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Sjogrens Topics => Living With Sjogren's => Topic started by: Bopeep on February 09, 2011, 07:36:13 AM

Title: The darkest days and does that mean a huge flare up
Post by: Bopeep on February 09, 2011, 07:36:13 AM
hi everyone. I just wanted to tell you all that my wonderful supportive husband died suddenly on Friday night suddenly.

I am just beside myself, I cant think straight. Its like a huge hole inside where my hear used to be.

We own a small farm 60 acres and run 250  sheep on it. So I just cant hide away in a corner.

Please can anyone tell me how to ward off a huge flare up.

Oh god what will I do without my big gental compassionate teddy bear.
Title: Re: The darkest days and does that mean a huge flare up
Post by: Joe S. on February 09, 2011, 07:51:51 AM
Oh, I am so sorry for you. When mom died, I had an RA flair. I tried to find some quiet time for pray and meditation. Calling the relatives was hard. I went through her email contacts and phone contacts. She prepared me for what had to be done, and told me where things were. Take time for yourself. About 6 to 8 months after everything was done I had my flair - RA, Fibro, and Sjs. I allowed myself one week of depression but it lasted a little longer.
Title: Re: The darkest days and does that mean a huge flare up
Post by: Bopeep on February 09, 2011, 08:00:11 AM
Thanks for that Joe. I do meditate, down by the river that runs through our property. I cant get to grips that hes gone he was only 57 years old.
They couldnt find what was wqrong until after he died. Whats the odds that he had a disease rarer than Sjogrens. He was diagnosed with Amaloidosis. I HAVE to ward off a flare up, I have so many lives, as in stock to have to care about. I dont know if I can feel this horrid hurt for 6 to 8 months, its been only days and it feel so black.
I know theres nothing anyone can do to make the pain go away, but telling my extended family and friends  ( all you guys ) just seems to help somehow.
Title: Re: The darkest days and does that mean a huge flare up
Post by: COLLYGIRL on February 09, 2011, 08:13:38 AM
I am so sorry for your loss.  I will pray for you and your family during this difficult time.
Title: Re: The darkest days and does that mean a huge flare up
Post by: warmwaters on February 09, 2011, 08:29:15 AM
Oh BoPeep, I am so sorry. What a difficult thing to deal with. You will be in our thoughts.

On a practical level, are there people who can help you with all of this? Folks to help with the farm (ranch? I'm not sure of terms), and  to help with all the logistics of dealing with a loss such as yours.  If there are, reach out now and ask for help. And if there are people who you find comforting, a sister, a friend, a son or daughter, see if they can be with you now.  It's ok to lean on someone if you can. My daughter always makes me feel better, even when I feel physically horrible.

Taking care of your self will mean using what you can to try to preserve your energy and your health. Doesn't guarantee holding off a flare, but may it will help some.

Let us know how you are doing... You know there's always a friendly ear here.
Title: Re: The darkest days and does that mean a huge flare up
Post by: Joe S. on February 09, 2011, 08:30:26 AM
Do you have any neighbors that can help with the farm work while you are going through this? I know my uncle helped other and my farmer friends do also.
Title: Re: The darkest days and does that mean a huge flare up
Post by: Liz D. on February 09, 2011, 08:33:47 AM
Oh, Bopeep,  I am so sorry.  My heart goes out to you.  Can't even imagine what you must be going through.  Like everyone has said, see if there are family and friends that can help with the farm.  Explain that this extreme situation will effect adversely your already bad health and that you really need their support.

But be sure to take time for yourself and not to push the grieving process.  Everyone is different and it takes different times for people.  Just do what you have to, not what you expect you should do!

Liz D.
Title: Re: The darkest days and does that mean a huge flare up
Post by: ohiolady on February 09, 2011, 09:03:08 AM
Bopeep,

There are no words to say how truly sorry I am for you and the loss of your beloved husband.  What a shock at only 57 years old.  I can only imagine how you must feel.  Grieving is hard work and takes time and you cannot rush yourself through it.  Allow yourself to grieve this awful loss.  It is my prayer for you that a large number of friends and family will surround you during this time with love and support.

Anna
Title: Re: The darkest days and does that mean a huge flare up
Post by: Crymeariver on February 09, 2011, 09:22:31 AM
I'm so sorry to hear of your loss.  When you can take a moment for yourself, you might read or listen to the book "The Year of Magical Thinking" by Joan Didion about the year after her husband died unexpectedly.  I thought it was a very well written and lovely book. 

