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Sjogrens Topics => Living Life In Spite of Sjogren's => Topic started by: Bucky on February 07, 2011, 04:11:20 PM

Title: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on February 07, 2011, 04:11:20 PM
Back in 2009, I had a thread about "Laughter is the Best Medicine" . . . . since it is many, many pages long and from over a year old, I thought I'd start a new one.

I really think that laughter is important.  Something to cheer us up and bring a smile to our face.

So let the laughter begin . . . . .

This was in my files that someone sent to me, but I don't have an "author":

" She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before.  After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!"  I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As a young girl, I DO remember my mother doing this too.

Bucky




Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: CAT1962 on February 07, 2011, 05:25:54 PM
Bucky!  ;D Thank you! Here is one of my faves...from a Reader's Digest in the '70s! LOL

A senator went to speak at Native American Reservation. "I will make sure that you have every resource available to you!" he said. The excited crowd of Native Americans yelled, "HOYA! HOYA!"

The Senator spoke again, pounding on the podium, "AND, I will make sure that this land stays YOUR property!". Again, the crowd Yelled, "HOYA HOYA!"

The Senator went on further promising land, food, rights, etc. And again and again the crowd yelled, "HOYA! HOYA!"

After the speech, the Chief of the tribe took the Senator out to see the land, and to observe the cattle. When they reached the pasture the Chief said, "OH. Be careful not to step in the hoya!"


 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: CAT1962 on February 07, 2011, 05:46:05 PM
Also, the joke I posted was in LITBM section of RD! ;)
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on February 08, 2011, 08:49:15 AM
"After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair.

As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.

Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings.

As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

 ;D
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: dreamBIG on February 08, 2011, 10:08:44 AM
My cousin sent me an email this morning saying that if you can't afford doctor's visits, you should go to the airport where you get a free xray and mammogram.  Oh, and if you mention Al Queda, they'll throw in a colonoscopy!  ;D
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: CAT1962 on February 08, 2011, 10:15:02 AM
HAHA! You 2 are so funny.  ;D

C'mon, people...step up to the mic. ;)
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Liz D. on February 08, 2011, 10:50:08 AM
Here is one of my favorites:

A man is stranded on a desert island and finds a genie bottle.  He opens it and is greeted by a genie who offers him three wishes of his choosing.  The only thing is that whatever he chooses, his mother in law will get double.

So he said, "OK."  His first wish was for a million dollars.  Poof!!  He had a million dollars in his hand and at his MIL's house was two million dollars.

Second he wished for tickets for a trip around the world.  Poof!  He had tickets in his hand and his MIL had a set of tickets at her house for two trips around the world.

The genie now says, "This is your last wish.  Choose wisely."  So the man thinks and thinks and thinks and finally comes up with his answer . . . .

. . .  "I'd like to be beaten half to death."

Liz D.
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Sooki on February 08, 2011, 03:56:28 PM
OK - this arrived today:

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down.  You will have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests.  What'll it be?"
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains ."
"So be it," says St.. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count' St. Peter?" "
"No.  I told you, the computer's down, there's no way we can keep track of what you are doing."
"In that case" says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."
"So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests..
"Will you have any trouble locating them?", He asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter.  "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles.  But the second one could prove to be more difficult."
"Why", asks the Lord
"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in Iowa"
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: CAT1962 on February 10, 2011, 08:51:59 AM
I found this perfect for us!  :D


A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.

On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.

On his third visit the doctor told the man, "Go home and take a hot bath. As soon as you finish bathing throw open all the windows and stand in the draft."

"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."

"I know," said the doctor, "I can cure pneumonia."

Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Meld256 on February 10, 2011, 09:57:53 PM
You guys have put a big smile on my dry face today!  ;D :D I'll try to "step up to the mic", too.
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Meld256 on February 10, 2011, 10:25:06 PM
This is one of my father's favorites, and my Dad is 94.  ;) From an Ann Landers column in 1966:

A Dog Named SEX

Some people name their dogs Rover or Spot. I named mine Sex. He's a great pet but caused my quite a bit of embarrassment over the years.
When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I'd like a license for Sex. He said, "Me too, buddy!" I told him this is a dog, and then I said, "But I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He told me I musta been a special kid alright.

When I got married, we took the dog on our honeymoon. I told the hotel clerk we wanted a room for the two of us and a special room for Sex. The clerk told me I didn't need a special room, and they didn't care what we did as long as the bill was paid.  I told them "Look, you don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night."  The clerk said that was funny; it happened to him, too!

I entered Sex in a competition, but he ran away before the contest. I was standing there, looking sad. I told another contestant I planned to have Sex on TV. He walked away quickly.
When my spouse and I separated, I went to court to get custody of the dog. I told the judge, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married." He told me this was not a confessional and to keep my comments to the case. I told him that after I got married, Sex left me. He said, "And you were surprised by that"?  I eventually got my dog back for a while.

Last night he ran off again. I search the streets half the night, worried. I was in the alley at 4 a.m. searching for him when a police car pulled up and the officer asked me what I was doing out there. I told him I was looking for Sex.
My court case comes up on Friday.
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on February 11, 2011, 08:02:27 AM
A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what?  We learned how to make babies today."

The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.  "That's interesting," she said, "how do you make babies?"

