Author Topic: My father just died-now my body is rebelling  (Read 12593 times)

lurkernomore

  • Guest
Re: My father just died-now my body is rebelling
« Reply #45 on: July 31, 2010, 08:37:03 PM »
Hi Irish,
Thank you so much for replying. I think it was Suzy who confirmed for me that my mother is a sociopathic narcissist and it has never been more clear to me than tonight as I sit her. In fact, as I reflect over my life, I am able to recognize now that she probably loves me as much as she is capable of loving anyone. Which sadly, means not at all.

The anger and vitriol towards me comes, I believe, as a result of her jealousy of the closeness I had with my father. I know I am no therapist but it does seem to be coming in a lot more clearly now. I cannot do a thing for someone who has sat down and given up on life but I can kill myself trying. And I have not even had grandchildren yet, so I am nowhere near ready to go anywhere yet!

lurkernomore

  • Guest
Re: My father just died-now my body is rebelling
« Reply #46 on: August 06, 2010, 09:12:28 AM »
Well, the latest news is that I saw my doctor yesterday. He entered the room and we spoke briefly. Then he told me that he wanted his nurse to do an EKG to see if the latest and third medication he had put me on was helping lower my heartbeat and get the tachycardia under control.

She did the test and he came back in and said "FINALLY," with a big grin on his face! I thought it must be great news and that maybe my heart rate was lower, closer to the perfect 70. Then he told me that with the new medication, we had been able to get my resting heart rate down to 100 beats per-minute. Ummm, that may be better, but even I know that a resting heart rate, when a patient is taking three different meds to lower it, should be better than 100.

I told him that it was most likely "down to 100 BPM because I had not spoken with my mother now in about a week and I was sure that if I had, it would be right back up to at least 150 BPM again. He asked me why and I told him as much as I could, how erratic and unreasonable my mother's behavior seems to be getting and how, even now, mom expects me to continue doing everything for her, refusing help from anyone, organization or private individual, but me.

He told me exactly what I expected to hear. That is that I am in no shape, physically, emotionally or otherwise to care for her. But when I asked him if he would contact mom's doctor, with him being MY doctor, and speak to her about the situation, he more or less shrugged me off. He won't do it. He told me that what I need to do now is to call my mother's GP and fill her in on how much worse my mother is getting physically and mentally. He suggested that if mom's doctor contacted him, then he would be willing to back me up by letting her know then, that I cannot continue dealing with my mother's unreasonable requests and mom's doctor needs to get with her and let her know that, in no uncertain terms, she definitely has to be willing to accept help and let me go or go into a nursing home facility.

Sooooo, that is it. My last hope, my own doctor has let me down and just like everyone else, has thrown it all back into my lap. I am so tired of being "The one and only" when it comes to my mother, a woman who has no feelings of love toward me whatsoever, to make sure that all her needs are met. So I guess that this coming week I will phone her doctor and attempt, one more time, to get through to her just how dire the situation is and hope that if the doctor has any doubts, she will call MY doctor and that he will, indeed, let her know that my days of care-giving are over and that I cannot do it anymore. Otherwise, we go back to things being as they were before and me resigning myself to the fact that I just have to push myself until I keel over, or the woman sits up there and dies a long, smothering and excruciating death. No stress or pressure here at all! :(

irish

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 13559
Re: My father just died-now my body is rebelling
« Reply #47 on: August 06, 2010, 11:49:56 AM »
lurker, I am glad to hear that you heart rate is lower. One hundred is better than 150 and I am sure your body can tell the difference also. It sounds like your doc is doing the best he can for you. I would assume that there are always different meds to be used if needed.

I will add that I don't feel that your doc is throwing you under the bus. I guess this comes down to you. I hate to be so blunt, but it is your responsibility to call your mom's doc and tell him/her what is going on. You know that your mom is going to fill her doc's ear with a less than accurate story. Your own doctor could get himself in a big load of trouble my stepping in here. The legal laws now days are such that he won't tread where he is not needed---at least for the time being.

It really is hard to deal with a manipulative, controlling parent. These type of people (parent or not) are really playing a big game with all people they interact with. The reason they act like this is because of some type of need that is unfullfilled in their life and they get gratification by making everyone else jump. Now, stop and think about this, how many years have people been jumping to your mother's tune??? Does she have anything to do with people who don't jump when she tells them to. I doubt it. She most likely surrounds herself with people who just cave in and do what she wants. Does this make her happy? I bet not! I bet that if people had started confronting her when she was a toddler she would not have become this bad. When people find that they can "run the show" without getting stomped on they will continue to do it. Most people get so they don't want anything to do with your mom and this in turn makes her feel more isolated and unfullfilled which in turn makes her demanding behavior even worse. It is a never ending cycle and someone, sometime has to say "no" for some reason and your "name" came up.