You have my condolences.

Title: Re: The darkest days and does that mean a huge flare up
Post by: dbab on February 09, 2011, 09:57:41 AM
I'm very sorry for your loss BoPeep.  My thoughts are with through this time. 
Title: Re: The darkest days and does that mean a huge flare up
Post by: Diane54 on February 09, 2011, 09:59:23 AM
I am so sorry for your loss. You have my deepest sympathies. Take one day at a time as slow as you need to!
Title: Re: The darkest days and does that mean a huge flare up
Post by: Smudge on February 09, 2011, 10:05:52 AM
I'm so sorry.   :'(
Title: Re: The darkest days and does that mean a huge flare up
Post by: Nathan on February 09, 2011, 10:30:58 AM
I am so sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Title: Re: The darkest days and does that mean a huge flare up
Post by: sage on February 09, 2011, 10:32:13 AM
Bopeep: Very sorry to hear of your Husband's passing - what a shock.  Please get all the help and support that you can find.  You won't necessarily have a flare but obviously you have much more to deal with than many people and need a lot of rest.  Let us know if there is anything we can do to help in any way.   Sage
Title: Re: The darkest days and does that mean a huge flare up
Post by: Bucky on February 09, 2011, 11:07:21 AM
(((Bopeep))) - I am so sorry for your loss.  I'm sure you are still in shock from your husbands sudden, unexpected death.  It's going to take time for everything to sink in. 

Are there any neighbors nearby who know about sheep that can help you with the farm for now?  I know that has got to be a huge responsibility on top of everything else going on right now.

Maybe, if you don't have any neighbors who know about sheep, perhaps there is a farmers network or something there where they can give you some names of people who could step in to help you.  Here, in IL, I read quite often about farmers who get hurt or are sick and other farmers step in to plant and harvest their crops for them. 

In the past, I'm guessing you sold sheep.  Maybe, wherever it is you sell them, they could give you some names or suggestions for help on the farm.

I wish there was something we could do to help you. 

Don't forget to keep taking your medicine and to eat.  Many times when people are grieving they don't eat much - you've got to keep your strength up so you don't come down with colds, flu, etc.

Keep in contact with us . . .
Hugs,
Bucky
Title: Re: The darkest days and does that mean a huge flare up
Post by: Scottietottie on February 09, 2011, 11:10:59 AM
Hi BoPeep

I can't begin to imagine what you are going through right now. I am so sorry. You must be hurting so badly.

I hope you have people close who will support you at this difficult time. Please take up any offer of help that comes your way.

I don't know how you ward off a flare. You may not have one but grief is about the most stress we are ever under and stress does seem to trigger flares. It will take a while for you to think straight. I hope someone is with you.

Take care - Scottie
Title: Re: The darkest days and does that mean a huge flare up
Post by: mebog on February 09, 2011, 01:10:09 PM
OOO, BoPeep,  I'm so sorry for you, I don't usually post but this time I had to.  I assure you that I'll be praying for you.  I know God will know just who I'm talking about when I ask Him to take care of BoPeep.


Love and Prayers,  mebog
Title: Re: The darkest days and does that mean a huge flare up
Post by: Cheryl on February 09, 2011, 01:22:29 PM
BoPeep,
  How shocked and scared you must feel!  I'm very sorry for you.   I hope that no flare results from this.  I'm proud that you are able to keep up your responsibilities, and I hope that they give you motivation to get through this difficult time.  Please take care of yourself.  Make yourself eat and rest, even if you don't care to.    You have a big group of us here who care.  I wish we could come there and help with all the work.
Hugs and prayers,
Cheryl
Title: Re: The darkest days and does that mean a huge flare up
Post by: Carebear on February 09, 2011, 01:40:01 PM
Dear BoPeep,

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your wonderful husband.  You are among friends here and I'm glad you are able to share with us.

I just lost my father, and I have not suffered a flare.  It may come later, as Joe mentioned, but I am thankful that while I am in the thick of things, my health has remained somewhat stable.  I hope that is the case for you, dear BoPeep.