"It's simple,"  replied the little girl.  "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

 ;D
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: CAT1962 on February 11, 2011, 10:08:24 AM
Oh, these are great. LOL I have some now to FWD to my mom. HAHA. She loves a good. joke.  ;D

I know this is old, but always makes me grin...hehehe (A word is changed...LOL)


A Native American boy approached his father one day, "Father, how did I get my name?"
His father said, "Son, I find name when looking out window.....one day I look into sky and see Eagle Flying high.
That your brother's name. Then, one day I look out and see Rabbit Running Freely.
That your sister's name............tell me....Why you ask Two Dogs Screwing?"


(I think I find that the father being so oblivious is what makes me laugh!) ;D
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: BobC50 on February 11, 2011, 01:40:45 PM
Fair enough, I'll have a go. These are from England, not sure how they will travel:

I went to the doctor. He said 'you've got a very serious illness'.
I said 'I want a second opinion'.
He said 'all right, you're ugly as well'.

I went to the doctor the other day
I said 'have you got anything for wind'
so he gave me a kite.

Sometimes I drink my whiskey neat.
Other times I take my tie off and leave my shirt out

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

I went to the doctors. He said 'I'd like you to lie on the couch'.
I said 'What for?'
He said 'I'd like to sweep the floor'

I went to the doctors. He said 'What appears to be the problem?'.
I said 'I keep having the same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away'.
He said 'How can I help?'.
I said 'Break my arms!'

I went to the doctor the other day,
I said 'it hurts when I do that'
he said ' well don't do it'

I went to the doctor the other day,
I said 'with all the excitement of Christmas I can't sleep''
he said ' Try lying on the edge of your bed, you'll soon drop off'
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Katybarstool on February 11, 2011, 02:26:03 PM
Bob

Thoe are so funny ;D

Kathyx
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Meld256 on February 11, 2011, 03:17:28 PM
I like them all...we can use a good chuckle!  :D

Bob,
Those traveled just fine. I have an "email pen-pal" from London, and we enjoy the differences in slang from the U.S. to Britain. It took me a moment to understand what she meant one day when in a chat she said she needed to clean up a bit about the house and was "off to do the hoovering."  ;)
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on February 12, 2011, 12:18:49 PM
A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived.  "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her.  Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From the mouth of babes . . . ya just got to love 'em!   :D
Bucky
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: sis on February 12, 2011, 08:06:18 PM
Bucky I laughed so hard at the grandma w/ the towel on her head.

Everything at my house is a running joke, usually at my expense!

I get t exhausted and say and do crazy things.

Last night my Mom was here and we cooked a big dinner.

My husband always says a blessing but he wasn't home

Momma expects a blessing so I just dove in with my worn out self.

It was short and sweet but at the end instead of saying amen I said bye

The whole table cracked up laughing.
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on February 13, 2011, 02:32:19 AM

It was short and sweet but at the end instead of saying amen I said bye

The whole table cracked up laughing.



Cute one sis!   :D

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her.

I would point out something and ask what color it was.

She would tell me and was always correct.

It was fun for me, so I continued.

At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these, yourself!"

 ;D
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: dainbramage on February 13, 2011, 03:42:09 AM
My husband drives very fast and talks to the cars in front of him, usually cussing. One day I was driving and a car was driving slow in front of me, my daughter wanted for me to go faster and I said there was a car in front of us. She said, "That *#!@ car needs to move!" I about came out of my seat. The boys started cracking up and I could not stop laughing as I am trying to explain to her that is an adult word.
My husband got in trouble.......
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Meld256 on February 13, 2011, 11:30:59 PM
dainbramage,
I'll bet he did get into trouble!  ;)

This is from our great-niece, who is 5 going on 20.  Her Mommy and Daddy have split and so Dad has custody and works 50 hrs. a week while doing a really good job with her and her little brother, who is almost 2. One day we heard Daddy, our nephew, tell her that daycare was expensive.
He joked with her and said "Abie, I don't know if I can afford it anymore. It really costs Daddy a lot. I might just need you to take care of your bubby instead."  She was dead serious and told him "Ok, Daddy, I can watch Bubby, but I need somebody to watch me while I watch him!"   :D
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: CAT1962 on February 14, 2011, 10:20:40 AM
 ;D Bob!

A beautiful young woman went to visit the doctor for a complaint. After completing disrobing per doctors request, he said, "AH!..here's the problem...you have a splinter in your finger."
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: BobC50 on February 15, 2011, 12:09:00 PM
I went to the doctors with a jelly stuck in one ear and custard in the other. The doctor asked, 'what seems to be the problem?' I said 'you have to speak up, I'm a trifle deaf.'
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Katybarstool on February 15, 2011, 01:09:35 PM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: dbab on February 16, 2011, 11:22:31 AM
I don't have any jokes but I thought I'd share with you how my dog 'lounges' on the recliner... that's just one of the many crazy things she does

http://i28.photobucket.com/albums/c208/dbab75/IMAG0057.jpg (http://i28.photobucket.com/albums/c208/dbab75/IMAG0057.jpg)
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on February 16, 2011, 01:52:11 PM
dbab -  Cute . . . does your dog ever fall off the recliner? 
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: dbab on February 16, 2011, 01:55:47 PM
Bucky, no she stretches herself off the recliner :D
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on February 16, 2011, 02:43:15 PM
Oxymoron's

*  Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
*  If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
*  Why do we say something in out of whack?  What is a whack?
*  Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
*  Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
*  Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
*  Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
*  Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
*  Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
*  Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?  (try saying that fast 5 times!!)   ::)


Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: harrigan on February 16, 2011, 03:24:06 PM
Whilst off sick, I have had a bit more time than usual to go exploring on the latop. I came across a forum with handy tips for arthritis sufferers, one of which was to collect all the laundry then throw it downstairs ahead of you.

