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Sjogrens Topics => Living With Sjogren's => Topic started by: Bucky on November 20, 2009, 06:23:55 AM

Title: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on November 20, 2009, 06:23:55 AM
This thread borders on the "social" board, but I feel it helps our overall healthy well being that I have posted it under the Discussion Board.

Laughter . . . who doesn't feel better when something strikes their funny bone and it brings a smile, chuckle, belly laugh or tears (or on occasions a snort . . LOL)??   :D  Laughter is one of those stress relieving things that can change your mood in an instant.  Have you ever been in a stressful, tense environment when someone "lightened" the mood by telling a joke?  Laughter lightens the mood.

I come from a joke telling family.  My Dad loves to tell jokes.  IF we don't laugh the first time, he will repeat it!   ::)  We'll tell him "Dad, we got it it the first time!".  LOL

So . . . here's the deal.  This thread is about jokes or life stories that have brought laughter or smile into your life that you would like to share.  I am not the "host" of this thread . . just starting it.   :D  Let's have fun with this and also help bring some laughter into our lives on this Sjogren's road journey we're all on where some times in our health issues there is nothing to laugh about.

This is short notice as I just decided to start this thread this morning after reading Irish's reply to a question about pillow talk.   This is something I found real quick in one of my files.

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and as always the preacher was standing at the door shaking hands as the congregation departed.  He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.   The preacher said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"  My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Preacher."  The preacher questioned, "How come I don't see you except for Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."     

Bucky   ;D
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: cindyh on November 20, 2009, 01:44:46 PM
That was the laugh I have been looking for all day.  Thanks
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: roetta on November 20, 2009, 01:49:33 PM
That was great!!    :D
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: ohiolady on November 20, 2009, 02:32:38 PM
Bucky,

That was cute.  Maybe you should give us the joke of the day.  We could all use a little extra laughter in our lives.

Anna
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: kimbo on November 20, 2009, 05:31:33 PM
Bucky,

I have only one real joke that fits into my joke memory department.

here goes:       Why did the armadillo cross the road........ to show the chicken it could be done.

kimbo
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: kimbo on November 20, 2009, 06:39:33 PM
Oh , I am embarrassed,

I told it wrong....

Why did the chicken cross the road...... to show the armadillo it could be done.    ;D


I have never seen a live armadillo,  lots of live chickens though. 

kimbo
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Epson on November 20, 2009, 08:28:30 PM
Kimbo,

Don't you live in Arkansas?  And you never saw an Armadillo, their all over the place, rats on a half shell is what we called them.
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Patze on November 21, 2009, 05:56:36 AM
Thanks Bucky, that was a good one! :D

Hi Kimbo, you've never seen an Armadillo living down that way?

Hi Epson, a rat on a half shell?  Now that's a good one!! ;D


Patze
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on November 21, 2009, 07:39:35 AM

Southern Terms

Benign . . . what you be after you be eight.
Bacteria . . . back door to cafeteria.
Barium . . . what doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section . . . A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan . . . searching for kitty.
Cauterize . . . made eye contact with her.
Colic . . . a sheep dog.
Coma . . . a punctuation mark.
Dilate . . . to live long.
Fester . . . quicker than someone else.
Fibula . . . a small lie.
G.I. Series . . . World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail . . . what you hang your coat on.


This is part one of Southern Terms, I'll have part two tomorrow.  Got to have you keep coming back!!   ;D

Bucky
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Pisces24 on November 21, 2009, 02:44:48 PM
Here is a funny true story for you that kinda emphasizes the old Midwestern attitude.

I am a small size gal and didn't hit over 100 lbs until after college. About that time,  dad mom & I used to like going to auctions. We went once to a nearby little town aucton. I went over to get a soda and came back to find my dad talking to an elderly farmer. "This here your daughter?" he asked my dad. "Yep" dad replied.  "Ya married? Have any kids" he asked me. "No" I said. "I am single".  Then he proceeds to look me up and down and I think ok a compliment is coming - I got a nice smile or personality or something. Well the farmer says "Well, It won't take much to feed ya!".  ???

In later years I finally recognized that as a compliment as more work could be gotten out of me than the cost to feed me - a plus and a real true compliment. I used to kid dad about the guy going home and saying "Son. I found just the gal for you". When the son wants the particulars the guy just says "It don't matter. It won't take much to feed her".

Bless that farmer's honest Midwestern heart.  ;)
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Nans on November 21, 2009, 04:35:33 PM
I've got a good one.  It happened about 20 years ago and it still makes me smile.  My middle child (yes - it's true what they say about them) was 3 or 4 years old at the time.  We were at the table eating supper and he asked me to pass the mashed potatoes.  I said, " You forgot to say the "p" word."  He thought a second, gave a puzzled look and then said, "Penis??"  I tried to bite my lip and not laugh but I couldn't and my husband and I just lost it.  Just further proof that the xy's are born that way!!   ;D
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: kimbo on November 21, 2009, 05:29:50 PM
Oh Nans,  how FUNNY!    Dinner table talk with toddlers......priceless.
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Poochie on November 21, 2009, 08:44:12 PM
This I heard just the other day when I met up with a friend of mine in WalMart.

We got to talking about "getting old" and she told me a story about her grandson.  She said he came up to her while she was sitting in a chair watching TV.  He took her hand and was looking at it.  She ask him what he was looking at and he ask what the spots were on her hand. 

She told him they were "getting old" spots.  He continued to rub his fingers over them, then looked up at her and said "Nana, I know you have to get old, but do you have to get moldy too!"
Out of the mouths of babes. :D :D :D

Pooh
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: lynnmarie219 on November 21, 2009, 08:56:25 PM
(http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys/smiley-laughing001.gif) (http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys.php) (http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys/smiley-laughing001.gif) (http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys.php) (http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys/smiley-laughing001.gif) (http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys.php)

Thanks for all the smiles everyone! How fun! We won some tickets recently in a silent auction and 4 of us went to a comedy show last night in Chicago....and did we laugh...it was great....laughter is truly the best medicine!
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Katybarstool on November 22, 2009, 06:27:22 AM
Got to tell you this one.

Many years ago when my boys were about 7,6,5, we were on a bus. Out of the blue, son No 2 asked, 'mummy, where do babies come from'. Eek, a full bus of people were waiting for an answer. Thinking on my feet, I said 'They come out of mummy's little pocket' (Well, wht would you have said? )The whole bus cracked up.

I often wonder if my kids thought their mummy was a kangaroo ;)

Kathyx
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Patze on November 22, 2009, 07:30:27 AM
Good and quick thinking Kathyx!!!  Wow, that is such a neat answer!


Patze
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on November 22, 2009, 02:04:14 PM
Southern Terms (Part Two)

Labor Pain . . . Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff . . . A Doctor's cane.
Morbid . . . A higher offer than 1 bid.
Nitrates . . . Cheaper than day rates.
Node . . . I knew it.
Outpatient . . . A person who has fainted.
Post Operative . . . A letter carrier.
Recovery Room . . . Place to do upholstery.
Seizure . . . Roman emperor.
Tablet . . . A small table.
Terminal Illness . . . Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor . . . More than one.
Varicose . . . Near by / close by.


Bucky   ;D
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on November 23, 2009, 12:31:27 PM
Parking Ticket

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.  Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.  We were only in there for about 5 minutes.  When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.  We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"  He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.  I called him a goof-ball.  He glared at me and starting writing another ticket for having worn tires.  He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.  Then he started writing a third ticket.  This went on for about 20 minutes.  The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.  Personally, we didn't care.  We came into town by bus and the car had a (political person, I won't mention who) sticker.  We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.  It's important at our age.


Author unknown . . . found in my files.
 ;D  ;D  ;D  ;D

Bucky
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Patze on November 25, 2009, 03:23:22 AM
Good one!!!!  That would be something that I might do when I retire!!!!  ;) ;D


Patze
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on November 25, 2009, 07:21:30 PM
May your stuffing be tasty,
May your turkey be plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
have never a lump.
May your yams be delicious
and your pies take the prize,
and may your Thanksgiving dinner
stay off your thighs!! 


:)
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on November 27, 2009, 08:32:37 AM
If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle "take two aspirin" and "keep away from children"!!!!   ;D  ;D  ;D

Bucky
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: lynnmarie219 on November 27, 2009, 09:29:47 AM
(http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys/smiley-laughing013.gif) (http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys.php) Oh Bucky.....you crack me up.....keep 'em coming my friend!
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Joy Cox on November 27, 2009, 10:42:29 AM
 
Our Special Bucky, In TN talk, you're a hoot!!! Have a wonderful weekend.     J   :-*  Y
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: jaygee on November 27, 2009, 12:22:13 PM
Bucky - I'm laughing out loud - thankyou!!    ;D    xx
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Patze on November 27, 2009, 02:20:24 PM
Bucky, that's what I keep telling kidlet!  Maybe now I'll be believed!!!  ;) ;D


Patze
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on December 01, 2009, 08:19:54 PM
Maxine Says It Best

I keep hitting escape, but I'm still here.

Ever notice how people who tell you to calm down are the ones who got you mad in the first place?

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

Bucky   ;D
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on January 04, 2010, 02:37:25 PM
I've been sorting thru some old papers - here's one for you.

Senior Moment
(This is a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida)

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.  She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it!  Get out of the car!"  The four men didn't wait for a second invitation.  They got out and ran like mad.  The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shoppings bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat.  She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.  She tried and tried and then it dawned on her why . . For the same reason she did not understand why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12 packs in the front seat.  A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.  She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.  The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing.  He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair and carrying a large handgun.  No charges were filed.


 
;D   ;D   ;D   ;D   ;D   ;D   ;D


Bucky
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on January 05, 2010, 08:44:14 AM
Children's Logic:  "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.  The small boy wrote:  "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."  The teacher took the lad aside to correct him.  "Don't you know what pregnant means?"  she asked.  "Sure," said the young boy confidently.  "It means carrying a child."



Kids - ya gotta love 'em.   ;D

Bucky
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Joy Cox on January 05, 2010, 09:42:40 AM
For the life of me, I do not know how I got to the second page of this post!  Started reading the funny stories and have enjoyed a great deal of laughter!!!!  The stories ALL seemed NEW... until I got to the Bucky's original post. In it she mentioned PILLOW TALK...BINGO, THE LIGHT TURNED ON IN MY HEAD!!!!

PLEASE TELL ME YOU UNDERSTAND  ::) ; believe empathy is the word!!!!!!!!!!

ENDLESS JOY CAN BE FOUND ON THIS WEBSITE... If you just let a post topic 'sit' for a couple of months and then read it again, if like me, it will all seem new again.   :P   :o   Naptime... :-*

Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: ohiolady on January 05, 2010, 09:55:33 AM
Joy,

Thanks for making us all feel normal.  Why do we Sjoggies have such memory issues?  Got to accept it and make the most if it, I guess.

