Update to all-I have had a quieter week, although I won't lie and say that I have "enjoyed myself." I have been so "trained" to check in on mom every.single.day that it has plagued me with guilt. My poor husband tried taking me out to eat to a really nice restaurant tonight and I wound up being nauseous and barely eating. Maybe, as some of my friends have suggested, I am doing this to myself, and no doubt, it may take years of therapy to undo what has been done but the immediate problem is what do I do with her right now?
After my husband and I got home, we were sitting and trying to wind down for the night, when mom called...at nine thirty. She said she was calling to check on me because I had not called her in three days (actually, today was day four, but who is counting, right?

I don't know why I bothered, but I told her I am not doing so great, explained to her about the blood pressure rising and the rapid heartbeat and next thing you know, she turned the subject back around to HER rapid heartbeat and how horrible she felt when hers acted up. I guess she forgot that we have exactly the same heart problems...the difference is that I really want mine to slow down and she accelerated hers by drinking black coffee and chain smoking.
Somehow, she got off on the subject of not having her scripts tonight because no one was picking them up for her. Yes, she called earlier today but I was on the phone with an old friend, so I did not take her call. I told her that in a case such as this, it would be handy to switch her scripts to the pharmacy just down the hill from where she lives, as they deliver. Cue her excuses as to why she will not change pharmacies.
She went on to whine about having to find a ride to her four different doctor's appointments this month and I brought up an organization who will transport elderly patients to their doctor's appointments. Cue excuses as to why this was not a good enough arrangement for her.
She went on to whine about her doctor's office telling her that she needs more protein in her diet and how she is not able to stand long enough to prepare her own meals. I suggest a program called Meals on Wheels and she went berserk, screaming into the phone for me to just stop trying to micromanage her life for her and WHAT IS MY PROBLEM?!!
By this point, I was in tears and telling her that I could not do this with her anymore. She says "what on earth are you talking about? You are doing NOTHING for me, except sit on the phone, trying to bully me into doing things and I do NOT need any help, I am making it just fine! By then, my heart is pounding, my fingers tingling, as well as the area around my mouth, I am sure from hyperventilating. We ended the conversation with her telling me that I need to get to the doctor, get myself some nerve pills and stop getting myself worked up over nothing. Then she tells me that she will call and check on me tomorrow.
My husband is getting out his BP cufff at this point, and checking my BP and heart rate and the pills must be working a bit, because it was not as bad as I expected, 143/72 qnd heart rate of 115 beats per minute. But still, the top number of the BP is too high and considering I am on three different pills to slow my heart rate down, 115 just is not acceptable. So Thursday, when I go to see my doctor, my husband is taking me and going back with me to explain to my doctor what a simple phone call from my mother is capable of doing to me.
I feel so dadgum angry and stupid for letting her get to me like this. I was only trying to think of some ways, and I told her this, to help her and make it so that I can get better too. She may not want to live any longer, but dang it-I do!! Oh and as for her talking to me tomorrow, ain't gonna happen! She cannot hurt me unless I allow her to by answering the phone and right now, I am thinking that won't be until at least until after I have seen my doctor on Thursday. Please, if you are the praying kind of person, pray that I will be able to rest tonight and that I will learn how to ignore her attempts at making me feel so obligated and beholden to her. It is like drinking poison and then being surprised when it kills you. I have got to stop this and I know I do. I just do not know how to stop a lifetime of feeling responsible for her, even if it means shortening my lifespan. Has to stop, I know. I just really do not know how to turn off the guilt button.