Susie's French exchange partner is arriving tonight (bad timing as another body to look after is not really what I need at the moment!). This causes much swapping of beds and bedding. So, I gathered one huge bundle together inside a sheet, rolled it up (not particularly easy with sore hands!) and threw it down stairs....

Unfortunately, it landed on the dying poinsetta on the hall window sill, sent that crashing to the floor and smashed the pot. The bottom of the stairs was a mess of plant, soil, pottery and much dirtier laundry! It added a whole new meaning to soiled bedding! Both cats are traumatised as they wre asleep under the hall radiator. Betty, the nervous one, is now sitting on the sideboard and staring at the carpet in fear. Teddy is sitting outside in a resigned manner.

I'm trying hard to have a "you've got to laugh" attitude at the moment, but this one was not easy ... I think I will avoid any new handy hints for a while! xx Ailsa
Back to top   
 
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Katybarstool on February 17, 2011, 01:01:42 PM
Ailsa

What a bummer - and being in the dog house with the cats to boot! Hope your new guest is a good one, and that she pulles her weight.

Hugs
Kathyx
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: jpd54 on February 17, 2011, 02:33:34 PM
I saw this today and thought it was cute!!!


"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like and do what you'd druther not." 
Mark Twain

Been there, done that!  Haha

   jpd
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on February 28, 2011, 11:34:02 AM
Martha's Way vs My Way  (taken from my files)

Martha's way #1:  Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

My way:  Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

                                                   ~  ~  ~  ~  ~

Martha's way #2:  Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time.

My way:  Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds.

Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: dbab on March 01, 2011, 07:09:19 AM
Love it Bucky  :D You are such a breath of fresh air  ;D
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on March 02, 2011, 01:17:19 PM
(Taken from my files . . . . )

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea - does that mean that one enjoys it?!?

                                             ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

(this one is not meant to offend anyone, but I thought it was cute)

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use?  Toothpicks?
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Linda196 on March 03, 2011, 05:29:09 AM
As you know, I'm a Canuck, so I thought I'd share something sent to me by a friend;

98% of Canadians say "Oh Shoot" when they hit an icy patch on the road and slide into the ditch........the other 2% are from Newdoundland and say "hang onto my Timmies and WATCH THIS!"

(for non-Canucks; Timmies refers to our national coffee chain, Tim Horton's, and means any of their hot beverages)
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on March 04, 2011, 06:05:45 AM
Cute one Linda.   :D


More Ponderisms . . . .

What happened to Preparations A through G?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If a cow laughed, would she spew milk out of her nose?
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Scottietottie on March 04, 2011, 09:32:44 AM
I guess they went down the pan!  ;D
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on March 05, 2011, 01:11:00 PM
Martha's Way vs My Way (taken from my files)

Martha's Way #6

To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop.

My way:  Eat at Chili's every night and avoid cooking.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Martha's Way #8

When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

My way:  Go to the bakery.  They'll even decorate it for you.


Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Pisces24 on March 06, 2011, 08:15:45 AM
I got a thing about commercials. I don't think some advertisers really think things through.

Remember Juan Valdez's coffee.  He is waaaay up in the South American mountains, just him and the donkey. Working in the coffee fields and probably drinking A LOT OF COFFEE.   Think about it?  Where do you think that Mountain Grown Flavor comes from?  ;) :D ;D
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on March 07, 2011, 12:59:45 PM
You can pick any color hair you want for this little ditty, but for purposes here, I will pick blonde.   ;)

BLONDE HORSEBACK RIDER

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons, nor prior experience.  She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion.  It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.  She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway.  The horse gallops along seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.  Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune . . . Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

And you thought all they did was say Hello.

 ;D  :D  ;D
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on March 15, 2011, 06:16:01 AM
Martha's Way vs My Way (taken from my files)

Martha's Way #19:  Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer.

*  Clean a toilet.  Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush.  The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous china.

*  Clean a vase.  To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets.

*  Polish jewelry.  Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.

*  Clean a thermos bottle.  Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).

My way:  Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the toilet.  Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at once.

 ;D   ;D   ;D

Oops . . . gotta run, my computer time is up for right now (new challenge).  What better way to spend my computer time than with a smile or laughter.   :D Have a good day.

Bucky
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: dainbramage on March 15, 2011, 06:22:45 AM
I guess we have been using this threat to my daughter too many times (we don't use it on her just use it to keep her from overly acting up), "Anna if you don't stop I am going to get the wooden spoon". One day Daddy was picking on her and she ran to me and said, "Mommy, Daddy is being bad, get your wooden spoon and spank him." Thank goodness we were home and not in public. :o
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Katybarstool on March 15, 2011, 01:05:20 PM
That made me laugh. When my kids were little, our wooden spoon was known as 'the bum smacker' - never used, but regularly threatened. Anyway, one day at nursery, son number one was reading a kiddies recipe book, when he was asked to read the name for the wooden spoon, he smiled and said very confidently - 'that's the bum smacker! Gosh, was I embarrassed!

