear Lurkernomore:

You are under a huge burden and no wonder your body is still rebelling. Our mother also refused to have any help other than family, except for a cleaning woman who came in twice a month and her handyman. My sister ended up living with her the last three years of her life, and giving 24-hour care. Our mother was a sweetheart, and my sister is strong as an ox and wanted to be there, but still it was a huge responsibility and took its toll on her. So I can only imagine how you must be feeling.

Suzy is right that you need to set boundaries and take care of yourself. Your mother has the right to make choices about her own life, but then she must live with those consequences. She does not have the right to make choices about your life - that is yours alone.

You may have hit on something when you said perhaps your doctor could talk to your mother's doctor. Perhaps she will hear what she needs to hear better from the medical folks. Your doctor sounds very supportive of you. Please recruit him to help you with this.

Write some notes to yourself and hang them on the mirror affirming your right to take care of yourself. Schedule time for yourself and when your mother insists you come over at those times, tell her you have something scheduled that cannot be rearranged. Which is true - you need that time to yourself.

Take care and keep in touch - we all care about you and will be sending supportive thoughts and prayers your way.

Genko

[navydad]

If you dont take care of yourself FIRST  you will be no good to anyone and your gonna be in worse shape then you are now,,, resting heart rate of 100 is a bit high for me,,, but of course I never went to med school,,,

[lurkernomore]

Hi Suzy,
You are thinking right when it comes to your dad, it is a nightmare. Truthfully, I have been trying to take care of my mother off and on since I was 17. That was the time when she and my father began separating. She would stop eating, stay up for days and not take her heart meds and be hospitalized. And it worked, my dad would go home. Until the one time when he'd had enough and after 38 years of trying to please her, he left, moved three states away and they divorced. I feel as if I have had to "parent" her most all my life. It has gotten to the point that it's all I can remember.

But I have gone for three days now and not called her. I am not happy or comfortable with doing this. I did call the one and only friend she has left this evening though and she has spoken with her and she is as good as she ever will be. I guess I am just hoping that a light bulb will come on and she will realize that she is driving me away with her total noncompliance and refusal to do one thing that may take a bit of the load off of me.

But after reading your reply tonight, you are right. She is not only a narcissist, but a sociopathic one at that. When she wants to, she can charm anyone and this is how she gets around her doctors. Unfortunately, she has nothing to gain by trying to be nice to me, so she does not hide the nasty. But if I can just wrap my head around the reality, maybe I can learn that I am not helping her by encouraging this selfishness. And I have every intention of keeping that doctor's appointment on Thursday and going for it by telling him how much worse she is behaving. Hopefully he will speak with her doctor. If he won't I suppose I will just call her doctor myself. If the only caregiver she has is unable to take care of all her needs, then her doctor will have to do something, won't she?

[lurkernomore]

Hi Genko,
I like the idea of the notes and the self-affirmation. I have been "parenting" my mother now for so long that I probably cannot think of anything positive to tell myself...but I can try and I need to try. I have a husband and sons and I would like to be around and still sane when and if I have grandchildren someday.

I will keep my doctor's appointment this Wednesday. If he does not see it necessary to call her doctor, then I will call her doctor and tell her the latest. And no one is saying (except for my mom, of course) that I cannot call this organization and get help with her transportation. I just wanted to get her permission/blessing/agreement and allow her some dignity and input when it comes to her care.

But now? She has pushed too far and too hard and I will call around and get whatever help is out there and available to me. I am over fighting this fight (and that is what this all boils down to is a fight) alone anymore. I want to try and see what life is like without constantly worrying and torn up. In other words..I want to see what happiness and joy feels like, at some point, before I die.

[lurkernomore]

Hi Navydad.
Yes, I know you are right...in my head I know that I have to take care of myself first. I have just been raised and made to feel as if taking care of mom is what I needed to do...even when I had small children, she'd pull these stunts.

But I have gone three days and not called her. I needed the break and even though I have worried and it felt...wrong, to not check on her, I know she knows how to call an ambulance if need be. Lord knows she has done it before.

So I am thinking that my "caregiving" days, especially to someone who has never really been capable of caring or feeling anything for me, are drawing to a close. I am going to spend this week doing whatever I can to get some help lined up for her. Then I am going to try and take care of myself, my husband and enjoy or now-grown sons.

[irish]

This is a defining moment for you. It is time for you to say "no" enough, I will not be doing this anymore. I think the doctor was very honest in telling you what will happen if your lifestyle doesn't change.

I know that people who have met me and who read my posts probably think I am very hard core. I am hard core but it came with a lifetime of experiences that finally made me realize that I could not be "everything to everybody". For those of us who think that we must do things just a certain way or suffer the wraith of those around us life can be very tough.

The times comes when one has to rise up and say "I love you" (or whatever you need to say or do) but I cannot do this anymore. Your mother is being extremely selfish in her old age and I would guess that she had a lot of younger years in which she practiced being selfish. It is not your job to sit by her side to the bitter end. Oddly enough, we always feel like we will live with guilt forever if we don't do what a relative wants. The good thing is that there are places that relatives can go to get care. I hope that you can tell her that this isi now the time for her to move on. She cannot expect you to keep her life the way it has been all of her life. She will need to make some changes.

I don't know why some people are so demanding and selfish but I do know that we must treat them with tough love. So many times when we admit a relative to a nursing home, etc. they do so much better than we expected they would. They do not die and or linger in misery.. Usually they have been so lonesome that having people around and activities to go to makes their life worth living again.