I guess if it was me I would write a letter to her and tell her you love her but tell her you can't take care of her, etc. Tell her that you had to write as the conversations ,whether in person or on the phone,  always end up being loud, long, etc. Tell her your health isn't good and you need to take time for yourself. Tell her all things kindly and tell her that if she wants to talk about it she can wait until you are feeling better. Leave a door open for a down the road confrontation. She will probably stew and fret and feel sorry for herself and she may end up calling her doctor. If her doctor calls your doctor then he will say something. Until then his hands are tied as it is pretty much a family issue that has to be dealt with by you.

I really do feel for you as I had a parent who was very hard to deal with---I think we have all had a touch of this in our lives. It is hard to deal with the guilt. However, you have health issues and a family and your family comes before your mother. Even Dr. Laura would say that. Good luck and I hope that you get feeling rested and guiltless. Irish

Cactus

  • Guest
Re: My father just died-now my body is rebelling
« Reply #48 on: August 06, 2010, 12:43:09 PM »
Hello lurkernomore

I just had to reply to your post as the very same situation was happening to me 2 years ago. I was becoming so stressed and ill I had to approach my mothers doctor to let him know the situation. I had put up with it for far too long and I just know how emotionally draining the guilt can be. I was the only relative she had left and she refused all other help. She died last year just as her doctor was going to assess her needs. I don't know if I am still in mourning or going through post traumatic stress, but I really sympathise with you.

I do hope your health improves soon and please see your mums doctor a.s.a.p. You have done your best.

Lots of (((((hugs)))))).

lighthouse33

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1166
Re: My father just died-now my body is rebelling
« Reply #49 on: August 06, 2010, 01:36:29 PM »
The problem is with the laws.  We found this out when one of our relatives was in the hospital.  We told the nurses that we were in no condition to care for this person if they came home in the state they were.  The nurse indicated that even if the doctor sent him to a nursing home to recover that Medicare would just kick him out after a couple of days.  And besides that unless the pateint gives his CONSENT to go there, the doctor cannot put him there.  I was dumfounded!  So, I wonder if the patient were incoherent if the doctor could sign the paperwork then?  I can guarantee you that this person will never give his consent.  So we are heading down the same road. 
Female
Primary Sjogren's, polyneuropathy, endomitriosis, dietary fructose intolerance
Plaquenil, Lyrica, Tramadal, Omeprazole, Fortical, fish oil, flaxseed oil, benefiber, centrum chewable mulitviitamin, caltrate chewable 600 D+minerals, WSN Nerve Support Formula, Align, Biotene Products

irish

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 13559
Re: My father just died-now my body is rebelling
« Reply #50 on: August 06, 2010, 10:09:34 PM »
I worked in long term nursing for 25 years and when someone needs to be in a nursing home for care there are legal means to see that this gets done. First of all, each hospital, county and nursing home has a social worker and her job is to help see that a patient is given the appropriate care.

There are criteria that has to be met in order to get into a nursing home and criteria that is assessed to make sure that people stay in if necessary. Sometimes the family has to get a guardianship in order to make the legal decisions for the appropriate care. If the family can't do it because of health reason, etc then the court appoints someone to be a guardian. Most counties have people who do guardianships for others almost as a job. Other times there are neighbors, friends, relatives or even lawyers who take over the guardianship as appointed by the courts.

If someone is in really bad condition physically and mentally there is usually help as soon as legally possibly. If people are borderline and can get along at home with the help of health care workers through the county this can be done. If the person starts to get worse the country is able to help get thim into a facility but with the input of relatives. Not everyone in a family is happy about how these things turn out and the thing to remember is that what needs to be done needs to be done.

If some member of a family doesn't think that "grandma" needs to be in a nursing home when she really does than that family member had better be prepared to move in with grandma. Elderly people who are left in their home when they are in dire need of help often have greedy relatives who don't want to spend the money. These relatives had better pay heed because with the laws now days they stand a chance of being reported to social services for abuse/neglect. There is a pretty stiff fine that goes with thiis if the family is tried and found guilty.

I don't know if everybody knows this, but we are all reporters mandated by the state. I would check this out for the state that you live in, but I would guess that much of this is state and federal laws in the USA. This means that if any of us see an elderly or disabled person being abused either physically or verbally we are to  call the social services in the county in which the event took place. We are not required to tell them our name. They only want the names of the people involved in this event and for us to explain what we saw. After that it is out of our hands and it is totally in the hands of the social worker to investigate the charges and conditions of the patient, etc to see what is going on. It is a fairly good way to do things and gets attention drawn to incidents that need to be addressed. The people who reports the incident usually never hears a word about what happens which is good. Sort of reinforces the anonymity of the situation. Irish


lurkernomore

  • Guest
Re: My father just died-now my body is rebelling
« Reply #51 on: August 07, 2010, 10:03:48 AM »
I called my mom last night. She was really sullen and made it obvious that she was upset with me because I have put an end to my daily calling to check in on her. She did finally get around to asking me if I had a doctor's appointment yesterday, did I go and what did he have to say? I think that she was hoping that this third pill would magically "fix it all" and things would just go back as they were before. What she was not happy to hear was that my doctor pretty much told me that I am not "out of the woods" yet and that basically, what my body was experiencing was a combo of shock and exhaustion...like the "old-timey" exhaustion that they use to hospitalize people for. Now, they just tell people to go home, rest whenever and however they can and not be committing themselves to anything or anyone until they felt they had more strength and energy to do so. She followed that up by asking me "so how long do you think that will take?" Oh....DER!!!!!