Kathyx   
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: hootyhu1 on March 15, 2011, 06:30:55 PM
These really are cute! Mine isn't a joke but a chuckle none the less.

My daughter who is 18 months and just learning to talk was with us on a car ride.  We were driving around and I heard "Doggie, Doggie!!!!" I looked and saw the cattle, I said, "No, Honey those are cows." "do you know what sound they make?" she replies, "oink, oink!!!!!"
-Got to love it!
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Daisy1234 on March 19, 2011, 05:43:30 PM
When I was a young minister, a funeral director asked me to hold a grave side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. This was a new cemetery and this man was the first to be laid to rest there.

I was not familiar with the area and became lost. Being a typical man, of course, I did not ask for directions. I finally found the cemetery about an hour late. The back hoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.

I apologized to the workers for being late. As I looked into the open grave, I saw the vault lid already in place. I told the workers I would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening.

I was young and enthusiastic and poured out my heart and soul as I preached. The workers joined in with, "Praise the Lord," "Amen," and "Glory!" I got so into the service that I preached and preached and preached, from Genesis to The Revelation.

When the service was over, I said a prayer and walked to my car. As I opened the door, I heard one of the workers say to another, "I've never seen anything like that before and I've been putting in septic systems for twenty years."    :D

Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on March 21, 2011, 09:19:47 AM
Daisy - cute!  So, if it was a septic system - what was the vault you saw? 

Martha's Way vs My Way  (taken from my files)


Martha's Way #15.  Cure for headaches.  Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead.  The throbbing will go away.

My way:  Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn't the headache anymore, it is because you are now blind.


Bucky
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Daisy1234 on March 21, 2011, 01:45:36 PM
Hi Bucky.  Just to answer your question....  The old concrete septic tanks look vault-like when they are in the ground. 

Glad you enjoyed the joke, and thanks for this thread, it has brought me many smiles.   :D
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on March 24, 2011, 05:23:57 PM
The Arrogance of Authority

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher.  He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there . . . ," as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.

"See this badge?!  This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish . . . On any land!!  No questions asked or answers given!!  Have I made myself clear . . do you understand?!!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull . . . .

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety.

The officer was clearly terrified.

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs . . .

(I just love this part . . . )

"Your badge, show him your BADGE . . .!!"


 ;D   ;D   ;D
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: hootyhu1 on March 30, 2011, 08:17:36 PM
Ha Ha!!! I love it!
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on April 13, 2011, 11:31:58 AM
At income tax time, did you ever notice:

When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells "THEIRS"?!!

 ::)   ::)   ::)

Bucky

P.S.   Hope everyone is either done, or wrapping up their 2010 income tax filing - time is running out.
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on April 26, 2011, 07:40:18 AM
A gem sent to me . . . . .


As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room.

Never having seen anyone breastfeed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing.

After mulling over my answers, she remarked, "My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them."



The innocence of kids . . . ya got to love it!!   :D

Bucky
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on April 27, 2011, 09:38:39 AM
Sent to me . . .


I just wanted you to know I have entered the snapdragon part of my life.

Part of me has snapped . . . . . .

and the rest of the me is draggin'!!

 ;D

Bucky
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Katybarstool on April 27, 2011, 01:46:23 PM
Fantastic Mrs Bucky!

Kathyx
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on April 28, 2011, 04:14:43 PM
Some more from my files . . . . .

I don't have hot flashes, I have short, private vacations in the Tropics.   :D

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I only have a kitchen because it came with the house.   :D

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bucky
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: dainbramage on April 28, 2011, 05:57:06 PM
I don't know if anyone else has this problem, but you are going along and working and getting money in the bank...life looks good then
WHAM
Air conditioner, washer or dryer, car, health..............Murphy's Law: you can't have anything because it will be taken away... ::)
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: kimbo on April 28, 2011, 07:00:26 PM
Bucky  ;D

A snapdragon could be our sjoggie Mascot.
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on April 29, 2011, 10:04:14 AM
Received this one yesterday . . . .


A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.

He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately, the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD.

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful (insert hair color of choice here - for this post, we'll use blonde  ;)) blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.

She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."

The blonde says, "Don't worry,"  She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.  She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.

The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another ten feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.  He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can?  What did you spray on the Easter Bunny?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says . . . . . . . .

(Are you ready for this?)

(Are you sure?)

(You know you're gonna be sorry.)

(OK, here it is)

It says,

"Hair Spray - restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."

Happy Easter!!


Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: dainbramage on April 29, 2011, 06:03:50 PM
Bucky I still wasn't ready for that  ;D ;D ;D
good one
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: kimbo on April 30, 2011, 08:39:39 PM
Too funny LOL!
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on May 05, 2011, 01:54:21 PM
Nurses Revenge

A bigshot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.  He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees.  None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him.  She walked into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something.  Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out.  He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing.  After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.

"What's going on here?"  asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc?  Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?"

After a pause, the doctor replies, "Yes, but never with a daffodil!"

 ;D   ;D   ;D   ;D

Bucky . . . . . (thought all our nurses here would like this one  :D)
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Katybarstool on May 06, 2011, 01:39:57 PM
Bucky

That's soooo funny  ;D ;D ;D

Kathyx
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: irish on May 07, 2011, 02:47:12 PM
Bucky, A daffodil you say! Oh that is such a hoot. Just imaging it.............................................. ::)Irish ;D
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: dainbramage on May 08, 2011, 04:38:53 AM
Do you know how many doctors and bigwigs I would love to do that toooooo,,, YOUTUBE!

Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on May 08, 2011, 07:50:55 PM
Here's some "Mom" stuff I received in an e-mail.


MOMS - answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

What kind of little girl was your mom?

1.  My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.

2.  I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.

3.  They say she used to be nice.


What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?

1.  His last name.

2.  She had to know his background.  Like is he a crook?  Does he get drunk on beer?

3.  Does he make at least $800 a year?  Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?


Why did your mom marry your dad?

1.  My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world.  And my mom eats a lot.

2.  She got too old to do anything else with him.

3.  My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.


Who's the boss at your house?

1.  Mom doesn't want to be the boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.

2.  Mom.  You can tell by room inspection.  She sees the stuff under the bed.

3.  I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.



What's the difference between moms and dads?

1.  Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.

2.  Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.

3.  Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you go to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.


If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?

1.  She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean.  I'd get rid of that.

2.  I'd make my mom smarter.  She she would know it was my sister who did it, not me.

3.  I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.



 ;D

Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Meld256 on May 09, 2011, 07:13:59 AM
Love it, Bucky!!  ;D :D

I think my favorite is what a mom needs to know before marrying dad: Does he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?  Thank goodness I found one of those dads.  ;D  (And his dear momma had a lot to do with that) 
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on May 10, 2011, 12:37:21 PM
(from my files)

While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. 

As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent.

Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair.

Placing his hand on the man's, he said, I know how you feel.  My mom makes me ride in the stroller too!


Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on May 19, 2011, 08:11:38 PM
Two chuckles I found after I finished my Popsicles tonight.   :D

What is a pig's favorite karate move?

A pork chop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What did Mr. & Mrs. Hamburger name their daughter?

Patty
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Scottietottie on May 20, 2011, 08:02:55 AM
I can't usually remember jokes but here's one I heard today:

A father wanted to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. He went into a toy shop and didn't realise how many different kinds of Barbies there were. He looked at "Beach Barbie" "Party Barbie" "Country Barbie" " College Barbie" and then he spotted "Divorce Barbie"  He noticed that most of the barbies were priced at ?9.99 but that the "Divorce Barbie" cost more than ?200.

"Why is that doll so much more expensive?" He asked the salesperson.

"Ah - well you see - "Divorce Barbie" comes with Kens house, Ken's car, Ken's horse and even Ken's mate"  she replied.    :)



Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Ohiocat on May 29, 2011, 10:31:09 AM
It was time to shear the sheep and the three brothers were hard at work.  The two older brothers decided to make a race out of the process.

Each of them were trying to get their share of the sheep done before the other one.  The youngest brother then had the job of taking the wool and placing it inside the barn.

As the older brothers raced, the youngest brother said, I want to race too.  To see if I can get my job done before you do.  The older brothers looked at each other, but decided to humor the youngest and said okay, he could race also.

So after hours of work, the oldest brothers finished up while the youngest brother took this last set into the barn.  The two oldest brother began to argue as to who had finished first.  The youngest brother came out of the barn and told them it did not matter - because HE had won the race.

And then he lead them into the barn to see all the wool, and one sheep that still needed to be done.  The youngest brother had won the race.
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on May 31, 2011, 06:45:39 PM
    CURTAIN RODS --- PRICELESS

     On the first day, she sadly packed her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

     On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

     On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table, by candlelight, she put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring water.

     When she'd finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the curtain rods.

     She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

     On the fourth day, the husband came back with his new girlfriend, and at first all was bliss.
     
     Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

     They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.  Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!

     People stopped coming over to visit.

     Repairmen refused to work in the house.

     The maid quit.

     Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

     Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

     Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

    Then the ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

     Knowing she could have no idea how bad the smell really was, he agreed on a price that was only 1/10 th of what the house had been worth ... but only if she would sign the papers that very day.

     She agreed, and within two hours his lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

    A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ....and to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!

     I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: hikerknees on June 01, 2011, 09:48:25 PM
Oh Bucky, where do you get these, that was too awful, I'm afraid I laughed out loud!
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: jordozmom on June 08, 2011, 02:20:20 PM
We have a place downtown that sells funny wall signs - here are some of my favorites:

"Save the Earth...it is the only place that has wine and chocolate."

"Children left unattended will be given espresso and a free kitten."

"My Indian Name is She Who Buys Many Shoes."

"My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines."

"This kitchen is closed due to illness, I'm sick of cooking."
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on June 09, 2011, 12:11:58 PM
From my files . . . .

What disease did cured ham actually have?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

 ;D   ;D
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: hikerknees on July 10, 2011, 08:07:00 PM
OK, things have been kinda sad around here lately so I went and looked up this oldie but goodie.  It is worth a second laugh and goodness knows you can't ever laugh too much!


Subject: Fw: Banned from Walmart


This is why women should not take men shopping against their
will. DON'T TAKE ME IF I DON'T WANT TO GO...........



After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her
husband accompany her on her trips to WalMart.  Unfortunately, Mr.
Fenton was like most men-- he found shopping boring and preferred to get
in and get out.  Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most
women-- she loved to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following
letter from her local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a
commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be
forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr.
Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance
cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
people's c arts when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House Wares to go off at
5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to
the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in House Wares. Get on it right away.'

