Sjogrens World Forums

Sjogrens Topics => Living With Sjogren's => Topic started by: ruby52 on February 25, 2009, 06:39:41 AM

Title: Means well
Post by: ruby52 on February 25, 2009, 06:39:41 AM
My DH is trying to help fix me.Someone at work told him they are helped by acupuncture for back pain. When he makes these suggestions I don't know how to explain to him why I don't want to make the appt.He gets frustrated and thinks I just don't want to get better.I'm to tired to even think of where to put the needles in.My lower and upper back,my legs,thighs,neck,arms,hands feet?I picture me as a pin cushion.I just had him read the Spoon Theory not long ago but explaining the different pains I experience leaves me at a loss.I'm not looking for a cure anymore.I am more accepting and make good use of the days I can.The last couple of months I have had better days and so I've made an effort to go places and do things together.He's been supportive from the beginning but I don't know how to respond to his plans to fix me.
Title: Re: Means well
Post by: Lacey1981 on February 25, 2009, 08:15:28 AM
Aww he does mean well and I'm sure he hates seeing you in so much pain and feeling like he can't do anything. That being said men by nature are fixers. It's what they do. Two men can be talking about a problem and one will suggest answers the other man is happy. When you hear two women talking they sympathizes and build rapport the other usually doesn't try ti fix it. So when men and women talk the man thinks that she wants her problem fixed. Men in general just don't get the whole listen and offer support thing. It's just how people are made (we're all different) so we all have to make an effort to relate to each other better. So try to understand his need to fix while at the same time try explaining to him that you don't need him to fix just to listen right now. Hope you feel better soon.

Title: Re: Means well
Post by: wednesday mc haggis on February 25, 2009, 08:37:54 AM

i see both sides here, i can honestly say i understand that by the time you deal with everyday life, with SJS means by time you go to another appointment your whacked, i also can see that maybe your DH feels helpless seeing you on bad days and this is way of feeling less so.

 How about compromise??  why not tell him truly how you feel, and say ok i ll try this like youd like me to, and if it doesnt help after giving it a go, then can we agree just to leave me be ??

  Its just mt tuppence worth, no one can know how you feel and what you energy levels are like, but i know i went to bowen therapy and i do feel better now 5 weeks later, but each week i admit i dragged myself there in exhaustion not wanting to go. 5 weeks later i feel alot better and my energy is better  and my good days are more plentiful, and im glad my work sent me and im glad i threw myself out the door almost wanting to bubble rather than go .

T x
Title: Re: Means well
Post by: JannaLee on February 25, 2009, 08:57:43 AM
I agree with Lacey and Wednesday!

My husband and 2 sons were always trying to make me do things and then feeling very FRUSTRATED when I didn't want to but still complained all the time.

Finally I read that book "Men are from Mars Women are from Venus" and was taught exactly what Lacey said about men being "fixers" and women being "talkers"!

So I explained it to all my boys and gave them EXACT instructions of what to do for me. 

This was at least 10 years ago.  Still today I preface my remarks with "This is one of those times all I need is a hug and sad eyes from you and the words, "Really?...Aw, that sounds awful...Aw....really?...I'm sorry you are having a rough time.."

Then I ALWAYS thank them and tell them their support makes me feel so much better and I appreciate them so much and I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't talk about all this.

Another thing the book said was that men really need to feel needed, appreciated and that their contribution is helping.  Women usually just know that about each other.


The other part of this is to open your mind to his ideas and try one out every now and then...even if it kills you.  But he may have a lot fewer ideas and feel tremendous relief when you tell him exactly what you need from him and then respond positively.

Total empathy and "been there. done that" to you Rubes honey!
Title: Re: Means well
Post by: Pooh on February 25, 2009, 11:00:31 AM
Girls I really loved your answers to Ruby and about 12 years ago I would have agreed with you in a heart beat..........however.........nothing changes those rules faster than a man being dx'd with an AI like you.

My hubby was always the fixer and I was the comforter, then he was dx'd with Lupus, COPD, Asthma and Emphasema. 

The tables turned and now we are both fixers and comforters. 

So now we both help one another and are willing to try anything the other suggests.  He stresses over my walking and falling, I stress as it breaks my heart to watch him try to get his breath and do the simplest of tasks. 

Life hands us all challenges and we have to handle them each in our own way, with a little help from our friends and best buds.  ;D

Ruby I have heard a lot of good things about acupuncture.  My Mom went through a course of it for her RA and loved it. It helped her a great deal. 

Take care all,

Title: Re: Means well
Post by: ruby52 on February 25, 2009, 11:52:20 AM
You all make perfect sense.Thank-you for responding.Yeah I know guys are fixers for sure.i'm not opposed to trying it out I just don't know where they should start.He complains about all the meds we both need and lab bills and suggests starting something that I know will be an ongoing therapy.He just surprised me.I thought I was doing much better.The pain I'm having now is osteoarthritis in my back and muscle and nerve pain in legs  early morning and late afternoon into evening.Acupunture could help that?I think he wants our old life back myself and I can't help that.It's his elderly father that's here and lately it seems he's blaming me because I get tired so fast during our outings or can't go to many places in one day.I think he's having a difficult time making the decision to place his Dad it's going on 4yrs. now.