Anna
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: jordozmom on January 05, 2010, 10:19:45 AM
When my son was four he had multiple bouts with strep throat and the doctor and nurses talked about taking his "tonsils" out.  Around the same time period, he had been on the pot and called me into the bathroom to ask me what "those" were.  Not one to use baby words I explained to him that those were his "testicles".  A week or so after our "those" discussion my son was taking a shower and, looking down, he exclaimed, "Hey, where did my tonsils go?!!!"  I bit my lip and stifled a laugh and said, "Honey, your tonsils are in your throat." To which he replied, "How did they get way up there?!"
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Joy Cox on January 05, 2010, 11:03:16 AM
      ;D    Thanks for the vote of confidence, Anna!!!!   J   :-*  Y
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: harrigan on January 05, 2010, 12:51:17 PM
Jordozmom, that is definitely one to save for ammunition when you need to embarrass him later - like a wedding reception speech or something
 ;D
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: SassieCat on January 05, 2010, 10:51:11 PM
Bucky, you'll like this one (it's true)

Years ago when I was first married to a cop and we were still in the "learning about each other" stage.  He was complaining that he was suffering from hemorrhoids really bad.  I happened to mention that he had some suppositories in the refrigerator and would he like me to get one for him.

Sure..... But there were too different kinds.  So thinking how miserable he was, I grabbed the bigger one and gave it to him and sent him on his merry way. 

About 30 minutes later, the cruiser comes flying up the drive way and he comes running into the house.

Gun off (thank goodness)
belt off
vest off
radio off

and down the hall he flew to the bathroom.  "Call the radio dispatcher and tell her I'm tied up and not to give me any calls!  DO NOT tell her where I am!" 

So I called the dispatcher and told her what he said.  Of course she asked me why, and with a guilty chuckle, I told her.  Then over the police radio I hear, "M51, do you have the situation under control?"  cussing under his breath he replies, "Yep, just finishing up the paperwork!" 

Poor man had to go to the doctor the next day.  How was I to know they were for constipation?
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: jordozmom on January 06, 2010, 07:23:36 AM
Oh SassieCat - I am CRYING I am laughing so hard.  BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!  I really needed that!
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Bernice on January 06, 2010, 08:57:34 AM
Sassie,

That was funny!!!

For me I have too many crazy mishaps to even pick just one, so I will simply enjoy reading and laughing at you guys, plus they make me feel that I am not the only one who's life is so humorous!

I love it! Keep them coming!

This thread makes me wonder where Stillguy and Epson are. Stillguy has been missing for a while now!
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: jordozmom on January 06, 2010, 11:32:43 AM
OK - After Sassie's story I just have to share how I single-handedly destroyed a brand new bathroom at the clinic.  My Rheumy moved to a brand new building and after an appointment he sent me to the brand new lab to have blood and urine  and a heart sonogram done.  They called me to do the blood and urine first.  Blood went fine, then they sent me to the bathroom to give a urine sample.  Well, I am a germ-a-phobe and refuse to sit on public toilet seats - I always just squat.  So I'm squatting and trying to pee in this teeny tiny cup.  Well, midway through I had what I call a "rogue stream" which is a stream of pee that decides to veer off to the right and down your leg and onto your pants and shoes rather than straight down into the pot.  So I start to wiggle my butt around to try to stop the rogue stream and I lost my balance.  Any normal person would have just sat on the pot, but instead I drop the cup into the toilet and start clawing at the walls and sink like a cat in a bathtub to catch myself and avoid touching the toilet seat.  Well, needless to say, I managed to get pee EVERYWHERE.  For one split second I actually considered not cleaning it up and just running away - hoping know one would find out.  Only the cup is bobbing up and down in the toilet WITH MY NAME PRINTED ON THE SIDE OF IT, so I knew I had to stay.  I had to wipe up the toilet and the floor and my shoes AND the girl who wouldn't sit on the pot is now reaching her hand into the actual toilet to retrieve the cup.  Now, the whole time I hear the lab tech on the other side of the wall opening and closing the little metal door looking for my sample and then I realize that I have to go out there and explain to her why I've been in the bathroom for an hour but have no sample.  And to make matters worse I HAD TO GO OUT IN THE LOBBY AGAIN AND WAIT FOR MY HEART SONOGRAM IN PEE-PEE PANTS!!!  I thought I was going to die!  The techs were all actually wonderful about it but I just wanted to crawl up under a table and hide.  OH, and my heart turned out just fine!!!
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: roetta on January 06, 2010, 11:52:50 AM
Jordozmom - I almost peed myself laughing at that one. If they didn't already think I was nuts, the people I work with sure do now!!  ;)
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Bernice on January 06, 2010, 11:58:48 AM
Jordozmom,

WOW! Just WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!

i'm like you I do not want to have to touch NOTHING in public bathrooms. I have to do alot of tricks just to make it out the door without touching anything, including the door.

Lord! I just don't know what I would have done in this situation!
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on January 06, 2010, 04:55:10 PM
Oh my . . . between Jordozmom and Sassie . . thanks for the good laughs.   ;D  You know you can submit stuff like this to Readers Digest and get money for it!!!

Jordozmom - perhaps you need to carry some of those disposable paper seat covers in your purse so you are always prepared for public places.  Would you use those?  (And maybe suggest it to your Rheumy to install one of those dispensers in his new "initiated" bathroom.)   ;)

Bucky
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: SassieCat on January 06, 2010, 07:15:21 PM
Jordozmom - Oh how funny!  Probably wasn't at the moment but now we can look back at things and giggle. 

But you have a serious point.  Why don't they make those darned cups a little bigger?  It's like telling a man to pee in the cup standing 3 feet back!  lol
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: SassieCat on January 06, 2010, 07:40:11 PM
Same husband was installing a ceiling fan in the bedroom.  He told me to turn on the light to see if it worked. 

THUNK THUNK THUNK THUNK

Was it my fault he forgot to duck?
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Bernice on January 06, 2010, 09:14:20 PM
Sassiecat, this man must thought you had a hit out for me or something!

I'm going to share this one.

A older cousin of mine passed away, we went to his funeral, all is well, now it's time to go to the burial site as is customary. All are gathering in a tent with the casket and the preachers, pallbearer and funeral directors in the front, We are already in standing and waitng for the immediately family to finish coming in of wihich is a very close cousin of mine when the preacher announces that there are some seats left up front with the immediate family. So I leave the side of my sister without saying a word to go sit with my cousin on the front row. Well this was a time before I got my sight back mind ya! As I was walking around the edge of tent my foot slipped and twisted on the side stiking in the mud, my body hits the tent, we heard this loud sound, the tent is rocking and swaying. There I was stuck in the mud unable to free myself from the mud and pressed against this tent. I'm trying to push against the tent to stand myself upright and everytime I push the tent sways and makes this loud gushing sound. Everything stops singing and all, The preachers comforting words to the family. Everything!  Everybody's eyes big looking from me fighting with this tent to looking around at the top of the tent wondering if that thing's coming down on us.

The funeral directors are standing with their mouths wide open wondering how to handle this. Kids laughing, the cousin I was trying to get to on the front row who should be in mourning for her father has lost it in laughter, her family is trying to make her stop laughing, the preachers are confused between her laughter and what is happening around them, my sister instead of trying to help pull me out of the mud is standing with her eyes wide in shock, I'm begging her to help me, but she's frozen in shock. Finally one of my male cousins is passing by looking at me with that smile like ONLY YOU Bernice! Grabs my hand and pulls me free.

Those outside the tents said tthey didn't know what was going on, all they saw was the tent swaying and something pushing and poking it, something that looked like a body pressed against it.

Well finally the service begins, but with much laughter and giggles throughout. Now everytime we gat together that story is retold to my shame!
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: SassieCat on January 06, 2010, 10:43:08 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D  Oh Bernice, that is toooooo funny!  I would have peed my pants! 

It's wonderful to be able to laugh at ourselves sometimes.  Makes one forget for a while what ails us. 

Thanks for sharing........
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: BonusMom on January 07, 2010, 06:55:28 AM
Priceless, Sassiecat, simply priceless!
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: BonusMom on January 07, 2010, 07:06:26 AM
Jordozmom-even with SjS, I had tears of laughter when I read about your rogue pee,  what a great thread to start my day with!
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: jordozmom on January 07, 2010, 11:08:27 AM
Oh Bernice - I am crying!!!!!!   :D :D :D :D :D  I just keep picturing it - the tent swaying and you plastered against the side of it!  I think you and I are a lot alike.  I tell people, every day of my life is like an episode of I Love Lucy - not only do I have the red hair for it, but every day I always get myself into some kind of mess! 
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Bernice on January 07, 2010, 11:12:33 AM
Jordozmom

Yes! My life is an adventure! My husband laughs and says "It's never a dull moment!" I thank God I love to laugh otherwise I would have given up a long time ago from shame alone!
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: jordozmom on January 07, 2010, 11:41:14 AM
Bernice - Me too.  I actually have zero problem laughing at myself. 

While we are telling husband stories - I have to tell one where I screwed up with my guy and got just what I deserved.  Recently we were at the grocery store and having a little tiff - over something ridiculous I'm sure - and even though I knew I was being a little snippy I was just having one of those days where I couldn't help myself.  I wasn't happy with anything he had to say and I had a comeback for everything. (Ladies, you know what I am talking about - one of THOSE DAYS). At one point he said something and I turned around and just let him have it.  I'm talking hand on hip, head bobbing, finger waiving Claire Huxtable/Designing Women style - BAWK, BAWK, BAWK, BAWK!!  Then I turned around and grabbed the cart and stormed off into the next isle.  I stopped to grab some Lean Cuisines and went to throw them into my cart - only to discover that the cart was filled with big brown boxes.  Huh????  Well IT WAS NOT MY CART!!!  In my mind I thought back to when I turned to snap on him and remembered there had been a grocery store employee in the isle who was stocking shelves - in my fury I hadn't realized that I had taken his cart instead!!!!  I turned to Rich and asked him if he knew that I had taken the wrong cart and he said, "Yep."  I asked him why he didn't tell me and he said, "Are you kidding me?  As mad as you were I wasn't about to tell you that!"  And I'm quite sure that the poor store clerk (who couldn't have been a day over 17) wasn't about to tell this crazy angry lady to give him his cart back!  OMG - I was laughing so hard I thought I would die.  Once I was able to compose myself again I took the cart back to the employee and explained what happened and apologized, then I apologized to Rich for being so nasty.  Boy, I sure felt like a fool.  But, that is what I got for being so snotty, I guess!!!!
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: SassieCat on January 07, 2010, 12:41:43 PM
 :D :D :D :D  Jordozmom, that was hilarious.  I read these and start laughing and my hubby thinks I'm losing it.  Oh well, what does he know!

My mother (red hair) went to a store, when she left got into her car and saw a strange man sitting there.  She asked him, "What are you doing?" 