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of
M&M's on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a
carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and
told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he
began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it
as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting departme nt,
he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while
loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his
'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud
speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE
VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least...

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'


Regards,
Walmart
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on July 10, 2011, 08:26:58 PM
hikerknees . . . loved that one!!   ;D  Thanks!

(Actually, some of those WOULD be fun to do!!  :D)

Bucky
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: hikerknees on July 11, 2011, 10:19:18 AM
Don't you dare Bucky, I wouldn't want to feel responsible for you being banned from Wal-Mart!  On second thought though I am not a big Wallie fan, so go ahead :).
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: stephL on July 31, 2011, 07:31:46 AM
Sitting at home alone
A man was sitting at home alone when he heard a knock on the front door.There were two sheriff's deputies there.
He asked them, "Is there a problem Officers?" One of the sheriffs asked if he was married and the man says yes. The sheriff asks if he could see a picture of his wife. The guy says "sure " and shows him a picture of his wife. The sheriff says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck."

The guy says, "I know, but she has a great personality...and she's a good cook too."


Bank Robbery
Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two's hand. Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, "What is this?"

To which lawyer number one replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."


Who's dumb now?
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer,This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, Which do you want, son? The boy takes the quarters and leaves. What did I tell you? said the barber. That kid never learns! Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?

The boy licked his cone and replied, Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!


Edit: Punctuation
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Pisces24 on August 06, 2011, 06:43:12 PM
Here is one for people who want to brag about their pets!

Two men met while walking their dogs and got to talking. One fellow bragged that his dog made him lots of money from commercials, etc. by doing tricks.  He then had the dog do some wonderful tricks that made them both smile. "What about your dog?" the fellow asked the other. "Does he do any tricks, etc.?"

"Weeell" said the other guy, not to be outdone. "My dog don't have to work for a living!"
I think we all have pets like that!  ;) ;D
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on August 09, 2011, 09:54:11 AM
Here you go . . . something to ponder:

Health Message:

1.  If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2.  A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water and is fat.

3.  A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4.  A tortoise doesn't run, does nothing . . . yet, lives for 450 years.

AND YOU TELL ME TO EXERCISE!!
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Meld256 on August 09, 2011, 10:09:02 PM
hikerknees,

I just got around to reading your "Walmart" story. (i'm behind) :)  That's one of the funniest things I've read in a while! 

My brother-in-law was a little like this guy; he was so funny.  He would embarrass my sister at every opportunity while they were shopping. He loved westerns, and way back when the movie Paint your Wagon came out, he loved all the songs and would sing them in department stores. 
I was with them in an upscale store once, and he came up behind us belting out "I was bo-oorn under a wanderin' star! Wheels are made for rollin', mules are made to pack..." while he danced through the dinnerware.  My sister was telling him "hush, stop that, be quiet" and he would just smile and sing louder.

He's been gone for 10 years, but he would've really liked "Mr. Fenton's" style.
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on August 10, 2011, 01:47:25 PM
Took this from a friends Status Shuffle post on FB.

I'm in need of CHOCOLATE. Just put it in front of me and walk away...very slowly!   :D

Bucky (who just ate a Reese's Peanut Butter cup . . . shhhhhhhh, our secret  ;))
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on August 15, 2011, 02:08:25 PM
Saw this on a friends FB page:   ;D

FAMILIES ARE LIKE PANTIES... Some crawl up your butt. Some snap under pressure. Some don't have the strength to hold you up. Some get a little twisted. Some are your favorite. Some are holy. Some are cheap. Some are naughty. And some actually cover your butt when you need them to. Re-post for all the family you know and love, give them a laugh today!!!


Bucky
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Daisy1234 on August 31, 2011, 04:56:41 AM
Here's one that brought a smile to my face.

Working people often ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day, Mary, my wife and I went into town and visited a shop.
When we came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"
He completely ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a "stupid a** jerk" and he glared at me and then started writing out a new ticket for having worn out tires.

So Mary then called him a "real sh*t head".  The cop finished writing up the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.  Then he started writing out more tickets.
This continued on for about 20 minutes.  The more he wrote tickets, the more we told him what we thought of him and that made him write out even more tickets.

Just then, our bus arrived and we got on it and returned home.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we are retired.  Its important at our age.
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on October 07, 2011, 07:52:50 PM
It's been a while since we've shared some laughter . . . so, here goes.  I think I posted this one before, but I came across it again tonight and it still brings a smile to my face. 

How do these people survive?

I was checking out at the local Walmart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine.  I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.  After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.  Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?".  I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy this today".  She said, "OK", and I paid her for the things and left.  She had no clue to what had just happened.

Bucky  ;D
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Scottietottie on October 08, 2011, 06:56:17 AM
Um - I wonder how long she'll work there for!!

Thanks for the laugh!  :)
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on October 20, 2011, 05:19:24 PM
From my files:

What My Mother Taught Me

My mother taught me to APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION:
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC:
"Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT:
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY:
"Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS:
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA:
"You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER:
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - don't exaggerate!"

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:
"Stop acting like your father!"

Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Narablueeyes on October 20, 2011, 09:21:29 PM
My turn!!

A pirate walks into a bar and he's got a steering wheel sticking out the front of his knickers.

People stop and stare, mumbling to each other.

He takes a seat at the bar and tells the waiter he'd like a guiness.

