Author Topic: You're invited to my pity party  (Read 3816 times)


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Re: You're invited to my pity party
« Reply #15 on: October 22, 2011, 09:04:43 PM »

Again you give a "common-sense" view of things.  :)  You have a great knowledge of what happens when nursing care is needed, since you worked with long-term care and assisted living patients.  I have the utmost admiration for you and all other nurses working/have worked in this profession!

When my parents moved, the nurses and social worker were as much a help to me as they were my parents. As you say, I'm sure you saw it all the time.  And things we never thought we could get my Dad to do, he would just say "yes" to them. They were good!

When they were doing well, I'd go visit at least once a week, and many times I'd feel I was "in their way." They had church service, meetings, exercise time, new friends.  Heaven forbid I came when it was Dad's time to go for a whirlpool bath.  He was gone down the hall as fast as he could go.  As you said, they had so many more people to interact with than at home and it helped them socially and emotionally. 
The nurses have become much more than nurses; they are more like extended family we can rely on.


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Re: You're invited to my pity party
« Reply #16 on: November 03, 2011, 10:18:09 AM »
Thanks everyone. I really appreciate the support. Mom is in a rehab center for about two weeks. After that, she either comes home with us or goes into an assisted living/health care facility. So far I've been sticking to my guns and nicely (but consistently) telling her that she must go into a facility.

It's weird. Her and dad lived in a lovely assisted living home for two years before he died. He loved it: eating at a table with others, joining in the activities, walking the halls and chatting. But mom hated it. She sat in their apartment all the time, never joined in, complained bitterly about the people they ate with, etc. The staff thought she was shy and sweet, but when I'd encourage her to do more she'd say, "I don't like anyone else! I only want my family! Get me out of here!"

This rehab center is great and the staff, once again, thinks she is quiet and sweet. But the moment I walk in the door she becomes a crying, hand-wringing, panic struck child. Seriously! One day a nurse happened to be standing outside the door and later said to me, "I couldn't believe that was the same woman! She's always so adorable to us!"

My husband says she is manipulative. *shrug* I don't know...  Last night she hugged me and begged, "Just love me unconditionally! Please!!" Is that manipulative or just a scared old lady who can't do any better? I don't know what to do with her. But I can't manage the physical and emotional turmoil at home anymore.

Thanks again for all your kind words and encouragement.  *hug*
Diagnosed June 2010.
Rheumy at University of Michigan Med Center. Age 52
Severely dry mouth & throat with difficulty swallowing, fibro, allodynia of the scalp.
Medications: Atenolol, Dexilant, Zoloft, Zocor, Flaxseed oil, Vit D, Nasonex, Plaquenil
I am my own worst enemy...


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Re: You're invited to my pity party
« Reply #17 on: November 06, 2011, 12:42:17 AM »

I hope you've been able to get some amount of much-needed rest in the time your Mom is in the rehab center, and hope it's been helpful for her, too.

I think it's good that you've been sticking to your guns and gently telling her she must go into a facility. Isn't it a bit funny that she's so compliant with the staff, quiet and sweet and then acts so much differently with you around?  Forgive me for saying, but maybe it's because she figures she can get away with it with you.  She knows that you may feel sorry for her and eventually give in.  Just my personal thoughts...

When my mother became very ill, at first I found myself running ragged because she just "had to have" a special robe, etc. from home that very day when I'd driven from work, picked up Dad and gone to the hospital. So I'd made another trip, exhausted, and when I'd get back she wanted something else. I did this a few times because I wanted to please her and make her comfortable. Finally I had to tell her I would get the requested item on the next trip because this was crazy.

I realize it's hard to do what needs done, but I think one of your last lines says it all; you can't manage the physical and emotional turmoil at home anymore.
Many hugs sent your way. :)


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Re: You're invited to my pity party
« Reply #18 on: November 06, 2011, 06:09:54 PM »
dee, It is very possible that you have a depressed mom who is being manipulative. I would guess that there is something going on with her that is far more that just a behavior thing. It could be that she has some dementia that is affecting her in negative ways.

You would be surprised at the number of elderly who suffer from depression. When we would given them antidepressants (starting at very low doses and not going too high in dose) it was like their brain just sucked up the chemicals. Often they would be sleeping better in a couple days and soon the stress would slide off their faces and they would become more like their old selves.

You would not believe the number of people who will get confused and ornery/combative/hallucinating, etc once the sun starts to set. This is called sun downing and is very common in the elderly. When it gets dark they will get confused and think that they are back in their childhood home, etc.

It is a very interesting thing that is going on with your mom and if it was me I would stick to my guns. It will be very interesting to see what behaviors she exhibits and I will also bet that she would benefit from a visit to a neurologist to assess her mental status. So often the family doesn't recognize the symptoms of a dementia because they are too close. When the people come to the long term care/assisted living the nurses and staff know what to look for and often they don't have to look very hard. The abnormal behaviors will almost jump out at them just begging to be treated.

I hope that you can hang tough as it will be interesting to see if your mom can be brought back to a different level. If she doesn't perk up do not blame yourselves. Sometimes there isn't much that can be done

I should know cause I am finding myself starting to act like a nursing home resident some days!!!! Sheeeesh, I thought I wouldn't get old so darn fast. I think I need to get a job at the Dairy Queen and socialize more. Good luck. Irish