The man replied, "I'm waiting for my wife."  Just then she realized it was not her car. 
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: jordozmom on January 07, 2010, 12:46:05 PM
OMG Sassie - I would have died!  See - it must be a red-headed thing!!!  AHAHAHAHA!
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Prairie Gal on January 22, 2010, 07:37:37 PM
Here's a chuckle for today!  This sign was seen in a Laundromat in England.   Automatic washing machines:  please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

Prairie gal
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: susanep on January 22, 2010, 08:21:54 PM
 Between Jordozmom , and Bernice I was laughing so hard I was crying and coudn't see the screen. My husband said all night He will probably hear me suddenly start to giggle. I have a funny one too, but I am too cracked up right now to tell it. So you will have to wait.  ;D

susanep :)

Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: trector1955 on January 22, 2010, 09:23:45 PM
All the stories here are really funny. Well this summer. I went to the water park with my two daughters and their kids. Taylor 15 months and Ryan 5 years old. Well we all went to go down this Hugh winding slide. the girls talked me into it and stayed at the bottom watching the kids. Well I went up to the top and started to go down. well I got stuck. The young man at the top kept saying Lady lay down and let the water push you down. Well everytime i laid down I would get too much water.I was drowning. I wasn't stuck from being too big. I was just stuck I had no friction. I had to sit and use my arms to make me go down. My girls were at the bottom laughting and the guy at the top was telling me to lay down and there was a long line forming. was I embarrassed. Boy did my arms hurt when I got down. Never again will I go up a slide. I am pretty sure it was because I had a pair of jean shorts on over my suit cuz my suit was too big. now how is that for funny. My Mother was walking back down the aisle after Communion at church with my dad years ago. and she fell flat on her face. all my dad could do was shout so loud " Jesus Christ Rita" The whole church looked at him like he was crazy. Boy was Mom embarrassed.
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: susanep on January 23, 2010, 01:12:19 AM
I can't seem to sleep right now so I might as well tell my story, but it's one  you might have had to been there to appreciate.  :D

Several years ago when my son was about 20 and my nephew 18, and my baby sister about 25 we all had been at the hospital waiting to see how  my mom was. She was having some electrical problem with her heart, but she was ok.

Well, we all had been so serious through this so then my son says let's all go somewhere and do something to lighten up. My sister says that there is suppose to be this big weight loss convention free going on this night , and why didn't we all go to it. (that is suppose to be fun?)

My son says well we can go, and he started kidding around (he's a big  cut up and we are close)
but it better not be any of this 12 step stuff where we all have to admit that we are overweight.

My sister says oh it's not like that, we all can just sit in the back of the auditorium and listen in, and if we don't like it we can all just get up and leave and no one will even know we were there.

UH HUH......We like sheep follow her to this building. We all go inside, and my sister ask a lady where the weight loss group is meeting . The woman says it's inside that door right there on the left.

She opened the door and went in and we sheep followed her, and my nephew closed the door. It was NOT an auditorium, but a room, and one long table with chairs on each side, and out comes a lady,to greet us, and by the way, we are the only ones there.

I was the one sitting right next to her. (it was winter out side), I looked down at my son and he made  rabbit ears at me. I looked away, because I easily get tickled, and once I start I can't stop, I don't care if the president himself is there.

The first thing the lady says to me is we are going to go over the 12 steps, so will you be the first  to repeat after me. ;D I heard my son make a squeeking noise because he was already losing it. My sister mind you can hold anything in under pressure. I tried my best with my voice crackling to say the first couple of steps, and couldn't go on.

The woman  looked at me  so seriously and said mam is there a problem.  Laughing I said well yes you see my mom has been in the hospital and we all needed to relax well, I am sorry but I got to get out of here. I grabbed my coat, and as I flew out, I  heard my son who was fast losing it say, oh mommmmm pleaseeeee don'ttttttt goooooooooooo. Then he scrammed also.

Well I was bent over laughing outside so hard that a cop come over to see if I was alright. My son came out to get me to walk to the other side with him to keep me out of trouble with the cop. :D

Me and my son later learned what happened with my nephew and sister still in there. Well the nephew kept reading the steps and other stuff. :D but he said the only way he was able to remain longer was each paragraph he read, he scooted out a bit more from the table. When he read enough that he was finally clear he jumped up and told my sister. Sorry Tammy, but your on  your own.  ;D At that time all of us smoked accept for my sister (go figure), and we were all going through one cig after another outside in the midst of our laughing.

She finally came out and told us she finished reading, and the lady ask what was wrong with all of us, and my sister told her I don't know, I don't know any of them. ;D She wouldn't speak to any of us, but we told her it was her fault telling us we would be in a  big auditorium.

All of us still laugh a bout it to this day, accept  my sister. My mom  got the whole story from my sister, and scolded all of us.

susanep :)
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Katybarstool on January 23, 2010, 05:42:07 AM
Susan

That's so funny! It cracked me up rading it. I kept imagining that poor woman's face ;D

By the way, did anyone lose weight ?

Kathyx
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Patze on January 23, 2010, 05:52:07 AM
Oh my Susan, that had me howling!  Thanks for the smile I'll be wearing today thinking about the weight loss convention!


Patze
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: susanep on January 23, 2010, 10:56:34 AM
No one lost any weight, but we lost a lot of fluids from all the hysterical laughing.

susanep :)
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Chickpea on January 23, 2010, 01:03:49 PM
What a brilliant story!  Thanks for sharing.

Chickpea
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on January 23, 2010, 01:24:38 PM
You guys are so funny!!  Thanks for the smiles and laughs.   ;D

How are we going to explain ourselves now when we are at the grocery store, watching someone come down the slide at the waterpark, or in a room where we're not suppose to be and we recall these stories and are laughing to ourselves??   ::)   LOL

The stories I could tell . . . . the one company I worked at in Ohio there were several people (myself included) who liked to pull practical jokes on people.  We've had some really good laughs.  I don't know how we ever got our work done!!  It's easier to "tell" the story than it is to write it down - I'll share some later. 

It does your body good to laugh . . . laugh often.   ;D

Bucky

Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: SassieCat on January 23, 2010, 03:32:40 PM
Susan  :D, that was very funny.  Would have loved to hear what that woman thought!!! 
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: peachpop on January 24, 2010, 11:43:44 AM
There recently was an article in the  St. Petersburg Fl. Times. The Business Section asked readers for ideas on:  "How Would You Fix the Economy?"
 I think this guy nailed it!
   _____
 
 Dear Mr. President,
 
 Please find below my suggestion for fixing America 's economy.  Instead of giving billions of dollars to companies that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan. You can call it the "Patriotic Retirement Plan":
 
 There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force.  Pay them $1 million apiece severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:
 
 1) They MUST retire.  Forty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.
 
 2) They MUST buy a new American CAR..  Forty million cars ordered ? Auto Industry fixed.
 
 3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage ? Housing Crisis fixed.
 
 It can't get any easier than that!!
 
 P.S. If more money is needed, have all members in Congress pay their taxes...
 
 Mr.. President, while you're at it, make Congress retire on Social Security and Medicare. I'll bet both programs would be fixed pronto!
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on January 26, 2010, 11:50:22 AM
Normally, when I am home, I don't wear my wedding ring (don't want to get soap, etc. in it).  So, this morning as I'm getting ready to head out the door I go to the jewelry box to get my ring.  It's not there!   :o  I have been known to put it in my jean pocket - look there.  Nothing.  Hmmm, maybe I stuck it in the other pocket.  Nope, nothing there except a tube of chapstick.  Where's my ring??   ???  I look on the bedroom floor thinking maybe it fell out of my pocket and is laying on the carpet.  Nope, can't find it. 

I've got to get going, so I'll just put my anniversary band on and call it good for now and look for my wedding ring later.   I always put hand lotion on before I head out the door.  I go to put hand lotion on before putting on the anniversary band and looky, looky . . . there, on my hand, is my wedding ring!!   :o  DUH!!!!!    ::)  I certainly don't remember putting it there!!!  I amaze myself some times!!   ;D

Bucky   ;D
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Katybarstool on January 26, 2010, 12:48:59 PM
Bucky

What are you like ;D Glad you found it!

Kathyx
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Bernice on January 26, 2010, 09:08:25 PM
Bucky,
You reminded me of a time when I used to have a home daycare. I had about 6 to 8 little ones. One day I went with the kids to my directors, we were independent, but were supervised by the govt. there was an office on the military installation, this is where we were this day. After collecting my supplies I gathered up all the kids to leave, but it was one that I just could not find, I was in a panic looking all around for this child, had my supervisors helping, they were just as scared as I was. They did not know one child from the other, but trusted that one was missing because I said so. Well after much to do I discovered the missing child on my hip!

This was about 20 some years ago! At the start of my brain fog!
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: SassieCat on January 27, 2010, 01:38:19 AM
Don't feel bad Bucky,
One night I was getting ready to cozy down to a good book, just needed to grab a glass of ice water from the fridge and off to bed I go.  Where's my book?  Not in the bathroom, not fallen behind the bed, under the bed under the covers, not in the bathroom.  Where is the darn book.  Not in the kitchen, not in the living room, not on any counters in the kitchen or the dining room.  So I search all these places again, look even in the trash cans.  NO BOOK!

The next day I got out of bed and went to get a glass of water, there IS MY BOOK!!!! I left it in the refrigerator!!!!  Was that 'cool' of me  :-\ :-\ :-\
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: jordozmom on January 28, 2010, 02:30:23 PM
OMG - I am crying these stories are so funny!!  HAHAHAHA!!

Not too long ago my family was sitting down at the kitchen table for dinner when my husband (who had had a bad day at work) went to toss something into the garbage next to me and missed letting out a HUGE sigh, as if nothing could go right for him that day, so out of pity for his lousy day and in an effort to save him from coming all the way around the table to get it I quick reached down to grab it off of the floor and pitch it for him, only the momentum of my movement flipped me over and right out of the chair, taking both me and the chair down to the floor.  It all happened so fast that I was just shocked!! But the really funny part was that the way I landed the chair had me pinned against the kitchen wall and I had nothing to grab onto and as I put my feet on the floor on either side of the chair to give myself a boost up my socks slid on the tile and slid right out from under me.  I looked like a crab on roller skates!!  My son - who is 11 - thinks this is the funniest thing he's ever seen so he starts laughing, which gets me to start laughing, and soon we are both laughing so hysterically that I couldn't get up at ALL.  I just sat there pinned against the wall with my arms and legs flailing.  So then I look up at my hubby and he just looks at me, dead serious, shakes his head and walks out of the room like we are the nuttiest people he has ever seen - LEAVING ME STUCK ON THE FLOOR!!!  OMG - My son STILL talks about that!
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: SassieCat on January 29, 2010, 02:20:37 PM
Jordozmom,

That really is funny.  Chairs are a dangerous item.  Once our office was borrowing chairs from other offices to see which ones we liked so we could order new chairs.  Of course it was traffic court day and the office was loaded with police officers ready to go to traffic court.