The waiter returns a minute later, puts the guiness in from of him and says, "I'm assuming you do know you have a steering wheel in your pants."

The pirate replies, "Argh!  Aye matey, and it's driving me nuts!"
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on October 25, 2011, 01:10:42 PM
Life's embarrassing moments . . . I can laugh about it, because it didn't happen to me!!   ;D

Today, while I was in the grocery store this lady was looking at some meat in the meat counter and trailing behind her is a long white piece of toilet paper.   :o  So, I told her. 

She said, "no wonder people have been looking funny at me!". 

So, she reached back and pulled it off.  Well, when she did that, some of it was still hanging out of her jeans, so I told her "you still have some hanging".  She rolled her eyes and thanked me so much for telling her.  Then she said, "thank goodness I wasn't wearing a skirt . . . my luck, it would be tucked in my pantyhose and showing the whole world!!"

I've always seen cartoons about this, but never witnessed it in person . . . until today!   ;)

 ;D   ;D   ;D   ;D 

Bucky
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on November 12, 2011, 07:33:38 PM
Somebody sent this to me:

The Blind Cashier

A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her
grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs
one and goes over to the counter.

The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark shades.
She says to him, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything
about this rod and reel?"

He says, ?"Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it
on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter
anyway......

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a
Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all-around combination,
and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the
sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her
purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally toots.

At first she is really embarrassed, but then
realizes......there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who
tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person
around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That will be $34.50
please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you
tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the
Duck Call is $11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

She paid it and left without saying a word.

 ;D
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: smallfry on November 13, 2011, 02:10:30 AM
Every year when the fair came to town a very elderly couple Dave and his wife Mabel would get dressed in there best go,and every year Dave would say to Mabel, I would sure like to have a ride in that plane Mabel, and Mabel would reply yes dear but fifty pounds is fifty pounds.and every year Dave would go home very disappointed.

The next year when the fair came to town they saw the man again with this plane,and Dave said I would sure like to have a ride in that plane Mabel, and Mabel replied yes dear but fifty pounds is fifty pounds.

As this had been happening for a lot of years now the man with the plane Say's to them OK!
I'll take you up in my plane but I hear one word out of you two you will have to pay me fifty pounds.

So they got into the plane and he took them up the pilot did loop DE loops and every trick that he could think of and not one word out of them.

On the way back down the pilot Say's I tried everthing i could to get you two to say something and nothing worked.

Then Dave Say's well I was gonna say something when Mabel fell out but fifty pounds is fifty pounds.   
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: harrigan on November 16, 2011, 02:29:04 PM
This one is true ... my 16 year old daughter said it tonight!

First, the background.  Her Dad left me when she was a year old, with 4 older children up to 11 years old.  He started a new family with the woman he left me for.  He left them a few months ago to move into a house with another 'lady'

We just found out they are planning to visit my other daughter, away at Uni in Wales, staying overnight in a B & B.  Daughter number 2 is disgusted with him and sat thinking for a while, then in her best Irish accent, impersonating her father perfectly, she said she plans to call the B & B in the morning and ask for the room booking to be changed .... to a room with bunk beds!

I won't be stopping her   ;)
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Katybarstool on November 17, 2011, 01:32:22 PM
Ailsa

Well done daughter number two ;D

Kathyx
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on November 17, 2011, 05:07:22 PM
You'll have to let us know if Daughter #2 actually does this!  That would be so funny.   :D

Bucky
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: harrigan on November 20, 2011, 10:17:21 AM
How to get arrested ...

I had to do Personal, Health & Social Education lesson with my Y10 class (14-15 year olds) on STIs. I had information packs for each infection - gonnorhea, syphillis, HIV etc. So I started the lesson by saying to the assembled groups: "Right, I'm going to give you all an STI". Oh well, at least it broke the ice!!
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Katybarstool on November 20, 2011, 01:26:21 PM
Ailsa

That's so funny! What was the reaction?

Kathyx
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: hjane0811 on November 20, 2011, 03:41:07 PM
A gem sent to me . . . . .


As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room.

Never having seen anyone breastfeed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing.

After mulling over my answers, she remarked, "My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them."

The innocence of kids . . . ya got to love it!!   :D

Bucky



Bucky,  I loved this one. Reminds me of two other young people who questioned me under the same circumstance.

One asked "Did they have to make holes in you for that to work?" 

To the second chid, I mentioned, "this is how I give the baby her milk"  and she asked, "Can you make Orange Juice, too?

You are right...you have to love children's innocence and curiosity, too.  Makes sense, doesn't it?
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on November 20, 2011, 03:46:25 PM
"Can you make Orange Juice, too? 

LOL - Cute!!   ;D
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Scottietottie on November 20, 2011, 06:46:11 PM
Apparently my son and DIL were shopping the other day with my grandson who is now 14 months. At the checkout there was a five year old girl throwing a BIG tantrum.

To his parents' consternation and amusement he frowned at the girl and shouted "STOP!" really authoratively. ("stop" is now among his first 10 words or so - but apparently clearer than most) The checkout girl was in fits of laughter. Son and DIL beat a hasty retreat in case the girl's parents were upset.   :)
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on November 23, 2011, 08:40:04 PM
Twas the night of Thanksgiving,
But I just couldn't sleep.
I tried counting backwards,
I tried counting sheep.