Give yourself as much time as you need to grieve.  Try to eat well and get plenty of rest.  Just do what you must do for now, and let everything else wait. And please keep sharing with us.
Title: Re: The darkest days and does that mean a huge flare up
Post by: rnathans on February 09, 2011, 01:50:31 PM
I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Title: Re: The darkest days and does that mean a huge flare up
Post by: Rhonda on February 09, 2011, 01:53:24 PM
BoPeep - there are no words to console you, but please know you are in my thoughts and my prayers.  Bless you.
Title: Re: The darkest days and does that mean a huge flare up
Post by: Dolly Dimples on February 09, 2011, 02:22:16 PM
 So so sad Bopeep,
    Cant add more than what has already been said,  but  you will get through this my dear,
                 Dont try to do what you can't !
  Your health comes first , take all help that you can and go with the flow.
                   Remember your dear hubby would not want you to panic, he will be with you all the way too.
                                       God Bless and chin up, Sincere sympathy, Dollly x
   
Title: Re: The darkest days and does that mean a huge flare up
Post by: Reanne on February 09, 2011, 02:32:16 PM
I want to offer my condolences.  I am so very sorry for your loss.  I pray you find strength in the days ahead.  Take care of yourself. 
Title: Re: The darkest days and does that mean a huge flare up
Post by: harrigan on February 09, 2011, 02:44:49 PM
Oh Bopeep, what a terrible shock for you.  My thoughts are with you in the days ahead.  I hope you have good friends and family to support you through this time.  Please stay in touch and remember we are all here for you and ready to listen.  I wish there was more we could do to help.  With love  xx Ailsa
Title: Re: The darkest days and does that mean a huge flare up
Post by: One and only on February 09, 2011, 03:07:28 PM
Its going to be hard, its going to be rough, you will cry, you will get angry, you are going to run though the gamut of emotions that we humans were either blessed or cursed to endure, at this very moment I am thinking of you and hoping that you find some kind of inner strength to carry on, so cry when you need to, lean on people when you have some to lean on,, take teh help that I am sure is offered, by friends family or even complete strangers,, Hold your head up as high as it can go, but dont be afraid to lower it and feel the pain
Title: Re: The darkest days and does that mean a huge flare up
Post by: Meld256 on February 09, 2011, 03:30:10 PM
Bopeep,

No words can express how sorry I am to hear of your dear husband's passing. I can only imagine how your heart feels torn apart. Yes, still a rather young man at 57, and what a shock to you.
For whatever it's worth, you have many, many friends here praying and thinking of you.

The next few weeks may just be a blur; take all help that's offered. You know how people say "let me know if you need anything?" Well, tell them specifically what they can do: make a call, feed the sheep, hug me, listen to me. We can take care of part of that listen part.  ;)
Is there some sort of ranch association there in New Zealand that could help you during this time? Surely someone in that regard might be able to help you with some of the farming responsibilites so you can take care of yourself for now. Please let me know if I can help contacting any of themt; I would be more than willing, ok?
Love from your Sjoggie friends, dear.
Melinda
Title: Re: The darkest days and does that mean a huge flare up
Post by: Ohiocat on February 09, 2011, 03:39:00 PM
At a time like this,  words never seem to be adequate.  I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this.

Feeling like you have no idea how you are going to deal with this, is a very real emotion.   So is the feeling that "I just don't have the time to deal with my pain right now".....cause you got so many things that you now have to deal with.

Just know that all of us are sending prayers your way.   Please remember to take care of yourself as you deal with this.
Title: Re: The darkest days and does that mean a huge flare up
Post by: Bobbie on February 09, 2011, 03:47:06 PM
Dear BoPeep,

So very sorry to hear of your lost.   My thoughts and prayers are with you.  Please take care. 

Bobbie
Title: Re: The darkest days and does that mean a huge flare up
Post by: susan on February 09, 2011, 04:15:45 PM
I am so sorry to hear of your huge loss!
It is so overwhelming; be as gentle with yourself as you can.
Title: Re: The darkest days and does that mean a huge flare up
Post by: sis on February 09, 2011, 05:42:33 PM
Holding you in my thoughts and prayers.
Title: Re: The darkest days and does that mean a huge flare up
Post by: Cricket on February 09, 2011, 06:23:08 PM
I am so very sorry for your loss, my prayers are with you.