I was sitting on a highbacked chair with wheels and bent down to pick up something I dropped.  The chair flipped over and I was trapped in a peculiar position underneath my desk.  I could not move, just laugh.

I had the help of about 6 kind police officers to see what happened to me.  One minute I was sitting there smiling and the next I was no where to be seen, only thing they could still hear me laughing uncontrollably.  When they finally got the chair untangled from my legs and feet, my boss was trying to ask me what the heck happened.  All I could say was, "I don't want that kind of chair for a new chair, it's too dangerous."  Ever since I earned the nickname as 'crash' and they were going to give me a ticket for reckless operation of an office chair.  Even the judges teased me about.
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: jaygee on January 29, 2010, 02:35:25 PM
I hope I am not the only person who couldn't find her glasses anywhere?  Specs case is empty, specs are not in any usual place.

Then discovered I was already wearing them!   ;D    xx
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Joy Cox on January 29, 2010, 02:39:30 PM


Hey Jaygee, Always be sure and pat yourself on the head; YOU MIGHT EVEN FIND A SECOND PAIR THERE!!!!!  ;D
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Bernice on January 29, 2010, 02:44:20 PM
OMG! Sassie

Oh I bet that was too FUNNY!

Jaycee, that used to happen to me alot, it was one of the ways I knew it was time for new glasses. :)

My cousin and I are on the phone talking right? She kkeps saying she can't find something, well I finally ask WHAT on earth is she looking for? Turns out she was looking for her phone!

This same cousin who is one of the scarest people you would ever meet rushed in her house in a panic thinking someone in the outside darkness is following her, turns out to be the plastic bag she was carrying making noises!
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: SassieCat on January 29, 2010, 08:58:45 PM
You know yesterday I was hurting so bad and after I logged on to see what was new I was laughing too much to notice the pain.  This really has been fun and I wanted to say thank you to Bucky for the post. 

I too have looked for my glasses, nowhere to be found.  Looked in the rearview mirror of the car and there they are, on my head.  That's either an awful place to hide them or the last place we think to look.  Yes, this made me laugh too.  It is funny (after) when we  think of all the silly things that we have done or happened to us.

Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on January 31, 2010, 02:51:38 PM
Sassie . . . . between your cold book and wheelie chair . . how funny!!   ;D  I'm sure everything happened so quickly with the chair - I can just picture the look on those men's faces.  I don't think you'll live that down anytime soon!!  LOL

Bucky
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on January 31, 2010, 03:01:24 PM
A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.

"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years.  There's nothing you can't tell me."

"This one's kind of strange," the woman said.

"Let me be the judge of that," the doctore replied.

"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet.  When I looked down, the bowl was full of pennies."

"I see," commented the doctor calmly.

"That afternoon, I went to the bathroom again, and plink-plink-plink, there were nickels in the bowl," the woman continued.

"That night", she went on, "I went again, and plink-plink-plink, there were dimes.  This morning, there were quarters!"

"You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!"  she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!"

The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder, "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about," he said.

"You're simply going through the change!"


 
;D   ::)   ;D   ::)   ;D   ::)   ;D   ::)   ;D   ::)   ;D   ::)   ;D   ::)   ;D
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Katybarstool on February 01, 2010, 01:25:46 PM
Bucky

Loved that one - going to send it tomy menopausal buddies at work. ;D

Kathyx
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: jordozmom on February 01, 2010, 02:36:16 PM
Oh Sassie....I am sitting here crying imagining you and the chair.  At least I was in the privacy of my own home - I bet you wanted to die when the officers had to come help you.  BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  Telling them you didn't want that chair was CLASSIC!  Could you imagine if we worked somewhere TOGETHER?  We'd be like Lucy and Ethel in the candy factory!!!!!
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: SassieCat on February 02, 2010, 09:59:02 PM
Jordozmom - Which one am I, Lucy or Ethlel?  lol

 :D :D :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on February 03, 2010, 08:08:47 AM
Going thru my files and found this gem that my Uncle sent me several years ago.


"You are driving in a car at a constant speed.  On your left side is a "drop off'
(the ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on),
and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car
and you cannot overtake it.  Behind you is another galloping horse.
Both horses are also traveling at the same speed as you. 
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?"

                * Get your drunk a** off the merry-go-round! *


                              ;D   ;D   ;D   ;D   ;D   ;D   ;D 
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Bernice on February 03, 2010, 08:58:08 AM
This is one that a man was circulating! ::) ::) ::) Got admit it is funny, though!


PROOF THAT MEN DO REMEMBER
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room,
'Why are you down here at this time of night?
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.
'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said,'Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?'
?I remember that too, she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said 'I would have gotten out today
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Katybarstool on February 03, 2010, 12:45:47 PM
 ;D ;D ;D

I laughed so much at these, my son thinks I have finally cracked up!

Kathyx
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Katybarstool on February 04, 2010, 01:21:25 PM
This is a little black humour, from someone with a bladder problem:


...in a high church Belfry there lived a colony of bats.

One night two elderly bats were hanging up there discussing World Markets & the value of the Euro,
when the oldest bat turned to the other one,

"D'you know just what I fear most about old age?"

"Whats that then?" said the other.

"Incontinence!"

That was posted on our forum at work and really made me laugh.

Kathyx

Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: SassieCat on February 07, 2010, 11:42:43 PM
Going thru my files and found this gem that my Uncle sent me several years ago.


"You are driving in a car at a constant speed.  On your left side is a "drop off'
(the ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on),
and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car
and you cannot overtake it.  Behind you is another galloping horse.
Both horses are also traveling at the same speed as you. 
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?"

                * Get your drunk a** off the merry-go-round! *


                              ;D   ;D   ;D   ;D   ;D   ;D   ;D 
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: SassieCat on February 07, 2010, 11:44:29 PM
Bucky
Don't know what I was doing wrong but that sure was funny ;D
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: SassieCat on February 07, 2010, 11:46:47 PM
Bernice

After I had to get up and leave the room so I wouldn't wake the hubby up, I came back to tell you I almost choked on the water I was drinking at the time of reading your joke.  Too funny that he would be free...........  :) :D ;D :o
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: itssue on February 08, 2010, 10:42:42 AM
I just want to thank you all for the laughs ;D.

Sue
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on February 13, 2010, 02:11:19 PM
Found in my files . . . .  ;D


"Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can't look that old?

Well . . . you'll love this one.

My name is Alice, and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his DDS diploma on the wall, which bore his full name.  Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30 odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.

This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.

Yes, Yes, I did.  I'm a Mustang, he gleamed with pride.

When did you graduate? I asked.

He answered, in 1975, why do you ask?

You were in my class!  I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then, that ugly,

old,

bald,

wrinkled faced,

gray-haired,

decrepit

son-of-a-gun

asked,

What did you teach??"



LOL

Bucky


Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Bernice on February 13, 2010, 03:45:17 PM
Bucky,
So am I to gather that all those people I have looked at thinking "My they sure have aged since we were young and in school together" is looking at me and thinking the same or worst of me???
 Oh, my! Cus some of them be looking like Moses after his meeting with God on the mountain!
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Cheryl on February 13, 2010, 04:00:47 PM
Bucky,
  That one is so true to life!!!!  We all still see ourselves as younger than we really are.  LOL!
Cheryl
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: eyeamdry on February 13, 2010, 04:49:26 PM
We used to have a Queen size waterbed.  One day we were having overnight guests and would sleep in another bedroom which had twin beds.  Well, of all times to have something happen, the heater on the waterbed went dead.  Oh great, it's winter in Michigan and our waterbed will be turning to ice.

Well, for some reason, my brother and I drove to KMart about 5 miles away to see if we could buy another heater.  My husband's sister stayed behnd so she could visit with her brother (my husband.)  Well, my BIL is a really nice guy, nerdy, but nice.  Out of the blue he says to me "you know I've never cheated on my wife?"  I'm thinking...what the heck is going on?  Well, I was driving and I couldn't think of anything to say back to him, "well, you're not about to start now."
We laughed and I said "I'd never cheated on my husband,lbut if I was going to, it wouldn't be with him, so he didn't have to wory."

I am going to make a second post because the funniest part of the night hadn't happened yet and I will run out of room. Lucy
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: eyeamdry on February 13, 2010, 04:58:02 PM


Well, we get home with the waterbed heater and have to figure out what we need to do.  First, we had to get the old heater out from beneath the waterbed mattress.  IF ANY OF YOU HAVE EVER HAD A WATERBED, YOU KNOW HOW TOUGJ IT IS TO PULL THE CORNER OF THE WATERBED UP.  The guys took care of getting the old heater out.

We decided that the two men would pull up and back on the mattress and I would put my hand in and pull the heater  out.  Well, I put my little hand and arm in between the waterbed mattress and the bed and those two fools let go of their hold on the mattress.  My arm was under there up to the shoulder.  It felt like an elephant on my arm and I knew I couldn't take that much pressure for long.  Those fools were laughing because I was cussing them out.  The more I hollered, the more they laughed.  The longer my poor arm was being squeezed by a million lbs of water.  I don't think they realized how serious it was and just were hysterical.

I said the worst words you can think of and when I was finally loose, I went after my hubby and probably did a little pinching or something.  That was over 20 years ago!  I'm sure my brother in law hasn't had an affair yet, and I know I haven't either.  Lucy
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on February 23, 2010, 09:38:36 AM
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.  I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I

can't figure out how to get started."  Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.  She lets him in and shows him where

she has the puzzle spread all over the table.  He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the

box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to

assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."  He takes her hand and says, "Second, I

want you to relax.  Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then,"  he said with a deep sigh . . . . . . . .

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."


Taken from my files . . author unknown . . . . . .  ;D

Bucky
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Bernice on February 24, 2010, 01:57:12 PM
This one is dedicated to Epson and the rest of the men! ;) ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

http://www.casttv.com/video/qmitcv1/the-husband-song-video[/b]]http://www.casttv.com/video/qmitcv1/the-husband-song-video (http://[b)
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Prairie Gal on February 24, 2010, 06:50:49 PM
This is not hilariously funny, but it's oh, so true...

Mum and Dad were watching TV when Mum said, "I'm tired, and it's getting late. I think I'll go to bed."

She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's lunches, rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for dinner the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container and put spoons and bowls on the table.

She then put some wet clothes in the dryer, put a load of clothes into the washer, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button.

She picked up the game pieces left on the table, put the phone back on the charger and put the telephone book into the drawer.

She watered the plants, emptied a rubbish bin and hung up a towel to dry.   She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom.

She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for an excursion, and pulled a text  book out from under a chair.

She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store.

She put both near her purse.Mum then washed her face with 3-in-1 cleanser, put on her night solution & age-fighting moisturiser, brushed and flossed her teeth and filed her nails.

