Author Topic: spousal support  (Read 6535 times)

Iris

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Re: spousal support
« Reply #15 on: October 13, 2011, 07:53:26 AM »
My husband knows i'm sick and never complains if I don't feel like cleaning or cooking.. He tells me to go get some rest..

But he and my 2 grown boys that live with us never offer to help with anything either.. When I finally get tired of it all and start dusting and sweeping he will offer to mop the floor sometimes.. I can't complain about him though because he does work, make sure the bills are paid since I never remember them until they are past due, and he does the shopping..

I just wish they'd listen to me when I tell them we need to get rid of a lot of knick knacks and other junk so it will be easier for me to keep my house clean.. I call all things like that dust catchers and have never liked them but they do.. I guess I can always toss them all when they aren't home..  ;D
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Narablueeyes

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Re: spousal support
« Reply #16 on: October 13, 2011, 12:46:16 PM »
I have to admit, I am jealous! I do not have spousal support at all! In fact, he told me that "SjS is an excuse for you to be lazy"

(really the fact that we moved, I have unpacked the entire house, take care of our 2 year old and clean the house that he NEVER helps with, forgive me that I want a nap. And I start my new job on monday, yep, the house wil look like crap again...oh, well.

Then the house will look like crap.  I know YOU don't want it to but unless he starts helping, sucks to be him.  I'm fortunate that mine is beginning to understand and show concern but as of yet, hasn't started helping. Although I did walk in today and a load of laundry was going.  Every now and then, he'll put dinner leftovers in Tupperware ware and put it in the fridge but not very often will he clean the kitchen. 

I had asked him one time if he would clean just one room for and I'd do the rest and he picked the bathroom.  It took him six weeks to finally get around to wiping down the sink and sweeping the floor.  I asked him about the toidy and shower and he just looked at me like I had just picked my nose and flicked it at him.

Small steps I guess...

Meld256

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Re: spousal support
« Reply #17 on: October 13, 2011, 01:34:08 PM »
Small steps is right.   ;)

If a spouse is working on understanding, I must say I would give them credit and "brownie points." We have this discussion here from time to time and it's always important.

My husband and I have worked on understanding for the 2 1/2 years it's been since I am no longer the old, energetic me. It's hard emotional work!  There was crying, talking, and more talking. (and more tears)

We started back with him looking at me with disbelief when I'd call off work yet again, frustrated but not saying much, with that look of "Really? Again??" Gee, that made me feel sooo much better about the guilt.  :-[

Me going to docs and them saying "we don't know" why you feel like crap. He'd feel helpless as I would curl up in a hot bath crying in pain, or hardly able to move from the bedroom to the couch. That was my day.

We finally had our best discussion when I started with "I know this is hard on you, too. "  He told me his frustrations, his fears, and how helpless he felt to do anything to make me feel better.  That was a turning point in our "new relationship" with the "new me."

Now, if I ask for him to vacummn, for example, or help with laundry, he'll do it.  Yeah, it's not to "my standards" but I tell him how I appreciate it.  I know; hard to do! The more I don't criticize the effort, the more freely it get's done.  8) 

Narablueeyes

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Re: spousal support
« Reply #18 on: October 13, 2011, 02:33:54 PM »
Small steps is right.   ;)

If a spouse is working on understanding, I must say I would give them credit and "brownie points." We have this discussion here from time to time and it's always important.

My husband and I have worked on understanding for the 2 1/2 years it's been since I am no longer the old, energetic me. It's hard emotional work!  There was crying, talking, and more talking. (and more tears)

We started back with him looking at me with disbelief when I'd call off work yet again, frustrated but not saying much, with that look of "Really? Again??" Gee, that made me feel sooo much better about the guilt.  :-[

Me going to docs and them saying "we don't know" why you feel like crap. He'd feel helpless as I would curl up in a hot bath crying in pain, or hardly able to move from the bedroom to the couch. That was my day.

We finally had our best discussion when I started with "I know this is hard on you, too. "  He told me his frustrations, his fears, and how helpless he felt to do anything to make me feel better.  That was a turning point in our "new relationship" with the "new me."