Please keep us posted on how you are doing
Cricket
Title: Re: The darkest days and does that mean a huge flare up
Post by: eyeamdry on February 09, 2011, 06:35:50 PM
Dear Bopeep:  I can't imagine the anguish you are feeling right now.  I am so sorry of the untimely passing of your husband.  Be sure and try to take care of yourself.  Perhaps there are some young men who are neighbors and would know how to help you with the livestock.  Best to you.  Lucy
Title: Re: The darkest days and does that mean a huge flare up
Post by: BonusMom on February 09, 2011, 09:19:02 PM
I am so saddened to hear of your loss, BoPeep.  Your hubby was so young, too young to be taken from you.  What a huge undertaking you have ahead of you, running the farm.  I do hope that family and/or neighboring farmers will lend a hand in the difficult times ahead.

Like CareBear, I recently lost my Dad and have not experienced a flare.  I don't know if it's a delayed reaction or what???  Could simply be the difference between losing a parent and losing a soulmate because I'm well aware that there IS a difference.

Please be kind and nurturing to yourself.  We'll be here when you need us.
Title: Re: The darkest days and does that mean a huge flare up
Post by: season on February 09, 2011, 09:31:38 PM
I give you a warm, soft, comforting hug.

The grieving process can really be taxing on you physically and mentally. As this will take some time, you must take care of yourself even when you don't feel like it.

I'm so sorry for your loss.
Title: Re: The darkest days and does that mean a huge flare up
Post by: irish on February 09, 2011, 10:07:14 PM
Oh BoPeep, What a loss you have had. I can only imagine the pain you are feeling. I would think that you don't even know where to start. There is nothing that can take away your pain and grief.

I can only hope that there is someone to help you with all of the responsibility with the sheep. I don't know where you are on the calendar, but I would hope that lambing is either over or not due for a while. That is a very stressful time with a herd of sheep that big.

I am wondering if it might be wise for you to see your doctor to see if there is anything you can do to help your body deal with the stress. Your doc needs to at least know of these circumstances I would think.

Like the rest have said, do only what you have to do and try to rest. Is there someone that you respect who could offer advice on options regarding the future and your herd?? This will be a daunting issue that will necessitate investigation. Know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. I hope that you are able to sleep. That is so important. Irish
Title: Re: The darkest days and does that mean a huge flare up
Post by: Sha on February 09, 2011, 10:08:36 PM
Hugs and  :-* :-* :-* :-* are being sent to you!

Love ya!

Sha
Title: Re: The darkest days and does that mean a huge flare up
Post by: DryEyes on February 09, 2011, 10:26:06 PM
BoPeep

My deepest of sympathies.  You and yours are in my thoughts and prayers .... 
Title: Re: The darkest days and does that mean a huge flare up
Post by: SueAnn on February 10, 2011, 03:08:40 AM
I am so sorry for your loss,  my thoughts will be with you.

SueAnn
Title: Re: The darkest days and does that mean a huge flare up
Post by: anita on February 10, 2011, 05:12:50 AM
Bopeep,

So very sorry for your loss.  Hold tight the memories you have with him.  Take this one day at a time.  He will be with you...always.
Title: Re: The darkest days and does that mean a huge flare up
Post by: Carolina on February 10, 2011, 06:03:01 AM
Dearest BoPeep,

I just read your post this morning.

There are never words, only closeness and touches to help bear the sorrow and burden.

You, your heart, body, mind and spirit are one being and now you are bereft. 

You can't control the grieving, BoPeep,  or how you react in mind, body, heart and spirit.

I pray that there others, family, friends, neighbors who will step in now to help you.

Love,

Elaine


Title: Re: The darkest days and does that mean a huge flare up
Post by: Bopeep on February 10, 2011, 07:21:14 AM
Thankyou all so much for your thoughts, prayers, and common sense suggestions.
Apart from all your messages and well wishes I have been amazed at who has just dropped on by and has offered to help. Even people I dont really know.
Thankfully here in NZ its mid summer and lambing is well over. Our stock agent arrived out here and helped me cull 100 sheep out to make the flock more manageable for me.He assured me that all our new little lambies weren't going to the works for slaughter, (as those of you that have had anything to do with farming will know by that comment that I have a lot of toughening up to do )

In NZ we dont have anything like the farm, or ranch support systems some of you talk about, which is in hind sight I think probably a good thing. I find it very hard to accept or ask for help from any one, and am a bit frightened I may come to rely on others too much and become a big pain in the neck.
I have been wondering if I shouldn't be trying to get in to see my specialist, then wonder what he could, do so disregard the idea.
People tell me that the worst of it is over, as today we buried my darling Bill, but in the wee hours of the morning as it is now it doesnt seem better.
I know I have to keep eating and resting, but my body is telling me otherwise. I cant sleep and as far as eating goes it just gets stuck in my throat. This is not a new thing, just one I havent addressed before. does anyone else have problems of food not wanting to pass the neck area, and is there something I can do to make it easier to swallow?

