Author Topic: spousal support  (Read 6516 times)

Jozee

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spousal support
« on: October 10, 2011, 10:01:17 PM »
Do any of you get it? I don't mean the money kind of spousal support. I mean the emotional spousal support.

I was reading about Still in the Hunt not having support from his spouse and I sure the heck know I don't have any so I wondered if most do or don't.

While I was recently in the ICU my husband came in and started a big ol' yelling fight with me. My doctor had just left the room after telling me I might need open heart surgery...my husband of course wasn't even there when the doctor met with me....then husband shows up and fights about money for his sons car! The son who hasn't even spoke to him in a year.

I finally told him to just get the heck out of my room. My doctor said to get rid of as much stress as I can. I thought that I didn't have too much stress then when he showed up I realized I do and it's him.

How about you all? Where do you get your support? I mean besides here.

By the way...my husband and I are splitting up. Just decided that last night. With the drinking and the yelling, I just can't handle it.

Now I will have the stress of trying to work and take care of our home. Not even sure how much longer I can work.  :(

Meld256

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Re: spousal support
« Reply #1 on: October 11, 2011, 01:04:20 AM »
Jozee,

I do get a huge amount of support here.  ;) And I feel lucky that I have a few close family members who *get it.* 

I'm not sure what the majority answer will be in regard to a spouse. I've seen stories of both sides.  I can say you're certainly not alone with no support from yours.

It seems that we need to care for ourselves physically and emotionally the best we can, and if that means ending a relationship (with a spouse, family or friends) sometimes that might be what is needed. 

Most of us don't have the energy or strength to deal with someone who is "toxic" to our well-being.

I will say that if you choose to "go it alone" without your husband, you will find you are stronger than you think. I left an emotionally abusive marriage 30 yrs. ago, and even though it was tough financially at times at least I was making my own decisions, and I found strength that I never realized I had! 

You may even have less stress in many ways. 
Sending you my thoughts and prayers.
Melinda

Joe S.

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Re: spousal support
« Reply #2 on: October 11, 2011, 02:11:21 AM »
If your husband is drinking, please look into Al-Anon. Others in similar situations will provide a strong support footing for what ever decision you make. His son not speaking to him may relate to your husbands drinking.

I know it is very hard for us to get out of the house to do any thing but attending these meetings is very import to your survival. Your local Alano club will have a list of scheduled meetings to help you find one that is convenient for you.

This 12 step program was a tremendous aid for my mother and A.A. really helped my dad. The change were gradual and dramatic as seen over the spans of their lives.
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mshistory

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Re: spousal support
« Reply #3 on: October 11, 2011, 05:20:39 AM »
Oh, Jozee, I'm so sorry - first that you might need open heart surgery, and secondly, that your husband is so unsupportive and unsympathetic. I can't imagine being scared in the hospital and having someone (let alone my husband) come in and start yelling at me.  :(

My husband has been very supportive, but I imagine after a while, these chronic illnesses do have a way of wearing down our spouses. It must be difficult to live with someone who has recurrent health issues (although they should try living with a chronic illness - that's no picnic either  ;) )

I try not to talk to my parents about it too much because of how much it worries my mom. So I try to keep things as positive as possible around her (I'm 32 so fairly young for this diagnosis). Mostly, I come here to look for similar experiences or just to read and think - oh yeah, that sounds like me too!

Wishing you well and hoping that you don't need open heart surgery (and that if you choose separation w/your husband, that it brings you the peace you need and deserve!)
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Jellyb

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Re: spousal support
« Reply #4 on: October 11, 2011, 06:19:10 AM »
Hi jozee,
My husband is only supportive when I dont discuss or complain about my condition. It seems he to be a lot more caring when it is not in his face.  I think MShistory is right about chronic illness wearing down our spouses. I dont talk about any daily symptoms, and if I have a bad day I will mention it.

I also dont talk to any of my friends about my health unless they ask. Which most dont.

Jozee

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Re: spousal support
« Reply #5 on: October 11, 2011, 08:00:35 AM »
Joe- thanks, I do attend Al-Anon regularly. It is great for my sanity.

Others- you are right about not talking about it when we don't feel good. Nobody wants to really hear it anyway. Well...you know who does and doesn't. And my husband doesn't want to hear anything about it at all.i learned that a long time ago.

I know I will be ok by myself. I've been there before and I actually am looking forward to having less stress from him. It's sad but it's for the best.

Thanks for your support here! You guys are all truly a blessing to each one of us. THANK YOU!

LisaMarie

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Re: spousal support
« Reply #6 on: October 11, 2011, 09:40:52 AM »
My husband is a great support.  I would be so lost without him.  But, I don't tell him everything about this process I've been experiencing.  He knows the fatigue.  He sees it and we talk about it.  He knows about Sjogren's.  Showed him some information on it online.  He is very understanding.  But my day in and day out issues, I don't tell him unless it affects him directly.

