Author Topic: Relationships and Ilnesses...  (Read 7820 times)

Gail

  • Guest
Relationships and Ilnesses...
« on: September 18, 2009, 05:57:31 PM »
Hey,folks,
I have not post lately, but now I need to talk about relationships and ilnesses. I think that healthy people will never understand somebody with health issues that last a long time.

I was so sure that my boyfriend was on my side, but I was so wrong. I was telling him what was going on with me and symptoms and doctors' words that they cannot find nothing wrong with me. I also get sometimes upset and cry in front of him. He was supportive for a while, but now he thinks it is all in my head and nothing wrong with me. He called me a "hypochondriac" and "moody". I am not going to  deny that I am depressed about the whole situation about my health issues, but I cannot be with a person who thinks that I am a liar and make up all my health problems.

Some of your posted here that you have support of your families and friends. You are so fortunate to have somebody to help you and be there for you. I think that I've lost that person. It is really hard to go through all this by myself. But I cannot be with somebody who does not believe that I do not feel well.

It is a very lonely world out there for sick person. I feel very lonely at this point, but I think I'd get over it.
I just have a question to you, folks. Anybody else been accused of been hypochondriac by their partners? Did your relationship survived? I trusted this person, but he turned his back on me. I am very hurt and do not know what hurts worse my illness or the stress from such a betrayal.

If anybody related to my story, please respond.
Gail.

eyeamdry

  • Guest
Re: Relationships and Ilnesses...
« Reply #1 on: September 18, 2009, 06:29:34 PM »
Gail-I'm so sorry you are in this situation.  I won't comment further as an old married lady of 40+ years with a super husband.  Most of the time.  Lucy

twilite

  • Guest
Re: Relationships and Ilnesses...
« Reply #2 on: September 18, 2009, 06:44:40 PM »
Hi Gail,

I have not posted in obout a year as I have been busy trying to work and have a home life while dealing with this illness.

I can relate to your situation...  I was in a relationship when I became ill last April.  This guy stuck by me until the middle of June. I gained 45 pounds from the medication, could not walk, could not think clearly, cold not drive... I was a hot mess!  I looked disfigured because my face had blown up so much.

He left me because he said he just lost interest - talk about feeling like the elephant man...  I was  sad because I tusted him and he let me down.

A year later, I am back to my old self again concerning my physical features, but I have miles to go.  I have been alone regarding a relationship for over a year. I don't have time to deal with relationship issues or time to put into a relationship that will more than likely fail because of my issues.

I am raising my 12 year old gradson, I own my home, my car and even though its killing me I can still work.  Bottom line, I am happy and I feel pretty good to be able to take care of me and my grandson.

The only time that I worry is when I get sick, but I just put myself in the Lord's hands and deal with it the best way I can.  Things have worked out well for me as I have two brothers who are very supportive.

Oh, I have had the opportunity to date, but I have refused those advances because they know not what they are getting into and I know what I would be getting into, i.e., pushing myself to go out here and there to please someone else and not having the energy to grocery shop and take my grandson to putt put.

Love yourself and those closest to you for now - we can only do so much at a time.

Take Care
~Twilite

Scottietottie

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 9174
Re: Relationships and Ilnesses...
« Reply #3 on: September 19, 2009, 09:50:21 AM »
Hi Gail  :)

I started having problems a few years after I was married. I have 4 kids. My doctor said I was a hypochondriac so, with no dx, I think my husband thought I was pretty lazy at least.

I muddled through the best I could. He helped out when he could see things were wrong like sudden awful flare ups of thrush, a flare that involed fever with painful, swollen armpits and he was certainly supportive when I developed osteoarthritis and needed a joint replacement. (Probably unrelated to SjS)
He never complained about the house being a mess but I'm sure he must have wished that housework was a higher priority. It was pretty low on my list.

I can't say the marriage was as good as it could have been. I think the situation created a bit of distance but we both stuck it out. The kids are 'grown and flown' and seem to have turned out OK.

When I finally got a dx about 5 years ago he's been great. He's pretty well taken over all the cooking and I think he feels a bit guilty about the years he thought I was lazy.

It can and does spoil things though. I'm sorry your boyfriend has reacted the way he has. I understand your hurt. Maybe he's just not 'the one'.