I can feel all your love and prayers and thankyou everyone for your well wishes and kind support.
Love Colleen


Title: Re: The darkest days and does that mean a huge flare up
Post by: Carolina on February 10, 2011, 07:50:54 AM
Oh dearest  Colleen,

The worst of it has so many components. 

Angel, it isn't over.

It has just begun.   Thank god we do it only one day and night at a time.

BE a burden, let people  help you.   It is a gift to others to accept their help.

You will need to share your thoughts and feeling, especially about your beloved Bill.

To relive your life with Bill, to share your memories and sorrow, this will be a need for YEARS.

Please come here to share with us, or even with me in messages.

You will need to share for so long, it is so important for you to do that.

Please keep sharing.

Kisses

Elaine

Title: Re: The darkest days and does that mean a huge flare up
Post by: amberjolie1 on February 10, 2011, 08:39:55 AM
I am so sorry to hear about your husband.  Big hugs to you.  I hope you have someone who can help you through this, like a family member or good fried.  I don't really have any good advice, having not gone through what you are going through, but the other posts seem to be giving good advice.
Title: Re: The darkest days and does that mean a huge flare up
Post by: CAT1962 on February 10, 2011, 08:55:39 AM
Oh, Bopeep..I am so, so sorry!  :'( I don't even know what to tell you. It takes time, is the only thing I can think of. I will certainly keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Please, stay in touch here.....
Title: Re: The darkest days and does that mean a huge flare up
Post by: sissyjane on February 10, 2011, 09:29:30 AM
I'm so, so sorry. You and your family will be in my prayers.
Title: Re: The darkest days and does that mean a huge flare up
Post by: Joe S. on February 10, 2011, 10:50:27 AM
If you were close, there is a chance that you will hear his voice or feel his presence for months to come. This was some thing that mom confided with me when dad passed. It went so far on a couple of occasions that she had arguments with him. Her voice is starting to disappear from me now. Both mom and dad are on my mind from time to time. I often remember things that Jan's dad and mom would say also as the situation presents itself.

I have had months of things to deal with after mom's death. I have her taxes yet to deal with.
Title: Re: The darkest days and does that mean a huge flare up
Post by: Scottietottie on February 10, 2011, 10:55:01 AM
Hi Bopeep  :)

I don't know how anyone can tell you 'the worst is over'. The next year is going to be hard. Every time there is a special day, birthday, anniversary etc - it will be hard. Grief is a process and passing through it takes different people different amounts of time. It has no deadline.

I haven't lost a husband but my mother's death hit me very hard and I lost my appetite for ages. I felt as though I was floating on autopilot for at least a month. I seemed to be in a parallel reality.

I understand you not wanting to be dependent on people but do take up on short term offers of help. Keeping busy has its advantages but letting go and not bottling everything up is important too. 'Bottled pain' is very stressful.

We're all here for you as cyber shoulders and listening eyes but if things get too much physically - do take help offered.

Take care - Scottie  :)
Title: Re: The darkest days and does that mean a huge flare up
Post by: Bella on February 10, 2011, 01:37:07 PM
Hi BoPeep,

I am so sorry to hear of your loss.  I hope you can find and accept the support you need at this time.  Grief takes as long as it takes for each of us, so I agree, please don't hesitate to share here or elsewhere.  Holding in the emotions is ultimately more stressful than feeling them.  One day at a time . . . sometimes one moment at a time.  My thoughts are with you.
Title: Re: The darkest days and does that mean a huge flare up
Post by: Katybarstool on February 10, 2011, 01:48:48 PM
Bopeep

I can't begin to understand how you are feeling just now, but I wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers, as is your dear husband.