The leftovers beckoned -
The dark meat and white,
But I fought the temptation
With all of my might.

Tossing and turning with anticipation,
The thought of a snack became infatuation.
So, I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door,
And gazed at the fridge, full of goodies galore.
Gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,
Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.

I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,
'Til all of a sudden, I rose off the ground.
I crashed through the ceiling, floating into the sky,
With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie.
But, I managed to yell as I soared past the trees . . .
Happy eating to all - pass the cranberries, please.
                                  ~ ~ ~

May your stuffing be tasty,
May your turkey be plump,
May your potatoes 'n gravy have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious,
May your pies take the prize,
May your Thanksgiving dinner stay off of your thighs!!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL THE MEMBERS WHO CELEBRATE THIS HOLIDAY!!
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Scottietottie on November 24, 2011, 08:13:19 AM
Love it Bucky!  :)
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on December 01, 2011, 08:01:30 PM
I saw this as I was cleaning out some old emails sent to me. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Never Argue with a Woman

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside
cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book.
The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment.
I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on December 02, 2011, 11:48:54 AM
Here's another one I found in my mail.  Warning . . . this is a long one, but I bet you can relate.   ;)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place.

Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors.

Every stall is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.

You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!

The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty.

You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume " The Stance."

In this position - your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet.

"Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the  TOILET SEAT.

It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.

You are no longer able to smile politely to them.

A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!).

It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long.

It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!

This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could describe it so accurately!

 :D  :D  :D  :D  :D  :D  :D  :D
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: irish on December 02, 2011, 09:33:01 PM
Bucky, Oh, that is hysterical and oh, so true. I hate using the restroom in public places!!!

While reading this I was reminded of something that I hadn't thought about in years.

Years ago I went into a K Mart restroom and of course, there was no hook to hang up my purse. I did, of course, put the toilet paper on the seat after placing my purse on the back of the toilet. The floor was dirty beyond belief and also quite wet.

After I got up, flushed the toilet and got all my clothes in order my purse proceeded to fall into the toilet bowl. I thought I would die! I mean DIE! Do you understand that as nurse I am acutely conscous of every micro-organism that could possibly be living in that toilet. AND NOW, IT WAS LIVING INSIDE MY PURSE!!!!

I went to customer service and gave them a piece of my mind, went and bought a new purse and salvaged what I could from the old one. That was truly a very troublesome experience for me. This is not made up but grossly true. Yuck!! Irish ;D
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on December 03, 2011, 10:38:26 AM
Irish - OHHHH NOOOOOO!!!!  :o  It sends chills up my spine to read that!  Ewwwww!!

I have never put my purse on the back of the toilet - and believe me, after reading this, I never would!!   ;)

I have had to resort to hanging it around my neck before.   ::)

I bet the next time we are in the dire situation to use a public restroom, we'll think of this thread!!   ;D

Bucky
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: olmphoto2 on December 08, 2011, 11:59:52 AM
A COWBOY NAMED FRED

A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher
came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, 'Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat.'


The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient: 'Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager.'


Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.


Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked, 'All right buddy what's your name?'


'Fred,' the cowboy moaned.

'Where ya from, Fred?' asked the Ranger.

with terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied,






'...the balcony...'        
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: irish on December 08, 2011, 09:48:46 PM
I love this joke!!! You got me laughing loud on this one. My hubby will enjoy it too. Irish ;D
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: A66eyroad on December 09, 2011, 05:41:11 AM
A friend of mine is a speech therapist in a nursing home where she does a lot of work with people who are recovering from strokes. One of the things she uses in therapy is a hand-held vibrator to stimulate the muscles in the face.  You know, one of "those." She uses them so much that they burn out quickly.

She was at the mall with her three-year-old daughter and walked in to one of those stores that sells novelties where she thought she'd pick up a couple. She had a coupon for half-off, so she filled her hand-held basket with all the vibrators the store had --- about 20 of the things.

When she went to the cashier, she sat her daughter on the counter, and placed the basket of vibrators next to her.

The cashier had a shocked look on her face when she saw all those vibrators!

The little girl looked up at the cashier and sweetly said, "My daddy's out of town this week."
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on December 09, 2011, 07:48:03 AM
Oh no!!!  I bet your friend was embarrassed!  The innocence of kids . . ya gotta love it!   ;)

Mary Ann - yours was cute too.   :D

Bucky
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Katybarstool on December 10, 2011, 12:08:48 PM
Keep them coming! Loved those two.

Kathyx
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: susanep on December 10, 2011, 08:04:46 PM
Bucky-You have to keep this thread going. I have laughed so much tonight, and it's a good thing.  ;D

susanep  :)
Title: Re: 2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .
Post by: Narablueeyes on December 12, 2011, 10:19:11 AM
Three women, two younger one a little older, decided to go to the sauna room after working out.  As they were sitting there, one of the younger women started beeping.  She raised her hand and pushed into the palm of her hand and said, "That's my beeper computer chip I had installed in my palm."  she walked out of the room to go call her secretary.

She returned and sat back down when the other younger woman started ringing.  She answered her implanted Bluetooth by pressing right beneath her ear. 

The older woman, feeling a bit left out, took leave to the restroom and returned with a long piece of toilet tissue hanging from her rotund backside.  The two younger women just stared at her in surprise and the older woman turned to look behind her and said, "Well will you look at that!!  A fax!!".  ;D