Take care - Scottie  :)
http://sjogrensworld.org/   (our home page)
http://www.sjogrensworld.org/chats.htm   (find our chat times here!)
https://kiwiirc.com/client/irc.dal.net  (way to chat + nickname and #Sjogrensworld)


Never do tomorrow what you can put off till the day after tomorrow!

lynnmarie219

  • Guest
Re: Relationships and Ilnesses...
« Reply #4 on: September 19, 2009, 10:05:38 AM »
Hi Gail,

I'm sorry to hear of your boyfriends response to you having sjogrens. I can relate to this as well with some people in my life.....sometimes people who are healthy just don't get it as they cant see what is wrong with us. We look healthy but we don't act it...thus the confusion!

Sometimes time and education can help and other times there are simply people who can not or will not  ever get it...and unfortunately we have to make the decision as to how much contact we will have with this person. Some times....the relationship can still be...other times it can still be with changes in expectations... and sometimes we have to move on....and that's never an easy thing to do especially when you feel heartbroken and betrayed.

I hope you can come to peace with whatever decision you make...and maybe you don't need to make any decisions right now if its not the right time...that's ok too.

Hugs to you.....

amiamiami

  • Guest
Re: Relationships and Ilnesses...
« Reply #5 on: September 19, 2009, 12:10:13 PM »
Hey folks!  I have to recommend seeing a psychologist who specializes in chronic illness/pain.  That has really helped me communicating with potential romantic partners (still looking for "the one," so I've been dating a lot - it has been hard with all the challenges of SJS) and figure out what I wanted.  I went to other counselor types, but the key was finding someone who specialized in my situation.  If you are having trouble finding someone, just call the local pain clinic and ask who they refer to...they almost always have a list.  Remember not all therapists are the same, and it's important to find one that understands or appreciates your situation!

All the best!
Ami

warmwaters

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1872
  • Just keep swimming - Dora
Re: Relationships and Ilnesses...
« Reply #6 on: September 20, 2009, 03:18:06 AM »
Ouch!  I once had a boyfriend who I now officially refer to as "the loser" walk away a few months after I had been robbed at knife point. It was a very traumatic experience (the robbery), and I became very upset and skittish for months afterwards. He also went down the path of "you just have to snap out of it", etc. etc.

Not as bad as your situation, but yeah, it hurt - A LOT. First you have something bad happen to you that's not your fault, and then someone you thought cared about you gets all weird, and you lose a person you care about. It hurts.  And you thought you knew him, and then you see this weird piece that you didn't expect.

The good news is that there are good people out there. Hope one shows up in your life (romantically, or just friends) soon.



Primary Sjogrens, dx June 2009, Immunoglobulin deficiency, axial spondylosis arthritis, IBS, autonomic neuropathy
Omeprazone DR 40 mg, mobic 15 mg, Plaquenil, LDN, B1, B6, B12, D, fludrocortisone, gralise, various inhalers

Bernice

  • Guest
Re: Relationships and Ilnesses...
« Reply #7 on: September 20, 2009, 03:26:16 PM »
I went to another wedding yesterday and guess what?

That question was asked yet again, SOMETHING about "IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH?"

 Gail are you familiar with the question?

Be thankful this guy answered honestly, in ADVANCE!!!!!!

 You probably just dodged a LIVING BULLET!!!!

Bernice

Patze

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6705
Re: Relationships and Ilnesses...
« Reply #8 on: September 20, 2009, 04:49:54 PM »
Hi Gail,

I'm so sorry that you've had to go through this, especially being ill (there ought to be a law against it!)!  Ugh. 

But never forget, we're here for you, okay?

Take care of yourself -

Patze

Our home page  http://www.sjogrensworld.org/index.html
Live chats  http://sjogrensworld.org/chats.htm

Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it - Confucius

The important thing is not to stop questioning ~ Albert Einstein ~

Sero Negative Queen

stillsguy

  • Guest
Re: Relationships and Ilnesses...
« Reply #9 on: September 20, 2009, 10:33:57 PM »
hmn, this is all very interesting, loves who fail, for whatever reason...

i didnt express sjs first , pour moi it was a wickedly ptolonged sle. so, not only did i look sick but there were some dramatic events . But my lady at the time simply couldnt deal with her loves illness. She froze. The worse things became the less she could do; denial was not only a rivr in egypt she drowned in it was the only way she couls semi function. Denial... I mean it was ugly, cant deny that, strange scarey ugly unheard of stuff. From blindness stroke pericarditis to eventual kidney failure I was a 136lb runner who shed 40 lbs in a snap.... stuff u dont really expect ftom ur 33 yearold sweetie ... Some people simply  cant handle sickness in others i thot of her  About 7 years later when we were living seperately she moved into an apt on the fifth floor of a building with no elevator. my hips and shouldrs were "destroyed" by osteonecrosis by this point. "How am I supposed to climb all these stairs," i asked. She sheepishly replied, "i know, but i really like yhis apt..."

some people r strong some r weaker, i guess, u may over look their shortcomings until its too late... still aint love a blast !