Now, if I ask for him to vacummn, for example, or help with laundry, he'll do it.  Yeah, it's not to "my standards" but I tell him how I appreciate it.  I know; hard to do! The more I don't criticize the effort, the more freely it get's done.  8)

That's the hardest part for me:  not done to my standards.  But if that's all I have to worry about, I'm doing good!!  And my tears and hurting so bad I can't sit down make him feel helpless and then that's what makes him angry.  Feeling helpless.  And when I want a hug or just some contact, I tell him that I know he can't fix me but it really does help to touch. 

Carolina

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Re: spousal support
« Reply #19 on: October 13, 2011, 03:08:02 PM »
Of COURSE, Nara,

On top of everything else we have VERY HIGH STANDARDS.

Wouldn't you know it's the perfectionists who get hit the worst?

Hugs

Elaine

PS  No more Ms. Perfection.

Ms. let someone else do it

OR

Ms. get it store bought

OR

Ms.  Have it ordered in.

OR

Ms. Let's not even do it at all!

OR

Ms.  I hope someone invites us to THEIR house.

:-)

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Narablueeyes

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Re: spousal support
« Reply #20 on: October 13, 2011, 07:10:16 PM »
Do any of you get it? I don't mean the money kind of spousal support. I mean the emotional spousal support.

I was reading about Still in the Hunt not having support from his spouse and I sure the heck know I don't have any so I wondered if most do or don't.

While I was recently in the ICU my husband came in and started a big ol' yelling fight with me. My doctor had just left the room after telling me I might need open heart surgery...my husband of course wasn't even there when the doctor met with me....then husband shows up and fights about money for his sons car! The son who hasn't even spoke to him in a year.

I finally told him to just get the heck out of my room. My doctor said to get rid of as much stress as I can. I thought that I didn't have too much stress then when he showed up I realized I do and it's him.

How about you all? Where do you get your support? I mean besides here.

By the way...my husband and I are splitting up. Just decided that last night. With the drinking and the yelling, I just can't handle it.

Now I will have the stress of trying to work and take care of our home. Not even sure how much longer I can work.  :(

How are you doin' today?  Heard anymore about the house?

Narablueeyes

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Re: spousal support
« Reply #21 on: October 13, 2011, 07:22:03 PM »
I have to admit, I am jealous! I do not have spousal support at all! In fact, he told me that "SjS is an excuse for you to be lazy"

(really the fact that we moved, I have unpacked the entire house, take care of our 2 year old and clean the house that he NEVER helps with, forgive me that I want a nap. And I start my new job on monday, yep, the house wil look like crap again...oh, well.

You take care of yourself first and that baby a close, close second.  Do little things around the house as you're walking through a room.  If he doesn't like it, tough.  You can only do so much and you do NOT need to make yourself sick just because he's acting like a 5 YR old.  You matter.

Meld256

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Re: spousal support
« Reply #22 on: October 13, 2011, 09:34:14 PM »
Elaine,

To all you said, "Amen!"  :D 8)

Jozee

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Re: spousal support
« Reply #23 on: October 13, 2011, 11:03:19 PM »
Narablueyes - Doing ok. thanks for asking. It's really stressful being still in the house together and especially when it's a small 2 bedroom tiny house.

I find out either tomorrow or Saturday if I get the house. She said, My hubby will be there Friday or Saturday so just stop by and set it up with him...i'm sure he'll work it out." To me that means I have it but until I have the keys you never know. I've went there and parted in front of it 2 times just to see if I like the street. I do. I also peeked in the windows because I'd forgotten what colors the walls were.

Today I bought a nasty looking old low to the ground wooden chair with a disgusting butt seat and back pad on it. I plan to paint the chair and have a new cover made for the padding. I think it will look cool and I also got a used foot stool to go with. I have wanted a foot stool forever!!!

I better get this house! I spent $47 on this chair and stool!  :o


Narablueeyes

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Re: spousal support
« Reply #24 on: October 14, 2011, 10:04:13 AM »
Narablueyes - Doing ok. thanks for asking. It's really stressful being still in the house together and especially when it's a small 2 bedroom tiny house.