Dad called out, "I thought you were going to bed."
"I'm on my way," she said.

She put some water into the dog's dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked.

She looked in on each of the kids and turned out their bedside lamps and TVs, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks into the basket, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework

In her own room, she set the alarm, laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack.

 She added three things to her 6 most important things to do list. She said her prayers, and visualised the accomplishment of her goals.

About that time, Dad turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular. "I'm going to bed."
And he did...without another thought.

Anything extraordinary here?

Wonder why women live longer...?

CAUSE WE ARE MADE FOR THE LONG HAUL..and we can't die sooner, we still have things to do!!

Prairie gal

Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Bernice on February 24, 2010, 06:55:14 PM

Sorry Epson, that was the wrong link, here goes! He! He! ;D ;D ;D ;D
I'm in my teasing mode!

http://www.casttv.com/video/qmitcv1/the-husband-song-video (http://www.casttv.com/video/qmitcv1/the-husband-song-video)
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Bernice on February 24, 2010, 07:00:57 PM
Prarie,
I know that's right, but shoot do you rent Mum out, I could sure use her at my house cause I don't have half her energy, these days I'm about like Dad around here! She made me tired!

No seriously I liked that one, think I will pass that one on!
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: SassieCat on February 28, 2010, 10:56:25 PM
HOLY  EMAIL

One  day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that  was going on.  So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth  for a time.

When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on  Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not. 

God  thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to  get another opinion.' 

So  God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.

When  the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true. The Earth is in  decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'

God was not  pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to  encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep  going.. 

Do  you know what the e-mail said?
                 
Okay, I was just  wondering, because I didn't get one either
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: SassieCat on February 28, 2010, 11:32:36 PM
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch!   What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Katybarstool on March 01, 2010, 01:52:20 PM
A colleague sent me this today. I just have to share it with you!

 
The Winter Boots

(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this)

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her reception class pupils put on his boots?
 
He asked for help and she could see why.
 
Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.
 
By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.
 
She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.'
 
She looked, and sure enough, they were.
 
It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.
 
She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.
 
He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'
 
She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so? ' like she wanted to.
 
Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

No sooner had they got the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. My Mum made me wear 'em.'
 
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.
 
But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
 
Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'
 
He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'
 
 
She will be eligible for parole in three years. 

Kathyx
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Bernice on March 02, 2010, 03:55:51 PM
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.

 He asked her about the contents '

When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'


The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?' 'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Katybarstool on March 03, 2010, 05:43:02 AM
Bernice - that made me laugh ;D
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on March 08, 2010, 08:45:53 AM
Kathyx - I've tried fitting too small boots/shoes on my son . . . I can relate!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ever Wonder?

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you become informed!

(A)  Almost Boobs
(B)  Barely there
(C)  Can't complain!
(D)  Dang!
(DD)  Double Dang!
(E)  Enormous!
(F)  Fake
(G)  Get a Reduction
(H)  Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!




Bucky   ;D


Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Katybarstool on March 09, 2010, 05:54:36 AM
Bucky

I remember when my boys were tiny. One took a size 6 and one a size 9 in shoes. Mum called to take the older one out, while the little one stayed at home with me. When she came back, she asked why he had limped all the way round. Yes, he had on one of his own, and one of his brother's shoes. That taught me not to buy them identical shoes in future.

On a dafter note. I was presenting a training session at work a couple of years ago, and realized part way through that I was wearing different coloured shoes -not only was the colour different, but the heel height too. Luckily I knew the people in the session, and we had a laugh. (God made me blonde to make other people look intelligent!)

Kathyx
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on March 30, 2010, 04:45:35 PM
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife,
'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'.  Maybe it would take a few inches off your butt!'
His wife was not amused and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.
'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
He hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'
She replied with a snicker,
'It's not talcum powder, it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!'


Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Bernice on April 01, 2010, 08:50:35 PM
Insane!! ;D ;D ;D
 But I bet he kept his mouth S H U T after that!!!!!!!! ;D ;D

My kind of gal!!
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on April 20, 2010, 03:57:32 PM
Melanie (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was.  Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more.  Melanie said, "If you don't remember, you must look in the back of your panties.  Mine say five to six."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The sermon I think this Mom will never forget . . . . This particular Sunday sermon . . . "Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face.  "Without you, we are but dust."  He would have continued, but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"


Bucky   ;D
(at least I found these when I was looking for my wayward artificial fruit!!   ;) . . . some of you will know what I mean.   :D)
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Carolina on April 20, 2010, 05:09:22 PM
Jimmy Buffett says it best:

It's those changes in latitudes, changes in attitudes
Nothing remains quite the same
With all of our running, and all of our cunning
If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane

Carolina
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Prairie Gal on April 20, 2010, 05:50:07 PM
Even if you've heard/seen this one before, I think you'll still laugh!

Prairie gal
-----------------------------------------------------

If you are a senior you will understand this one, if you deal with seniors this should help you understand them a little better, and if you are not a senior yet...God willing, someday you will be...

The $2.99 Special

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.

'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.'

'Then, I'll have to charge you three dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.

'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.

'YES!!' stated the waitress.

'I'll take the special then,' my wife said.

'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.

'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied. She took the two eggs home and baked a cake. 

DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!
We've been around the block more than once!

Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Joy Cox on April 21, 2010, 07:07:11 AM
Prairie Gal , You brought laughter to me this morning!!!! Good deed...I needed it! :-* Now if the 'fog' inside my head and the 'outside' fog will clear, I'm off to...OG, 1st was Respicare...what was 2nd? oh, get my hair cut.  

1. Respicare; 2. Haircut; got it...now repeat 10 times!!!! ::)

 MODIFIED: OOPS, WRONG DAY FOR HAIR CUT THE STYLIST SAID WHEN I GOT THERE!  Well at least did not miss appt, its Friday, not today.  Oh well, no harm done!!!!
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on April 26, 2010, 11:20:09 AM
"Where is my Sunday paper?" the irate customer calling the local newspaper's customer service center loudly demanded, wanting to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Ma'am," said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday, the Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on Sunday."

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone followed by a ray of recognition, as the caller was heard to mutter, "well, that explains why no one was at church today!"

 ;D
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Scottietottie on April 26, 2010, 06:12:20 PM
As you all know - air travel has been really disrupted recently due to the volcano in Iceland.

A passenger at London, Heathrow, was informed that all flights to the US were cancelled. No planes would be flying that day.

"Does that include business class?" the woman demanded.........

(Dunno if she was blond)
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on May 01, 2010, 11:07:36 AM
Ok - I'm just going to tell on myself . . . I'm such a dork!!   ::)

We have those type of cell phones where you add minutes versus being in a calling plan.  So, last night I'm adding 60 minutes to my husbands phone . . . enter the code off the store receipt, plus a bonus code we had for an additional 20 minutes.  The message on the phone says to leave your phone on to activate new minutes.  A little later, I check the phone and see there is a message to call them, as there is a problem with the transaction.   ???  I give the phone to hubby and tell HIM to call them, I hate talking to those people.  He calls, talks to them and the person on the other end says, allow 4 hrs. and try calling back again.   ::)

He waits 5 minutes, and tries again.  LOL  He gets a different person and explains the whole situation (AGAIN) . . . . the person on the other end says there appears to be a problem with the code entered.   ???  Hubby looks at the receipt and says "Babe, they must have not entered the code at the store because this receipt is only for 50 cents, and the card runs $19.99!" . . . . WHAT??  Upon further investigation, we find that I entered the code they have on the bottom of the receipt (from the store I bought the card from) in a box titled "We value your opinion!", (where if you call a number and enter this code number, and take a short survey about your shopping experience) you can win money.  :o

DUH . . . I entered the wrong code - I entered this number instead of the phone card number - in fact, I had the wrong receipt out all together!!    :o   OOPS!!    ::)

I then found the correct receipt, entered the CORRECT code number, plus bonus number and the minutes were added to the phone immediately. 

At least it had a happy ending and we had a good laugh!!   ;D  (I'm sure the person on the other end of the phone thought we were loony!!)

Bucky
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Katybarstool on May 01, 2010, 02:57:18 PM
Bucky

What are you like!!! It's wonderful to know someone as daft as me. I went to the grocery store this morning, and my credit card was failed, why? because I used my burglar alarm code, rather than my pin number ;D

Kathyx
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Prairie Gal on May 01, 2010, 03:18:28 PM
The Anniversary Fairy

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered,  'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.?

The fairy waved her magic wand and - POOF! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.?

The wife and the fairy were perplexed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and POOF! The husband became 92 years old.
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Joy Cox on May 01, 2010, 07:00:06 PM
Just what I needed, Prairie Gal... Believe I'll head off to bed. Wonder what hubby will think of being 92????? ;D   Granny Joy
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: ros on May 02, 2010, 03:36:29 AM
I hope you don't mind me adding to this great thread.
Last night my daughters and I were showing our grandchildren some old photos.
They were having a great laugh at seeing photos of their parents when they were young.
My daughter showed them a photo of me when I was sixteen and my sister's bridesmaid.
Here I am, approximately 40 kilos lighter, impeccably clear skin and beautiful thick long hair'
It took them a while to guess it was me
My four year old grandson took the photo, looked at me and looked back at the photo and with his beautiful innocent face, said "Grandma, but where are your glasses?"
What are darling, the only thing he could see that was diiferent.
We all just roared with laughter!! (Do you know I had to pause and think how to spell roar. It is strange isn't it?)
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Katybarstool on May 02, 2010, 01:45:54 PM
Ros

That's wonderful! I just love the innocence of such young children. If only they could stay that way.

Kathyx
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: irish on May 02, 2010, 10:28:56 PM
I have enjoyed reading all these posts and really laughed at times. Felt good!!!

I thought I would tellyou about my experience with my youngest son who was 4 years at the time. He is now 37. He is the kind of kid who was mature for his age and always concerned with things being appropriate.

One day he and I went shopping and for lunch I took him to the Woolworth llunch counter. Remember those??? We ordered our sandwich and fries and sat there with several other people.

when I got my plate I wanted catsup and took the bottle and shook it---nothing came out. I shook the bottle with the cap on and then tried again. NOthing. This went on for a longer time then I felt was necessary. I then held the bottle in my hand and gave it a good crack on the bottom.  The bottle hit the plate and broke it and the ketchup  went everywhere. The waitress and I were wiping ketchup off of the counter, the walls, under the counter plus both my coat and my sons.