Anyway, my doctor did do some blood-work yesterday and I am not sure what that was for. When I told mom that, she just blew that off. It was as if she were saying, "okay, enough about you-now back to me," LOL!

But right now, my main concern is what you were telling me regarding the possibility that a social worker could just randomly decide that I have been neglectful of my mother and possibly even file charges against me? I cannot even begin to tell you how upsetting the possibility of this happening is to me! I honestly do not know how or what else I can do at this point, other than to call my mother's doctor and report to her regarding my mother's most recent behavior and failure to comply, whether it be with what the doctors are telling her, or with what my husband and I try to do for her.

The sad part about all this is that she has no respect or concern for the impact that her poor choices have on my or my family's lives. That she would sit on the phone with me and boast about the fact that she has been sitting there for the past two hours, not using the oxygen, which her doctors have told her to use 24 hours a day, because, in her words, she does not want to become dependent upon it. Her lungs are shot, she is in end-stage emphysema, and yet-she does not want to become dependent about the one thing which just may extend her life-span? What am I suppose to do with such information? Especially when telling me such things, and all for the joy that she gets from watching me literally gasp, because I am so worried, so upset and that is what she is counting on. This is what makes her life worth living.

I literally do not know what to do or where to turn now. Finally, I am beginning to try and find some peace and happiness. Finally, I have reconciled, in my mind, that nothing I do or say to her is going to change who she is or what she is. And for that...some social worker could have the authority to report me and say that I have been neglectful where my mother is concerned? Man....I really am just dumbfounded here. Just...I do not even know how I am supposed to feel about that.

Katybarstool

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3994
Re: My father just died-now my body is rebelling
« Reply #52 on: August 07, 2010, 03:17:52 PM »
Lurker

I hear what is being said about Social Workers, but if it's the same as in the UK, Social Workers have to assess the carers needs, if relevant. So, as someone who is struggling herself, and has her own health/care needs,  I imagine it would be hard for them to make a case of negligence against you

Kathyx

lurkernomore

  • Guest
Re: My father just died-now my body is rebelling
« Reply #53 on: August 07, 2010, 05:58:32 PM »
Thank you for that. I realize now that I most likely overreacted to that news. I am just so tired and my emotions are so raw feeling right know, you know? I just don't know how I could possibly do anymore than what I have tried to do. And whatever I have tried to do for her has just never been enough.

We are at the stage now that I really see no other way than for mom to have a complete mental evaluation done and let her doctor take it from there. Of course, I tried getting her doctor to do this before and she wouldn't do one. So I just don't know what else I can do.

irish

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 13559
Re: My father just died-now my body is rebelling
« Reply #54 on: August 07, 2010, 09:49:32 PM »
lurker, I was in no way-non-nada-whatsoever referring to you about negligence. I was just adding some information about the laws, etc for lighthouse---and I was not insinuating that she was negligent. Often relatives are so overwrought with all that falls on their shoulders during grandma and grandpa nursing home or hospital stay that things can get pretty hard to sort out.

It is really hard to get the nursing staff and the families to meet in the middle for the good of the patient. There are so darn many laws and regulations that sometimes seem beyond reason. The truth of the matter is that many of these laws and rules have had to be made because somewhere, somebody did something one too many times and the government decided enough of that.

Just remember that it is ok to report to the social service department in the form of an anonymous complaint. Sometimes things happen that the kids are not aware of and often these concerned friends or neighbors save a life or prevent injury.

I just read over the post I did above on nursing homes/caregivers/family, etc. I will apologize if I insulted anyone, but the intent was to do a little educating about the ins and ours of nursing homes and how they work and how some of the laws apply. This was an in-general post with information that is what I would consider to be in the nice-to-know and need-to know category. Irish
« Last Edit: August 07, 2010, 09:56:18 PM by irish »

lurkernomore

  • Guest
Re: My father just died-now my body is rebelling
« Reply #55 on: August 08, 2010, 07:30:34 PM »
No Irish, I was the one who did the overreacting to your attempt to reply and for that I owe you a huge apology! You have been nothing but kind, understanding and more than willing to listen to all my babbling ever since I began this thread. So please accept my apology, I am the one who was in the wrong.

I am sure that one way or another, this situation will work it's way out. And I do thank you for the listening ear and the shoulder to cry on, from everyone. It has meant more to me than words can express.

irish

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 13559
Re: My father just died-now my body is rebelling
« Reply #56 on: August 08, 2010, 07:59:03 PM »
lurker, Everything is ok so hang in there and you will get through this bloody mess. Everyone of us have something that bogs us down and when we can get through it and still add 2 + 2 we can have a feeling of accomplishment. Keep it up girl---you are on the right tracik. Irish ;D