Author Topic: Down this morning  (Read 2531 times)

beverley

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Down this morning
« on: June 07, 2010, 03:24:27 AM »
Hi everyone,

As many of you know, I had a bit of a breakdown back in February and as a result have been off long-term sick since.  I am now taking voluntary redundancy at the end of August and have applied for my reduced teaching pension.  I will need to find a part time job in September, but not in teaching I think.

After the first two months the SJS seemed to be more under control and I was left dealing with the reactive depression and I drew up a three week menu of good healthy calorie counted meals for my husband and myself and I started using my Wii every morning (at first for five minutes, but now do half an hour a day).  I have lost a stone in 11 weeks and have been feeling really well.

Nearly six weeks ago we decided to have puppies and bought two labradoodle pups who are amazing.  They have lifted my spirits hugely and they are now able to go out for walks so I am walking every day out in the fresh air.

I went to the Dr. last week for my last certificate for school and he was really pleased with me.  He felt I had taken my illness by the horns and that it was my determination that had improved my health so much.  He also warned me that the days I feel low (far less now) are an indication that the depression has not gone yet, so not to assume I am better.

This long post is to paint the picture - cos I woke up this morning and hey presto! I ache from head to toe, feel exhausted, sieze up every time I sit or stand in one position for more than a few minutes and I don't feel I want to move.  I am really fed up - it feels like I am back where I started!  I know it will pass, but it is really hard allowing myself to do nothing while it runs its course.

I will take the dogs out later - it's not fair for them to miss out, but I feel so guilty because I was going to do loads of housework today and my husband is so good - it makes me feel worse!

Anyway, sorry to rant, but I just feel cheated today.

Beverley

Suzie

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Re: Down this morning
« Reply #1 on: June 07, 2010, 04:41:17 AM »
Hi Beverley,

I'm full of admiration for you. Coming up and out of the pit of depression is so hard - and motivating yourself to exercise and lose weight into the bargain is an incredible achievement.

Remember to be very kind to yourself. We all know how hard it is to be patient. But hitting yourself over the head and reproaching yourself for tasks left undone and promises unfulfilled is a fast route to guilt. And guilt leads right back to depression.

I also want to be able to meet my fabulous husband halfway. It's so hard on them. But I bet that even more than having a clean house and dinner on the table, he wants you to be able to maintain your emotional equilibrium. Breathe, let go. Watch junk on TV.

Then go for a slow, gentle walk with your pups later. Oh, they're Labradoodles? I guess slow and gentle isn't possible then?!!!

Aren't dogs the best? I'm not sure if I believe in g-d, but is sure as heck believe in dog.

Sending you feel-good vibes from Cyprus,

Suzie

Carolina

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Re: Down this morning
« Reply #2 on: June 07, 2010, 05:08:44 AM »
Dearest beverly,

Yes, it is a roller coaster, isn't it?   Pain and exhaustion just knock us for a loop, no matter how well things have been going.

Do you have ANY clue why things changed?   It took me over two weeks to realize that I had a Urinary Tract Infection, test for it, and start on the antibiotic.  So my horrible set back was due to an infection.  It took another week to turn around and feel better.

You may have a virus that other people wouldn't even notice, or the weather has changed, or some other variable has set you back FOR TODAY.   And you may never know what changed.

Suzie has the right idea.   Don't fight the pain and fatigue, try to float with it, relax and rest.   It WILL pass, life will go on, and Suzie is right that your family and the darling dogs want you to care for yourself first and foremost!

The depression, which goes along with pain and  fatigue, is LYING to you.  Telling you that YOU are at fault, and have failed, and that things will never get better.   It is not true, the depression is the hardest in many ways, because it blinds you to the future, and the present joys.  The depression scares me and makes me want to push myself too hard, or on the other hand it makes me want to just give up.

And the depression, pain and fatigue can make me resent the fact that I can't go along with others, or do what I had planned.  And to by hypersensitive to anything my husband or other family members say, even when they try to be sympathetic.  It is terrible.

Get it out, tell us, share with us, and take care of yourself, beverly. 

And keep us posted.

Kisses

Carolina

Female-Elaine,78-CVID-pSJS-IC-PN-CAD-Osteoarthritis-COPD-SFN-Knee/Shoulder Degeneration-SIBO-Intertrigo-Act.Purpura-Raynaud's-Meniere's-Hiatal Hernia-Achalasia-IVIG Gamunex-Medrol-Gabapentin-Atenolol-Pilocarpine-LDN-Nasonex-Lipitor-Estrogel-D-Mannose-NAC-Co-Q10-D3-Omega 3-Naltrexone-Omeprazole-

beverley

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Re: Down this morning
« Reply #3 on: June 07, 2010, 06:03:07 AM »
Thank you Suzie and Carolina,

I don't know what triggered it this time, although if I'm honest I think it's been brewing for a couple of weeks.  I know I'm not right when reading posts make me cry - and I have done that today, particularly about Navydad who I really feel for.

Thank you again - this site is so good for me - someone always picks me up and gives me a virtual hug and it is really appreciated.