During this whole ordeal my son had turned away from me on the stool and would not look at me at all--ever!!! The people sitting at the counter were talking with me and my son continued to look away. The people started to just belly laugh at me son as his distain for his mother was indescribable. To this day my son remembers that episode. I laughed so hard that day that I think my endorphins were high for a week. Irish ;D
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: ros on May 02, 2010, 11:03:22 PM
Irish, I can picture that situation so clearly and isn't it great to remember these times in your life.  My husband says we should carry a little notebook with us and write down the funny things kids say, because as we get older you forget them very quickly.
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Bernice on May 03, 2010, 08:16:11 AM
Y'all I'm going to admit to something I am very shamed of, I have at times (too often) this uncontrolable laughter when something is funny. I'm not loud, but I will laugh til tears come, I lose my breath, well you get the picture. I hate when this happens, especially if it's at the expense of others, but the thing is I will laugh at myself and don't mind others laugh either.

Example: My church was invited to another, we went, our choir was singing, well we had this woman that was KNOWN to be one of the worst singers possible. Well this woman for some reason decided that she was going to lead a song, a song that was not even meant for her, my husband was to be the lead singer. She was standing in front of him and the first to reach for the mic. and would not give it up!

Those of us in the pews could see the rest of the chor members demanding that she give up the mic., it was as if they were so desperate and fearful of her singing that they comepletely forgot we were there watching! She would not release the mic.

Well we sat through what was the most God awful sounds coming from a human, only I could not just sit there like most everybody else and pretend I was not hearing this, I lost it, I laughed til I cried and got weak! The more I watched the expressions of others the funnier it got for me and a few others to include the other church's pastor's wife.

It was so bad the choir director stopped the music in mid song and appolized and brought my husband up to sing like he was supposed to in the first place, she started the song over

She is a good friend of mine, my past pastor's wife. She told me it was the most embarrassing thing that day, but she was laughing too when we were talking about it.

I have alot of moments like this, I'm KNOWN to be the laugher. I just can't seem to help it, the more I try to stop laughing  the worst it gets!
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: beautifulkrissy026 on May 03, 2010, 09:26:12 AM
So I guess I better check the message boards more often. I'm trying to catch up, I'm only on page 3 but wow I thought it was bad trying to pee in one of those cups and instead peeing all over my hands and the outside of the cup; Jordozmom, That tops it all. When I took my daughter for her three year check up she did not want to cooperate at all, no height, weight, blood pressure, nothing she was not having it. Then she had to go to the bathroom and they had the nerve to ask me to collect a urine sample from her. It was a small cup to, we'll just say mommy's hands got peed on. I told the nurse I hope thats all she needed because not much mad it in the cup. I'm a little slow you'll all have to bare with me 8 pages is alot to catch up on.
Kristine ;)
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: jpd54 on May 05, 2010, 11:21:25 AM
For all you Southerners -

  How are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same???

  Somebody's gonna lose a trailer!!!

Those of us that live in Arkansas love that one.

    jpd
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Bernice on May 07, 2010, 11:45:15 PM
jpd54,

Where I'm from trailers are few and far between, the only ones living in them mostly are military looking for cheaper rentals UNTIL they learn of our weather, TORNADOS!!

The cost of living is getting to be quite high everywhere, but you still can live quite well in both Texas and Tennessee, very few of us live in trailers contrary to what one might see on Jerry Springer Show. They do seem to pull these people from the farest parts of the south.
Shoot I will say I've only met maybe one family like what I've seen on that in my life and they left an impression on me I will never forget
!
My sister in law for example had the same mind set as this about Tenn. UNTIL she came for a visit for a week and did not want to leave and go back to PA. She saw that it was not the hick backwooded place she had always been lead to believe. She actually wanted to buy a home here, even NEXT DOOR!!!! She saw people living very good for a lot less compared to Philly as does a great many that come here, they end up staying.

Don't waste your money coming to Nashville if you truly believe the hype you see on tv! We always know tourist, they are the ones wearing the cowboy hats and boots downtown. Don't get the Grand Ole Opry and other tourist attractions confused with the city or the rest of the state.

The truth is what most  of Texas and most of Tenn. have in common is that you can live better for less and we both have hella lot of tornados.
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: jpd54 on May 10, 2010, 09:04:57 AM
Bernice,

I did not intend to reflect badly on Tennessee.  My apologies to you and all who read it.  Usually all the jokes are about Arkansas where I live.  I have a niece going to school at UT and we go to Memphis 3-4 times a month to shop and eat out.    I know what Tennessee is really like.  This site was intended only for humor, not insulting anyone.  I've lived part of my life in a trailer.  I won't be posting any more "humor" if it can't be taken that way.

   Sorry again!!!
   
     jpd
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Bernice on May 14, 2010, 07:12:37 PM
Look, Tennessee got enough issues without adding to it! It's kind of like a bad child, you KNOW that child ain't what you want it to be, BUT you don't want nobody else calling it bad!

Read past responses you will find me saying similar things, BUT I will defend it! We are PROUD TENNESSEANS ROUND THESE PARTS is all, no big deal! I had to reread what was written cause I had completely forgot already!

I have to fight with my husband ALL the time, he always got "jokes". His sister and brother were surprised we had streets, they thouht we only had dirt roads like the ones they had when they went to SC YEARS ago as children. Well the sister came for a week and really didn't want to leave.

Those commericals don't help any!

Anyway I need some more funny! Bucky where ya at, I know you ain't went dry!
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on May 14, 2010, 09:03:21 PM
Long ago there lived a brave seafarer named Captain Bravo.  He was a courageous man who showed no fear in facing his enemies.

One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic.  Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt."  The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and after donning the shirt, the captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.

Later on, the look-out spotted not one, but two pirate ships.  The captain again howled for his red shirt and once again vanquished the pirates.

That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the days triumps, and one of them asked the captain:  "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before each battle?"  The captain replied:  "If I am wounded in the attack, my crew won't notice my bleeding and will continue to fight, unafraid."  All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of their captain.

As dawn came the next morning, the look-out spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching.  The rank and file all stared at the captain and waited for his usual request.  Captain Bravo calmly shouted:  "Bring me my brown pants!"

Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Prairie Gal on May 15, 2010, 04:20:51 PM
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.   
 
This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As any man would.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do for $20.00...  on one condition..."   
 
Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."   
 
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and meaningfully said....
 
"Clean my house."
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: SassieCat on May 20, 2010, 10:22:34 PM
I know you all love my stories about my ex.... here's another true but good one.

My children had cradle cap on their heads so I had to get a special shampoo to use on them.  My ex decided to try the new shampoo and started yelling to me what kind of darn shampoo I bought that had to be shaken for 5 minutes before using.  His hand was tired by the time he got to wash his head.

I looked at the directions:

Shake

Shampoo 5 minutes

Rinse

Dummy couldn't read directions well......
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on May 21, 2010, 07:35:02 AM
NO ONE BELIEVES SENIORS . . . .

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.  The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.  Holding hands, they walked back to their old school.  It was not locked, so they entered and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet.  Sally quickly picked it up and not sure what to do with it, they took it home.  There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!  Andy said, "We've got to give it back."

Sally said, "Finders keepers".  She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two RCMP officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door.  "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No".

Andy said, "She's lying.  She hit it up in the attic."

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile".

The agents turned to Andy and began to question him.  One said, "Tell us the story from the beginning".

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . . . "

The first RCMP officer turned to his partner and said, "We're outta here!"


 ;D   ;D   ;D
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Prairie Gal on June 12, 2010, 06:25:24 PM
Funny!   I've gotten this e-mailed to me before but I still laughed again..

Prairie gal

A TRIP TO COSTCO

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of  Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, and was in the  checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had  a dog.

What did she think I had, an  elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to  do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I  was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I  probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the  hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds  before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming  out of most of my orifices and IVs in both  arms.

I told her that it was  essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and  simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.  The food is nutritionally complete so it works  well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now  enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive  care because the dog food poisoned me.  I told her  no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's rear and a car hit us both.

I  thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Costco won't let me shop  there anymore...

 Better watch what you ask retired  people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on June 15, 2010, 05:56:29 PM
You guys crack me up . . . . funny!!

Ok, I'm younger than 60, but thought this was cute.


Perks of reaching 60 and heading towards 70!

1.  Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2.  In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3.  No one expects you to run - - any where.

4.  People call at 9 P.M. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

5.  There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

6.  Things you buy now won't wear out.

7.  You can eat supper at 4 P.M.

8.  You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

9.  You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

10.  You sing along with elevator music.

11.  Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.  (well, this applies to all us Sjoggies!)

12.  Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

13.  Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

14.  You can't remember who posted this list.    ;D
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Cricket on June 16, 2010, 12:49:52 PM
When my youngest daughter was in third grade she had the meanest teacher in the school (even parents did not want to mess with her).  One day the teacher caught me after school and said that my daughter has not been doing any of her work, even when the teacher tells her she has to.  She would not take a test or anything.  So when we got home I asked her about it, and she told me she was tired of school and decided to take a week of vacation!

Cricket

P.S. by the way this was a great idea for this thread.
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on June 25, 2010, 11:02:56 AM
Happy FRIDAY everyone!!    ;D

Taken from my files:

EVER WONDER . . . . .

*  Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

*  Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

*  Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

*  Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

*  Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

*  Why is a man who invests all your money called a broker?

*  Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?   (I've always wondered this myself!!  ::))

*  Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

*  Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

*  Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

*  If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: olmphoto2 on June 25, 2010, 11:09:34 AM
This is our story of DD Sarah and my FIL Don: My MIL, Fran overhead this. It was fall and time to clean out some eve troughs. Don decided to try to blast some matted leaves out with the hose. Didn't work. Cold spray shot over Sarah and her Grandpa and didn't even dislodge the offending clump. Sarah was 3 or 4 at the time. She said, "shoot, Grandpa, that didn't work worth a darn!" Fran could hardly contain herself with shock and laughter! To me, the funniest thing was later. Don said he had to have a talk with his son, my DH Mike. As he walked DH down the sidewalk, Don said to Mike that Mike needed to stop using that kind of language in front of Sarah. BUT, what Don (bless his heart!) didn't know was that Mike stopped swearing immediately after Sarah was born and the only place she could have heard the language was from Don himself!!

And now DH and I get a lot of use out of that little phrase of Sarah's, especially when a remedy we are attempting makes things worse. We look up at each other, laugh, and say "shoot, Grandpa, that didn't work worth a darn!" Ha-ha, good way to laugh a ourselves!
:-)
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: olmphoto2 on June 25, 2010, 11:12:55 AM
This is funny too!  When I just posted this, the site automatically changed a certain s blank blank h word to shoot!
This is our story of DD Sarah and my FIL Don: My MIL, Fran overhead this. It was fall and time to clean out some eve troughs. Don decided to try to blast some matted leaves out with the hose. Didn't work. Cold spray shot over Sarah and her Grandpa and didn't even dislodge the offending clump. Sarah was 3 or 4 at the time. She said, "shoot, Grandpa, that didn't work worth a darn!" Fran could hardly contain herself with shock and laughter! To me, the funniest thing was later. Don said he had to have a talk with his son, my DH Mike. As he walked DH down the sidewalk, Don said to Mike that Mike needed to stop using that kind of language in front of Sarah. BUT, what Don (bless his heart!) didn't know was that Mike stopped swearing immediately after Sarah was born and the only place she could have heard the language was from Don himself!!