Kathyx
Title: Re: The darkest days and does that mean a huge flare up
Post by: Meld256 on February 10, 2011, 08:00:42 PM
Colleen,

It's good to hear that so many have come to your side to help. I'm sure you've worried about caring for the little lambies. :) So good there's some help there.
From your posts you strike me as a very independent person, and a kind and caring woman. Please do not worry about being a burden on people! I have the feeling you have given much to help others in the past, and since life should be give-and take, now is the time for you to "take back" a little. Please know that it does those who help you just as much good as it does you. :)

I'm sure today was so difficult for you, burying your dear Bill. He will always be with you, but the next days, weeks, and months will be tough on you. Grieving is certainly a process. I think our bodies and minds actually protect us from too much in times of crisis, so you may not have any flares. Just take care of yourself; remember to eat and try to rest, and reach out to those who love you. Not a bad idea to check with your specialist and let them know what you're dealing with; they may have some helpful suggestions.

Keep posting us, remember all of us here are with you in spirit, dear. Sending you gentle hugs and prayers,
Melinda
Title: Re: The darkest days and does that mean a huge flare up
Post by: season on February 10, 2011, 09:14:01 PM
Nutrition is necessary so each time you take a bite of food, take a little sip of water. This will help tremendously.

So sorry for your loss. I wish you well.
Title: Re: The darkest days and does that mean a huge flare up
Post by: LeoLady on February 10, 2011, 11:14:29 PM
Dearest Colleen:

You have my sincere sympathy for the loss of your husband.  I echo the advice of others.  Grieving is a unique process for everyone.  If you want to cry, do it.  If you feel like screaming, let 'er rip.  Do whatever you need to get through each day.  Keep your family and friends close for help and support.  If you are spiritual, remember God and his angels have their arms around you now.

You are always in our thoughts and prayers.

Hugs,

LeoLady  (Melinda)
Title: Re: The darkest days and does that mean a huge flare up
Post by: flutterfly on February 11, 2011, 03:18:59 AM
sweet bopeep~u can see by the flood of peeps here that u HAVE support ~here~...
but dear1 u NEED ta let peeps in ur real life be there 4 u as well!!!

peeps sumtimes don't know what ta say or do in these kinda situations...
most of 'em (legit friends & family) would WELCOME the thought that they could help u @ this time!!!
i know i wish i was right there...right NOW ta have ya say ta me...could u...or would u...know what i mean sweets???  
imagine how the peeps that luv ya feel!!!  :)

do u have family & friends that live close ta ya???

ta try & answer ur question 'bout swallowin'...i just had an endoscope/colonoscopy last fri.
& have had difficulty makin' the swallowin' MOTION...when i asked my patoot guy what had 'caused that
 REALLY FREAKY just can't make the motion thingy he tol' me it was due ta complications w/my shugs...
basically more nerve damage in my lil' body!!! (end result isn't so good!!!)   :-\

so please dear1 if it feels like more than just dry mouth & not enough moisture ta move the food down...
get inta a doc so they can RULE^OUT nerve damage ta ur inards!!!

i am TRULY sad 4 u & what u are goin' through right now...both emotionally & physically!!!
if u need an ear...we are here luv!!!  

~*flutterfly...sendin' much luv & ever so peaceful thoughts ur way!!!*~   :-*   :)   :-*

EDITED TA SAY...i found a great explanation on what happens when we swallow!!! BUT my whiz of a twinzie on postin' links here is busy gettin' ready 4 rheumy seattle trip...SO...here's the site www.MedicineNet.com & i looked under DYSPHAGIA! which literally means...difficulty swallowin'!

hope that helps! u'll notice from their homepage u can look up just 'bout anythin' & get it in normal folk talk!  good luck!   :)  oh i think i gotcha ta home page! who woulda thunk u could just type it out & whablamo...there's the link! hmmm!
Title: Re: The darkest days and does that mean a huge flare up
Post by: prunella on February 11, 2011, 05:02:30 PM
Colleen, I am deeply sorry for your loss.

Title: Re: The darkest days and does that mean a huge flare up
Post by: seren on February 12, 2011, 10:25:20 AM

Colleen, I am so truly sorry you have lost your husband, the shock must be so horrific and losing him must be too hard to bear!!

I am praying for comfort & healing for you.  Grief is the worst thing and there is no specific timescale for it and you are in the very early stages of it.  I really hope you have your family around you at times for comfort.  I glad you have the farm, because if you can keep it up that will help you keep busy, mentally as well.

No words can really help the pain you are feeling but just take each moment as it comes...