I find out either tomorrow or Saturday if I get the house. She said, My hubby will be there Friday or Saturday so just stop by and set it up with him...i'm sure he'll work it out." To me that means I have it but until I have the keys you never know. I've went there and parted in front of it 2 times just to see if I like the street. I do. I also peeked in the windows because I'd forgotten what colors the walls were.

Today I bought a nasty looking old low to the ground wooden chair with a disgusting butt seat and back pad on it. I plan to paint the chair and have a new cover made for the padding. I think it will look cool and I also got a used foot stool to go with. I have wanted a foot stool forever!!!

I better get this house! I spent $47 on this chair and stool!  :o

Sending positive thoughts your way!!!  You'll get it.

Meld256

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Re: spousal support
« Reply #25 on: October 14, 2011, 10:30:33 AM »
Yeah, Jozee!  I'm sure you'll have the house, too.  I know what you mean about wanting the key in your hand first, then celebrate.

You have your first piece of new furniture; that's exciting! I can still remember the feeling of relief when I left my 1st husband.  After the divorce, I got our small house and was so excited to do things around there that I wanted to do.  I had little money, but a little paint and this and that made it mine.
 
Others might not have seen how important that was to me, but it was a feeling of extreme freedom!  I wish you much joy in your new place of your own.

A66eyroad

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Re: spousal support
« Reply #26 on: October 14, 2011, 10:35:18 AM »
When my first husband and I separated, the first thing I did was to buy a new set of sheets for the bed, and a cute quilt. I still treasure that quilt as a symbol of my independent nature.
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Meld256

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Re: spousal support
« Reply #27 on: October 14, 2011, 10:56:26 AM »
Right, A66ey.

A symbol of independence...words I was searching for in my foggy brain ;) My ex hated the color green, and I immediately bought some lovely green-print pillows!   8)

Still in the hunt

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Re: spousal support
« Reply #28 on: October 14, 2011, 01:15:44 PM »
well me and my wife had a knockdown dragout fight last night,, i got so disgusted after trying to eat and going outside to gag out what little food i could get in,, she said i am so sorry,, worng choice of words,, i started to go berserk,, your sorry/,, why dont you try helping me instead of just saying your sorry,,quit nodding yourhead like a bobble head everytime we go see a doctor,, andopen your mouth,, but we settled it later on,, first time in years we have actually screamed at each other,, it was building up,, all that money lost gambling,, me having to sell my jeep to help recover some money,, then feeling like a total prisoner now withonly the one car,, i loved my jeep,, never drove it,, but all i ever did was wipe it down every day,, you could eat off theengine,, now thats gone too, and its like no one cares,, I told her,, you take over the bills fromnow on,,even wehn idid it,, you were still robbing teh account without me knowing it,, oh well,, just more fuel on the fire

Narablueeyes

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Re: spousal support
« Reply #29 on: October 14, 2011, 03:37:07 PM »
well me and my wife had a knockdown dragout fight last night,, i got so disgusted after trying to eat and going outside to gag out what little food i could get in,, she said i am so sorry,, worng choice of words,, i started to go berserk,, your sorry/,, why dont you try helping me instead of just saying your sorry,,quit nodding yourhead like a bobble head everytime we go see a doctor,, andopen your mouth,, but we settled it later on,, first time in years we have actually screamed at each other,, it was building up,, all that money lost gambling,, me having to sell my jeep to help recover some money,, then feeling like a total prisoner now withonly the one car,, i loved my jeep,, never drove it,, but all i ever did was wipe it down every day,, you could eat off theengine,, now thats gone too, and its like no one cares,, I told her,, you take over the bills fromnow on,,even wehn idid it,, you were still robbing teh account without me knowing it,, oh well,, just more fuel on the fire

I'm so sorry.  I truly do understand your frustration.  My ex was just mean and abusive and I felt like I had no where or no one to turn to.  That jeep was the one thing you still had control of and now it's gone because of her.  But it's a material thing and your wife is your heart.  Or at least it still sounds like you love her.  Have you thought about counseling?  I've been seeing a counselor for 18 months now and it's the best decisn I've ever made.  My new love has been really trying to be compassionate and helpful and understanding.  Maybe your wife has the ability to get to that point with a little help.