And now DH and I get a lot of use out of that little phrase of Sarah's, especially when a remedy we are attempting makes things worse. We look up at each other, laugh, and say "shoot, Grandpa, that didn't work worth a darn!" Ha-ha, good way to laugh a ourselves!
:-)
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: olmphoto2 on June 25, 2010, 11:14:36 AM
Brain Fog!  That's s h blank t!  ;D
This is funny too!  When I just posted this, the site automatically changed a certain s blank blank h word to shoot!
This is our story of DD Sarah and my FIL Don: My MIL, Fran overhead this. It was fall and time to clean out some eve troughs. Don decided to try to blast some matted leaves out with the hose. Didn't work. Cold spray shot over Sarah and her Grandpa and didn't even dislodge the offending clump. Sarah was 3 or 4 at the time. She said, "shoot, Grandpa, that didn't work worth a darn!" Fran could hardly contain herself with shock and laughter! To me, the funniest thing was later. Don said he had to have a talk with his son, my DH Mike. As he walked DH down the sidewalk, Don said to Mike that Mike needed to stop using that kind of language in front of Sarah. BUT, what Don (bless his heart!) didn't know was that Mike stopped swearing immediately after Sarah was born and the only place she could have heard the language was from Don himself!!

And now DH and I get a lot of use out of that little phrase of Sarah's, especially when a remedy we are attempting makes things worse. We look up at each other, laugh, and say "shoot, Grandpa, that didn't work worth a darn!" Ha-ha, good way to laugh a ourselves!
:-)
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: SassieCat on June 26, 2010, 09:40:37 PM
TOP CARE FOR THE ELDERLY.
 
 A man goes to visit his 85-year old grandpa in the hospital.
 "How are you grandpa?" He asks.
 "Feeling fine" says the old man.
  "What's the food like?"
 "Terrific, wonderful menus."
 "And the nursing?"
 "Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."
 "What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?"
 "No problem at all, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet and that's it. I go out like a light."
 The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the nurse in charge.
 "What are you people doing" he says. "I'm told you're giving an 85 year old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"
 "Oh, yes" replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well."

 "The hot chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: SassieCat on June 26, 2010, 09:43:26 PM
How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

JUST TOO CUTE.   

This is the cleanest E-mail joke I've come across in a long while!

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter
'What are you doing?' She asked.
'Hunting Flies' He responded...
'Oh. ! Killing any?' She asked.
'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.
'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded,
3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Bernice on June 28, 2010, 10:06:13 AM
I have been away for a while now, but thought I would visit with you guys for a short while. I love this thread, it helps me to relax what with all the funnies and all.

But I have to take the time here to tell of a most strange occurance that happened to me, some might think it funny some may be just as upset as I was when it happened.

I went to the store last week to buy some items for my grand daughter who's visiting and demanding all of my time.

Well while I was in the store a lady and a man appraoched me they were a very friendly pair, they spoke of their beloved grandchildren, then walkded away pushing two full carts of grogreies, they went to the check out counter, the woman working there rung up their items then  I noticed they turned and pointed at me while speaking to her.

I smiled and nodded thinking nothing of it, we had just had a brief, but very pleaseant conversation.

Now it's time for me to check out I go to the same register, she adds up my items which should be no more than $80 bucks, but gives me a total of $365.95! I am shocked and tell her she must have made a mistake!

She tells me No! There's no mistake, mine plus your parents come to this total. That nice couple told her they were my parents and that I would pay their total! I paid my total and ran out the store hoping to stop them, they were just getting in a van after loading all the stolen items.  Trying to stop them I grabbed the old woman's leg and was pulling and pulling  on it, JUST LIKE I'M PULLING YOURS!
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Katybarstool on June 28, 2010, 12:32:32 PM
Bernice

Love your sense of humour, and I'm very glad to see you back.

Kathyx
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on June 28, 2010, 03:37:32 PM
HA HA Bernice . . . you had me going there for a minute!!!  I HAVE heard of this really happening before.

Hope your granddaughter isn't tiring you out too much and you are both making happy memories together.   ;D

Bucky
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on July 09, 2010, 11:08:37 AM
Taken from my files . . . .


How old is Grandpa??

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events.  The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and things in general.  The Grandfather replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:

*  television     *  penicillin     *  the pill     *  Frisbees     *  polio shots     *  frozen foods     *  contact lenses     *  Xerox

There were no:

*  credit cards     *  laser beams     *ballpoint pens

Man had not invented:

*  pantyhose     *  air conditioners     *  dishwashers     *  clothes dryers

*  clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and

*  man hadn't yet walked on the moon

Your Grandmother and I got married first . . . then lived together.

Every family had a father and a mother.

Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, 'Sir', and after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, 'Sir'.

We were before computer-dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.

Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgement, and common sense.

We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.

Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.

We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.

Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.

Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started.

Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends - not purchasing condominiums.

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CD's, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.

We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios.

The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.

Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.

We had 5 & 10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.

Ice cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.

And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.

You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600.

But who could afford one?  Too bad, because gasoline was 11 cents a gallon.

In my day:

'grass' was mowed; 'coke' was a drink; 'pot' was something your mother cooked in; 'rock music' was your grandmother's lullaby; 'chip' meant a piece of wood; 'hardware' was found in a hardware store and 'software' wasn't even a word.

And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby.  No wonder people call us 'old and confused' and say there is a generation gap . . . .

And how old do you think I am?

I bet you have this old man in mind . . . you are in for a shock!

Read on to see - - pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time.

Are you ready?      This man would be only 64 years old!
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Katybarstool on July 09, 2010, 11:29:19 AM
Wow, Mrs Bucky, that's certainly thought provoking. My DH is 60, I'm going to ask him for his version of events :)

Kathyx
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: LeoLady on July 10, 2010, 03:23:46 AM
Hi Kathyx & All:

I just have to ask.  I've been seeing the initials DH throughout many threads and I've always wondered, being in the 60'ish crowd & not all that computer savvy, WHAT in the world does DH stand for?  Please advise which of the following is applicable..

1.  Don Ho                   5.  Dearest Hubby
2.  Darling Husband      6.  Decent Hu*p
3.  Delicious Hunk         7.  Daring Hero
4.  Dumb Hobo             8.  Dirty Harry

Whaaaat ??   ;D

LeoLady
 
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Katybarstool on July 10, 2010, 02:08:39 PM
LeoLady

When I'm in a good mood, it's number 2, when I'm not, it's number 4!!!

Kathyx
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on July 11, 2010, 03:16:21 PM
From my files . . . .


I'm retired . . . . . I was tired yesterday, and I'm tired again today.

 ;D

Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: SLEEPY101 on July 12, 2010, 12:02:14 AM
Have you watch the new comedy HOT IN CLEVLAND on TVLAND? It is crass but funny Betty White makes the show. I will quote a scene

Someone asked Betty whats up with old people and tracks suits

She said in the 20s you dress for Men
The 40s we dress for success
And in the 80s you dress for the bathroom!!!! lol

Check it out new shows are on Wed but repeats are on often
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Carolina on July 12, 2010, 01:26:51 PM
From my friend, on FB, about her 3 year old son:

When I sat down at the table to eat breakfast, the cat was in my chair.

I said, "Excuse me, Changa" and gently tilted the chair to encourage her departure.

I sat down and Andrew said, "Mom, was Changa in your chair?"

 I said, "Yes."

Apparently, not noticing that I had dumped the cat onto the floor, Andrew took a drink of milk and said,

"Is she [pause] in your butt?" . . .
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: SLEEPY101 on July 12, 2010, 08:49:26 PM
hehe Thx for sharing Carolina. I am a mother of 4 wih a well endowed backside so we thses situations often. lol

I was reading O THE PLACES WE GO by DR SUESS  to my four year old son.  The point go the story is that you can do anythingor go anywhere your heart desires.  I asked my son Damian where he would like to go. I told him he could to go to college, China,,Austatila wherever he wants.  I explained this him and then asked him where would you like to go? His answer McDonalds[the fast food resturant] lol from the mouth of babes!!
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: LeoLady on July 13, 2010, 02:16:13 AM
Cute kids comments - 

One evening I was driving with my 4 yr old grandson in the car and he noticed the full moon.  We had a short discussion about the moon and how God made the moon and all the stars, etc.  Later that month, we were driving somewhere again, and he said, "Look, Nana!  Some of the moon is missing!"  It was about a quarter moon that night.  I asked what he thought had happened to it.  He announced, with some certainty, " I think God took a bite out of it !".

He is truly my joy and comic relief.

LeoLady
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: SLEEPY101 on July 13, 2010, 03:31:22 AM
Thx for sharing Leolady, that was so cute
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on July 13, 2010, 12:32:19 PM
Your previous posts are cute ones ladies.   ;D


Since some of the SjS World members are having constipation issues, I came across this dandy and thought I would share:

When I was younger, all I wanted was a nice BMW.  Now, I don't care about the W.            ::)


Bucky    :D
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on July 14, 2010, 01:13:59 PM
From my files . . . . .

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
  The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A set of jumper cables walk into a bar.
   The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.


Bucky   ;D



Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on July 18, 2010, 02:12:12 PM
'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home,'

'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome,'

'Is it common?'

'Well, It's Not Unusual.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

                        A fish!           ::)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bucky   ;D

Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Joy Cox on July 18, 2010, 02:46:37 PM

The four grandkids kept asking me all this week why I was talking to myself and I answered, " I trying to think!'  :)

The house is sooooooo quiet now... They all left today after their annual week on the farm.   :( ;D 

Thanks for all the posts... brought much needed laughter to this tired soul!   :P
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: SLEEPY101 on July 19, 2010, 09:29:22 PM
Courtesy of my Husband. This really doesn't happen at our house, but I agree sometimes it should! ;D

My wife cooks so bad, we pray after we eat!! lol  :D
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on August 08, 2010, 02:57:08 PM
From my files . . . . .


The economy is so bad, if the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds", you call and ask if they meant YOU or THEM  . . . . .





Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on August 17, 2010, 02:56:08 PM
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in the craft.

It sank, proving once again that you cant have you kayak and heat it too!



 ;D   ;D   ;D   ;D   ;D   ;D
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: RichyRich on August 23, 2010, 10:47:18 AM
I remember when I was a kid and we were all out in the backyard when my dad tells me to go get the football I got for Christmas so we can throw it around.  I hurriedly open the sliding glass door and ran to my room and grabbed the football.  I was running back and was almost outside when WHAM!, I ran into the closed sliding glass door.  We all had a good laugh at that one.
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on August 29, 2010, 11:42:40 AM
Ouch RichyRich . . . bet you checked from then on to make sure the sliding door was open when you went running through the house!! 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here's one I found in a little insert that came to the house Ladies First . . . . .