Instead, I have a very good friend, my running partner.  It is easy to talk to her about it because she isn't living with it and feeling frustrated by the fact that the housework isn't getting done, dinner is a "get your own night", or that I don't want to go out tonight.

I love having someone to bounce things off of when I need that isn't so close to the situation. 

I have more issues with the 16 year old male who gets mad because he is told to do the dishes and can't understand how I could be so lazy at times.  Oh well.  I can't say I blame him.
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Still in the hunt

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Re: spousal support
« Reply #7 on: October 11, 2011, 11:30:45 AM »
As much grief as my wife has caused me over the years,, I know in my heart I dont stand a chance if I were to ever lose her, she is of old school,, if you dont see it,, its not there,, what I mean is this,, when a doctor says it might be this,, she jst nods her head like a bobble head,, I just wish at times she would speak her mind to some of these people,

My illness has caused her to be so depressed,, I can see now why she spent so much money which forced me to sell my jeep,, she was just trying to get away from teh stress,, and also having a gambling problem doesnt help,

I iss holding my doxie, it hurts to even pick him up,, I want to believe that some of this is fibro,, but gagging and stumbling is not one of them,,

I sometimes wonder why my wife and kids cant see this miserable stuff and not take matters into there own hands, but I am dad,, the fixer,, dads broke and needs fixed now

itssue

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Re: spousal support
« Reply #8 on: October 11, 2011, 12:59:07 PM »
I wish that none of us had to go through the things that AI's, like sjogren's, brings into our lives.   There are times when the stress is just to much and the best thing is to leave the situation, maybe just for a few hours or maybe sadly  forever.  Jozee, whatever you decide do whats best for you.  I wish you all the best.

For me with the lupus, fibro and sjogren's,etc., I'm never really feeling great.   My husband is supportive but, I don't always feel like talking about it.  I try to pretend its not there.  Or the times when I just want to be left alone and he tells me that's not good we should talk about it.  That is when he can drive me crazy, but  he is supportive, so I guess I'm really lucky.   Now if I can just get him to do the housework. (lol)

Still in the hunt, It is hard for others to understand how we can be looking and doing well one day and the next feel and look like crap.  We all need to have a  support system and if your family or friends aren't there for you find a local support group.   And always remember that the people on this forum understand and they are here for each of us.

Take care ,

Scottietottie

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Re: spousal support
« Reply #9 on: October 11, 2011, 04:55:25 PM »
Hi  :)

After I got a dx (which took took nearly 20 years) my husband suddenly became very supportive. He'd spent a lot of time writing me off as lazy and believing the doc that said I was a hypochondriac.

I think guilt kicked and now he does pretty well all the cooking and laundry. I have to admit - I just let him get on with it!!  He's a very practical kind of person though - so he feels he needs to DO something. He's not good at just listening.

Take care - Scottie  :)
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Luna

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Re: spousal support
« Reply #10 on: October 12, 2011, 05:16:27 AM »
I am so grateful that my husband has been supportive the entire time. Even through the years we didn't know what was wrong. He would do what he could to help me. Emotionally and physically.
My mother , sister and daughter are also very supportive and helpful also. I do feel blessed and appreciate them.
This disease is a really unfair thing to happen to us.

Luna
« Last Edit: October 12, 2011, 05:25:10 AM by Luna »

Carebear

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Re: spousal support
« Reply #11 on: October 12, 2011, 10:12:09 AM »
My partner is very support now, but it was a slow process.  Initially there was a lot of denial and anger.  I realized that we were both grieving the loss of the life we had and always expected to have.

But since the acceptance part has kicked in, we are closer than ever.  And I have chosen to talk about it sparingly, because I don't want it to be the focus of our life. 
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hootyhu1

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Re: spousal support
« Reply #12 on: October 12, 2011, 05:42:07 PM »
I have to admit, I am jealous! I do not have spousal support at all! In fact, he told me that "SjS is an excuse for you to be lazy"

(really the fact that we moved, I have unpacked the entire house, take care of our 2 year old and clean the house that he NEVER helps with, forgive me that I want a nap. And I start my new job on monday, yep, the house wil look like crap again...oh, well.

Luna

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Re: spousal support
« Reply #13 on: October 12, 2011, 07:13:31 PM »
I have to admit, I am jealous! I do not have spousal support at all! In fact, he told me that "SjS is an excuse for you to be lazy"

(really the fact that we moved, I have unpacked the entire house, take care of our 2 year old and clean the house that he NEVER helps with, forgive me that I want a nap. And I start my new job on monday, yep, the house wil look like crap again...oh, well.

Im sorry you have to deal with that. My gosh, you are no way near lazy. You do a lot for someone with SjS.
Luna

Jozee

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Re: spousal support
« Reply #14 on: October 12, 2011, 10:31:14 PM »
Your husband sounds like mine. I can't wait for my house I'm going to rent to be ready so I can get away from him. He wears me out. Both physically and mentally.