& gail theyre not allduds out there, just seems like it during the inbetween

wish u well   

Bernice

  • Guest
Re: Relationships and Ilnesses...
« Reply #10 on: September 20, 2009, 11:16:00 PM »
Stillguy,
ONLY YOU COULD MAKE THIS SITUATION HILARIOUSLY FUNNY! So are we to gather this was the end of the relationship when she moved into a place you couldn't get to, or did you pursue her still? I am quite curious.

Stillguy, you got to admit and give her some credit, she tried! I mean 7 years for anybody, but especially someone young, is a long time to tough it out with someone with such serious illness, unless there's SOME real love there! She probably didn't even notice all the "strange stuff" you mentioned in the way you think. Ya know love can be blind!

Lesleybird

  • Guest
Re: Relationships and Ilnesses...
« Reply #11 on: September 21, 2009, 03:22:07 AM »
  Gail, dear don't you have any type of diagnosis? Like Sjogren's  so you could show him information or a book on it. Or even if you have fibromyalgia diagnosed by a doctor you could show him information on it. Go to another doctor....maybe one that believes in fibromyalga  (or what ever symptoms that you are having that are real) and show him information on it.  I would even go to another doctor if you don't have a diagnosis and make up a diagnosis that fits your symptoms and tell him that the new doctor diagnosed it. I think that sometimes other people in our lives just don't want to deal with hearing about what ales us day in and day out. If they haven't had this stuff themselves they don't know what it is like to get sick and never get better.  Hugs, Lesley

Patze

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6705
Re: Relationships and Ilnesses...
« Reply #12 on: September 21, 2009, 04:38:11 AM »
Hey Stillsguy,

Thanks for the smile!  You always seem to be able to look at the sunny side of life and putting things in a proper place. :D

Sorry to hear that you also found a can't handle person.  It's so sad when you're going along great in a relationship and when you're sick, your partner just falls a part, or disappears all together.  So sad.

Take care -

Patze
Our home page  http://www.sjogrensworld.org/index.html
Live chats  http://sjogrensworld.org/chats.htm

Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it - Confucius

The important thing is not to stop questioning ~ Albert Einstein ~

Sero Negative Queen

roetta

  • Guest
Re: Relationships and Ilnesses...
« Reply #13 on: September 21, 2009, 10:16:30 AM »
Gail, my husband is one of those people who never gets sick. The occasional cold or stomach upset, but he goes to work anyway, and thinks everyone else should be able to power through whatever ails them too. I have had problems our entire marriage, mainly with fatigue but also seemed to get sick a lot. I was hospitalized with Guillain-Barre Syndrome after food poisoning a few years ago and that was what made me start paying more attention to the signals my body was sending and start demanding answers. I was officially diagnosed with Sjogren's and possible Lupus a little over a year ago.

Even after the official diagnosis he had trouble wrapping his mind around an illness that not only can't he see, but also never goes away. I know that part of him thought I was still just being lazy. In fact there were a couple of times that he told me if I would just get up and do more I would feel better. It's been a long journey for him but he is starting to understand. We still have our moments, but I can tell he is trying. I think he feels a bit guilty for not believeing me - kind of like Scottie's husband.

I know it hurts when people don't believe you or make light of the situation. You have to find someone who is willing to make the effort and work through it with you.

And I too think you shouldn't necessarily make a decision when you aren't feeling well or are feeling particularly hurt. Take a moment, when you can step back from the situation and see if this is someone who will be able to put in the work it will take to live with someone with a chronic illness. And if he will sit down and discuss it with you or will take the time to read up on Autoimmune diseases, more the better.

Wynter

  • Guest
Re: Relationships and Ilnesses...
« Reply #14 on: September 21, 2009, 03:00:38 PM »
Hi,

I am experiencing the same thing as many of  you. I don't have  an official diagnosis. My husband is great at times and then at times he is a complete jerk. You would think he would be a little more compansionate being that he just became a registered nurse. His response to alot of things is flight. That doesn't include fight, only flight. Over the weekend I have developed what the dermatoglost is calling hives. It started on Friday. I took Benadryl and that helped some. I got upset over the weekend because it's been a pretty good summer, and then I developed the "hives" problem. My husbands to this was take some  more Benadryl, do upstairs, and fall asleep. From daye one, he's been  trying to get me to take Ativan or Zanax so he doesn't have to deal with me.  I am sick of it.