Beverley

inga

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Re: Down this morning
« Reply #4 on: June 07, 2010, 10:13:37 AM »
It is UP and DOWN.  The key is to understand that the down part passes. 

harrigan

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Re: Down this morning
« Reply #5 on: June 07, 2010, 01:52:47 PM »
Just wanted to say how I admire you Beverley for getting this far and making some really positive decisions.  It's no surprise that there are days you feel physically overwhelmed then your emotions join in.  It's part and parcel of this disease and also of depression, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with when it hits hard.

I'm delighted you got your gorgeous puppies and have time to enjoy them.  Hope you continue to get stronger over the summer ready for a fresh start in a new job in September.  It sounds like a very sensible solution, though I know it isn't one that you would have come to easily.  Take care, keep posting XX Ailsa
Female, 54
Diagnosed with Sjogrens March 09; Rheumatoid Arthritis February 2010
Meds: abatacept, Methotrexate injections , Folic Acid, Amitriptyline, Ozepramole, Tramacet, Glandosane & Viscotears.

Joy Cox

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Re: Down this morning
« Reply #6 on: June 07, 2010, 02:00:05 PM »
Beverely, Trust you have found the bright spot in your day. For years I have had depression, and psychologist taught me to take it day by day or hour by hour. Whichever, I needed to put me through the day. And, took anti-anxiety med. at bedtime. Xanax which I still do as needed.

Feel any more mine is more anxiety than depression. Know what deep depression can lead one to 'try' and I did...

My encouragement to offer you is what I have learned in my 67 yrs of life. That being, to LIVE ONE DAY AT AT TIME AND IN THAT DAY FIND ONE BRIGHT SPOT. Bright spots can be watching the fluffy white clouds pass and seeing a likeness of something in one, bluebirds -my love of life, or try some new type of hot tea (understand most English folks prefer tea, you one?) You like to have a cup of hot tea and look out the window and watch the snow softly falling? ::)

UK like US is sure to have a quiet spot that you can slip away and listen to music or your favorite meditation tape.

I purchased me one of the personal, battery type, CD player. It goes where I go... Being a country lady, it is often to my little Garden of Joy just outside my bedroom door. My husband and I are retired and his hobby is raising cattle; therefore, he is gone most of the day. With the onset of  AI 'Stuff', no longer can I entertain myself . I had to leave the education field in 1995 due to extreme eye issues and was placed on permanent disability.

Beverely, Come to this site daily and post; it helps to know others understand.    A Sjoggie friend over the pond, Joy
« Last Edit: June 07, 2010, 02:10:09 PM by Joy Cox »

LeoLady

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Re: Down this morning
« Reply #7 on: June 08, 2010, 01:37:07 AM »
Hey Beverly!  CARPE DIEM.   

P.S.  What's a stone?  Just kidding.  I know it's a weight measurement.  However, I just had a giggle invisioning myself dragging stones around - fatigue don't you know.  :D

beverley

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Re: Down this morning
« Reply #8 on: June 08, 2010, 01:45:56 AM »
You gang are the best - thank you so much for your reassurance and encouragement.  I have woken up this morning feeling a bit better.  I managed a short work out and I have had a shower and washed my hair.  It has turned to shower instead of constant rain (we have had gorgeous weather so I can't complain - the garden does need it) and I am not going to do loads of housework (guilt), but I am going to take the dogs for a walk as I didn't get out yesterday. 

I don't feel tearful today and the pain has receded mostly so all I need now is some energy.  Sorry i was so negative yesterday.  I've had this disease long enough to know how it goes - but somehow it always catches me on the hop.

What great friends you are.

Love and best wishes,

Beverley

harrigan

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Re: Down this morning
« Reply #9 on: June 08, 2010, 06:36:16 AM »
Good to hear you are feeling brighter today.  Was thinking about you, glad you posted XX Ailsa

PS Beverley .... about that stone you lost ... I think I found it round my middle!  Who put it there???
Female, 54
Diagnosed with Sjogrens March 09; Rheumatoid Arthritis February 2010
Meds: abatacept, Methotrexate injections , Folic Acid, Amitriptyline, Ozepramole, Tramacet, Glandosane & Viscotears.

bjnc

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Re: Down this morning
« Reply #10 on: June 08, 2010, 08:43:04 AM »
Glad to hear that today is a better day for you.  I'm very impressed by how far you've come and all the work that you've put forth to help yourself.  Keep it up, and get rest whenever you need it.  What kind of things do you enjoy doing? Can you find something you enjoy that doesn't require much energy when you're feeling down?  For me, it's lying down and reading a novel, or swimming (although that tires me out, so it's not good for the really tired days).

Becky
Female 56, diagnosed with Psoriatic Arthritis 1986; also have Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease (in my case, a combination of Lupus and Sjogren's), Grave's Disease. Remicade, (a biologic for Ps. Arthritis), Arava, Cymbalta, Evoxac, Trazodone, Synthroid; Miralax

beverley

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Re: Down this morning
« Reply #11 on: June 08, 2010, 01:12:39 PM »
Hmmm that stone seems to be rolling around quite a lot.  Becky I am a reader and a writer as well, but honestly daytime telly is about all I manage when I'm like that.  Glad to say it is the end of the day and I am still in positive mode.  Had a lovely card with a letter inside from a parent of one of the children in my class and it's amazing how that lifts my spirits.  It's nice to be appreciated - and you are all really appreciated.

Beverley