Please, please, please get together with your brother and have him help you make a decision about the care of your mother. It is time for you to take care of yourself. Also, I would consider asking your brother to take your dad's dog to the vets to be put to sleep. Hard to do but again, one of those tough love decisions. Your health cannot take all this stress. Imagine the stress it is also putting on your hubby. Take care of yourself and live longer and better. Good luck. Irish

[Suzy]

Lurkernomore,

I just read all of your new posts nodding my head the whole time. Sociopath and narcissit DO often go hand in had. I would say I definitely have that going on in my situation as well.

I am so glad you are doing what's best for you (AND your mom, if you really think about it). In my dad's case, "you reap what you sow," and you can't reap the rewards of having a relationship with your grown children if you didn't sow the seeds when they were growing up. I am just saying this in case you feel any twinges of guilt...

On another note, how are you feeling? I hope you've been able to relax and take care of yourself so that you can enjoy your family.

Suzy

[Joe S.]

Give yourself some time. Everyone is different in how much they need. Be kind to yourself and take care of yourself.

My mother died in April and the flair that came after her death is just now starting to subside.

[harlin]

I am so sorry for the loss of your father. I too lost my father and let me tell you it is one of the worse things you can go thru.
Yes, I am sure stress is the cause of your flair.

God bless and many hugs for you, harlin

[lurkernomore]

Update to all-I have had a quieter week, although I won't lie and say that I have "enjoyed myself." I have been so "trained" to check in on mom every.single.day that it has plagued me with guilt. My poor husband tried taking me out to eat to a really nice restaurant tonight and I wound up being nauseous and barely eating. Maybe, as some of my friends have suggested, I am doing this to myself, and no doubt, it may take years of therapy to undo what has been done but the immediate problem is what do I do with her right now?

After my husband and I got home, we were sitting and trying to wind down for the night, when mom called...at nine thirty. She said she was calling to check on me because I had not called her in three days (actually, today was day four, but who is counting, right?  I don't know why I bothered, but I told her I am not doing so great, explained to her about the blood pressure rising and the rapid heartbeat and next thing you know, she turned the subject back around to HER rapid heartbeat and how horrible she felt when hers acted up. I guess she forgot that we have exactly the same heart problems...the difference is that I really want mine to slow down and she accelerated hers by drinking black coffee and chain smoking.

Somehow, she got off on the subject of not having her scripts tonight because no one was picking them up for her. Yes, she called earlier today but I was on the phone with an old friend, so I did not take her call. I told her that in a case such as this, it would be handy to switch her scripts to the pharmacy just down the hill from where she lives, as they deliver. Cue her excuses as to why she will not change pharmacies.

She went on to whine about having to find a ride to her four different doctor's appointments this month and I brought up an organization who will transport elderly patients to their doctor's appointments. Cue excuses as to why this was not a good enough arrangement for her.

She went on to whine about her doctor's office telling her that she needs more protein in her diet and how she is not able to stand long enough to prepare her own meals. I suggest a program called Meals on Wheels and she went berserk, screaming into the phone for me to just stop trying to micromanage her life for her and WHAT IS MY PROBLEM?!!

By this point, I was in tears and telling her that I could not do this with her anymore. She says "what on earth are you talking about? You are doing NOTHING for me, except sit on the phone, trying to bully me into doing things and I do NOT need any help, I am making it just fine! By then, my heart is pounding, my fingers tingling, as well as the area around my mouth, I am sure from hyperventilating. We ended the conversation with her telling me that I need to get to the doctor, get myself some nerve pills and stop getting myself worked up over nothing. Then she tells me that she will call and check on me tomorrow.

My husband is getting out his BP cufff at this point, and checking my BP and heart rate and the pills must be working a bit, because it was not as bad as I expected, 143/72 qnd heart rate of 115 beats per minute. But still, the top number of the BP is too high and considering I am on three different pills to slow my heart rate down, 115 just is not acceptable. So Thursday, when I go to see my doctor, my husband is taking me and going back with me to explain to my doctor what a simple phone call from my mother is capable of doing to me.

I feel so dadgum angry and stupid for letting her get to me like this. I was only trying to think of some ways, and I told her this, to help her and make it so that I can get better too. She may not want to live any longer, but dang it-I do!!  Oh and as for her talking to me tomorrow, ain't gonna happen! She cannot hurt me unless I allow her to by answering the phone and right now, I am thinking that won't be until at least until after I have seen my doctor on Thursday. Please, if you are the praying kind of person, pray that I will be able to rest tonight and that I will learn how to ignore her attempts at making me feel so obligated and beholden to her. It is like drinking poison and then being surprised when it kills you. I have got to stop this and I know I do. I just do not know how to stop a lifetime of feeling responsible for her, even if it means shortening my lifespan. Has to stop, I know. I just really do not know how to turn off the guilt button.

[irish]

pardon me lurker, but I missed the one post before mine. I see now there were 2 in a row.

Good for you on making the change. You have a good start on asserting your independence and taking care of your health and your family. Sometimes we just do what we have to do---we can't win all the battles. Good luck and hope that blood pressure gets back down. Enjoy your family. Irish

[irish]

lurker, Now I have to post you again cause I just read your new post. Man, you are really getting good in the way your are handling her. She sounds like a first class manipulator and a narcassist to boot. You are doing very well. Just think how much you did take charge of in that conversation before you got the screw driver lodged in your chest. You did good.

Every time you interact with her you will become more cagy and more able to round her off at the pass. She is mad now because you arne't conforming to her way of doing things. Good job. And you have got a very nice hubby ---he is looking out for you. God Bless him!!! Take care now and take deep breaths. Irish