Thinking of you!! God Bless your heart, lots of love
Paula 
Title: Re: The darkest days and does that mean a huge flare up
Post by: irish on February 12, 2011, 03:02:42 PM
Colleen, I am glad that you had the herd culled cause that should help you enormously. It is going to be tough but if you got rid of the sheep I would think that you would just want to curl up and die. The sheep have been such an important part of your life and your marriage for so long.

We raised a few sheep and lambed when our kids were growing up. I always thought that a person could lie down in a pasture next to a sheep and feel comforted. They are such a "biblical" animal and are generally a kind animal who love their young. Lambing is such a special and exciting time. Now, those big bucks are another story. Ornery!!!!

Anyway, I wanted to tell you that when people tell you the worst is over--ignore them. They don't have a clue. I am like Scottie cause when my dad died my stomach literally felt like it dropped about 50 feet and I would have this sinking feeling every day. I couldn't eat well for a long time and just walked around in a daze for a long time.

That is with a parent and I can't imagine what it would be like to lose a spouse. Just hang in there one day at a time is all you can do. Cry whenever you feel like it cause it needs to come out. Talk to your hubby and don't be ashamed. I feel that the spirit of people who have passed is always near to us.

Now, as far as the swallowing goes. You may need to have a swallowing study down the road, but I would not worry about that for a few months unless you lost way too much weight. If you turn your head slightly to the side as you swallow you will find that it opens up the throat area and food will go down more easily. I have a swallowing issue and went to therapy to learn how to deal with it.

Also, keep liquids in a glass with a straw and sip when you swallow as needed. The straw is really helpful in swallowing liguids. Stress can tighten the throat muscles, and you have stress. Also, with the lack of saliva and the dryness the swallowing becomes more difficult. I find that meats are the hardest thing for me to swallow. Especially hamburger that is fried in a patty.

It works better to make meat loaf or other foods that include a sauce with the meat such as spaghetti and meatballs. I also make a lot of ground meat like pork, chicken, beef, etc and make salad sandwhiches which are very good when it comes to swallowing. I try to eat fruit or fruit sauce with the sandwiches.

I hope that you are able to cook for yourself. When my MIL lost her hubby she said that cooking for one was just terrible. It took her a long time to get the hang of it and she would always end up freezing soups and stuff as she had cooked too much.I also hope that you are able to have the energy to get out and about so that you don't become a recluse. Social interaction is very much needed. HOpefully you have some neighbors who will drop in often. Thinking of you often. Irish
Title: Re: The darkest days and does that mean a huge flare up
Post by: kellyptyler on February 12, 2011, 03:33:26 PM
I do not know what to add, but please know I'm praying for you.
Title: Re: The darkest days and does that mean a huge flare up
Post by: Chickpea on February 23, 2011, 10:34:06 AM
Hi Colleen

I'm so sorry that I've come to this so late.  My heart goes out to you;  I hope that you're able to sense the love that's beaming across the world from Sjoggies everywhere.

I echo Carolina's feeling that there is no way the 'worst is over', as your friend tried to reassure you.  It sounds as though your marriage with your husband was a wonderful partnership and friendship.  It's right that you should grieve him so hard, but desperate to be in the midst of it.

One of the many good things about Sjoggies being all over the world is that there is someone awake and at their computer every hour of the day and night.  So when you feel low in the middle of the night come here and find one of us - in England I'm a whole half day away!

Have you been affected by the earthquake?  Which island do you live on?  Know that you and all New Zealanders have been in our prayers these past few terrible days since the earthquake in Christchurch.

Thinking of you - Chickpea
Title: Re: The darkest days
Post by: sharper2004 on May 17, 2011, 09:29:25 AM
 :-\  Not my darkest/worst day so far, but dark never-the-less.  Trying to keep my cool, but.....I am in a bit of distress and dare not go home sick from work (saving sick days for REALLY dark days).  Breathing is weird - like trying to breathe with a thick filter in my chest, chest aches, back aches more...leads to an all around crappy feeling and making it very difficult to just concentrate on working.  So here I am, just for a moment, reaching out for some Sjoggies hugs.
Title: Re: The darkest days and does that mean a huge flare up
Post by: Chickpea on May 18, 2011, 04:26:17 AM
Dear Sharper

I'm so sorry to hear that you're having tough days - it's good that you came here to tell us.  Would you like to start a new topic and tell us more about what your daily life is like?  Did you manage to stay at work yesterday?  Could you rest and relax once you got home?

Thinking of you - Chickpea