Hey Erin,
Sadly, that is sometimes the case. Remember that not all doctors stay up to date on things in their field. Everyone here has had their share of shoulder shrugging doctors. But you have to keep going, persist and try to find the right one that will listen. Do you live near a medical school? If you do, you might get a good doc there. I know in my small town, the doctors generally suck! So all of my docs that I go to are in the city. It is funny when they all train at the same schools, and they are that way. I had docs treat me like my problems were psychological!!!!!! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm glad you found the posts board for us "youngin's".
To Kimmie,
Thanks for the Birthday wish. It is funny this friend of mine I'm kind of seeing now, his name is Chris too. Well, I'm also Chris, but it is short for my name. I told him before we met up for the first time (I met him online chat... and yes I knew he was legit. LOL I checked out his background)... anyways, I said, you have no excuses not to remember my name. Getting back to it though, we have had a very complicated past. So we are trying dating each other again, but we aren't exclusive which ok I hate, because as we started talking again. I realized that I do love him, but the way things are I can't tell him that because it would probably push him away. So in my mind, I think of him as just a friend, and nothing more than that... or at least I tell myself that so that if he dumps me for this other woman he is dating that it won't hurt as much.
Ok, let me explain so you guys know. I've talked to him since I was 21, and he was like 32 (I was going to be 22 that year). We were in yahoo chat, and either I was about to message him or he was about to message me, but one of us messaged the other. Anyway, he fudged his age a little and said he was 29. LOL Anyway, I found out he has his PhD and at the time he was an instructor at med school (well, he still is, but has been promoted since). So I was like, ok you definitely do not want to talk to me. Generally, at that age I found anyone in their 30's did not want to talk to a stupid kid. So, he said to me, "I didn't say I didn't want to talk to you." We just instantly had all of these things in common. It was crazy, honestly, I think I felt an instant attraction even online. I know that is crazy. Fast forward to say 2003 or so, and one day he goes and says to me, "Ya know? We should go out on a date." Well, that totally freaked me out, I was still in college, I felt I had nothing to offer him. Not to mention, I was living with severe depression, generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and I was agoraphobic, that even extended to not wanting to answer the phone... It was crazy!! Of course, I later found out that all of that crap can go along with having an autoimmune disease. I'm sure I've had these things for years. Well, anyway, I wasn't very hopeful that the depression etc... would lift. I thought I would never graduate from college... all of these things. I did tell Chris about them, and I couldn't understand why he wanted to date me "as is". I would always tell him he should date a "professional woman" someone that was his equal. Someone that was sophisticated...not a broken woman like me, that couldn't move like other women quake and sigh. Ok, and I'm like his total opposite, I'm nerdy/artsy. I'm one of those people on a good day that wears a ring on each finger. So Kimmie, I totally understand about the stiletto thing. At my worst with RA symptoms (I do think I have RA by the way, just that my rheumy doesn't want to diagnose me with it), I would some days have trouble dressing myself. I would wear like sweatpants to school because I didn't have to deal with zippers. Oh, and washing my dog (he is a shih tzu kinda requires a lot of work) I had to have my mom help me. Some days it was way too painful to brush my hair so it would look like crap, I would kinda just tie it back, and then throw a bandana around my head to hide my hideous hair. That is a little window into my life at the time.
I thought I would have been a burden to him. So, I said, "if I graduate from college, I will go on a date with you." Well, of course that day came. LOL Then I felt like well, I wish I had a job first and all, but I didn't wait that long because I figured I would have pushed him away. So roughly after a month after I graduated from college I met him for the first time. Then at the time I also liked someone else, and he pretended to be even more attracted to me. Another online guy, but I never met him in person. He turned out to be a fake.
So in my head I was all confused. Then on my dates with Chris, OMG we heated up on the very first date. I thought it went a little too fast. Second date was even hotter, but having RA like symptoms that night didn't help. I tried pleasuring him with my hands (I didn't want to go too far too soon), but anyway because of the way I was feeling within minutes of starting to pleasure him, my hands were in agony, and I couldn't get him anywhere close to well you know. So with all of this confusion, I did want to continue to date him, I just wanted to slow down with the sexual stuff. I needed time to see if we had feelings for each other, and it hurt like heck trying to just pleasure him with my hands, so doing anything with my hands like that was too painful.
So, he did act like a jerk about it, and he acted like he was all about one thing, and that I was neglecting his needs. And ok, he did pleasure me, but with that stuff, I have such a hard time enjoying it when I don't feel well. So, he was bugging me about taking care of his needs. I was so annoyed, and angry and hurt that I left and never spoke to him again until a yr later. The other guy was a jerk... like I said I never dated him. He never would come to see me, but spoke mushy words which meant nothing. So here, I started talking to Chris again... the whole thing bothered me so that is why I had to explain why I left. He did apologize about acting like a jerk about my hands. He said he didn't realize it at the time.
Well, just for the record, I did tell him that at the time. I felt badly that I couldn't take care of his needs, and I wanted to date him a little longer to do other more intimate things. For a long time we talked about getting back together. I wanted to start seeing him again just hang out together, build from there. Just even if at most we just kissed each other. Heal past hurts, there are other things that happened and would take too long to type. LOL But suffice to say we both did things that hurt each other, so I wanted to know that we were healed, and had forgiven each other. So, we would meet up, and argue over this point. But honestly, by meeting up and talking again, that is what I was asking of him. So I basically got what I wanted without him realizing it. LOL So, now like I said, we are seeing each other again, and he is way more understanding. And honestly, when I talked to him for years, he always acted like a very compassionate man... with everything I lived with and all. So, I was stunned by his reaction when we first dated.
I do worry that he will want this other woman more because she is not a broken woman like I am. Another thing is that I gained weight from the psyche meds I took over the years, and I have not lost any of it. So I just don't feel attractive to anyone. When I'm with him, if I could hide in a mumuu that would be the best. Also, I'm sure you guys know I'm finishing my MA thesis. So I have no job. I still feel like I have nothing to offer, but I'm trying to over-come that. Thanks for listening.
Take Care,
Lady Nova