I'll Trade You!

A family from the back hills of ________ (fill in the blank with a state of your choice) was visiting the big city for the very first time.

They were amazed at all the machines and fancy equipment that they saw.

They had never been to a mall, so they hit one of the biggest & busiest ones in Nashville.

There were in awe of all the people and all the shiny glass & metal.

One of the things that most intrigued them were these two metal doors that kept sliding together and apart.  People went in, but didn't come out.

The little boy asked his mother, "What is that thing?"  The mother (having never seen an elevator) responded, "For the life of me, I don't know, I've never seen such a thing!"

Just then an overweight, rather unattractive man walked past them & into the elevator.  They watched the area above the elevator as the little circle lit up from 2 - 10.  Moments later the numbers started coming down & soon the doors opened up again.

Off the elevator walked an absolutely handsome and extremely well-built man, who smiled at the woman.  You could see the woman thinking.  She turned to her son & said, "Quick, go get your dad!"

 ;D   ;D   ;D
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on September 08, 2010, 11:12:22 AM
Five Surgeons

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in:  "You know, I like construction workers . . those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed:  "You're all wrong.  Politicians are the easiest to operate on.  There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and the butt are interchangeable."

Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Seeker on September 08, 2010, 04:41:57 PM
When a knight in armour was killed in battle, what sign did they put on his grave?
Rust in peace!

Seeker:)
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on September 11, 2010, 11:16:59 AM
An elderly woman goes to the doctor.  She says, "Doc, it's terrible, I pass gas all the time.  Fortunately, it's odorless and silent, otherwise I'd be mortified. For example, I've passed gas ten times just since we've been talking, but it's odorless and silent so you can't tell."

The doctor gives her some green pills and tells her to take one a day and come back in a week.

The woman comes back after taking the pills for a week.  She says, "Doc, there's been a change but not for the better.  I still pass gas all the time, but while it's still silent, now it smells terrible!"

The doctor says, "Well, I'm glad we cleared up your sinus blockage, now we'll have to work on your hearing."

 :o   ::)   :o   ::)   :o   ::)

Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Prairie Gal on September 14, 2010, 06:20:06 PM
A man was telling a new acquaintance he and his wife had 6 children.  "That's quite a family," said the new acquaintance.

The man replied, "Yes, it is, and it happened because my wife's hard of hearing." 

"How did that affect the number of children you had?", asked the new acquaintance.

"Well," said the man, "when we went upstairs at night, I'd ask my wife if she wanted to go to sleep, or what."

She'd answer, "What?"
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Ohiocat on September 22, 2010, 05:52:28 PM
My boss recently told me this one...


There was a lady that had a pet duck.   And one day, she went to feed the duck and it was just laying there.

So she took the duck to the vet, and he looked at it, and said "I am really sorry to tell you but it looks like your duck is dead."  

"Are you sure it is dead?" she asked.  "Is there anything that you can do to make sure?"

So he takes a towel, sets it on the floor and then places the duck on the towel on the floor.  Then he opens up a door and a cat walks out.  The cat walks up to the duck, circles it a couple times,  sniffs at it, and then walks out.

Next a dog comes in.  The dog walks up, circles around the duck a few times,  sniffs at it, and then walks out.

"I am sorry but your duck is definitely dead" says the vet.

"Okay then, how much do I own you?" asks the lady.

"One thousand dollars" he replies.

"One Thousand dollars!!   Just to tell me that my duck is dead?  How come it is so much?!?!"

"Well, it was not originally that expensive, but then after the cat scan and lab test, it adds up."
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on October 06, 2010, 02:29:01 PM
A mom was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school.  He didn't want his mother to walk with him.  She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some dependence, but yet knew that he was safe.

So, she had an idea of how to handle it.  She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her.

Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for her to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.

The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he knew.

She did this for the whole week.

As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week.

Finally he said to Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week?"  Do you know her?"

Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yeah, I know who she is". 

The friend said, "Well, who is she?"

"That's just Shirley Goodnest", Timmy replied, "and her daughter, Marcy."

"Well", Timmy replied, "every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much.  And in the Psalm, it says, "Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life, so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!"

                                                        ;D
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Catilee2 on October 06, 2010, 02:45:26 PM
Thank you Bucky for reviving these chuckles!!!!
 
Catilee 2
   
           
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Jag on October 06, 2010, 05:44:48 PM
I have two German Shepherds. One is not very bright, but has learned to potty on command. This is good, because she will stand in the yard and bark into the dark (she's afraid of the dark, I think) until you yell out "Go potty!" This worked well for us until....

I rescued an African Grey from a bad situation. We'd had her for a few months, and her vocabulary was expanding. When she'd learn something new to say, she 'plays' with the words, saying them in a questioning voice, a soft voice, etc. Now for those that don't know, they don't talk like a 'typical' parrot. They speak like humans, even mimicking different voices in the house. She's many times made me think my wife was home and talking to me when she was not. Then came the day we dreaded, when she started playing with the words "Go potty". We talked about it, and thought that the dogs would be able to tell her voice from ours...with their good hearing. NOPE. One day, the Grey belted out (in my voice) "Go potty!" and my dingy shepherd dropped and went on the livingroom carpet.

Hard lessons learned-
Parrots are smarter than dogs... no matter what kind or how well they hear
Don't teach your dog to potty on command if you'll ever have a parrot


On the other hand, she has a good time calling the dogs to her to tell them to go lay down!
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on October 06, 2010, 07:10:17 PM
Jag - how funny!!   ;D  I'm sure you did NOT appreciate the grey learning "go potty"!!

Thanks for sharing . . . .

Bucky
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on October 08, 2010, 01:44:43 PM
                           Female Reindeer

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game,
while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year,
male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter,
usually late November to mid-December.

Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer,
every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen - had to be female.

We should've known.

Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all
around the world in one night and not get lost.


Taken off the internet.      ;D
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on November 08, 2010, 02:46:17 PM
From Andy Rooney:

As I grow in age, I value women over 50 most of all.  Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 50 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, "What are you thinking?"  She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 50 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it.  She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.

Women over 50 are dignified.  They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant.  Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved.  They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

Women get psychic as they age.  You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 50.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 50 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest.  They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one.  You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thank you Andy.  Here, Here . . . I raise my glass of water to you on behalf of the women in the Fifty and Above Club.   ;D  We ARE pretty awesome, if I say so myself!   ;D

Bucky

Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on November 12, 2010, 09:25:35 AM
Maxine and Fall . . . . .

I could go on a hayride, or I could shove sharp sticks down my pants.  Same difference.
                                     
I use a leaf blower on my lawn.  It's called "the wind".

I'm going south for the winter . . . actually . . . some parts of me are headed there already!

I love a brisk fall breeze, especially when the leaves blow into the neighbors yard.

I always start running in the fall - not all of me, just my nose.


                                             
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: Bucky on November 22, 2010, 10:59:55 AM
Twas the night of Thanksgiving,
But I just couldn't sleep.
I tried counting backwards,
I tried counting sheep.

The leftovers beckoned -
The dark meat and white,
But I fought the temptation
With all of my might.

Tossing and turning with anticipation,
The thought of a snack became infatuation.
So, I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door,
And gazed at the fridge, full of goodies galore.
Gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,
Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.

I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,
'Til all of a sudden, I rose off the ground.
I crashed through the ceiling, floating into the sky,
With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie.
But, I managed to yell as I soared past the trees . . .
Happy eating to all - pass the cranberries, please.
                                  ~ ~ ~

May your stuffing be tasty,
May your turkey be plump,
May your potatoes 'n gravy have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious,
May your pies take the prize,
May your Thanksgiving dinner stay off of your thighs!!
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: navydad on November 22, 2010, 11:05:03 AM
From Andy Rooney:

As I grow in age, I value women over 50 most of all.  Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 50 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, "What are you thinking?"  She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 50 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it.  She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.

Women over 50 are dignified.  They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant.  Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved.  They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

Women get psychic as they age.  You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 50.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 50 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest.  They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one.  You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thank you Andy.  Here, Here . . . I raise my glass of water to you on behalf of the women in the Fifty and Above Club.   ;D  We ARE pretty awesome, if I say so myself!   ;D

Bucky         Not many people know this but Andy was a war reporter during WW2,,, for stars and stripes


Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: navydad on November 22, 2010, 11:08:31 AM
Well one day at 1PM my wife and I sat down to watch the steelers play,, my wife said ,, I like 4 PM games better then 1PM starts,, I said that makes it easier for Mike,, Mike was stationed at Pearl Harbor at the time,, and I said,, just think how bad it has to b for him to watch a 1PM game there,, it may be 1PM here,, but its only 7AM there,, she said,, and I quote,, do you mean he knows the score of the game before we do,,, ahh ya hon,, thats why were millionaires from me placing bets on the point spread,,
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: jordozmom on December 21, 2010, 12:17:28 PM
This happened a few weeks ago and for some reason it still cracks me up.  You all know just how tired we can get and how brain fog can settle in.  Well it was about 9:30 p.m. and I had worked all day and had made dinner and cleaned up and was getting ready to crash in bed when my son declared he needed more lunch money in his account or he wouldn't be able to get lunch at school the next day (of course, he'd been watching TV all night and it didn't occur to him until I was going to bed to tell me - typical teenager).  So I begrudgingly threw myself into the stool at the island and opened my laptop and logged onto his school account where you can deposit lunch money (with a credit/debit card) electronically and decided while I was there that I'd check his grades.  There I found a B- on his last math test, which he had sworn up and down that he had studied hard for, though I didn't actually see him doing any studying.  Well, I was irritated anyway about the last minute lunch money thing so I decided to question it.  I said, "Could you please explain to me how you ended up with a B negative on that math test?"  My son and husband looked at each other and then gave me the strangest look.  So I repeated myself, "Hello?!  Can you tell me how you ended up with a B negative on that test?!"  Well that just got them rolling.  I looked at them like they had both just lost their minds.  What is wrong with these chuckleheads?!  Finally my son looked at me and said, "Don't you mean B minus, Mom?"  Thought I was going to die laughing.  I was so tired and fatigued that I said it was a B negative.
Title: Re: Laughter is the best medicine . . .
Post by: irish on December 21, 2010, 12:58:20 PM
I just caught up with my jokes and there are some good ones on here.

When I read the one about the football it reminded me of something I had heard on TV the other day. Seems like with the damaged roof on the stadium ( I assume the MN stadium that had snow damage) one of the teams that is from the south was wondering how they would ever be able to play a game in the cold.

Remember in the old days when all the games were played in the cold and snow?? Anyway, the coach came up with a novel idea. He brought the footballs to practice and dumped them out of the big sack onto the ground. The players tried to pick them up and they were hard.

They couldn't figure out what was going on until the coach told them he had put the footballs in the freezer overnight and for them to just "deal with it". In other words they bloody well better learn how to play with a cold hard football. I had never even thought about this before. Irish ;D